Archive of Our Own ^beta

So here we are, all dressed to kill, where should we go?

Into the wild again to face the great unknown

And have the midnight conversations you and I postponed

You saved my life, not once but twice

You keep me free from falling

You saved my life, make it all alright

When I don’t feel like talking

You make sure I always see the daylight

[Shinedown – Daylight]

Felix looked himself up and down in the bathroom mirror. There was glitter around his eyes. Gloss on his lips. His hair was tied back, just enough strands hanging loose to frame his face perfectly, as if they just naturally fell that way. As if they hadn’t been individually picked out of his ponytail, meticulously positioned, then curled and hair-sprayed to shit in order to look just windswept enough. He had an urge to mess with it.

Instead, he traced a manicured finger over the freckles on his left cheek and wondered just how long it’d take for everyone to realize he was a fraud.

There was a cheesecake sitting at home in his fridge, left to cool. He’d sworn Seungmin to secrecy when he’d seen him baking it earlier, because it was supposed to be a surprise for Jisung. But Felix had already decided he probably wouldn’t give it to him. The texture was off. Felix had either over- or undermixed it, and he’d probably used the wrong kind of cream cheese as well, because it wasn’t setting right – but by the time he’d noticed, he’d been out of both ingredients and time.

He’d been sent to go get ready with the rest of the group for some mysterious event tonight that nobody had wanted to give him the full details on, even though he knew it was a surprise birthday party for him and Jisung.

And now he was all prettied up and still thinking about the mess of a cheesecake he’d left in his fridge, and how he wasn’t a baker at all. He just knew how to follow recipes, and that made him no different from anybody else that could read.

And well, apparently he couldn’t even do that right, judging by the state of the cake.

He’d greeted the rest of the members and had said happy birthday to Jisung, who had just gotten off of an Instagram live where he’d virtually shared a slice of a Quokka-themed cake with Stay. Felix had given him a big hug, squeezing so tight that Jisung had yelped. Then he’d made pleasant conversation with his hair and makeup artists and stylists as they worked on him, like he always did. It had been easy enough to be in a decent mood, then – he liked talking to others, listening, learning about them, watching them glow.

He didn’t like being alone.

Felix heard a knock on the bathroom door and could tell it was Chan just by the strength and rhythm of it. A moment later, his hyung informed him in muffled English that it was time to go.

“Coming!” Felix called back through the door, surprised at how convincingly cheerful he sounded, when there was nothing he wanted to do less in this moment than go to a big party. Sometimes a big crowd was worse than having nobody around.

Lonelier.

He’d much rather stay home tonight with just the rest of his members and do something chill where he wouldn’t be forced to be the center of attention. But he couldn’t back out of this. And he was good at acting happy, wasn’t he?

He thought that was a funny thing to say about someone that had openly cried in front of thousands of people many times. It seemed like a contradiction. He just figured he couldn’t do anything completely right. Sometimes he couldn’t fake it; other times he couldn’t let himself be genuine. Felt out of place in the middle ground, never really sure on which extreme he belonged.

He belonged in the limo, for now.

Felix closed his eyes. Tried to loosen up the muscles in his face; his clenched jaw, his tensed brow. It was ironic – the way trying to relax could be so draining. Another contradiction.

When he opened his eyes he was smiling again, and he didn’t think it looked all that forced. Good, then. Good enough. He opened the door, where Chan was waiting, and gave him a warm grin. The slight concern that had been on Chan’s face dissipated and for Felix, that made the effort worth it.

He linked his arm with his. Tried to let it ground him.

When they pulled up outside the club that had been rented for tonight’s party, he grabbed Chan’s hand and squeezed it tight, then did the same with Jisung’s on the other side. Tried to mentally prepare for all the noise and flashing lights once they exited the car.

He’d been given the full rundown on the way: There would be select paparazzi allowed inside the venue for the first two hours of the party. They’d snap some shots of the birthday boys and the high-profile guests – half the industry had been invited. Then the paparazzi would leave and hopefully everyone would be able to enjoy the rest of the evening in relative peace.

The fans waiting outside were obnoxious and Felix was grateful for the rope separating them from the carpet that had been laid out, leading from the limos to the door of the club. Still, he smiled and made hearts at them with his hands. They were just excited. He was always thankful for the fans, and tonight was no different – that wasn’t the issue. It was just that he felt so… wrong. Two-dimensional. Unlike himself, somehow. Like he wasn’t the Lee Felix they knew and loved, and it wasn’t fair to anybody to pretend that he was.

A fraud.

He stuck to Chan’s side, for now, and eventually they made it into the club. Screaming fans were replaced with thumping bass. The whole place was decked out in streamers, balloons, and blown-up photos of his and Jisung’s faces. His feet moved on autopilot while he stared at at least twenty different versions of himself with a detached sort of numbness, until he no longer recognized his own features. He ran a hand over his chin absentmindedly.

Chan steered him to a large table to the side of the dancefloor that had been set with an enormous cake – chocolate – that had yet another photo of him and Jisung printed onto it. There were two thrones in the center of the table and he was led to one while Jisung was escorted to the other by Changbin. Ridiculously sparkly tiaras were placed on their heads. Candles were lit. The group sang. He and Jisung blew the candles out. Felix closed his eyes and made his wish.

Please just let me get through this.

Cameras flashed red behind his eyelids. Music pounded in his ears. His best friends clapped him on the back and cheered. He and Jisung took the first obligatory bites of their slices of cake, then Jeongin, then the rest of them. Felix mmh-ed at it, smiled for the camera, made conversation, laughed when it was appropriate.

Soon he was dragged onto the dancefloor by Hyunjin. On the way they greeted at least fifty people, and while they were dancing somebody new came up to him every few seconds with a birthday wish. He wanted to tell them all it wasn’t his birthday quite yet, but that seemed redundant.

Hyunjin was enjoying himself. It gave Felix some comfort to see that. It always gave him comfort to see Hyunjin dance.

The evening would be okay. This was work, for now. Just another part of the job description. The party wasn’t really for him. Events like these never were really for them. Which wasn’t to say he never enjoyed them – sometimes it just got tiring.

Still, time was going by quickly enough.

At some point he and Jisung had been led back to the table and given gifts, all of which were expensive and luxurious. Afterwards, they had posed for photos together and it had struck Felix that he’d barely spoken to Jisung since the limo ride. Even as they went back to the dancefloor together, they weren’t able to actually converse much. It was too loud and they were constantly being interrupted. Jisung squeezed Felix’s hand tightly and looked at him as if he wanted to say something just before he was pulled away into the center of the dancefloor by a tide of other idols trying to get him to dance with them.

Felix barely even got to watch him for a few moments before he was pulled away himself in the direction of the bar. Still, he kept sneaking glances at Jisung out of the corner of his eye. It gave him some comfort in the same way watching Hyunjin did.

Felix was always fascinated by the effortlessness of Jisung’s dancing. It looked so easy, like it came so natural to him. Jisung could be barely-there mentally, and still his body would move in a way that radiated confidence; a swagger that was inherent.

Felix wasn’t quite so good at not letting his emotions affect him.

Finally, the first two hours had passed and the paparazzi was escorted out.

Felix excused himself from the group of people he’d been standing with and headed for the door next to the DJ booth that led outside. More people were dotted around the spacious outdoor patio and garden area. There were more tables, lots of plants, even a decorative fountain. This side of the building didn’t face the street, so it was mercifully cut off from the city. The entire outside area of the club was fenced off and surrounded by high shrubbery.

Felix managed to sneak around the side a little bit and avoid most of the other people gathered out there, stopping to briefly say hi to those he couldn’t. He found some privacy around a corner, where he sat on the edge of a somewhat secluded potted plant and finally took a moment to breathe.

He let the temperate September air engulf him and wondered how come clubs were always so smoky. He felt lightheaded, almost like he’d been drinking, even though all the drinks tonight were non-alcoholic. He tried to focus on feel of the wind on his skin.

Soon Jeongin found him, and when he asked if Felix was okay, Felix convinced himself it wasn’t a crime to lie to him. He didn’t like the way the frown was creasing Jeongin’s face. When it smoothed back out, Felix was glad, and let himself be dragged back to his feet. He wouldn’t let on that he wasn’t in the mood. He was annoyed because he wanted to be at home; he wasn’t annoyed at Jeongin. Never at Jeongin.

He pinched the maknae’s dimpled cheeks and let himself be guided back inside, thinking about how lucky he was to have him, to have all of them. Reminding himself that moments – days – like these always passed, and he wasn’t a bad person for having them.

He was having a hard time believing himself.

Felix danced, drank excessively sweet and colorful drinks, posed for selfies, danced some more, talked to various acquaintances and friends, tried to allow their happy energy to recharge him. At some point he realized he was just getting more frustrated the longer it wasn’t working, but he decided that was okay. He cared more that everyone else was having a good time.

He hoped Jisung was having a good time. He hadn’t seen him in a while. He stared up at a giant, glossy photo of Jisung’s face. It looked foreign, somehow, and only got stranger the longer he contemplated it.

He figured that, most likely, Jisung was still being swept up in conversation or dancing by anybody he came across, too. Lost somewhere in the crowd. It came with the territory of being the star of the evening – nothing they hadn’t dealt with before. Nothing they hadn’t signed up for.

Still, he had a sudden strong, inexplicable urge to see him. To touch him. As if he needed a tangible reminder of the real person he knew as opposed to the blown-up, glossy two-dimensional face all around him, smiling right next to his own.

Felix pinched the skin of his palm and tried to remind himself that he was real – tangible – too, for now.

At precisely 11 pm, Felix’s phone rang – a video call coming in from his family. A small smile graced his lips. He’d known this was coming; 11 pm was midnight in Australia, and they did this every year. He just hadn’t realized it had already gotten so late.

He was standing right beside the door to the bathroom, so he stepped inside it, where the lighting was better and the music was quieter and muffled, before answering. His family started singing to him before he could even get his hello out, and despite himself, he teared up.

“I miss you guys,” he told them, and wished they weren’t a number of hours in the double digits away.

"Your tiara is on crooked, sweetheart,” his mother told him, and he straightened it while they blew him kisses.

Just after he’d hung up, the door swung open, nearly giving him a heart attack. Changbin walked in.

“Yongbok-ah!” he exclaimed and pulled Felix into a tight hug, which Felix allowed himself to melt into momentarily. He was hit with a wave of gratitude for his second family.

While Changbin was at the urinal, Felix asked him if he’d seen Jisung. Changbin hadn’t, and after he’d washed his hands and left Felix with a kiss on the cheek, which Felix had responded to by smacking his butt, Felix unlocked his phone again to text Jisung. He still had the urge to find him, see him, touch him, talk to him.

Me: Jisungieee! Where are you?

It took a few minutes before a response came in. Felix watched himself in the mirror until his vision unfocused, and found himself feeling less and less real again. Two buzzes of his phone ripped him out of it.

Sungflower: yongbok. birthday its our birthday party

Sungflower: yonbok i feel weird

Felix swallowed uneasily. He was starting to feel lightheaded again. He didn’t like the way Jisung was texting. Almost as if he was drunk.

Me: Are you okay?

Me: What’s going on?

Another few minutes passed. Felix grasped the edge of the sink with one hand while he held his phone in the other, staring at it with burning intensity, as if the sheer force of his willpower could make Jisung answer quicker.

The door swung open again and Felix nearly jumped out of his skin. Somebody came in that he’d definitely met before, but couldn’t quite place. He didn’t have the capacity to feel guilty about it. Something ugly was steadily rising in his chest.

He put on his practiced smile and exclaimed his agreement at the other’s mention of what a great party this was with just the right amount of enthusiasm.

After a few excruciating moments during which he pretended to be fixing his makeup at the mirror, he was left alone again, and quickly locked himself in one of the stalls, trying not to think too hard about the way his limbs were beginning to tingle or how uncomfortably his heart was pounding.

He had to swallow it down. The fear trying to claw its way up from his stomach to his throat. It tasted like acid. It felt like heartburn. If he closed his eyes, he’d feel like he was falling. The blood was rushing too loud in his ears, completely blocking out the muffled sounds of the music. He tried to focus on his screen. It was blurring slightly.

