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A Cherry Blossom by any other name…
Kaoru’s hand was starting to cramp around his brush. His back and neck ached, and his eyesight was beginning to go a bit blurry. He'd been lost in his work and had no idea how long he'd been at it. “Carla, what time is it?” he asked as he began methodically cleaning his brushes.
“The time is 9:52 PM, Snookums.”
Kaoru sighed heavily, feeling his headache pulse in his temples. “Carla, please remove ‘Snookums’ from the list of approved names,” he ordered, reminding himself he couldn't get mad at her for this.
“Of course, Master. Would you like me to add a reason for the deletion?”
“Because it sounds ridiculous,” Kaoru told her dryly, standing from his work station and stretching. His back gave a satisfying pop, easing some of the stiffness in it immediately.
“Snookums has been removed from the approved names list, Master. Shall I inform Joe you intend to arrive at Sia la Luce shortly?”
“Yes. Thank you, Carla. And tell that brainless ape I'm hungry, so he better not keep me waiting.”
“Brainless Ape has already been removed from the list of approved names, Master.”
“Of course, it has,” Kaoru grumbled to himself.
“Reason for deletion: Get some new insults, Pinky. You've been using that one since we were fifteen.”
Kaoru sighed again at hearing his best friend’s voice coming from Carla's speakers. Ironically, ‘Pinky’ wasn't one of the names Carla had attempted to use with him, so it was still on the list. Kaoru was actually kind of glad she hadn't tried, because he honestly didn't know if he would have been able to remove it. Kojiro had been calling him that for far too long.
Though that didn't mean he wanted Carla – or anybody else, for that matter – using that nickname.
“Fine,” he relented. “Please tell Joe that I will arrive shortly.”
“Yes, Master. Would you like me to place a request for your dinner, Honey Bunny?”
Kaoru sighed for the third time in as many minutes.
*************
It had all started with Joe getting injured at S one night during a beef. The ankle sprain had been mild. More concerning had been the concussion from his thick head rebounding off the side of the mountain. It wasn't severe enough that the hospital had wanted to keep him, but they'd only let him leave under the promise that he'd have supervision for the next few days.
And that's when the problem arose. Because Kojiro swore he would, and Kaoru had automatically assumed that meant he'd be coming to stay with him, or vice versa, even, though Kojiro’s apartment above the restaurant was barely big enough for him alone. He had, however, refused either option with a vehemence that was rather insulting, especially considering the weeks he'd stayed with Kaoru to help him after Adam’s attack during the tournament. Kaoru had been hoping to return the favor, but Kojiro had been adamant he was perfectly fine on his own.
The compromise had been that he wear a Carla bracelet to monitor him during his recovery. Since Kojiro had always been so disdainful of the AI his best friend had created, Kaoru had been rather smug about the offer, figuring it would get Kojiro to stop his bitching, concede defeat, and agree to stay with him. To his surprise, though, he'd instead chosen Carla’s monitoring, which had just added insult to injury, in Kaoru’s opinion.
And things had only gotten worse from there. Because that was when Kaoru discovered that there was either a flaw in Carla’s coding that he couldn't find or the damn gigolo really could charm the pants off of all women, metaphorically speaking, including a female identifying artificial intelligence.
The nicknames began the very next day when Carla had referred to him as Dear instead of her normal address of Master. When Kaoru had asked her why she'd done so, she had informed him that Joe had taught her that pet names often gave a sense of comfort and familiarity in relationships, and as she'd been partially created to provide both for her Master, it seemed an appropriate addition to her coding.
Kaoru’s attempts to inform her that there was nothing appropriate about it and that he was fine with her calling him Master all the time – comfortable with it, even! – had actually been ignored by his creation. What followed was a week of increasingly ridiculous pet names, and Kaoru had been forced to use the “Approved Names List” for her. He had not expected Kojiro to be given access to the list, however, so while Kaoru had been putting every idiotic nickname that imbecile had taught her on the list, he'd also lost the use of some of his favorite insults for his best friend in trade.
