Chapter Text
Jere woke up to the sound of his mail slot clanging. He had been rotting in his bed all day long like he had done most of the days ever since the break up. Not that he'd been particularly sad about it, it had been something inevitable. He was just so dead tired all the time. Like all the emotional baggade which had been piling up for years was all of a sudden weighing him down.
He considered for a moment he'd just let it be, not wanting to see all of the bills which were now solely on his responsibility. That was until he remembered he was waiting an important letter considering his rent. Jere sighed and plopped himself off from the bed, not bothering to put any clothes on. He slouched down the hallway wearing only his boxers.
Jere picked up a few letters from the floor, mostly just a bill after another. Suddenly he noticed a hand-written letter from Slovenia. He stared at it for a moment and his heart skipped a beat. It was no doubt Bojan's hand writing, he would've regognized it anywhere. Still, after not actually seeing it for years.
Jere's interactions with Bojan had decreased over time. They still sent a few messages here and there, mostly something funny and shallow. Jere didn't even remember when they'd had an actual conversation, not even during his break up. Bojan had offered to call but Jere really hadn't been in the mood to talk about it.
And now, out of the blue, there was a hand-written letter. Jere thought it must be something important, Bojan wouldn't otherwise bothered to go through so much effort. With a trembling hands he opened the envelope and found a piece of paper decorated with flowers.
"Dear Mr. Jere Pöyhönen, we warmly welcome you to the wedding ceremony of Mr. Bojan Cvjetićanin and Miss Zara Kovač, held on June 15th on-..."
Jere stopped reading in the middle of a sentence. He started from the beginning again cause he couldn't believe his eyes. Bojan, getting married? Sure, they weren't keeping contact that regularly anymore but they were still friends. Or that's what Jere had assumed. Bojan surely would've told him about something this important, right?
Jere slumped down on the couch, still holding the piece of paper in front of him like staring at it would've made it suddenly disappear. Sure, Jere had known about Bojan's girlfriend and seen pictures of her. He knew they had been together for over a year now. But a marriage? It had never even crossed his mind.
In fact, now that Jere was single again and things had slowed down in both of their lives Jere had started to reconsider the possibility of the two of them finally getting together. It had seemed impossible all those years ago, despite the feelings they both had for each other.
Turning Bojan down had been the hardest thing Jere had ever done in his life. During Nordic Tour everything had been so carefree and joyful, the sparks flying between them visible for everyone to see. And afterwards Bojan had finally asked if they had a chanche. Jere had never forgotten Bojan's hopeful expression and how it fell down when Jere had told him it wasn't possible.
Jere had said he needed some stability in his life, someone who waited him at home after gigs. That he couldn't live in a relationship where they would have to spend months apart from each other. Saying that had absolutely crushed him, he had spent weeks aching in despair.
But over time things had smoothed down. And they hadn't given up on their friendship. Bojan also had never brought the subject up again. Jere had seen the sadness behind his eyes even when he was his joyful self. Neither of them just hadn't wanted to talk about the painful topics on the rare occasions they had a possibility to see each other.
So they'd just carried on like nothing had happened. That was until they'd went on a vacation together in Cyprus. One night after way too many tequila shots Bojan had slurred something like "I love you, Jere. Why can't we be together?". Jere had just assumed it was the booze talking and had helped Bojan get into the bed where he'd passed out immediately. In the morning Bojan had been like nothing was out of the ordinary and Jere figured he might've been too drunk to remember.
They had the next vacation planned at February in Finland. Bojan had been beaming of excitement. Jere had promised to take Bojan on a proper Finnish holiday in Lapland, finally. But at the last minute a work opportunity he couldn't refuse had come up and he had to cancel the plans. Or re-arrange them as he had promised for Bojan. But the right time never came, Jere being a total workaholic.
Jere had noticed Bojan getting more distant after their cancelled plans. Not that Bojan had really shown or told about his disappointment but Jere could sense that. The messages and calls had been getting more and more rare occasions. They had messaged more again when Joker Out's visit in Finland came closer in August. Jere had promised to take the boys to a summer cabin after the gigs but Bojan had seemed hesitant. Which had been understandable after what had happened in February.
