Chapter Text
Yelena's stupid fucking windows were too goddamn big for their own good. What use was the sweeping view of New York City that she had when she had the blinds down anyway? When the light of the sun was too painful and too dissonant to her grief-laden heart?
The crack between her curtain and the border of the window let a tiny bar of light in, and Yelena squinted. She groaned, and rolled over, planting her face firmly into the pillow. But it was too late; she was awake. Another cursed day for another cursed existence.
Rolling over, she stared at the ceiling, watching the thin grid of light slowly lay claim to the drywall. Yelena had rolled free of her blankets, and her 3-day old outfit was bared into the light - a soft hoodie and athletic shorts with a white border at each seam. Her hair was the most unkempt it had ever been, tufts sticking everywhere and her roots horrendously overgrown.
When she finally slumped out of bed to get to the bathroom, she opened the door to find that she was out of toilet paper. The wastebin in the corner stood, mocking her, covered in a small mountain of various garbage. Yelena groaned, then put her hood on before leaving her room.
She trudged down the hallway, past all the other Thunderbolts' rooms, stopping only at Alexei's. His name was still there, which was good, because Yelena had specifically requested it. No- she had demanded it. Tearfully. It was embarrassing.
Before she knew it, she pushed open his door and was overcome by the Alexei-ness of it all. An ”I Heart NY“ t-shirt in the hamper. Several plushies that he had won for her, but ended up falling in love with himself, so much so that Yelena felt it was morally wrong for her to take them from him. Carved wooden ducks.
”Yelena.“ A voice came from outside the room, and Yelena whirled around.
”Whoa, it's just me,“ Bob said, hands up in surrender. He was wearing his signature oversized sweater and reading glasses. Clearly, Yelena had interrupted his morning routine. ”I heard someone's door open and I wanted to check if they wanted breakfast. If you wanted breakfast, I mean.”
“I'm okay.” Yelena said, hunching back over Alexei's memorabilia.
“Okay, well do you want company? I know it can be hard to be around his things when he's gone-”
“No, thank you.” Yelena said. She kept her voice steady, but was no longer looking at Bob. She saw his demeanor sag from the corner of her eye.
“Okay, well, I'm around. Let me know if you need anything.” He said, and started to retreat out the door. Yelena stared at the things around her, scattered as if Alexei was just coming back for them, as if the minute Bob left he would waltz back in, his huge voice filling the room. But Bob's footsteps faded, and Alexei was nowhere to be found.
Dead. The big bad Red Guardian dead. Yelena couldn't even shed a tear, so emotionally empty she was from mourning for Natasha. And within the same year too. What fucking luck.
After ignoring her body for enough time, eventually her bladder won and she trudged out of Alexei's room and down to the communal bathroom. As she sat down at the toilet, she found herself facing her reflection in the mirror.
And goddamn, did she look like shit.
Good, she thought. Just how I feel.
When she was back in her room, Yelena listened as the other Thunderbolts prepared for a weeks-long mission in Dakar in their shared hallway. It was looking to be a boring one, cleaning up more of Val's messes, but Yelena could not fathom getting up and going through the motions as part of the team. A team Alexei was no longer a part of. She had her face smushed against a pillow, drool forming as she listened to her teammates prepare for their lives.
“I'm not going to bring the shield.” Walker said, and Ava scoffed.
“Okay, so how are you going to help then?”
“Well, it's still a taco! How am I supposed to do anything with that?”
“So you admit it's a taco now,” Bucky said, accompanied by a metallic click.
“Fine, yes, it looks like a taco. And tacos aren't useful weapons. So I'm not bringing it.”
“So we're going as a ghost, the Winter Soldier, and just some guy then.” Bucky said.
“Yeah, well, that’s who the Thunderbolts are right now,” Walker said brashly, and a small quiet fell upon the conversation.
In quieter tones, but still at a volume that Yelena could understand, she heard Ava whisper, ”Is she coming?“
”I don't think so. I haven't seen her in days.“ Bucky said.
Yelena listened as the floor creaked, and the conversation got even quieter. Good. She didn't need to hear them anyway.
A small shuffling, then a knock at her door. Yelena's head shot up.
”Yelena?“ Ava said. ”Yelena, we're heading out to Dakar in a few hours. Are you coming?“
Yelena sat up, as quietly as she could. She held her blanket to her face, staring at the door as if she could bore her eyes straight through.