At that point, it had become an unspoken challenge. Both of them attempting to outdo the other, one with cloying sweetness – no doubt designed to piss Kaoru off – and the other with every synonym for moron he could think of.
And neither was willing to accept defeat.
*************
Sugar, Sweetie, and Pumpkin Pie had gotten removed for being far too saccharine. Dumpling simply because it made him cringe . At the point that Carla referred to him as a Plate of Carbonara , Kaoru had suspected that she was either improvising and had taken the food metaphors too far or Kojiro really was the idiot Kaoru had always claimed him to be.
Kitten, Bunny, and Boo Bear had been too cute. Sunshine was almost sarcastic enough to be acceptable, and Pookie had just gotten a flat out no.
Love wouldn’t have been too bad if it hadn’t immediately made him think of Adam, and Kojiro had actually texted to apologize after that one got declined.
Kaoru had kind of liked Tesoro , which he’d admit on pain of death.
Meanwhile, Meathead , Green-haired Buffoon, and Overripe Cantaloupe had been removed from the list of insults Kaoru could use, and he’d been rather proud of that last one. Unfortunately, it was also what had set off the chain of food related names. He’d also been rather proud of Wakame Ambassador, and it had been rather fitting considering what Kojiro’s hair had looked like at the time. That one was actually still on the list of approved names because Kojiro had been laughing too hard to tell Carla to ban it.
After the first week, Kaoru began to wonder how one of them was actually going to win this ridiculous competition, but he knew he sure as hell wasn’t going to lose.
*************
“You didn’t like Honey Bunny or Snookums, huh?” Kojiro greeted as soon as Kaoru let himself into the closed restaurant.
That was the other problem . Carla, apparently, had been reporting back to Kojiro about his responses, which was cheating, in Kaoru’s opinion. It did have its benefits, though, since there was already a glass of wine waiting for him at his usual spot and Kojiro was carrying a fresh plate of food out for him.
“Even an imbecilic meathead like you had to know those would get vetoed,” he said indignantly.
“Me?! You think I’m—”
Carla interrupted before Kojiro could finish whatever asinine defense he was about to give. Another bad habit she’d picked up from Kojiro, no doubt, though Kaoru could care less as long as she wasn’t doing it to him.
“I would like to remind you, Master, that ‘imbecilic meathead’ has been removed from the list of approved names,” she chimed in, the bracelet around Kojiro’s wrist glowing orange as she spoke up. Kaoru hadn’t programmed her to do that. He hadn’t even known the LEDs embedded in the bracelet could do that.
“Of course, it has,” Kaoru grumbled to himself. “Even honest insults for the damn chucklefuck have been removed.”
“I must inform you that ‘Chucklefuck’ has also been removed from the list.”
“How the hell did that get removed!?” Kaoru demanded, looking at Kojiro in confused irritation. “I’ve never even called you that before!” With a huff of annoyance, Kaoru set down his fork and reached out his hand. “Give me my bracelet back, Gorilla. You're a bad influence on her!”
Gorilla, somehow, had managed to remain on the list.
“What the hell did I do!?”
“ You– ” Kaoru spluttered, trying to form words, but it was difficult when most of his favorite ones to use around Kojiro would get him lectured by Carla.
“I believe Joe requires continued monitoring, Master,” Carla interjected. “This morning he showed signs that his recovery is not yet complete.”
Kaoru’s irritation vanished instantly. As much as he enjoyed his antagonistic relationship with his best friend, that didn't mean he didn't genuinely worry about him.
“Is everything all right, Kojiro?” he asked sincerely.
“Everything is fine,” he replied through grit teeth. “Your damn robot doesn't know what she's talking about.”