Jere had been watching the gig in Turku from the backstage, feeling so proud of Bojan and the rest of the band. He hadn't followed them in Mikkeli the next day, having his own gig in Espoo on Sunday. Besides, the band had been planning to stay in Finland for a couple of days afterwards anyway. If Jere had only known it was the last gig Joker Out ever played in Finland he would've chosen otherwise.
The call had come unexpectedly, a couple of months after the Finnish gigs and not a very successfull attempt of a Balkan tour. Bojan had been crying on the phone which was very unusual of him. Jere had gotten scared something was terribly wrong. And it kind of was. Joker Out had split up as a band. They hadn't wanted the same things anymore from their career and had decided it's for the best before their friendship would've also gotten ruined.
Bojan had sounded devastated and Jere hadn't really known how to comfort him. The call had been quite awkward, Jere just repeating how sorry he was. And he really was, that hadn't been the problem. It had felt like Bojan had waited him of saying something more, something he couldn't say in that moment. It had felt like a stab in the heart to leave Bojan in a state like that.
Jere had messages frequently after the incident, worried sick for Bojan's state of mind. But Bojan had only reassured him things were getting better which Jere had hard time of believing. Jere had planned another getaway holiday for just the two of them. He had swept all the work things off from his calendar just to make time for Bojan. And make up the earlier disappointments.
But already at the beginning of the holiday Jere had noticed something was off. Bojan hadn't been his cheerful self, quite far from it. Jere had tried to ask if it was about the band but Bojan hadn't wanted to talk about it. Jere had suggested they'd go to bar and sing karaoke they both loved so much. Bojan had refused and told him he wasn't going to drink on this vacation. He had been just mostly focused in his books, all serious.
Jere had tried all the tricks he could think of to cheer Bojan up. He had even thrown him at the pool with a bad success. Bojan had only gotten mad at him. They'd had a shared bed but Bojan hadn't cuddled up in Jere's side like he did in Cyprus. He'd been careful not to touch Jere outside of the mandatory hugs. Bojan had been acting like a different person and Jere hadn't understood anything.
Their interactions had turned even more infrequent after the holiday. Which Jere had hard time of swallowing since he knew Bojan had nothing but time now. His own career had been busy enough and he'd tried to focus on his work. That's what had always helped him to take his mind out from things. And he'd been mostly successfull until a message popped on his inbox out of the blue.
Bojan had wanted to introduce Jere his girlfriend, Zara. Which had caught Jere up guard since he hadn't known Bojan even seeing anyone. On the other hand, Bojan had mostly kept his private matters on himself recently. He hadn't shared everything with Jere like he used to do. Jere hadn't known how to feel about the news.
He'd wanted to be happy for Bojan and of course he'd told him he was, wanting to be a supportive friend. But somewhere deep inside he had felt a pang of jealousy. Which he'd known he had no right to feel, being also in a relationship himself. This was the life he'd chosen. And yet he'd recently started feeling empty inside. Bojan's behavior towards him had woken up something inside him, something he'd though was already long gone.
The feeling had intensified over time. It hadn't been helping at all that Bojan had been sending pictures of the happy couple from time to time. Jere had recently just been arguing with his own girlfriend, both of them snapping out to each other over the smallest things. Until things had snapped out for good. The relationship had come to an end.
Jere had sent Bojan a simple message, trying to convince him it was for the best. Which had been kind of true. Jere had been mostly relieved, there was no point of sharing your life with a person he had no future with. After the break up Jere's thoughts had been lingering towards Bojan more often than he was willing to admit.
He had really missed that special bond they shared, how carefree they'd once been together. He'd been longing to have all that back, even as friends. And who knows, maybe even something more. He'd spent many lonely nights staring at the ceiling, hugging at his pillow wishing it was Bojan instead.