After a few moments of silence, Bucky tried his luck. ”Yelena, we are going to be gone for a couple weeks. Val wants Bob to come with us, but we could get him to stay if you want the company.“
Bob was leaving too? It was just going to be her, alone?
Walker came next. ”Yeah, um, hope you're okay in there. I know you and Alexei were close.”
A small scuffle, followed by a muffled “don't mention his name, you idiot.“ After a beat, Ava's voice again. ”Let us know if you need anything.“
Yelena stared at the door until she heard them walk away. She sprawled back on the bed, head and heart throbbing.
The sun slipped its way past the ceiling, and Yelena heard more noises outside as a helicopter landed on the Helipad. More shuffling, someone running back to their room to grab something last minute, and then quiet footsteps, ending at her door.
”Yelena?“ Bob's voice filtered through the door now. ”Yelena, Val wants me to join this mission. They're leaving in a few minutes, but I can still convince her to stay if you want. You know, so you can have some company.“ He paused. ”It's hard when you're alone, but it's easier when we're together. Someone told me that once.“
Yelena sat up again, listening to him speak. It felt good to hear his voice, she couldn't lie to herself. Slowly, she got up and went to the door. When she opened it, Bob toppled onto the ground, losing his balance from leaning on the door.
”Bob.“
”Yelena,” he said, staring up at her from the ground. ”Do you want me to stay?“
”No. You should go with them. It's a big deal that Val asked you to go.“ Yelena slid down to the ground against the wall. Bob sat up to face her.
”Yeah, but you're not okay. You're in the darkness.“ Bob gestured around the room. ”Literally.“
Yelena smiled. ”It's a temporary trip. I just need another day here and then I'll be okay.“
”That's not how it works.“ Bob said, concern in his eyes.
”Look,“ Yelena said, heaving a big sigh. “I will make you this promise. After today, I will get up, and I will take a walk around the block. Every day. In the sun.“ Bob raised an eyebrow. ”And I will send you a picture of me on this walk.“
”Every day?“
”Every day.“
”Okay,“ Bob said, ”But you have to send me a picture of at least one meal too.“
”Fine.“
Bob got up, and offered a hand to Yelena. She took it.
”I left you some food in the fridge. I'll see you in 14 days,“ he said. Yelena nodded.
-
When the Watch Tower was quiet, Yelena slowly creaked out of her room. Bob was right - she was living in the darkness for too long, and now she was hungry. Famished, even.
She crept down the stairs, feeling the weight of her body on every step. What a Sisyphean act, she thought, to shoulder this entire weight anytime she wanted to go anywhere. What a bore.
”Glad someone decided to get off her ass.“ A voice broke her thoughts, and Yelena looked over to see Val sitting on the communal sofa, glass of white wine in her hand. Yelena stared at her, hard. She took her time, coming down the stairs and opening the fridge before deigning her with a response.
”What do you want.“
”How generous of you to ask. You see, I've been incredibly generous with the grace I've given you for your grief. I know Alexei and you had just rekindled your father-daughter relationship, and I know his death must be hard on you, but you are an Avenger now. Shit happens.“
”Is this supposed to make me feel better?“ Yelena said, bringing her glass to the table with a solid thunk.
”No, it's supposed to make you reconsider your life choices.“ Val said, taking another sip of her wine. ”Plus, I have something for you.“ She waved a manilla folder around before extending it in Yelena's direction.
”What is it,” she said, voice clear with annoyance.
“A small mission, while the rest of the Thunderbolts take care of something bigger. Something to get you back on your feet again.” Val said, waving the folder. Yelena rounded the kitchen island and took it.
Inside, a couple of densely covered documents, scrawling handwritten notes and a single organized dossier. Yelena scanned it quickly.
“A stealth mission?”
“A simple in and out. You get in, figure out where the vibranium is, get it or destroy it, I don't care, and get out. Child's play.” Val said, waving her hand around imperiously.
“Yeah, but this is in Sweden.”
“So?”
Yelena paused. ”Yeah, okay.“ She closed the folder. ”I'll do it.“
”Great,“ Val said, getting up from the sofa. “Get to the airport tomorrow at 11. We've spent enough money on these goddamn helicopters as it is.”
Yelena watched her go. Maybe she did need a mission to keep her occupied. Maybe this would bring her back to her former self. She could only hope.