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“Ikuyo?”
Kita snapped into an upright sitting position, the bite of food she’d just taken slipping down the wrong pipe. The panic that had shot through her body at her mother’s voice vanished for a moment as she battled her coughing fit, but after chugging a glass of water and catching her breath, the dread snuck right back into her bones.
“Are you okay?” Kuruyo asked, concern evident in her expression. “You’ve had this brooding look on your face all evening.”
“Yeah – Yeah, I’m alright,” Kita said, clearing her throat. “Just swallowed wrong.”
“That much I could tell, but there’s something else on your mind, isn’t there?” Raising an eyebrow, Kuruyo glanced down at Kita’s plate. “You’re eating even less than usual, and I had to say your name thrice before you reacted. And when you finally did, you looked like I caught you in some sort of criminal act.”
“Ah.” Kita fidgeted with her hands. “That’s, um… it’s nothing, really.”
There was a pause, and her heart sank. That look – her mother was just barely stopping herself from rolling her eyes. She’d seen it often enough by now to tell.
Sighing, Kuruyo set down her fork and crossed her arms. “You’re not convincing either of us, and I know you know that. And with your father excusing himself from the table early, I assume there’s something you’re scared of telling me.”
Kita hoped so desperately that her mother wouldn’t notice the sweat running down her neck.
“I hope you’re aware that you don’t need to hide anything from me. I wasn’t upset about you being lesbian, right?” Kuruyo barked a laugh. Kita could find no humor in it. “Whatever it is, if you want to be a boy or anything else, I’m not going to get mad at you. I did plenty of experimenting in my youth, too, as much as that may surprise you.”
“It’s not that,” Kita said, and her voice came out raspy. The weight in her stomach only grew. “It’s… about my relationship.”
“I’m not sure I’m the right person for love advice, Ikuyo. I don’t really have an idea of what you kids are up to nowadays – oh, or are you talking about being broken up with?” Kuruyo’s expression turned from confusion to worry. “That Gotoh girl seemed like a good fit for you…”
“No! No, that’s not it either. Hitori’s… she’s as great as ever. I don’t think we’ll break up any time soon.”
Sighing, Kuruyo raised her arms in surrender. “Then I have no clue what’s wrong. Can you just tell me?”
Kita swallowed. Twice. She’d been preparing for this – Nijika, Ryo, and Hitori all had cheered her on, reassuring her over and over. Still, with every moment that passed, it felt twice as hard to find the words, and a heat rose within her that threatened to burn her alive.
“I’m, uh… I’m poly. Polyamorous.”
Kuruyo raised an eyebrow. “Meaning?”
“I’m… dating multiple people.”
In an instant, any hint of acceptance in Kuruyo’s eyes vanished. Her mouth’s corners dropped like rocks, and there was not a single word that could describe the look on her face better than pure, unfiltered disapproval.
Like a bucket of water. Suddenly, Kita was freezing.
“Ikuyo,” her mother said, voice as flat as Kita had ever heard it. “I don’t condone cheating.”
“I’m not cheating on anyone,” Kita pressed through between her teeth. “They all know – they’re all dating each other, too.”
A deep sigh. Kita wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
“Honey, I want you to be happy.” Leaning forward, Kuruyo tried to take Kita’s hands. She reflexively pulled away. “But that means committing to your partner. A sham relationship like this – “
“It’s not a sham.” Her breathing quickened, and thousands of needles sank into her skin, water burning in her eyes. Slowly, torturously, something wrapped itself tightly around her throat. “It’s – it’s not. I love them,” she gasped for air, “and they – love me.”
Kita squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop her tears from falling. When she opened them again, what she saw in her mother’s eyes was the one thing she’d feared the most.
Pity.
Pity, pity, pity.
Foolish, naïve Ikuyo, with her delusions of being lovable. Her silly fantasies of being loved by not one, not two, but three incredible girls. Her stupid wishes of standing together with them.
Such a poor, pitiful girl.
Such a pity.
“Ikuyo – “
Kita didn’t leave with a bang. She didn’t yell and shout, didn’t break down in tears, didn’t slam her fist on the table.
She simply stood up
grabbed her phone
and left.
Her father didn’t come after her. She was grateful – just like she’d asked him to do, he focused on stopping her mother from coming into her room.
The screen of her phone was the only light in the room. She stared at it, at the words laid out before her, the messages of her g̷i̷r̷l̷f̷r̷i̷e̷n̷d̷s̷ bandmates asking her how things went.
For a moment, her fingers hovered above the screen, like they’d done countless times the past hour. And like she’d done countless times, she simply turned off her phone, turned over, and tried to ignore the tear stains on her pillow.
She just needed to sleep. Then she’d be fine.
Falling asleep was proving a tough task, but – she’d be fine.
Eventually, the door bell rang. Kita wasn’t sure whether she’d been asleep or not.
And then, the door to her room opened, and she was about to chuck a pillow at her mother and tell her to leave –
“…Nijika?”
“Yo.” Nijika grinned at her. “You didn’t respond to our messages, so I thought I’d check up on you.”
“Ah – w-we came, too,” Hitori added, walking into the room with Ryo behind her. “Nijika suggested I stay over in case something went wrong, so I don’t have to make a two-hour trip…”
“And it looks like it paid off. Here, catch.”
Kita didn’t catch the object thrown at her with her hands as much as with her face. Ryo snorted.
…A bag of marshmallows?
“I-I thought something sweet might help,” Hitori said, and they sat down on the bed one by one. Out of the corner of her eye, Kita saw her dad winking before closing the door. “And, um, of course we’re here, so – “
She didn’t get to finish that sentence, as Kita swept them all up in a hug as tight as she could manage, clinging onto them like the world wanted to rip them away. As if they’d disappear the moment she let go.
They hugged her back, and it felt so warm. So, so warm. Quietly, softly, Kita started sobbing.
She wasn’t sure how things would continue with her mother, but, at least for the time being, with her girlfriends here – she’d be fine.