Normally, Kaoru would argue the use of the term robot, but he was too busy frowning to even pay it much attention. This was the third time he'd attempted to get his bracelet back and every time, Carla made some sort of excuse on why she needed to continue monitoring Kojiro. Almost like she… wanted to? Considering Kojiro’s attitude towards her hadn't changed all that much, Kaoru couldn't help but wonder if his AI had somehow formed some sort of humiliation kink and liked the abuse Kojiro put her through. He considered asking Tadashi what signs he should look for to find out and then decided that was a conversation he did not want to have with Snake.
“Both your heart rate and blood pressure were elevated beyond normal levels while you were in the shower this morning, Joe,” Carla spoke up, “and you seemed to be distressed.”
“I wasn't distressed,” Kojiro argued.
“You called out for assistance from–”
“Carla!” Kojiro shouted, sounding almost panicked. “I wasn't distressed!” Kojiro said again, vehemently. He might not have been distressed then but he certainly was now. By the ruddy color that stained his bronzed cheeks, Kaoru had a feeling he knew exactly what had happened and chuckled softly.
It had taken Carla awhile when she’d first begun monitoring him to know that not all increases in vital signs were a medical emergency. He could still remember his embarrassment the first time she’d asked if she should start panic attack protocols because his breathing was erratic while he’d been masturbating. Seemed like Kojiro was still in that phase of learning with her.
Except, for the first time in their lives, it would seem Kaoru was the more patient of the two of them. Kojiro pulled the bracelet off his wrist and put it down on the counter between them, using enough force that Kaoru immediately bristled at having him mistreat Carla like that. “You know what, take your girlfriend back. I’m done.”
Before Kaoru could yell at him for being a brute, the bracelet on the table lit up. “Apologies if I’ve upset you, Joe. I have only been trying to assist you.”
“If I wanted somebody nagging me all the time, I’d find myself a wife!” Kojiro yelled towards the bangle. “Or move in with Kaoru since that's pretty much the same damn thing!”
Kaoru spluttered, figuring he’d just been insulted but also… did Kojiro just compare him to a wife!? Figuring he’d leave that alone for now, though it was sure to haunt his thoughts later, he simply barked out with, “Show some respect for Carla! She doesn’t nag, she offers gentle reminders, you ungrateful Luddite!”
“Compared to a robot lover like you, everybody’s a Luddite!”
“I’m surprised a simpleton like you even knows what a Luddite is!”
It set off one of their usual arguments. For the first time in over a week, Carla stayed out of it.
*************
It was only later, slightly tipsy from the wine they’d drank, that Kaoru thought about a couple of different things — trying to firmly push the wife comment out of his thoughts every time it arose — and reached a conclusion he was not entirely comfortable with. He’d made a comment to Kojiro about how he’d lost the competition between them because he’d conceded defeat when he gave back the Carla bracelet. His best friend, again, had denied knowing what Kaoru was talking about.
Which meant two things, really, neither of which Kaoru liked in the slightest. First, it meant he’d spent the last week in a competition by himself because Kojiro, apparently, didn't even know they were competing with each other over the approved names list, much less that he was losing . The other was that if Kojiro hadn’t come up with the idiotic idea to start using pet names for Kaoru, it meant it really had been Carla’s idea.
Kaoru couldn’t figure out why she would do such a thing, though. Sure, she was constantly evolving, improving herself, as she learned new information or adapted stored data. But this… seemed different, somehow. It was why he’d assumed Kojiro was behind it. Well, that and her saying Kojiro had taught her that pet names fostered comfort and familiarity.
“Carla,” he asked abruptly. “Why were you and Kojiro discussing pet names for people?”
The consul on the center of the table lit up, rather than either of the bracelets in Kaoru’s hand, her purple C floating above it. “Joe had used a derogatory term for you, Master, so I asked him if that was why he disliked you. He explained that he does not, in fact, feel any ill will towards you and that the insults used between the two of you are said with affection and are similar to nicknames or pet names for each other.”
“All right,” he said slowly. It had never actually occurred to him before that Carla might not have known that. “How did that lead to you deciding to change the way you address me?”