Maybe he was overreacting. He hoped he was overreacting.

Me: Hannie where are you?

Me: Are you alone?

Sungflower: yongbok im overwhelmed its too loud

Me: Can I come to you? Are you with anyone?

Me: Hannie do you want me to get you and we can go outside?

Sungflower: dont want attention

Me: Do you want me to call you?

Sungflower: its ok im ok

Me: Do you want me to get Channie hyung?

Sungflower: im ok its just so loud and hot

Sungflower: i dont want to ruin anyones fun

Me: It’s okay. You’re okay I understand.

Me: You couldn’t ruin anyone’s fun <3

Me: Breathe, okay? Just focus on your breath.

Sungflower: im trying

Sungflower: im scared

Felix unlocked the stall door with shaky hands. Exited the bathroom. Scanned the dancefloor as quickly as he could. Glanced at all the corners of the club, the bar, the table where they’d had their cake. No sign of Jisung. But he saw people heading in his direction and quickly retreated into the bathroom stall again.

Me: I’m a little worried about not knowing where you are. I don’t want you to be alone.

Sungflower: i dont want to tlak to anyone i dont know how to talk

Sungflower: i shouldntt have come to the party

Me: We can leave. Do you want me to call one of our drivers? Should I grab any of the others? Chan hyung?

Sungflower: im too warm

Sungflower: dont want you or chan hyubg to worry

Sungflower: im ok just forgot how to breathe

Me: You don’t have to worry about us!

Me: I’m in the bathroom if you want to come here and splash some water on your face.

Me: Drink some water if you can Hannie <3

Sungflower: i cant drink

Sungflower: im sorry lixie. you dont have to worry im ok jsut need to calm down a little bit im ok

Me: Shh let me worry about you if I want to!

Me: Are you sure you don’t want to call or let me come to you?

Sungflower: im ok im ok i jst ashamed i feel stupid im sorry

Me: No baby you’re not stupid at all.

Me: Can you describe what exactly you’re feeling right now?

Sungflower: nauseous cant rlly breathe. tight chest i think shaky

Me: Are you sitting down?

Sungflower: yes

Me: Okay. Good. Are you sure you don’t want me to call you?

Sungflower: i cant talk

Me: Okay. Deep breaths, okay?

Sungflower: trying

Sungflower: this is so stupid

Me: It’s not <3

Sungflower: dont wnat to ruin party

Me: You’re not <3

Me: Just keep breathing <3

Me: You’re doing great. <3

Sungflower: too many people inside

Me: Have you seen the patio? Do you think you can go there?

Sungflower: im there

Felix finally let out a breath he’d been holding in for too long and it shuddered through his entire body. He briefly thought he’d fall over and grabbed onto the wall, then wiped his sweaty palms on his pants when he realized he wouldn’t. Squeezed his eyes tightly shut once before reopening them, willing them to focus, willing himself to focus.

Fear was a heavy, sour pit in his stomach. He felt entirely unequipped to handle this. He typed with trembling fingers, slowly, so he wouldn’t make mistakes. He didn’t want to do anything that could make Jisung worry more.

Me: Do you want me to send Channie hyung to you?

Sungflower: no one pls dont send anoyne pls

Me: I don’t think you should be alone

A few minutes passed. Some of the longest of Felix’s life. He felt so weak. Almost feverish. Arms heavy, legs unsteady. There was a nausea he hadn’t let himself give much attention to that had been building since the first message from Jisung had come in. But he had to get it together.

Me: Hannie, can I come to you?

Sungflower: im okay i dont need help

Me: Then for me?

Felix watched the little animated bubble that signified Jisung was typing appear on his screen, then disappear, then appear again. Another couple of minutes passed. He tried to breathe. In through the nose for four seconds. Hold for four. Out through the mouth for four more.

He held his breath for longer when somebody else came into the bathroom again, resuming it only when they left. He watched the typing bubble on his phone screen appear and disappear and felt his jaw growing tenser by the second.

Sungflower: ok

Felix practically bolted out of the bathroom. He stuck close to the wall as he made his way towards the patio door as quickly as he could, eyes down to avoid getting involved in a conversation he didn’t have the time or energy for right now. The music was so loud it almost hurt.

Felix nearly stumbled into Seungmin when he’d almost made it to the door.

“Yongbok! Where are you going?”

“Seungmin-ah, I’ll talk to you later, I need some fresh air, okay?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Seungmin’s brow furrowed as he looked Felix up and down. Felix plastered on the best smile he could muster and reached out to ruffle Seungmin’s hair.

“I’m good. I’ll find you later, Minnie.” He gave him a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out the door.

He scanned the area outside, the groups of people standing there. He politely waved them off when they tried to call him over.

He found Jisung around the corner where he’d been sitting earlier. Jisung was on the ground, back against the same potted plant. His eyes were closed. His forehead was shiny with sweat, collar unbuttoned. His phone was clutched in his trembling hands. Felix noticed that the skin around his fingernails had been picked at, all peeling and red. His tiara lay discarded on the ground next to him.

Felix approached him slowly, knelt down so he was level with him.

“Jisung?” he spoke as softly as he could manage. Jisung’s eyes fluttered open and it took a few seconds for his dark pupils to focus in on Felix. Then the tiniest, watery smile appeared on his lips, and a moment later he burst into tears.

“Jisungie, shh.” Felix reached a hand out, then paused. “Can I hug you?” Jisung nodded and Felix enveloped him in an instant, arms tightening around him, one hand stroking the back of his head. “Tell me if this is too much, okay?” He felt Jisung shake his head against the skin of his neck and was hit with a wave of affection for him that was so strong it might have knocked him over if he hadn’t already been on the ground.

Felix’s collar was already damp with Jisung’s tears. Felix himself was crying, too. He buried his face in Jisung’s hair, mumbling against it.

“I’ve got you, Hannie. You’re okay, baby. You’re safe. You’re doing so good. So good.”

He repeated it in a whisper until Jisung’s sobs started to die down and he was no longer gasping for air quite so desperately. Felix pressed gentle kisses to the top of his head.

At one point Seungmin and Chan came around the corner, stopping in their tracks when they saw them. Felix desperately made a gesture like he was drinking from a glass and hoped they’d gotten the message as they turned back around and left.

“Doing so good,” he whispered to Jisung again, until, eventually, Jisung pulled back. Felix watched him lean his still shaking body back against the potted plant, then took the phone from his hand. He placed it softly on the ground before grabbing Jisung’s hand and holding it tightly in both of his. “Is this okay?”

Jisung nodded weakly. “I’m sorry.” His voice was barely there.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Felix knew he wouldn’t believe him, but it needed to be said anyway. He squeezed Jisung’s hand. Wiped a stray tear from his chin. “Can you take a few deep breaths with me?”

Jisung nodded and Felix demonstrated the rhythm, placing a hand on Jisung’s chest and using the other to hold Jisung’s hand against his.

Four seconds in through the nose. Hold for four seconds. Four seconds out through the mouth.

In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out.

He closed his eyes and felt Jisung’s heart against his palm through the clammy warmth of his shirt. It was slowing. Gradually. Steadily.

Somewhere around the fourth cycle of breathing, Felix felt his own heartrate begin to calm. They kept at it a little longer, until Seungmin returned with a glass of water which he handed to Jisung, who accepted it sheepishly, avoiding eye contact.

“Thanks, Minnie,” Felix said, and Seungmin nodded before he walked away again.

Jisung took small, cautious sips while Felix caressed his back.

Finally, Jisung snorted and spoke up.

“What a party, huh? They should put pictures of this all over the freaking walls.”

Felix laughed harder than the joke deserved, and it was ninety per cent relief.

“I love you, Han Jisung.”

“I love you too, Yongbok.” Jisung’s gaze shifted down. He reached his hand to the side, began to play with the tiara, turning it around and around, tapping it against the tiled ground. It made a hollow clicking sound. The tiara was pretty, flashy, but there wasn’t much more to it than that.

“I’m really embarrassed,” Jisung said after a moment in a small voice. Felix stroked his cheek, then his hair, smoothing it down.

“You don’t need to be.” A beat, then: “Do you want to go home?”

Jisung groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Yes… but I don’t want to go back in there like this.”

“I know. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. I’ll be right by your side. We’ll get you out quickly.” Felix was already pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll have the driver text me once he’s out front and we’ll go straight to him. Should I get some of the bodyguards to guide us through the crowd?”

Jisung quickly shook his head.

“No, please, no extra attention.”

“Okay. Okay, you’re right. I’ll text Chan-hyung. He can help us.”

Jisung had his face in his hands again. “I’m so, so sorry about all this.”

“Shh, stop saying that. We’ll be home soon.”

“You don’t have to come with me, though. I’ll be okay by myself.”

“Please, I’m over this party anyway.” Felix hoped Jisung could hear the sincerity behind the lilt of his voice.

They sat in silence for a while longer and Felix didn’t let go of Jisung for a second, even though it made using his phone infinitely harder.

It wasn’t too long until he got the notification from their driver that he was waiting out front. He also informed Felix that the bodyguards on call outside were shooing the fans that had remained away. Felix breathed in deeply again.

The relief felt fragile for now – but it was there, unmistakable.

“Are you ready to stand up?” Jisung nodded slowly, carefully, like he was afraid of what would happen if he moved his head too fast. Felix stood first, then helped him up, supporting him with a hand on his back. Jisung held onto the plant for a moment to steady himself while Felix bent back down and gathered all of Jisung’s things off the ground. 

“I’m sorry I made you cry, Lixie.”

“Please. I always cry.” Felix scrunched his nose at Jisung and tossed an arm around his shoulders. “Ready?” Jisung nodded and they rounded the corner, where Chan and Seungmin stood. Jeongin had joined them too.

“Hey,” Chan smiled warmly. “I hope it’s okay we waited here. We wanted to make sure nobody else would come by.” Felix responded with a smile of his own – soft, and more genuine than any other he’d worn tonight.

“Thank you, Channie-hyung.”

Jeongin burrowed into Jisung, throwing his arms around him, and Jisung couldn’t help but smile himself. It still looked thin – shaky – to Felix, but it was good to see nonetheless.

Chan told them that the others were waiting just inside, ready to guide them across the dancefloor whenever they were ready.

Thank God for Changbin-hyung, Felix thought as Changbin walked behind them through the club, going above and beyond with silly antics and dance moves just to make sure most of the attention stayed on him if it ever seemed like a lot of people were looking at them. Chan and Jeongin were ahead. The others were weaving their way through different sections of the crowd, just so it wouldn’t seem too obvious that the group was essentially trying to form a protective circle around Felix and Jisung.

Felix had linked his arm with Jisung’s and squeezed his bicep repeatedly in a way he hoped was comforting until they made it to the empty curtained-off hallway that led to the club’s entrance. All of Stray Kids reconvened there within a few moments of each other. Everyone looked to Chan.

“Jisung and Felix are going to go home now. Okay? Are the rest of you good to stay?”

Nodding all around. Jisung was biting his lip. His eyes were still shiny with leftover tears.

“Lix, you really don’t have to come with me.”

“One of us can go, too, I don’t mind,” Hyunjin said.

“I’ll be okay alone, really.”

Felix pouted at Jisung playfully. “I want to come, silly.”

“But it’s your birthday party.”

“Yours too. If you get to leave, so do I.” He let go of Jisung then to give Chan a tight hug. “Thanks for all of this. All of you.” Felix smiled at the entire group over the leader’s shoulder. He winked at Changbin, who made a kissy face back. “Sorry to leave you guys behind like this. I hope people aren’t too nosy.”

“Hey, don’t even worry about it,” Chan said. “Just let me deal with anyone that asks about you two, yeah? You go. You’ve fulfilled your obligations.” Felix squeezed his waist, then let go, hugging everybody else one after the other. Jisung followed suit.

