Chapter Text
The incessant drone of stagnant insects and wandering vespoids dominated the atmosphere of the muggy wetlands. Only challenged by the occasional hoot of an owl or croak of a giant toad.
But fragment’s of the sun’s glow passed through the thick canopy of hanging willows. Lighting up the clouds of flies and smoggy mist that wandered in the wind, hanging inches from the green water.
Mud splattered over the already damp path as creaky wheels rolled over its surface. Pulled ahead by four thick, grey scaled legs. The gentle aptonoth groaned as it stomped through the marsh. Straining against the harness connecting it to the covered wagon.
A leather gloved hand reached ahead, and gently stroked the side of the beast’s tail.
“Easy boy. You’re doing great.” The arm’s owner said. A young woman with braided mint hair. Pinned in place with a pair of thin tusks.
With a huff the woman turned her body, returning her hand to the reins as she turned to the sound of commotion.
“Burnice! Stop trying to light the wheels on fire.” She ordered, unable to hide an amused smile.
Burnice, the young woman with blonde pigtails, turned to the driver of their wagon. And returned her smile with a pouty frown. She wore an outfit similar to her companion’s. Armor crafted from coarse furred leather, metal plates and bolts, and black straps. Burnice’s pigtails were pinned up by tusks of her own. Hollowed out at the base to allow her golden locks to pass through.
Slowly she retracted her hand, pulling the tinderbox close to her chest as she solemnly screwed it close. Satisfied, the leader of their little posse faced the other side of the cart. And fixed her gaze upon the three little red skinned figures, each positioned at the wagon’s three other wheels.
“Woody, Grassy, Bricky, you too. Er- Three. Put the oil and tinderboxes away!”
The three little pigs snorted in disappointment as they stepped away from the wheels. And, though they struggled thanks to their little hooved hands, they too managed to screw on the caps of their condemned items.
One by one they waddled back to the cover of the wagon, and each tossed their contraband into the open supply chest before lining up behind Burnice. Thanks to their brown leather and fur uniforms, they almost succeeded in hiding behind the woman’s body. Almost.
“Come ooooooooooon Caesar! This swamp is so booooooring….” Burnice moaned as her body sagged. Her pigtails wilted dramatically, though, at the sound of the three young thirens squealing in agreement, they they softly perked once more.
“You’ve made that very clear. Considering this is your 5th complaint in the last 3 minutes.” Caesar recalled as she ran her hand through her hair, pushing it back up out of her eyes.
“Don’t you agree?? You’ve gotta be bored too Caesar!” Burnice urged as she learned against Caesar’s back, squeezing her shoulders softly in an attempt to further urge the hunter.
“Well yeah! But sometimes it’s good to sit back and wait. What’s that saying? Patience is a leather shoe? No that can’t be right.” Caesar ignored her partner’s contact as she scratched her chin. The metal stump at the end of her arm softly rubbed against her skin, failing to trigger her memory as Burnice backed away.
“In any case, lighting our wagon on fire isn’t gonna make us go any faster.” Caesar added as she lowered her arm.
“No but it’ll sure as hell make things more interesting!” Burnice’s eyes lit up, blazing with an unbridled passion as she held her fists up in excitement.
Caesar’s amused smile persisted, even as she rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the road. Once again ignoring Burnice and the three young boars.
Another bored groan escaped the blonde's throat as she turned on her heel, following the kids as they wandered back into the protection of the covered wagon. She plopped down, planting herself atop a sealed wooden box while she rummaged through their things. They hadn’t brought much after leaving their hometown of Calydon. Just their gear, personal items, materials for trade, and supplies for their journey.
Burnice once again found herself searching through Caesar’s belongings. She wouldn’t mind. Letting her explore through her stuff was the least she could do for commuting the carnal sin of boring the mixologist. Not like there was anything embarrassing hiding in all this junk. Well, there was one thing…
An imaginary lantern ignited above her head as she pulled a leather bound book from its hiding place among a bundle of socks. The light roared to life as she turned to the little pigs. Each going through a separate box. Grassy had gotten his head stuck in an empty bucket, Woody had found another Apple, and Bricky was gently brushing one of the bullfango pelt stretched along the wall.