“I asked if the term he had called you would be considered a nickname or a pet name, Master, and he said probably neither. After I explained the difference between the two of them, he said most of your insults for each other are pet names since you would not allow others to call you by them.”
“True,” Kaoru admitted. Though there were a few people that he’d allow to get by with calling him some form of Pinky — mainly Shadow when they were racing — if anybody else dared to refer to him as Princess , Kaoru would kick their ass six ways to Sunday. “I still don’t understand how that led to you testing out pet names on me,” he added.
“He suggested that you would not be receptive to what he truly wanted to call you. I was attempting to assist him by gauging your response to different pet names that were of a less insulting nature.”
“And he didn’t tell you what it was he wanted to call me?”
“He did not, Master.”
Kaoru chewed his lip lightly, worrying the small scar that remained from his lip ring as he thought. He could see how everything had unfolded now in a way that meant Kojiro hadn’t been aware that Kaoru thought it was a game between the two of them, with Carla merely the messenger. Hell, he should have realized Carla was the one behind the terms of endearment when she had referred to him as a Terabyte, but Kaoru thought Kojiro was just being witty, especially considering how often Kaoru threatened him with his teeth. Or, well, how many times in the past that he’d actually bitten him.
Once Carla had reported back to Kojiro her findings, and he’d learned of the Approved Names List, he’d no doubt simply seen it as a way to ban Kaoru from using his favorite insults.
“What insult did Kojiro use for me?” he asked out of the blue.
“Joe has used numerous insults for you, Master. Would you like me to list them for you?”
“That won’t be necessary, Carla. I meant during the conversation you had with him. You said he used a derogatory term and it wasn’t one that could be considered a pet name. What did he say?”
“He said he was stuck being babysat by your robot girlfriend since he couldn’t move in with you because you're a goddamn cocktease, Master.”
“He said what!?” Kaoru shouted, bolting upright and suddenly far more alert than he had been only a moment ago.
*************
This was a terrible idea, Kaoru thought, considering it was three in the morning. Still, that did not keep him from pounding loudly on the exterior door to Kojiro’s apartment once he got there. It took a few tries until he could hear his best friend bitching from the other side of the door before it was yanked open irritably.
“What did you want to call me?” Kaoru blurted out, without preamble, before Kojiro could say anything.
Burgundy eyes blinked at him before narrowing. “Right now? A pain in my ass. Do you have any idea what damn time it is?!”
“Just answer the question, you stupid monkey! You told Carla there was something you wanted to call me, but you didn’t think I’d like it. What was it?”
He saw something that might’ve been panic flash over Kojiro’s face before he covered it with a mask of annoyance. “Can we talk about this when it isn’t three in the morning, Kaoru?”
“No. I need to know now.”
Kojiro searched his face, as though looking for something. Kaoru had no clue what he saw there. Maybe it was the pent-up desperation he was currently feeling, or the bright bloom of hope his conversation with Carla had given him. Or maybe it was the years of longing that Kaoru, for once, did not try to hide.
“Mine,” his best friend told him gruffly. “I’d call you mine.”
Kaoru shoved the door open the rest of the way as he surged forward, one hand going around the back of Kojiro’s neck and the other fisting in the worn-out old tank top he wore, pulling him to him. Thankfully, Kojiro didn’t fight him at all, meeting his mouth with his own, kissing him just as urgently. As if it was the only way to express what they’d both been hiding for so long.
Eventually, unfortunately, the need for oxygen forced them to part. Not by much, but just enough to allow them to catch their breath. “You are such a dumbass,” Kaoru muttered.
“Might I remind you, Master, but the term ‘dumbass’ has already been removed from the Approved Names List,” Carla chirped.
“But he’s my dumbass,” Kaoru added possessively, grip on the larger man tightening, trying to tug him impossibly closer.
“Carla, put it back on the list,” Kojiro ordered before simply kissing him again.
*************