Just as Felix was almost out the door, he remembered Jisung’s tiara in his hand. He turned back to place it atop Jeongin’s head, grinning at him as he did. It was the easiest grin he’d mustered all night. He kissed Jeongin on the cheek and loved the way the maknae rolled his eyes, smiling all the while. Jeongin placed his hands on Felix’s shoulders and turned him back around, pushing him out the door.

Minho walked them the few steps to the limo.

“Call or text one of us if you need anything, okay?” Jisung nodded at him with glassy eyes and Minho helped both him and Felix into the car one after the other with a gentle, yet strong hand on their backs. Then he leaned his face in, stuck out his tongue, and hit them with a “Later, pabos,” before shutting the door on them. Felix and Jisung were chuckling as they collapsed into the seats.

Felix was so tired. His bones felt heavy. But somehow, he was more relaxed than he had been all evening, sitting in the backseat with a hand resting lightly on Jisung’s knee as the neon lights of Seoul flashed by him.

There was soft piano music playing through the car speakers.

As Felix watched the dashboard clock tick over to midnight, he thought about a club full of people celebrating his birthday without him, and didn’t regret leaving. He just hoped it wouldn’t cause Chan or any of the others too much stress.

“I made you a cake,” Felix confessed as he settled onto the sofa in his dorm. “It’s in the fridge. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you.”

“You did?” Jisung’s eyes lit up as he came back into the living room from Felix’s bedroom, tucking a white t-shirt into a pair of faded grey sweatpants. Both borrowed. Felix had already changed and removed his makeup, and was flipping through Crunchyroll in search of an anime to watch. He’d taken his tiara off and it now rested on his knee, where it was slowly but steadily distributing its glitter all over his sweatpants.

“I tried. I don’t think it turned out great.” Felix couldn’t keep the dejected tone out of his voice as he turned his face towards Jisung’s.

“Can I try it anyway?” Jisung gave Felix his best puppy-dog pout, throwing himself down onto the couch.

Felix was sure he only gave in so quickly because Jisung’s eyes were still rimmed red from crying. Actually, he knew that was a lie. He wouldn’t have been able to say no to Jisung either way. He rarely could.

“Just don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said, but his tone was undeniably lighter already. He leaned in close to Jisung’s face and scrunched his nose at him. “You’ve been through enough tonight.”

“I’ve literally never disliked anything you’ve baked,” Jisung responded, still with that pout on his lips, and swatted a hand at Felix’s shoulder.

“Well, then you need higher standards.”

“I like them just the way they are, thanks. Cake, please.” Jisung stretched his pursed lips into a playful little smile as he spread out on the couch. Felix felt warm from the inside out. Not an uncomfortable warmth. Nothing feverish anymore. Just… pleasant. Temperate. A mild September evening.

Felix sighed exaggeratedly and plopped his tiara unceremoniously onto Jisung’s head before standing up.

When he returned from the fridge with the cake balanced on one palm, Jisung’s eyes lit up, shining somehow brighter than Felix had ever seen.

“Cheesecake?!”

Felix brought his other hand out from behind his back, revealing a can of ready whipped cream. “We’ll just smother it in this if it isn’t edible.”

“Shush. There is no way it’s that bad.”

Felix stuck his tongue out at Jisung. “Let me just get some plates and silverware.” He grabbed a candle from the pantry while he was at it, and when he returned he stuck it squarely into the middle of the cake before lighting it.

When it took Jisung three tries to blow it out, Felix laughed and said, “Weak.” Mostly to see Jisung pout again. Jisung didn’t disappoint.

“Hey, you can’t be mean to me tonight,” Jisung whined before laying dramatically back against the pillows of the sofa again.

“You’re right, my bad.” Felix reached out to squish his cheeks. Then he cut into the cake. It held together surprisingly well – at least long enough for him to load a slice onto each of their plates.

“It looks good!” Jisung said.

"Don’t get your hopes up too high,” Felix warned. “Now come on. I don’t wanna try it first.”

Jisung made an unnecessarily loud groaning noise as he pretended to try and lift his upper body off the couch again. He made it halfway up before falling back theatrically once more.

“Too far. Feed me?”

“Loser,” Felix grinned. “Do you want whipped cream?”

“Not yet. I want to taste the cake on its own first.”

“Oh God. Just be nice about it if you hate it.”

Jisung didn’t say anything back, just opened his mouth and made an Aaah noise. Felix brought a forkful of the cake to his mouth, holding his hand palm-up underneath to catch the bits that were crumbling. As soon as Jisung’s lips closed around the bite, his eyes went wide. He didn’t even finish chewing it before he spoke.

“Yongbok, it’s so good, I’m serious!”

“You don’t have to say that,” Felix responded. Jisung just frowned at him and swallowed the rest of his bite.

“I mean it. This is my new favorite cheesecake,” he said, and demonstratively opened his mouth wide again. Felix grabbed the can of whipped cream and sprayed a large amount of it into Jisung’s mouth instead. Jisung yelped and flecks of cream flew everywhere, including onto Felix. Felix pulled a face at Jisung, who finally sat up and swatted at him again until he’d swallowed down the rest of the cream. By the end of those few seconds the two of them were almost crying from laughing.

Once they’d caught their breath a little bit and Felix had wiped his face, Jisung force-fed him a bite of the cake too. Felix had to admit that it wasn’t as awful as he’d expected – though he did notice some imperfections. But each time he started trying to list them, Jisung shoved more cake into his mouth again.

By the end of their slices, Felix had either forgotten that the cake wasn’t up to his personal standard or didn’t care anymore.

He licked his lips, and when he looked at Jisung – mouth covered in crumbs and specks of whipped cream, cheeks flushed from laughing, eyes still slightly red, tiara shedding glitter all over his head – he thought about what it might be like to kiss him. Whether he tasted sweet. Surely he did after eating cake, but Felix had a suspicion maybe he did on a regular day too. They’d pecked each other on the lips before, but that was it. And that wasn’t what Felix was thinking about doing now, though he didn’t really have an explanation for where his mind had taken him.

He looked at Jisung’s beautiful bare face, then into his shining eyes, and a small shiver went through him. The moment stretched out between them; inflated like a birthday balloon. Felix began feeling lightheaded again. But this time it wasn’t in a bad way.

When Jisung finally licked his own lips, Felix found his gaze tracing it. Then Jisung cleared his throat and broke the silence.

“I just realized this is the third cake I’ve had today. Crazy birthday, huh?”

“Yeah. Crazy,” Felix muttered, looking down. Now that whatever weird spell he’d just been caught under had broken, he felt a little awkward.

“Yours was the yummiest.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not!” Jisung whined.

“The others were made by professional confectioners!”

“I don’t care! Yours has just the right amount of sweetness, I loved the little note of vanilla, and I don’t care if it falls apart when you start to eat it. It all gets chewed up anyway!”

“Hm.”

“Just accept my compliment!”

“Fine,” Felix sighed. They both laid their heads back against the sofa pillows.

“Hey, Yongbok?” Jisung said softly after a little while. Felix turned to face him and found him already staring back.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for being there for me tonight.”

“Oh,” Felix said, and felt a surge of affection go through him again. “Don’t mention it. I mean, any one of us would have wanted to help.”

“I know. But I’m glad it was you.”

Felix smiled, and said nothing of the way his heart felt as if it had both broken apart and pieced itself back together in the span of a single evening. Some kind of contradiction.

“Me too.”

He’d forgotten about it, for a moment there. The raw panic that had seized him when he’d known Jisung was terrified and had felt completely unable to help him. He wished he’d found him sooner. Every second of that torture that Jisung had had to go through hurt Felix’s soul. He thought about watching him dance earlier in the night, and how he’d wished he could seem as nonchalant and cool as him, even when he wasn’t feeling it. He thought about how he hadn’t noticed what Jisung’s confidence had been hiding, and all of a sudden felt something dark and ugly threaten to consume him again.

But Jisung was here, and he was feeling better, and for whatever reason he attributed part of that to Felix’s help. That was what mattered now. Felix reached out for him and held onto his wrist.

Jisung was here. Tangible. Three-dimensional. Safe.

Felix wanted to give him the world. Never let him be hurt again. Cuddle him until he was begging for personal space. Bake him a cake every single day. He wondered if these were sentiments he’d ever be able to communicate, or if he even wanted to.

For now, maybe watching Jisung’s favorite movie would do.

“Hey, Hannie, do you feel like watching Howl’s Moving Castle?”

Jisung instantly nodded excitedly. “It’s not on Crunchyroll though. Can we stream it on your laptop?”

“Of course. It’s in my room, I can get it.”

“Can we watch in bed?” Jisung asked, and Felix’s stomach did a little flip. Which was stupid, because they’d shared beds plenty of times before.

“Of course we can. Right now?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Jisung hummed. Felix quickly got up to put the rest of the cake back away. When he returned to the living room, Jisung had stood up from the sofa too and was stretching. Felix reached up and took the tiara off his head, placed it down on the coffee table, then ruffled a hand through Jisung’s hair, shaking loose glitter everywhere. Jisung bopped him softly on the nose, then grabbed his hand, and Felix let himself be guided towards the bedroom.

Soon they were settled under the covers with the movie playing. Jisung had curled up against Felix’s chest and already seemed to be drifting and in out of consciousness. At some point Seungmin came home and briefly peeked his head into Felix’s bedroom to check if everything was alright. Felix gave him a thumbs up and a little smile.

By the time the movie’s credits rolled, Felix was only half-awake himself. He managed to shut the laptop and set it aside onto his nightstand before settling back fully against the mattress, pulling Jisung closer into his chest. He’d almost dozed off when the soft sound of Jisung’s voice pulled him out of it.

“Yongbok? Are you awake?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’m sorry I made you leave the party early,” Jisung said, and his voice sounded small and sad. “I don’t think it was even midnight yet. I’d been paying attention to the time before… you know. Because I wanted to be the first person to wish you a real happy birthday. I’m sorry I ruined that.”

Felix rubbed soft circles onto Jisung’s back, the steady rhythm soothing to him. He hoped Jisung found it soothing too.

“I wanted to leave. And you didn’t ruin anything.”

“Okay,” Jisung said, and didn’t sound convinced.

“I’m glad you’re safe.” A pause, then: “I’m glad you trusted me.”

“Always,” Jisung mumbled. “I’m still sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“Okay.”

Quiet, then. Felix listened to the mercifully stable sound of Jisung’s breathing and let his eyes grow heavier and heavier. The circles he was drawing slowed and slowed until they came to a stop, his arm resting comfortably on Jisung’s waist. His limbs were growing heavy now too. He felt like he was in quicksand, but not struggling. He was being pulled down, and it was relaxing, like a weighted blanket enveloping him.

“Hey, Yongbok?”

“Hm?”

Nothing for several moments after that, so that Felix began to wonder if Jisung had fallen asleep. But then he spoke one more time, voice thick with exhaustion.

“Happy birthday.”

Felix pressed a kiss to Jisung’s temple and let sleep take him.

Felix tried not to think too much about putting his tongue in Jisung’s mouth after that, but it was already proving difficult the next morning.

Felix had woken up first and just laid there watching Jisung sleep for a while; the tiny movements of his eyelids, the rise and fall of his chest. His mussed hair, the specks of glitter still in it and now also all over Felix’s chest and pillow. The smoothness of Jisung’s skin in the dappled sunlight filtering in through the half-closed shades.

At some point in the night they must have moved, because Jisung wasn’t laying on Felix anymore, but he was right beside him, a hand resting limply on his arm, their legs tangled up in each other and the blanket that had somehow ended up only on the lower half of the bed. Jisung’s body was radiating warmth.

Felix’s eyes fell onto the raw skin around Jisung’s fingernails and he felt a crack run through his heart for a second, followed by a flash of guilt for the things he’d been thinking about him last night and this morning, when he maybe should have been worrying more about his wellbeing.

But he didn’t have time to dwell on it for too long, because Jisung’s eyes fluttered open, a small smile gracing his pink lips. Felix watched his puffy eyes blink rapidly, then dilate, and he felt his own lips curve upwards in return.

“Morning,” Jisung mumbled in a husky, sleep-drunk voice, and for a moment his grip on Felix’s arm tightened. Then he rolled over onto his back and stretched, a guttural sound that was almost a growl coming from deep in his chest as he did. Felix laughed and Jisung turned back to scowl at him, but he couldn’t keep it up for long.

