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You see, JJ grew up with bottles strewn around the house. And with them came the stench of alcohol. Sometimes, he’d even find a few white pills scattered around the living room floor.
His dad loved the bottles most. He’d drink every day and every night. At first, he’d only take a beer or two in the evening after work. But after the third time that his dad had lost his job, he’d also have a few drinks during the day.
JJ felt so proud whenever he brought a smile to his daddy’s face, after he had fetched him a beer without being asked.
JJ’s mom, a beautiful woman with long brown hair and ocean blue eyes, liked the pills most. She loved them so, so much that, the one time curiosity won over and JJ grabbed them, she got super mad and angry with him.
JJ wondered if she did not want to share the pills with him because she loved them more than she loved him. JJ had asked her about it then — she smiled sadly at him and told him about feeling… empty inside, sometimes. Like something was missing.
It made JJ incredibly sad for his mom. But his momma also promised him that he was the most important thing in her world, no matter what happened. He thought that would be enough.
One day, when JJ was only six years old, his momma had taken too many pills at once.
She must’ve gotten everything she yearned for then because that was the last day JJ would ever see his mom, for the rest of his life. Suddenly, she was just… gone.
He missed her dearly, but probably not as much as his daddy. Because when his momma left them, his dad started taking those pills, too. He had never done that before.
JJ was sure he did it because the pills reminded him of her.
So, the young boy decided to be strong for his daddy and to love him even more than before. Maybe then, his dad wouldn’t even notice that someone in their lives was missing.
And sometimes loving his dad meant getting yelled at or getting hit. But that was fine with JJ. He knew he had to be strong for both of them. And his daddy always felt bad after, which usually meant that he got to go fishing with him or even go surfing.
For six years, his daddy had protected him. Now it was JJ’s turn to protect him.
So really, it was fine.
However, soon, JJ would grow up and view things a bit differently. He’d become friends with John B and meet his dad, Big John.
Big John had also lost his wife, but when JJ had asked him if he used pills to remember her as well, Big John reacted super weirdly and asked many questions about his ‘home life’.
And JJ thought that maybe not everyone dealt with stuff the way his daddy did.
And then he met Pope, a scrawny boy who was smaller than even JJ himself. He’d get picked on by some Kooks who were two years older than them. And sometimes, JJ had to save him. Because, apparently, Pope lacked the experience to take a hit the way JJ did.
After helping Pope out a few times, they’d become friends. It was a natural thing that they didn’t have to talk about — it just sort of… happened. One day during lunch, Pope came up to JJ with a lunch box full of self-made chocolate-chip cookies and shared them with him.
JJ was so grateful because his daddy had forgotten to buy food again, and JJ hadn’t had anything to eat for almost two days.
After that, Pope and JJ were officially friends.
The first time JJ visited the Heywards, he was terrified of Pope’s dad. Suddenly it all made sense to JJ.
Pope was so afraid of the bullies because his dad was this big, strong man who must’ve hit Pope a lot harder than JJ’s dad would hit him.
And yet, after almost ten years of friendship (in which Luke was high off his ass more days than not, his simple hits had turned into beatings and the fridge was JJ’s to fill), JJ had never witnessed Heyward lift a hand against his son.
And suddenly JJ clocked it. Shit , he clocked it immediately when, during Midsummers, Pope looked at the bruises on his face with so much sadness in his eyes, that JJ’s lies suddenly faltered.
Deny, deny, deny. That shit had been engraved in his brain ever since his mom chose the fucking pills over him — right away, he understood what he needed to do.
But he’d never really understood it, had he?
Because this? His shitty excuse of a mom, his even shittier excuse of a dad. He wasn’t supposed to go through that, was he?
Big John had regarded him with worry; Pope regarded him with sadness. The whole fucking town used to look at him with pity before he got older and, inevitably, turned into the same old ‘good for nothing’ Maybank trash.
And fuck, the truth had always been right there, hadn’t it? It was right there, and everyone had seen it.
Only he hadn’t.
All this time, JJ told himself he was protecting his dad. But, in the end, he had been protecting himself. From the truth, the reality…whatever you may want to call it.
But suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore. The truth was out in the fucking light. It stared right at JJ, and he stared right back.
This shit didn’t happen to anyone. It didn’t happen to the Kooks he fought; it didn’t happen to John B. And it definitely didn’t happen to Pope. Because his friends, most people in Kildare, really — they were good.
The only one to blame here was JJ.
JJ was a lot of things. Reckless, erratic, a liability, the loose cannon of the Pogues, a piece of shit. Useless.
Good , was not one of them.
His mom didn’t love him. She probably never had. His dad didn’t love him. He probably never would.
The Pogues would be better off without him.
Fuck.
JJ didn’t know if he could deny, deny, deny himself out of this one.
The worst thing of all, though, was that JJ was a bad friend, as well. He knew he was causing his friends more trouble than he was worth, and yet…he couldn’t let go of them.
He needed them.
So, JJ swallowed and looked Pope straight in the eyes. JJ knew he couldn’t escape fate. He knew he’d end up in jail if he didn’t succumb to drugs or his dad’s fists first.
But he sure as hell would try his best to provide the best possible futures for his friends.
They would find that gold, together. And JJ would make sure that his friends make it out alive. He’d swear on it.