That's what had lead up to this moment which was like a slap against his face. Jere felt all his dreams crumbling in his hands alongside with that cursed paper. The pent up anger kept surfacing from somewhere deep inside him. He wanted some answers and he wanted them now. He dialed Bojan's number.
"Hey, Jere! Did you got the invitation?"
Bojan sounded so cheerful it made Jere want to throw up.
"I did. So, when did you decide to get married? You haven't told me anything."
Jere knew he sounded a bit too accusatory but couldn't help himself.
"Oh, we decided to keep it as a surprise. We didn't tell anyone until we sent the invitations, not even our families."
Hearing that made Jere's anger to fade away. It wasn't anything personal against him after all.
"Really? How did they take it?"
"Well, they were shocked at first. But now they're happy for us. How about you?"
Jere tried to steady his breath before answering.
"I'm really happy for you as well."
"Great! So that means you're coming to the wedding?"
Jere hadn't thought things that far yet. He was trying to think of a proper answer.
"Yes, of course. Already looking for a suit."
"I'm glad to hear that. We'll see you there."
"Yeah, see you."
Jere hung up the call and put the phone back on the table. He knew he was so screwed.
---
Ljubljana, 3 months later
Jere looked around at the wedding reception. Honestly he didn't know how he'd made it through the actual ceremony alive. When he was trying to remember the details from the church everything was just a big haze. It was like his mind was actively trying to block out Bojan saying "I do" to someone else. But he couldn't just skip the most important day in Bojan's life, he would've been an absolutely shitty friend for doing that.
So all he could do was trying to cope and scream internally. Jere touched one of the flower bouquets scattered around the venue and too late he realized the thorns of a rose had stung his fingers. He cursed under his breath and realized he wasn't in a right mind set for any of this. He grabbed a glass of champagne and was about to drink it on one go. That was until he realized he might slip out too much truths out from his mouth if he got too wasted. He placed the glass back on the table and felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Bojan who grabbed Jere in an embrace, looking absolutely glowing.
"I'm so glad you could make it, wouldn't have been the same without you."
Jere wanted to grab Bojan's shoulders and shake him. Instead he just smiled politely.
"Wouldn't have missed it for the world."
"It means so much for me, thank you."
Jere just patted Bojan on the back and forced a smile on his face.
"So how does it feel, being married?"
"Oh, it's wonderful! It's weird to call myself a husband."
A husband. Jere felt the sudden urge to bang his head against the wall.
"So, you're happy?"
"Yeah, of course I am. Now excuse me, my wife is waiting for me. But I'll catch up with you later."
Jere was left there, staring after Bojan like an idiot. He wished the Earth would've swallowed him. The whole night felt like an endless nightmare. He could see the moments from the past flashing in front of his eyes. If he only would've chosen differently. But no, this was the reality now and he had to settle for it. He didn't know the worst was yet to come.
All of a sudden he heard a familiar tune starting to play. Yes, it was the cursed "My heart will go on". And what was even worse he saw Bojan approaching him. Bojan reached his arm towards Jere.
"May I have this dance?"
Jere felt the instant need to run. Instead he just nodded and grabbed Bojan's hand. What an irony this was. The song that had brought them together in Liverpool was now playing at Bojan's wedding. Jere felt his eyes getting wet and he tried to hide it. But Bojan noticed, of course he did.
"Oh, I didn't know you where the type of guy who'd cry at a wedding."
The light hearted joke stung painfully in Jere's chest.
"Uh, neither did I. Everything's just so... Beautiful."
Jere lied and hid his face against Bojan's shoulder. They swayed along the music and Jere felt like drowning. The song ended and Bojan let go of him, smiling.
"Thanks for the dance, bro."
Jere just nodded and ran into the toilet. He locked the door behind him and let the tears run down freely. This time there was no one looking after him, no one offering him a shoulder he could cry on. He was all alone. He swept the tears off from his face, inhaled deeply and exited the toilet. He gave one last, wistful look towards the happy newlyweds before leaving the venue and disappearing into to the night.