Felix had the urge to run his hands all over him, to thread them through his hair. To press his lips against the hot skin of Jisung’s waist, which was peeking out where his shirt had untucked and ridden up. Felix had to force his eyes away. His brain was already going a mile a minute trying to understand where the hell this was all coming from.

But Jisung reached his arms out and pouted like a petulant child until Felix shuffled into them. Then he enveloped Felix and squeezed so tight it knocked the air out of him for a moment. Felix let himself be held, inhaled him.

“Happy birthday again,” Jisung croaked, and Felix squeezed him back.

He decided he could spend his entire birthday like this and it would be potentially one of the best he’d ever had. But the dorm was steadily filling up with voices, and the smell of coffee as well as something that might have been French toast drifted through the crack under the door, and eventually they dragged themselves out of bed.

Felix wondered how the dorm was so alive when most of the group had been out a party late into the night. Still, the sight was one that warmed his heart.

Minho was in the kitchen, frying up something that did, in fact, appear to be French toast and threateningly swatting his spatula at anybody that came close – with the exception of Chan, who was giving him tips on how long to let the bread soak and what heat to use to get the caramelization just right.

Hyunjin and Changbin were half-wrestling by the coffee machine, so caught up in their argument over who got to use it first that they didn’t even notice Seungmin had snuck around them until his cup was already filling. Jeongin sat at the kitchen island with his own Americano already in hand, watching the chaos with a smirk.

Felix and Jisung looked at each other and grinned, before Jisung cleared his throat and they were finally noticed.

“Guys, Jisung and Felix are here, look!” Chan exclaimed loudly with far too much emphasis before awkwardly counting to three, and then they all burst into a cacophonous rendition of Happy Birthday. Jisung clapped his hands over his ears and pulled a face, while Felix tried not to laugh and failed. After they’d finished, he spoke up.

"Wow, thanks guys, that was… beautiful! But didn’t you already sing last night?”

“That didn’t count,” Hyunjin said sternly. “Now sit down and let the real celebration begin.”

Felix quirked an eyebrow, but he and Jisung complied, settling on the bar stools at the island next to Jeongin, who fixed them with his gaze and said, “I begged them not to sing,” as if he hadn’t been the loudest among them.

The three of them chatted. Jeongin told them a bit about the rest of the party and assured them that their leaving hadn’t been an issue.

Changbin and Hyunjin seemed to have solved their coffee machine squabble in the meantime, because they came over to the counter too, with an extra coffee for Jisung and a hot chocolate for Felix. Felix accepted it gratefully, immediately bringing it up to his lips and proceeding to burn his tongue. When Jisung laughed at him, he leaned over and bit his shoulder, earning a high-pitched squeal that Felix relished in.

Soon Minho and Chan brought over plates of French toast, complete with whipped cream, lots of fresh berries and a dusting of cinnamon. Felix felt his eyes go wide and thanked them repeatedly. Before he dug in, he snapped a picture of his plate along with his hot chocolate and uploaded them to Bubble with the message, “My brothers are the best!”

After breakfast, Chan informed the birthday boys that the festivities weren’t over just yet, and one by one they all brought out gifts they had for Felix and Jisung.

Hyunjin and Jeongin had made bracelets. They were colorful, and individualized, and kind of childish, and utterly perfect. Felix inspected the little hearts and suns that adorned the beads on his and knew he’d cherish it forever.

Chan gave him a box of assorted Australian snacks that made Felix’s eyes widen in delight, while Jisung had gotten a new leather-bound lyric notebook from him. Minho had an individual homemade tea blend for each of them, in jars decorated with pictures of his cats' faces, claiming his “children” had helped him decide on the flavors.

Seungmin gave them socks. And they were perfect. Days of the week for Jisung, because he apparently needed them, and fluffy ones for Felix with little capybaras in ribbons printed all over them. Changbin had found something called a “TMI game”, which was essentially a box of questions they could ask each other that were meant to start fun discussions.

“I can’t believe you guys did all this.” Felix was close to tears.

“Tell me you’re not crying over those ugly bracelets,” Seungmin teased, and Hyunjin punched him in the arm.

“Better than socks. Least creative gift I’ve ever seen,” Jeongin piped up. “I mean seriously, was the store all out of washcloths?” Seungmin pretended to lunge for him.

Felix loved them. He loved them all so much.

“We wanted to get you guys things we thought you might actually enjoy. Things with a little more… personality, y’know?” Chan stood up and engulfed Felix and Jisung in a hug from behind, and soon the rest of the group joined in.

Felix would choose this over flashy clubs and needlessly expensive stuff every single time.

There wasn’t much else on the schedule for the rest of the day for most of them. Felix had to do an obligatory birthday live, so he’d gotten ready and run to the JYP building, where he’d been told to do the livestream from. Chan went with him, hanging out in one of the studios and messing around with a few tracks while he waited.

A Bbokari-themed cake was waiting for Felix – in a room full of streamers and more pictures of his face – just as he’d expected.

He ate it on camera and tried not to think about big cheeks full of whipped cream or a pair of pink lips all covered in crumbs.

If Stay saw him blushing, he was sure they’d just blame it on excitement.

“Are you doing okay after yesterday, Felix?” Chan asked him as they sat in the back of the car together on their way home. The golden late-afternoon sunlight cast moving shadows across Chan’s face as they drove through the city. “That must have been a lot for you.”

“It was a lot for Jisung.” Felix hadn’t thought about anything but Jisung all day, though for the most part he’d successfully avoided spending too many thoughts on the nightmare of what had happened at the party. If he let his mind go there, he’d feel it all too intensely again. How terrified he’d been.

“I know it was a lot for Jisung. But right now I’m asking you, Felix.”

Felix turned to look out the window on his side of the car and swallowed down the lump he could feel forming at the base of his throat. He knew he was emotional, but this seemed excessive, even for him. Maybe he hadn’t slept enough.

But he could feel Chan’s gaze on him, and knew from experience that it was pointless to try and lie.

“I felt so helpless, hyung,” he confessed, voice quivering. “I felt like the completely wrong person to be there for him. I kept wanting to get you, but he didn’t want more people involved. I didn’t know what to do.”

“But you did do something, Felix. You talked to him. You found him. You helped him breathe. You didn’t leave him alone with it.” Chan had put a hand on Felix’s knee and was rubbing it reassuringly. Felix wiped away a stray tear that had spilled over his cheek.

“What if I hadn’t texted him?” he asked in a strangled voice that was almost a whisper. “I don’t even know how long he was like that before I found him.”

“He’s okay, Felix. He’s safe.”

“Yeah. He’s safe.”

“You did great. I promise.”

Felix tried to believe him. He really did.

“I just hate the thought of him feeling that way.” Felix wiped away more traitorous tears.

“I know, sweetheart,” Chan murmured. “But trust me, it would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been there. He ended the night smiling, and safe, and we have you to thank for that.”

“I really didn’t do anything special.”

“Can I ask you something, Felix? You were having a rough night too, weren’t you? Even before all of that, I mean.” Felix sighed. He should have known he hadn’t been as convincing as he’d thought. At least not to someone like Chan – someone who really knew him. Someone who had trained himself to pay attention to the tiniest indicators that something might be off with one of the members.

“I was just overwhelmed. I just wasn’t feeling great. But I’m okay. Thanks for making it possible for us to leave, I’m sure there was a lot of people asking.” He turned to look at Chan again. “And today was perfect. Thank you.”

Chan smiled at him, but his eyes still looked a little troubled, and Felix got the feeling he didn’t want to be done with the conversation yet. But Felix was already pointing out the ad they’d just driven past for a local fast food chain’s new milkshake flavor and asking Chan what he thought of it as if it mattered, and Chan let the questions go.

When they got back to the dorms, Felix took a quick shower before rejoining the others in the living room. They were noisily trying to order food – it was always a huge ordeal with all eight of them. Everyone was shouting over each other and constantly changing their minds, until Minho, who was putting the order in on his phone, loudly threatened to get only vegetables for everyone but himself if they didn’t get it together soon.

Changbin protested at an ear-piercing volume, but somehow Minho’s plan still worked, and soon enough the order had been put through and everyone was just lounging around scrolling on their phones.

Felix had settled onto the sofa next to Jeongin, who occasionally chuckled at his screen, then held it out to show Felix a TikTok. A few times Felix snuck a glance at Jisung, who was across the room in an armchair with Minho, and when their eyes met it sent bolts of electricity all through him, down to his limbs. They’d grin, or stick their tongues out at each other, and Felix felt giddy.

The food came, and the group took their time sharing and enjoying everything. Then they spent the rest of the evening chatting, listening to music and playing their brand new TMI game.

At one point Jisung snuck off to the kitchen and came back with the rest of the cheesecake, and Felix pretended to be mad at him, hiding his face in his hands as the rest of the group tried it. Everyone echoed Jisung’s sentiments from the night before, and soon the cake was all gone, and Jisung moved to Felix’s side and nuzzled against him with his stupid, shiny puppy-dog eyes until he was forgiven. The two of them spent the rest of the evening continuously touching, and Felix tried his best to act as if his heart wasn’t racing.

He could feel that stupid balloon inflating again.

When Felix went out onto the balcony for a breath of fresh air, Jisung came with him, always keeping a hand on him or an arm locked with his. And when everyone started getting tired one by one and leaving, he asked Felix if he would be okay with him staying over again.

Felix almost started to let himself believe that Jisung might like him – but then again, maybe this was his normal amount of clinginess, and Felix had just never paid this much attention to it. It wasn’t like sleeping in the same bed or cuddling wasn’t something they all did amongst each other on a regular basis.

But as the two of them sat on the carpet of Felix’s bedroom playing Uno at the end of the night – Seungmin had long since gone to bed – Felix could feel that tension again, and it was so palpable that he thought there was no way it was just him.

After Felix lost for the fourth time in a row, he threw the cards onto the ground in a fit of melodramatic rage, declaring his surrender. After a few moments of laughing, Jisung shuffled closer to him, until they were sitting side by side with their backs against the wall.

Jisung was singing softly along to the music they had playing; some pretty, melodic pop song Felix had forgotten the name of. And then Jisung grabbed Felix’s hand in his own. Their fingers intertwined against the fabric covering Jisung’s thigh.

The birthday was almost over, but the balloon was still swelling.

Felix inspected the skin of Jisung’s fingers. It already looked like it was starting to heal. Before he could think about it too long, he brought their joined hands to his lips and lightly kissed each of Jisung’s fingertips. When he realized what he’d done, his belly did a somersault.

He turned his head to look Jisung in the eyes.

Jisung’s singing had stopped.

The blood was pounding in Felix’s ears.

Their faces inched closer to each other.

The balloon was fit to pop.

Felix blinked, and tried to look anywhere except Jisung’s lips, but Jisung was already looking at his. He watched Jisung’s Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed, and as Jisung came even closer to him, Felix could faintly smell the cheesecake on his breath. Felix felt paralyzed – but it didn’t seem like he needed to move. He just needed to let whatever was happening happen.

The sound of the door to the dorm opening ripped him out of it. Both of them almost jumped, and then Felix heard the sound of Hyunjin’s voice out in the living room saying he’d forgotten his phone, while a tired-sounding Seungmin complained at him for being an idiot. Felix and Jisung had frozen. Felix’s heart was pounding in his throat. Hyunjin and Seungmin bickered for a few minutes until Hyunjin left again, the heavy door falling shut after him.

The sound rang in Felix’s ears for several moments longer. Lingering. Deafening.

The silence that followed was worse.

Felix averted his gaze down to where his hand was still interlocked with Jisung’s and suddenly became aware of just how much it was sweating. He let go, then. Wiped his palm on his pants.

“We should get to bed,” he mumbled, cheeks burning, and began gathering up the cards spread out on the floor. After a few moments Jisung helped him. They took turns in the bathroom getting ready and there was a new kind of tension between them, one Felix hated.