As Burnice “innocently” strolled over to the boars, the lantern erupted, bursting in a violent fireball as she dropped the leather book in Woody’s lap.
The startled boar let out a squeal and dropped his apple. He tilted his head in confusion as he inspected the open book in his lap, and as he lifted it by one cover, holding the book sideways, his brothers joined him at his side. A bucket still atop Grassy’s head.
“Caesar!” Burnice called out as she cupped a hand against her cheek. “Woody got into your “literature” again!”
Caesar nearly tangled herself in the reigns as she scrambled to her feet. “You three!!- I told you not to mess with that!!”
Burnice discretely stepped out of her way. Smiling and giving a quick wave as she reached behind her back and grabbed the handle of her hunting horn. She giggled to herself as she made her way to the front of the wagon. Her horn at the ready in her hands.
Once in place, she dropped down in Caesar’s previous spot. “Sorry old buddy. But mama needs a little action!” She cackled to their aptonoth before she took a deep breath, and placed her lips against the weapon’s mouthpiece.
“You troublesome kids! What did I tell you about going through my things??”
“Wiee wiee??”
“No it’s not for you. How do you keep finding that? The only person I hid it near was Burnice—“
Chaos ensued as the roar of Burnice’s horn thundered through the swamp. From the twisted horns on their side of the bagpipe, jets of blazing fire spewed into the air. The combined surprise of the frightening noise, and searing heat startled the poor aptonoth. And so it responded in the only way it knew how.
The passengers of the little wagon staggered as their ride kicked into high gear. Like little bowling pins the boars rolled backwards. Which thankful dislodged Grassy from his wooden head cage.
Caesar on the other hand wasn’t so lucky. As she managed to stumble over a barrel in an effort to catch herself. “Oof!” She huffed as she fell over the barrel, landing square on her face and chest.
“Ha ha ha!~” Burnice cheered as she grabbed hold of the aptonoth’s reins. Maintaining some control despite the crazy situation.
“Burnice! What are you doing!?”
“Curing my boredom!”
The elated girl danced in place, wiggling her hips and bobbing her head as their wooden vessel crashed along the path.
Meanwhile her partner had just barely managed to right herself, and dodge the flying boxes that threatened to crush her like the rocks of an avalanche. Her panic skyrocketed as she watched Bricky bounce into the air, and nearly fly out of the wild ride. The boar was only saved as Caesar snatched him by the ankle.
“Burnice Burnice Burnice Burnice Burnice Burnice go go!!~”
“Burnice Burnice no no!!!” Caesar cried in response. “How much of our booze did you get into!?”
“All of it!!!!” Ah. That explained it. She always got rowdy when there wasn’t alcohol available. “You should really blame yourself. I don’t know you fell for that book thing again. Those three can’t even read!”
“No but there are pictures!”
“Ooo scandalous girl~”
Burnice’s crazy ass was nearly thrown out of the cart as their wheel struck a rock. Kicking the entire vehicle up into the air.
Among all the items that flew, the one that caught Caesar’s eye was the one that started all this mess. She tossed Bricky to the side and made a mad dash for the book. She threw herself over the railing, stretching the length over her entire body over the edge as she reached for the book, and barely caught it in her good hand. Unfortunately, without a second hand to support herself against the railing, she was milliseconds away from tumbling over the edge into the swamp below. Luckily for her, their ever loyal thirens came to her rescue, stacking atop one another to catch her ankle and hold her steady.
A breath of relief escaped Caesar as her wobbling stopped. “At least this situation couldn’t get any worse.” She thought as she stared at her reflection.
Wait, trees aren’t supposed to be reflective.
Panic once again set in as a second cart came hurtling into view, wheels spinning out of control as its white cover was bitten and shredded by a pack of red fanged wyverns.
“Burnice!!!” Caesar screamed the second she realized their paths were crossed.
“Uh oh.” Was all the manic had to say in response, as she turned her head to face the incoming crash.
Apart from the pack of wild raptors, who were most certainly unwelcome passengers, there were two figures atop the cart. A cowering man in a drab, white tunic, and a Palico with golden brown fur, and a sharp black mask. The felyne’s brow furrowed as it swatted away one of the fanged raptors, then spotted the Calydon’s wild ride.
“What the- get out of the way get-!!”
***Crash***