They got under the covers in silence and when they were settled, Felix finally dared to look at Jisung’s face again. He couldn’t place the expression he saw there. Couldn’t tell if it might be regret, or disgust, or disappointment – he just knew he didn’t like it.

Jisung said goodnight and turned his back to him. Felix said goodnight too and turned out the light.

And deflated.

He lay there like that, awake, listening to Jisung’s breathing deepen within minutes. Felix always had been in awe of Jisung’s ability to fall asleep so quickly. He listened to his breathing and tried not to cry again and wondered if he’d made a horrible mistake – and whether that mistake had been being seconds away from kissing Jisung, or whether it had been not doing it.

He shuffled as close as he could to Jisung’s body without cuddling him, even though every part of him wanted to, and let Jisung’s body heat radiate onto him. He tried to steady his own breathing. Laid a hand on his belly and focused on the feeling of the air filling it each time he inhaled, then leaving it again.

He didn’t know how long he was attempting to shut his brain off for – trying to count his breathing and constantly losing track of it. He only knew that it was incredibly frustrating.

Still, somehow, he did fall asleep eventually.

When he woke up first again, they were tangled up in each other just like the previous morning. He let himself enjoy it briefly, not awake enough to overthink it yet, the warmth of Jisung’s skin and the smell of his hair comforting – like freshly washed laundry.

But Jisung blinked his eyes open too soon, and moved away from Felix too quickly for his liking once he was properly awake. Felix said good morning and tried to smile at him, but it didn’t feel easy – and the more he worried about it, the harder it became.

He didn’t want Jisung to think anything was off. He wondered if Jisung was feeling weird about him.

He didn’t really get to find out, because Jisung said he needed to get to the studio. Felix convinced him to have a quick breakfast first, at least. They sat at the kitchen counter eating cereal and bananas in relative silence except for a few comments about nothing of particular importance, or occasionally showing each other memes from their social media feeds. When Seungmin came out of his bedroom, he snorted as he headed for the coffee machine.

“Are you moving in, Jisung?”

“Good morning to you too, Seungmin,” Felix responded with an eyeroll.

“Actually, I was just leaving,” Jisung mumbled, and quickly stuck his bowl and spoon in the dishwasher before grabbing his things and heading out the door. Felix watched it fall back into its frame behind him and suddenly found he didn’t want his own breakfast anymore. Seungmin looked at him questioningly. Felix shrugged back.

“He mentioned needing to get to the studio. I think Chan and Changbin are waiting for him.” Felix hoped he sounded nonchalant. He forced down the rest of his cereal and then took his time in the shower, getting ready for the day. By the time his skin was starting to shrivel from the slightly-too-hot water, he felt almost human again.

Good enough, then.

For the next couple of weeks Felix really threw himself into work, especially into his dance practicing. He spent a lot of time in the studio with Minho and Hyunjin, obsessing over the details of every new move they came up with or learned. Sometimes he noticed Minho watching him, but then that was kind of something Minho always did. Felix just couldn’t shake the feeling that Jisung might have told him something, and Felix was embarrassed. But when he lost himself in the music and let his body take over, he felt somewhat okay.

Seungmin’s birthday came and went. Felix gave him several pairs of fluffy socks in return – some with puppies on them, some with little baseballs. Seungmin didn’t want to go out, so he and Felix made brownies together before the rest of the group came over for a movie night. Felix sat far away from Jisung on the sofa, silent, and they barely interacted save for a few awkward glances. At least the rest of the members were animated enough to make up for it.

And time just kept passing.

Felix kept thinking he should talk to Jisung about what had happened. But he didn’t know how. And they were busy, and he told himself that was the main reason they hadn’t had that conversation. There was always someone else around, or somewhere to get to. Of course, when Felix lay in bed at night and tried to soothe himself to sleep – a hand on his belly, counting his breathing in his head – he knew that was bullshit. That they’d have found the time if they really wanted to talk about it. Which led him to believe that Jisung didn’t.

It was fine, though. Felix was fine.

He spent a lot of the free time he did have gaming – sometimes alone, but mostly with Jeongin or Seungmin. It was more effective than most other things at shutting up his brain, at least temporarily; it gave him something to focus on that wasn’t directly related to Jisung.

If he gave his mind too much time to wander, he’d end up thinking about it too much again. About how he’d somehow managed to fuck up everything. How he’d only wanted to be there for his friend, and had ended up making it about himself, and gotten too swept up in it. The whole thing must have made Jisung uncomfortable – that was the only explanation he could come up with. How he was sure he wasn’t good enough for him. And how he still couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him.

Felix was so frustrated.

And focusing on his routine wasn’t really working. And the longer it wasn’t working – wasn’t distracting him enough – the more frustrated he felt. He was struggling more in dance practices. Minho was correcting him more than usual, and Felix was humiliated. When Minho tried to talk to him about it, he insisted it was nothing, and practiced even more, until he was ready to collapse.

Felix was struggling in the recording booth, too, and that was even worse, because sometimes Jisung was the one directing him.

Felix had hoped that with time, things would just settle back into normalcy. That these feelings for Jisung – if that was what they were – would go away. But they weren’t, and Felix was questioning everything.

He’d started to wonder if he was just making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe there was nothing strange between them after all, and it was all in his head. Maybe Jisung didn’t even notice, or wasn’t bothered by it. But it all felt wrong to Felix. Unfulfilling. They saw each other every day, as usual, but each time they talked about anything and everything except whatever had been in the air between them for weeks, Felix felt weirder than before.

He'd look at Jisung right in front of him, and it was like he was there, but at the same time he wasn’t. A living, breathing contradiction.

And on top of all of that, more than anything else – Felix missed him.

He decided he needed to talk to him. Even if that meant risking humiliation. Even if that meant risking their whole friendship. Because he couldn’t keep going like this. He’d figured out by now that it wasn’t going to get any better on its own.

So he made up his mind.

Felix went to the studio at the end of another long day of dancing, muscles aching. He was hoping to intercept Jisung as he was getting ready to leave.

He ran into Changbin on his way out, who clapped him on the shoulder and looked at him with something akin to concern, which Felix didn’t enjoy – but he had bigger things to worry about right now. The little bit of courage he’d managed to summon was threatening to leave him at any second.

He pushed open the door to the studio to find Chan sitting hunched over his laptop with headphones on – and Jisung on the sofa behind him, fast asleep.

Chan removed his headphones when he noticed Felix.

“Hey.” Chan smiled warmly, his dimples making an appearance.

“Hey, am I disturbing you?” Felix asked, addressing Chan but eyeing Jisung’s sleeping form. He looked peaceful like this. So pure and innocent.

“No, don’t worry. Do you need something, Lixie?”

“Actually, yeah, I was hoping to talk to Jisung.”

“Oh,” Chan responded. “He hasn’t been sleeping well.”

Felix didn’t say anything back yet, still looking at Jisung. His eyelids fluttering with whatever dream he was having – Felix hoped it was something pleasant. His hair sticking up in odd places. His mouth hanging slightly open. His arms resting loosely on top of the pillow he was holding against his stomach. His fingers. The skin on his fingers – it was looking picked at again. Felix swore the wounds looked fresh.

There was an uncomfortable tightening sensation spreading in Felix’s chest.

“Do you want to walk to the vending machine with me? I could use a break,” Chan interrupted Felix’s racing thoughts again. Felix nodded and followed him out of the room, though not without some hesitance.

“Is he okay?” The question practically burst out of Felix as soon as they’d gotten a few steps away. Chan sighed.

“I think he’s having a hard time with his anxiety again.”

“Did something happen?” Felix was starting to feel sort of frantic, but he kept his voice level for the time being.

“I don’t really know. Changbin and I have tried asking, but he won’t open up. Keeps insisting it’s nothing. Actually, I was going to ask you to try and talk to him, cause it seemed like you really helped him the night of your birthday party.” Felix swallowed thickly and didn’t speak. He didn’t know what to say. They’d made it to the vending machine, and Chan selected a hot chocolate. “Do you want anything?” he asked, and Felix shook his head.

“How come you didn’t?” Felix said after the hot chocolate had finished dripping into the plastic cup, the sweet smell filling his nostrils. It was strangely unappealing to him, even though he loved hot chocolate. He wrinkled his nose. “Ask me to talk to him, I mean.”

“Well, to be honest, I get the feeling you’re going through something too. So I didn’t want to put anything extra on you.”

“I’m fine,” Felix answered, a little too quickly, and knew even as he was saying it that Chan wouldn’t believe him. He didn’t like the way Chan sighed. He hated being a burden.

“Minho said you’ve been off your game. He said he tried to talk to you, and you kind of shrugged him off. He didn’t want to push it.”

Felix looked down at his wrist, playing with the bracelet Hyunjin and Jeongin had given him. Chan led him to a little table a few steps away from the vending machines. They sat down.

The building was empty. It was a dark, windy evening, and the branches of the tree outside the closest window were hitting it repeatedly. One of the overhead lights was flickering.

“What is it you wanted to talk to Jisung about?” Chan asked after a few sips of his drink.

“Nothing,” Felix muttered, still looking at his wrist, rolling the beads of the bracelet between his fingertips. “I haven’t seen much of him lately. Outside of work, I mean.”

Chan nodded.

“Does whatever’s going on with you have something to do with what’s going on with him?”

Felix shook his head, then shrugged.

“No. I mean, maybe. I mean, I don’t know.” His voice had started trembling; his lower lip quivering. He hated this.

“Well, listen, Felix, I’m not going to make you tell me anything. But we’re worried. Just – think about opening up to somebody, yeah? You know I’m always happy to listen.”

“I know,” Felix said, and mustered a weak smile. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make anybody worry.”

“I know that, sweetheart. But we just want to help if we can.”

“I don’t know if you can,” Felix said in a small voice.

“Well, it might be worth a try. Even just talking about what’s going on can do a lot sometimes.”

“You’re right,” Felix said. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask. And that you let me know if it’s something that could affect the rest of the kids.”

“I promise.”

Chan smiled and placed a hand over Felix’s. A tear spilled over Felix’s cheek. Chan wiped it away. He finished his hot chocolate while Felix asked him about how the track he was working on was going. Then they walked back to the studio together. Chan peeked in briefly to confirm Jisung was still napping.

“I guess I’ll talk to him another time,” Felix said, lingering by the door, gaze pointed down at his shoes. A part of him didn’t want to leave like this. But he hated that Jisung seemed to be struggling again, and he hadn’t even known about it. He wanted to let him rest.

“I’ll tell him you came by,” Chan responded. “Are you going to be okay tonight? Do you want me around, or anybody else?”

“I’ll be okay,” Felix said. “Seungmin’s home, I won’t be alone.”

“Okay.” Chan smiled again, then wrapped his arms around Felix. When they parted, he stroked a hand through his hair fondly. “It’s all going to be okay. Trust me.”

Felix didn’t like the look in Chan’s eyes. It wasn’t pity, exactly, but it definitely wasn’t happy.

“Thanks, Chan-hyung.” Then Felix turned around and left, before he started crying again. He didn’t need Chan to worry even more. He didn’t want any of them worrying about him. He hated that they were. Especially when the reason was so silly. Here Jisung was, going through something serious – and Felix was crying over missing him. What he needed to do was get over himself. And figure out a way to fix this without making it even more complicated for anybody else. Especially not for Jisung.

No. He’d figure this out on his own.

Later that night, after dinner, Felix was laying on the sofa playing Animal Crossing on his Switch while Seungmin was stretched out next to him, some K-Drama running on the TV. Felix’s phone buzzed. He checked it absentmindedly, figuring it was probably another TikTok or something from Jeongin. His heart leapt into his throat when he saw the notification.

Sungflower: Hey

Felix quickly saved his game, then put his Switch down and gave his phone his full attention. He hadn’t even realized how long it had been since he’d gotten a private message notification from Jisung until the nickname had popped up on his screen.

Me: Hi Hannie!

Me: What’s up?

Sungflower: Chan hyung said you came by earlier

Sungflower: Do you feel like coming over?

Sungflower: I could use some Yongbok cuddles to help me sleep

Felix’s heart warmed. At the same time his brain was getting ready to overthink, but he firmly resolved not to let it. Not now, not tonight, not if Jisung needed him.

That would always take priority.

Me: Of course.

Me: I have to get up early though. I have a shoot in the morning. Is that okay?

Sungflower: Yeah, I just want your company. We don’t need to talk about anything, we can just sleep

Felix wasn’t sure if what he was feeling was relief. Did this mean Jisung agreed that there was something that needed to be talked about? Or had he not meant it that way and was Felix overinterpreting things?

It didn’t matter. Jisung wanted Felix there to help him sleep. Felix would happily do that for him. The rest could wait.

Me: On my way!

When Jisung opened the door for Felix, his eyes were puffy and there were bags under them. He looked pale, too. Felix didn’t know if he should ask about it.

He had to.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m great.” Jisung smiled, then chuckled weakly. “Sorry. Force of habit. No, I’m not really. But I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Okay. Well, when you want to, I’m here,” Felix said, entering the dorm and taking off his shoes. When he straightened up again, he asked, “Where’s Minho-hyung?”

“He’s sleeping. And before you ask, yes, I essentially had to force him. He didn’t want to leave me alone until he was sure I’d be okay.”

“Well, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” Felix paused for a moment, then held his arms open. It felt a bit awkward, at first, standing there like that in front of the man he’d been so in his head about for weeks. But as soon as Jisung stepped into his arms, it was like muscle memory. Felix relaxed into the embrace, and it felt natural, and for a few seconds, everything was okay. He let his chin rest on Jisung’s shoulder, and for a few seconds, everything bad evaporated.

“I just want to sleep,” Jisung mumbled against Felix’s neck.

“You got it,” Felix responded, tightening his hold on him for a brief moment. Then they separated just long enough to go to Jisung’s bedroom.

Felix settled down onto the mattress, and Jisung settled against him. Felix played with his hair.

Jisung kept nestling closer and closer into him, one leg thrown over Felix’s, his head in the crook of Felix’s neck. Felix closed his eyes and breathed in his scent.

God, how he’d missed him.

“Thanks for coming,” Jisung said, so faintly it was almost a whisper.

“Always,” Felix murmured against his temple, then let his lips linger there a moment longer, just the slightest ghost of a kiss. He didn’t overthink it. There were more important things.

“Goodnight, Yongbok,” Jisung said, and tightened his arm around Felix’s waist.

“Goodnight,” Felix whispered back. He remained conscious just long enough to hear Jisung’s breathing turn rhythmic and deep, and then Felix himself fell asleep – more easily than he had in weeks.

When Felix’s alarm rang the next morning, he shut it off as quickly as he could. Jisung opened his bleary eyes for a little bit, then protested sleepily when Felix untangled himself from his limbs. Jisung kept trying to pull him back in.

Felix’s heart felt light. His belly was full of butterflies. He wished so badly that he didn’t have to go. But he had an extra spring in his step as he got ready. He grabbed a protein bar from the kitchen where he pinched an adorably grumpy Minho’s cheeks before making his way out.

Unfortunately his schedule today was mostly solo stuff – modeling shoots, fittings and the like – plus one scheduled Instagram live with Hyunjin, which they did from the dance studio. Both of them were in a good mood, and the Stays in the live chat were well behaved today. Felix answered questions animatedly, and after he and Hyunjin were done, they went to grab a bite at the JYP cafeteria.

Chan joined them, taking a break from the beat he was working on, and the vibe was like night and day from the last time Felix had seen him. He could tell Chan was relieved, and Felix was glad to provide that for him.

Felix didn’t know what Jisung was up to at that moment, but he wasn’t going to ask about it. It felt too precarious for now. Whatever had happened last night, it had loosened something tense between them, but Felix was afraid that if he talked about it, it would tighten right back up again – or worse, snap. Maybe he was being superstitious, but he thought that was better than to risk it.

He would just be glad he could be there for Jisung again, for now. Could cuddle him.

They stayed in the cafeteria chatting for a while, and then Felix and Hyunjin left Chan to his business and walked a good chunk of the way home, having decided to enjoy the surprisingly mild evening while they could, before it turned back to the cold, harsh winds they’d been having for the past few days.

Felix hadn’t even realized October was right around the corner until Hyunjin asked him what he was getting Chan for his birthday. They mulled over a couple of ideas for a bit and eventually settled on gifting him a spa day with the two of them.

By the time Felix got home, it was late. He headed straight for the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, and when he slipped into his bedroom, he saw Jisung was there, in his bed. He was about to speak, until he noticed Jisung was fast asleep.

Instead he changed into a pair of sweats and an undershirt in the dark, and slid into bed as carefully as he could. Still, Jisung shifted and made a small noise.

“Sorry,” Felix whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

And Jisung did, but not before his arms snaked their way around Felix’s waist. Felix slotted his body against Jisung’s, melting into the embrace. For a second he swore he felt Jisung’s lips against the bare skin of his shoulder, but he couldn’t be entirely sure.

Either way, he fell asleep quickly again, and with a smile on his face.

The next night they didn’t see each other, and the night after that they slept in Felix’s bed again. Jisung had texted asking to come over, then quietly let himself in. His energy seemed more anxious that night, but when Felix asked if he needed anything, he said he just wanted Felix to hold him.

They lounged on the sofa scrolling on their phones for a little while, Jisung’s head in Felix’s lap. Felix did his best to soothe Jisung, stroking his hair and occasionally prodding his cheek affectionately.

Felix wanted to kiss him. He felt guilty over it.

Once they’d gone to bed and said goodnight, Felix spooning Jisung from behind, Felix noticed his own mind had grown too active for his liking again.

He kissed the back of Jisung’s neck. Then he breathed until, eventually, he fell asleep.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Felix said to Jisung the next morning after they’d gotten dressed.

“I appreciate it, Lix.” Jisung bit his lip and looked like he wanted to say something else.

“But?” Felix prompted.

“But… nothing. I don’t know. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“My best friend could never be a burden,” Felix responded so quickly he surprised himself. But he couldn’t have Jisung thinking something like that.

Jisung thanked him, and hugged him, and Felix stroked his back, and didn’t ask what was wrong again, because he could tell Jisung still didn’t want to talk about it.

But Felix was worried. Especially when Jisung didn’t show up for the next couple of nights, and didn’t ask Felix to come over either.

Chan’s birthday came and passed. Felix had made chocolate chip cookies per Chan’s request. They’d all gone out for dinner together then and played games at Chan and Jeongin’s dorm afterwards, and Jisung had gone home when Minho had left.

The days were getting shorter. October was deepening. The harsh, windy weather had reared its head again, and it seemed like it was here to stay.

Felix was on a forced break from dancing after twisting his ankle one day. He’d insisted it was nothing, but Minho had threatened to sous vide him if he showed his face in the dance studio for the next couple of days. And yes, Felix had had to look that up. Minho’s threats were getting more and more creative. Felix knew better than to push it.

He hadn’t been seeing much of Jisung again. He didn’t know why.

He didn’t understand how things could have changed so quickly again. And he didn’t know what to do to change them back.

He just kept thinking about it, and the days just kept passing.

And he hated how dependent his own mood was on this. Whatever this was.

He decided he must have pushed too far. Crossed some kind of boundary. He thought he’d been careful not to. But he had no other explanation for why Jisung was suddenly so busy again, or why he looked more tired each time Felix saw him, or why it seemed like he was avoiding eye contact, or why his responses were so clipped when Felix texted him.

More often than he cared to admit, Felix was being hit with flashes of panic that maybe Jisung knew about the feelings he was harboring. He didn’t think he’d acted much different than he always had with him… but maybe something in his eyes, or the color of his cheeks, or his treacherous heartrate had given him away. Maybe Jisung had been more aware than Felix had thought, and had become uncomfortable.

Felix started to wonder, then, if maybe he was one of the reasons Jisung had been feeling more anxious in general.

He replayed the last night they’d spent together over and over in his head, trying to come up with anything he might have done wrong. Anything he could fix somehow.

Jisung had seemed like he’d wanted to talk, but didn’t quite know how to. Felix remembered kissing him on the back of his neck in bed, and how the next day Jisung had seemed even more afraid of whatever it was he’d needed to say.

Maybe he’d wanted to tell Felix it was too much, but had been afraid of hurting Felix’s feelings.

Felix needed a distraction. Badly.

He didn’t really want to play League, but he didn’t have a better idea, and gaming did sometimes work for him. Still, it took him half an hour to actually decide to load up the game. He was so restless.

Usually, when he was feeling like this, he’d go to someone. But he didn’t want to this time. Partly because some of the others had made it clear to him that they were worrying again, and he wasn’t ready to have an honest conversation; partly because he didn’t want to drag anyone’s mood down if he was around them like this.

Still, he needed some sort of interaction, or he was going to go insane.

Playing League with Seungmin was his best course of action, then. Enough distance, even though Seungmin was right next door, and something to do that wouldn’t leave space for any questions Felix didn’t want to answer. Seungmin was good about not trying to force him to open up, anyway.

So they played a couple of matches. And Felix’s performance was nothing short of disastrous. At least to him – and some of his teammates made it clear they weren’t pleased, either. This was something he’d usually let roll off his back, or if he got angry, it was never serious. He mostly did it because it made Seungmin laugh.

Seungmin wasn’t laughing this time. In fact, after their fourth defeat in a row, he’d hung up on their Discord call and was at Felix’s door moments later.

“Get off League right now,” he said, and it wasn’t a question. Felix quickly realized he’d overreacted, and tried to backpedal.

“I’m fine, Seungminnie, I promise.”

“You’re not. And this piece of trash game is not helping at all, especially not if your sorry ass is about to derank. Can’t have you dragging me down with you.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Felix said.

“Hey!” Seungmin shot back. “I just insulted you. Why aren’t you insulting me back?”

“Sorry,” Felix said again, and looked back at his PC to shut down the game. Seungmin came over and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Not really,” Felix said.

“Too bad. I want to go for a walk and you need to come with me.”

“God, you really are a dog,” Felix said, chuckling a little bit despite himself, and let Seungmin drag him out of his chair. It was raining, but Seungmin wouldn’t hear any of it when Felix tried to use that as a reason not to go.

Soon they were outside, huddled together under the big umbrella Seungmin had grabbed on their way out the door. They’d walked in silence for a few minutes, but Felix knew it wouldn’t last. He felt like a child waiting for its parent to get mad at it for something. He felt ridiculous. Pathetic.

Seungmin piped up not long after.

“I’m going to talk now, and you’re going to let me, and you’re not going to run away because I have the umbrella and you’ll get soaked if you do. And if you get sick while you’re supposed to be recovering, I’ll tell Minho-hyung on you. Do we have a deal, Yongbok?”

Felix sighed. But he knew it would be useless to try and get out of this at this point.

“Deal,” he mumbled.

“Good,” Seungmin said. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to do this any more than you do.”

“Not really,” Felix said, but a small smirk did appear on his lips. It faded as soon as Seungmin started speaking again.

“Look. I don’t know what’s going on with you. I care about you, and I don’t like whatever’s been dragging you down. I don’t believe in forcing someone to talk to you about something if they clearly don’t want to, so I’m not going to make you tell me, but you need to do something, Yongbok. And you can talk to us. To any of us. I know you know that, and I also know you know there’s nothing we would ever judge you so badly for that you’d need to be this afraid. So I don’t get it. But please, for the sake of everyone, figure out a way to let it out. I can’t stand seeing you hurting yourself in the dance studio and crashing out over a silly game.”

Seungmin was silent for a moment, and Felix listened to the raindrops pattering down onto the umbrella, his cheeks burning.

“I’m sorry if that was too harsh,” Seungmin said then, with a little more tenderness in his tone.

“It wasn’t,” Felix told him, and meant it – he appreciated Seungmin’s bluntness, and maybe he’d needed to hear it, but this was still more than enough embarrassment for a day already. Seungmin stopped walking and put a hand on Felix’s shoulder, facing him.

“Talk to me?”

“I don’t know,” Felix answered, avoiding his gaze. “Can you give me a little more time to try and get my own head in order?”

Seungmin didn’t respond, but his grip on Felix’s shoulder tightened.

“I promise I’ll go to somebody if I don’t figure this out in the next… three days. Okay? Can we agree on that?”

“Make it two and you’ve got yourself a deal,” Seungmin said. “But don’t think I’m letting you get back on League until then.”

“Fine,” Felix said, and finally looked up at him. He gave Seungmin a smile. It wasn’t a strong one, but it was honest. “Can we go home now?”

“Yeah, let’s go, it’s nasty out here,” Seungmin replied, and smacked Felix on the butt.

Felix pouted and said, “You’ve been spending too much time with Minho-hyung.”

They went home and ordered gimbap and watched YouTube together for a while, and Felix was glad for Seungmin’s company.

Still, Felix tossed and turned in bed all night. Because now there was that. The added layer of finding himself with a deadline by which he needed to get his shit together.

Had he really been so selfish? Had he really been letting himself become so consumed by all of this that he hadn’t noticed just how much it was affecting the rest of them? He knew they’d noticed, of course, but he hadn’t known it was this extreme. He hated the thought of the rest of the members tiptoeing around him, or talking about what to do behind his back because he’d made it so difficult for them to approach him.

He wondered if Jisung was aware of it, or if they were treating him similarly.

Felix could barely sleep. He felt like he was drowning in quicksand, but couldn’t stop himself from writhing and kicking. And worse than that – he was pulling everyone that cared about him down with him.

He laid in bed on his Switch the next day, playing Animal Crossing again – a game chosen because it provided very little risk of raging. Seungmin had approved it before he’d left for his vocal training session.

There was nothing on Felix’s schedule today at all, which didn’t happen too often.

He wondered if Minho knew he was torturing him by not allowing him into the dance studio. He wondered if it was part of some evil masterplan to get him to confront his feelings. He wouldn’t put that past Minho.

Felix was not having a good time. Tom Nook’s stupid face was annoying him. He needed to do something different. He needed to do something productive, instead of just wandering around his Animal Crossing village without really paying attention, and still being unable to make sense of anything going on in his head.

He was no closer to figuring out how he was going to fix himself, and he only had until the evening of the next day. Not figuring it out wasn’t an option.

Felix switched off his game and groaned at the ceiling.

He usually liked to bake when he was sad. It comforted him, and brought joy to others. He figured it was worth a shot.

At the very least maybe it would make him seem more like himself – and maybe his state of mind could catch up, then. Fake it til you make it, or whatever it was people said.

Brownies were Felix’s go-to, but Felix wasn’t in the mood to make them. They didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right. He wanted something new. Maybe he could get creative. Maybe that would help him break out of his rut.

He settled on red velvet cupcakes, because it was something he’d been meaning to try for a while, and he had all the ingredients already. It was going well, he thought, until he tasted the batter as he was filling the cupcake liners and realized it was way oversalted.

He hadn’t even noticed that happening. Had his hand slipped? Had he forgotten he’d already put the salt in and done it again? Had he misread the measurements?

It didn’t really matter, because the cupcakes were ruined. No amount of cream cheese frosting in the world could save this.

Felix should have expected it. Should have known better than to attempt anything in the state of mind he was in.

He wanted to kick himself for being so stupid. For not being good at anything – because were you really good at something if you couldn’t do it anymore the second you were struggling mentally? He couldn’t dance. Couldn’t bake. Was a terrible friend. Had pushed away everyone close to him – unintentionally, in the case of most of them, and by being too much in the case of one.

The most important one.

Felix stood frozen with the bowl of batter in one hand and the spoon in the other – until he noticed it was dripping onto the counter.

His chest was tightening. He felt alarmingly overwhelmed.

He sighed in frustration, dropped the spoon into the bowl and put the bowl down so he could grab a dishrag to wipe up the drops of batter. But he must have miscalculated the distance of his arm to the counter, because he’d placed the bowl right on the edge of it – and it tipped off before he could grab it again.

The sound when it clattered to the ground made him flinch.

Felix wanted to pull his hair out. The floor and the cabinets were splattered red. There was something uncomfortable bubbling up inside of him. He needed to calm himself down right now.

He sat down on the floor, pulled his knees to his chest, and tucked his head into his arms on top of them.

And then the tears came pouring out.

He sobbed until his head ached. He sobbed like he thought it would cleanse him. Breaths shuddering. Shoulders heaving.

His thoughts were jumbled, and wouldn’t shut up, and the volume of them tortured him. He couldn’t decipher them, didn’t even know why exactly he was crying. Maybe it was a combination of everything.

He didn’t feel like himself at all.

Felix was sobbing so violently that he hadn’t heard the door opening – didn’t know somebody else was here until the door fell noisily into its frame, and a second later he felt a hand on his arm.

His sobs stopped abruptly as he lifted his head.

Jisung.

Of course it was Jisung.

And he was looking at Felix with a softness Felix didn’t deserve, eyes wide and eyebrows knitted together in consternation.

And he was beautiful, and Felix hated that he was the one that had put the worry on his face.

“Lixie? What happened?”

Felix opened his mouth to speak, but realized too late he didn’t know what to say.

He wanted to say something that would instantly make Jisung stop worrying. He wanted to make him laugh. He wanted anything but this. But he couldn’t think of anything, and it would never work, anyway. Not while he was still a sniffly mess, sitting curled up in a kitchen splattered full of red velvet cupcake batter.

How ridiculous he must look. How childish. He felt a flush creep into his cheeks. He wanted to crawl down inside his skin until he disappeared.

His traitorous lips were quivering again. More tears spilled over. He didn’t know where they were all coming from, and how there were still so many left.

Jisung put his arms around Felix, then. Sat down next to him and pulled him close. And Felix let him. Buried his head in Jisung’s chest. Let himself come apart in Jisung’s strong arms. Maybe he’d regret it later, but right now he was helpless to stop it.

He cried until his throat ached and the blood rushing in his ears was the only thing he could hear. Then it finally began to settle down.

Jisung reached above him for the paper towels on the counter, and handed one to Felix wordlessly. Felix wiped his nose, then pulled back from Jisung’s body just a little bit. He couldn’t have gotten very far if he’d wanted to, because Jisung still had his arm around him, and didn’t seem like he was going to let go anytime soon.

Felix looked up at him.

The silence stretched out between them. The air seemed thin. Like that balloon was inflating again, only this time Felix was inside of it, and wasn’t sure how long he’d still be able to breathe.

He hated this distance. He didn’t know how to bridge it. He didn’t know anything.

Jisung reached a hand out to Felix’s face and wiped away some of the tears there. Then he tucked a strand of Felix’s sweaty hair behind his ear. Felix offered him a small smile – something faint, and flimsy. It was the best he could muster up.

“What were you doing here? Did you need something?” Felix asked eventually. His voice sounded thick, somehow alien.

“I was looking for you, actually. I wanted to talk,” Jisung told him. “But that’s not important now. What’s going on?”

Felix swallowed. Jisung got him a glass of water despite having no way of knowing his throat was so dry. Felix took it gratefully, and once he’d put it down on the floor beside him after a few sips, Jisung instantly put his arm back around him. Felix sighed, and avoided looking into Jisung’s eyes.

“I really wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

Jisung nodded, then leaned in and kissed his forehead.

“Can I do anything for you?” he asked, and Felix shook his head. “Okay. Drink some more water, alright?” Felix nodded and reached for his glass again – and Jisung squeezed his shoulder, then stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. Just stay there, okay?”

Felix let Jisung take the crumpled paper towel he’d wiped his nose with from his hand and throw it out. Then he watched Jisung pick up the bowl and mixing spoon from the ground and deposit them in the sink. He proceeded to wet several pieces of paper towel and begin wiping up the batter on the floor and cabinets. Felix started getting up to help him.

“Stop, stay where you are. I’ve got this. You breathe.”

Felix wanted to argue, but his body was shaky and his words were failing him again, so he just sat back onto the floor, leaning his back against the counter behind him. He closed his eyes and listened to Jisung moving around. At some point Jisung started humming. Felix found it strangely comforting, even though if he let himself think about it, this entire situation was completely absurd.

It wasn’t too long before Jisung settled down on the floor beside him again. Felix blinked his eyes open and looked at him.

“Thanks for doing that. You really didn’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jisung said. He looked down and fiddled with a loose thread on the sleeve of his sweater. “Um,” he continued after a little bit. “I have something for you. A gift.”

Felix looked at him questioningly.

“A birthday gift, actually,” Jisung clarified, as if that explained anything.

“… It’s not my birthday,” Felix said, as if Jisung didn’t know that.

Felix felt like a complete idiot.

“I know,” Jisung laughed awkwardly. “It’s just… well, it was supposed to be for your birthday. But I just, like… chickened out of giving it to you? I’m sorry. You probably thought I hadn’t gotten you anything.”

“I never expect a gift from anyone,” Felix tried to reassure him. “Really. I didn’t care. Just spending time with you was more than enough.” As soon as he’d said that, he started to wonder if it was too much. His cheeks were heating up again. He hated second-guessing everything he said. He wanted things to feel easy with Jisung, the way they’d always used to.

Felix looked at Jisung, and his heart hurt, but at the same time he was glad just to be around him. His brain felt like one big knot, a mess of string. “Why would you be afraid of giving me something?”

Jisung looked down sheepishly, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a little velvet box. It was a beautiful shade of sky blue. Felix’s favorite color. Jisung handed it to Felix, then resumed playing with the thread of his sleeve.

Felix cracked open the box and found a ring. It was silver, and when he inspected it, he found it was engraved. Thank you for being my sunshine, it said. If Felix hadn’t already cried himself dry twice over, he might have teared up again right there and then.

He slipped it on instantly. It fit snugly against the skin of his finger. It was perfect.

“Do you get it now?” Jisung was saying. “I was embarrassed. I had this made, and at first I was really happy with it. And then I saw what everyone else was giving us, and I don’t know, it just seemed like way too much. I thought it might make you feel… weird. So I didn’t give it to you. And I was too awkward to say anything, or even make up an excuse for not having a gift. I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t care about you.”

“Are you kidding?” Felix exclaimed. “If anything, I’m the one that should be embarrassed. All I did was bake you a shitty cake.”

“Hey!” Jisung warned. “Don’t you dare say a bad word about that cake. It was not shitty. Actually, it was the best gift I’ve ever gotten. I loved how much thought and effort went into it. You knew cheesecake is my favorite. And I know baking is your love language. And it was delicious, even if you don’t believe me.” He paused, bit his lip. “And… that night is a memory I’ll always cherish. Which – you know. That’s saying something, given how it started.”

Felix’s heart was jumping around in his chest. He didn’t know what any of this meant. The ring. He probably wouldn’t even have thought much of it – aside from the fact that it was beautiful, of course, and incredibly sweet. But he wouldn’t have thought it was too much, or weird, and he had no clue where Jisung had gotten that idea. Unless Jisung had already been feeling vulnerable about something to do with Felix…

But no. Felix wouldn’t let himself follow that thought to its conclusion. That was wishful thinking. It had to be.

“Anyway, I know the gift is way overdue now. But I don’t know, for the past few weeks I just kept overthinking it,” Jisung was continuing, mercifully interrupting Felix’s train of thought. “And then eventually so much time had passed since our birthdays, and I kept going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to give it to you, and every time I decided I did, there was never a good moment for it. And then when I thought you wanted space, it felt even weirder and –”

“You thought I wanted space?” Felix interrupted his rambling.

Jisung cocked his head to the side and blinked at him.

“Well – yeah.”

“What made you think that?”

“It just felt like you were pulling away.” Jisung’s voice was becoming slightly more hushed. “After we…”

“After we?” Felix prompted. Jisung closed his eyes for a second and shook his head, then looked right into Felix’s eyes.

“After we almost kissed that night.”

Felix’s heart stopped. He wanted to look away, because his cheeks were burning again, but at the same time he felt frozen. This reaction was ridiculous. It wasn’t like he hadn’t known that that was what that had been, but hearing Jisung confirm it…

“You got so weird right after that,” Jisung was continuing, casting his eyes down as he played with his sweater again. “I thought you were grossed out by it. By me, I don’t know. And I shouldn’t have tried, and I’m sorry, I guess I just got caught up in the moment, and I was pretty sure you wanted it too, but when you pulled away from me I was so embarrassed.”

Felix needed to say something. Desperately.

His mouth couldn’t form words. He was opening and closing it like a fish. All he could do was sit there and listen.

“I thought maybe I’d unintentionally put some kind of pressure on you. I got embarrassed of how clingy I’d been after my panic attack at the party, and I started to worry that maybe I was like – abusing that? My anxiety. To, like, manipulate you or something. Like… I didn’t want you to think you had to be extra nice to me, or put up with all my clinginess, but there I was taking and taking from you anyway, and then I go and try to kiss you. And I’m sorry.”

Jisung paused, swallowed. Felix knew he should speak, but his thoughts were racing trying to process this.

He’d had no idea. He’d been trying so hard not to overstep any of Jisung’s boundaries that he hadn’t realized it had seemed like he was the one pulling away.

He thought about how he’d never wanted to let anything hurt Jisung again, and had ended up being the one doing it.

“So I get that you needed space,” Jisung was continuing. “But then… I don’t know, after the night Chan-hyung told me you’d come to the studio to see me, I just let down my guard again. And I was so glad to have you back. And then I couldn’t make sense of how you were acting. There were times I was convinced you liked me too. But we were only really close when I was in vulnerable emotional states. And maybe I was kinda using that to get closer to you. Not faking it or anything. But… y’know… I liked it when you were comforting me.”

“You’re not manipulative,” Felix finally found his tongue. “Please don’t think for a second you were abusing anything. You needed me, and I wanted to be there for you. I promise. And you could never gross me out.”

Jisung smiled feebly at him.

“Well… I don’t know. I just felt like – I don’t know, a burden, I guess. Always taking from you. And I was the one initiating everything. And when I tried to put that into words that one morning, I don’t know, you called me your best friend – which I am, don’t get me wrong. But I think it just like… really hit me, then. That that’s how you see me. The only way you see me, I guess. Which is fine. I promise. Of course it’s fine. It’s just…”

“Jisung?” Felix said in a small voice when the silence had gone on for a moment too long. “Jisung, look at me.”

Jisung squeezed his eyes shut tightly. Took a deep breath. Reopened them and looked right at Felix.

“I want more,” he said then.

Felix couldn’t breathe again. He was lightheaded. He couldn’t tell if he was still inside of the balloon, or if the balloon was inside of him – in place of his heart, expanding inside his chest. Pulsing like it was going to explode.

Jisung chuckled lightly then, but there was no real humor in it.

“I’m so sorry, Yongbok. I didn’t actually want to get into all of this now. Well, I mean, I did, when I came over – but not once I saw the state you were in. I didn’t mean to make this about me. I always do this.”

“No,” Felix said. “I’m glad you did. I mean – I’m glad we’re finally talking about this.”

“Finally?” Jisung echoed.

“I’m embarrassed, too,” Felix said. “I’ve been a mess. And I’ve been thinking a lot of the same things.”

“You have?” Jisung’s eyes widened. Felix reached out and started playing with that loose thread on Jisung’s sleeve himself, turning his body to face him.

Now or never, then.

“I wanted it too. The kiss, I mean.”

“You did?”

Felix swallowed. His heartbeat was too loud. It was hammering. And there was no sense in not being honest anymore. This conversation was happening.

“I still do,” he said, smiling weakly.

Now it was Jisung’s turn to say, “Please look at me.”

Felix did. His hand stopped messing with the thread, then. He let it just rest on Jisung’s wrist.

“My turn, I guess,” Felix said – heart pounding and butterflies looping and twirling inside him. “I thought you were the one that wanted space. I guess I didn’t even realize I was doing it but… I was so afraid of making you uncomfortable that it seemed like the best option was to keep letting you be the one to come to me. The night of the party… I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I had no idea how to help you, Jisungie.” Felix’s voice was quivering again. He made himself take a deep breath.

“You were great,” Jisung said. Felix smiled a thin smile at him.

“I was already having kind of a rough night myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jisung looked genuinely upset.

“Because you were more important,” Felix told him. “But anyway, that’s not the point right now. What I was trying to say is that I just felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. I thought I couldn’t help you enough, the cake wasn’t as good as I wanted it, and I wanted to be perfect for you. And then later that night, I… I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you. And I didn’t want you to think I was abusing anything. So… maybe I did pull away. Not intentionally. I promise. And I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you for these past weeks. I always want to be there for you.”

Felix hadn’t realized that he hadn’t even understood a lot of the things he was articulating himself until now, as they were coming out of his mouth.

He was already untangling. Even as the guilt over how he’d been acting was trying to consume him.

But Jisung – Jisung was smirking.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Felix questioned.

“You wanted to kiss me.”

“Yeah, but I’d already said that.”

“Say it again.” Jisung’s grin was widening. Felix found it infectious.

“Shut up,” he said. Then: “Please tell me I didn’t ruin this.”

“I thought I was the one that had ruined it,” Jisung responded.

“Never,” Felix whispered. His hand was still on Jisung’s wrist. He inched it down slowly until their fingers could interlace. He looked down and smiled at it.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you too, by the way,” Jisung said then. “I didn’t handle any of this right. I could have just talked to you instead of assuming things about how you felt. I promise I won’t do that again. But please promise me you’ll tell me if something’s wrong, or if you need me, okay? I want this to go both ways.”

“Okay,” Felix replied. He looked up at Jisung again. Jisung’s face was already closer to his. Felix licked his lips.

His heart was thudding so fast, that balloon in his chest swelling and swelling.

Their lips connected.

It burst.

And Felix realized, distantly, that he had been right. Jisung did taste sweet. Felix knew in that moment that he would never bake anything that came close to it, and decided he was okay with that.

When Jisung pulled Felix into his lap, Felix’s thoughts stopped making sense. When Jisung’s hands found his waist, they stopped existing. And it was a relief.

And Felix let himself be held, be caressed. And when he slipped his tongue into Jisung’s mouth, he was delighted at how quickly it was reciprocated. He’d never felt anything like it.

In all the times he’d pictured their kiss, it had never been quite like this. It had been delicious, and hot, and sweet, and it was all those things – but it was also so easy. Relaxing.

When their lips parted again, they rested their foreheads against each other. Felix listened to Jisung’s heavy breathing and loved it – then opened his eyes to get another look at him.

Jisung was already looking back. His cheeks were flushed. His eyes were impossibly shiny.

“I’ve liked you for so long,” he breathed.

Felix kissed him again, then moved back, but still kept his legs in Jisung’s lap. Their hands intertwined again.

“I think I’ve liked you for a while too,” Felix told him. “I have a hard time with it sometimes. Distinguishing romantic from platonic love. But after the night of our party… I couldn’t really deny it anymore. Maybe it was the fear I’d felt when you were panicking that made it clear to me. I don’t know.”

“And here I was thinking I’d scared you off with that.” Jisung giggled. Actually giggled. The sound was music to Felix’s ears. Jisung stroked over the ring on Felix’s finger, then spoke again.

“You wanna know what the worst thing about panic attacks is?”

“Tell me,” Felix said, and squeezed his hand.

“The complete and utter loss of control. It feels like your body is something separate. At the same time all your senses are heightened, and it’s like you have no say in what happens to you. It’s terrifying. And the stupidest thing is that fighting it only makes it worse. And I know all this, right? That the best thing to do is to just give into it, even if it’s scary. But it’s so hard to do that.” Jisung paused for a moment, tightened his grip on Felix’s hand.

“That sounds awful,” Felix told him, tears rising in his eyes again.

“The way I felt about you kind of felt like that too. Like I was losing control. Giving it up, and handing it to you. It scared me.”

“I’m sorry I fumbled it,” Felix whispered sadly.

“Hush,” Jisung said, and brought Felix’s hand to his lips, kissing it gently. “You’re nothing like a panic attack, Lixie. You are my safety. I think… I want to give up my control to you.”

“I think that’s something we both need to learn how to do,” Felix said, and knew in that moment that he’d never let Jisung slip away from him or think he didn’t care again.

He leaned in and kissed him.

“It all seems so silly now, doesn’t it?” Felix said when they separated. “I can’t even explain it myself now. I’m so embarrassed about acting the way I did these past weeks.”

“I’m right there with you,” Jisung told him. “We just let our heads get in the way of things. It’s so stupid because I understand these things – I even know how to put them into lyrics. But it’s like as soon as it gets real, I can’t handle it. I feel like such a fraud sometimes.”

“Me too,” Felix muttered. “Let’s just agree to talk about things from now on.”

Jisung laughed sheepishly. “Deal.”

Felix realized, then, that the only time they hadn’t gotten in their own ways was when the other had been more important. When Jisung had been panicking. When Felix had been breaking down on the floor of the kitchen.

At its core, the way they cared for each other was stronger than everything.

He was so grateful they’d figured out how to reach it.

“Can we get up off the floor now?” Jisung whined, then. “My butt hurts.”

Felix laughed, and swatted him, and as they helped each other up Felix spoke again.

“You are my best friend, you know. But that’s not the only way I see you. Maybe I said it that day because I was afraid, but it was still true.”

“You’re mine too. And I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Jisungie. So much.”

“I’m here now.” Jisung smiled with his stupid, pretty pink lips that Felix loved. Felix stroked his cheek, then pulled him close and kissed him again. Now that he could, he wasn’t sure he’d ever stop doing it.

“The ring is beautiful, by the way,” Felix told him when they’d pulled apart, looking into each other’s eyes. “Thank you.”

There was no party on Jisung’s next birthday. Not a big one, anyway. Jisung and Felix celebrated with the rest of the members, and it was exactly what they wanted.

There were games, and silliness, and good food, and way too much noise – and everything about it was perfect.

It had been almost a year, and the rest of the group still wouldn’t shut up about how sickening Felix and Jisung were, and Felix quietly relished in it.

At 11 pm, he stepped out onto the balcony in between rounds of Mario Kart to take the obligatory birthday call from his family. When he’d hung up, he stood there a moment longer and breathed in some of the refreshing nighttime air. Chan came out after him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I love seeing you glow like this, Felix,” he said.

Felix turned to grin at him, then asked, “Why are you being so sappy?”

“Hush. I’m just glad you two are still so happy together. Both of you deserve it.”

“Thanks, Channie-hyung,” Felix said, and hugged him.

They went back inside and Felix settled back onto the couch against Jisung, letting himself be wrapped up in his arms as they watched Changbin’s Princess Peach lose miserably to Jeongin’s Bowser for the third time in a row.

Felix noticed that Jisung kept checking his phone.

When the clock ticked over to midnight, he understood.

“Happy birthday, baby,” Jisung whispered to him. Felix turned and kissed him, and a moment later they were being pelted with popcorn from all sides.

Seungmin came and sat on them. Hyunjin burst out laughing, then joined him. Somehow they all ended up in one enormous pile on the couch, and Felix couldn’t breathe, and he wondered if he’d ever been quite this happy.

Later that night, when everyone else had left and Felix returned from the bathroom, Jisung was already almost asleep in his bed, struggling to keep his eyes open.

Felix got in next to him and pressed kisses all over his face until Jisung was gasping and kicking him. They dissolved into giggles.

“I love you, Han Jisung,” Felix said once he’d caught his breath.

“I love you too, Yongbok,” Jisung breathed, and cuddled up against him.

Felix turned out the light, then slung his arm around Jisung.

His Jisung. Beautiful, emotional, vulnerable, wonderful.

The man that had written Get Lit. The man that had also written Secret Secret. The man that could put Felix’s head all in knots, and the man that could untangle it.

A best friend. A lover. A birthday twin. A perfect contradiction.

God, how Felix loved him.

So you get the lights and I’ll lock the doors

Let’s say all of the things that we couldn’t before

Won’t walk away, won’t roll my eyes

They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight

If this love is pain, then honey, let’s love tonight

[OneRepublic – Let’s Hurt Tonight]