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Riwoo had imagined the situation in his mind before. Multiple times. The most recent one was just yesterday when he was laying in bed in the blue glow of his smartphone and playing with the hem of his pyjama shirt.
He'd imagined that Leehan would wrap his arms around him, kiss him and tell him it's alright and that he would love him no matter what. On other days he'd imagined him calling him a freak and leaving.
As far as Riwoo knew Leehan was straight. He was into women. Riwoo just wasn't one anymore, well, he never was a woman but he just didn't acknowledge that until recently, and he had no idea how Leehan would react.
Maybe he was homophobic – a bigot who couldn't accept that his girlfriend was actually his boyfriend, a guy. Maybe he’d be disgusted and lash out at Riwoo for destroying their perfectly fine relationship with his nonsense. Deep down Riwoo did know that the real Leehan could never be so cruel. But his nightmares rarely replicated reality.
Riwoo heard the door to his room open a few seconds after hearing a knock. The white light from the hall overtook the orange glow around him for just a moment. He had been itching his chest, trying to peel off the discomfort to feel at least a little better about himself. He quickly let his hands fall to his lap as he was sitting cross-legged on the bed. Under the sweatshirt there were scratch marks, some older than the others.
Leehan’s charming figure came to view from behind Riwoo’s door that let out an uncomfortable screech when opened. The sound repeated as it closed, leaving the bedside lamp and the rainy dawn behind the window the only sources of light. Riwoo cringed at the sound and didn't object when Leehan came in to practically fall into his embrace. Riwoo’s mind was still elsewhere, and Leehan could tell. He always could.
Leehan buried his head onto Riwoo’s neck, breathing in his scent for a moment. His hair shimmered, the orange light dancing along his highlights. Riwoo closed his eyes and pushed his head against Leehan’s.
“What’s my baby thinking of?” Leehan’s voice was delicate and dreamy, like always. He mumbled against Riwoo’s skin and Riwoo felt his breath grace his neck. He pouted and opened his eyes.
“Nothing.” Riwoo answered. He wrapped his arms around Leehan’s firm form and turned his head to the side. Other than a small unbelieving hum, Leehan kept quiet. Riwoo spoke again after a moment. “You.”
It didn't sound convincing, Riwoo knew Leehan noticed. He didn't care to elaborate.
Leehan leaned his hand against Riwoo’s shoulder and gently pushed himself up to face him. In the corner of Riwoo's vision, the orange light framed Leehan’s face from one side. The shadows were long. Riwoo's eyes stayed fixed on the darkness of a floor behind Leehan’s head.
“Is it so?” It was Leehan’s way of asking if he should drop it or if Riwoo wanted to talk. Leehan’s soft eyes were on him, unjudging and gentle.
The quiet stretched out almost two minutes. Riwoo’s gaze gradually moved to meet Leehan's eyes still on him, patient. He blinked. Maybe everything would be fine, nothing would have to change.
It’s not like Riwoo had much of a choice. He knew he had to tell Leehan. He couldn't lie to him, not about something so stupidly huge. But even more, he couldn't lie to himself.
“Something’s on your mind.” Leehan said it so softly Riwoo almost wanted to puke. He said it like it was an observation, a normal thing. Only if the thing in Riwoo's mind was normal at all.
Leehan’s fingers found Riwoo's, toying with them gently. Riwoo could feel the golden rings Leehan loved to wear as a cold sensation against his skin. Leehan could likely sense the nervousness from Riwoo and it was like he wanted to suck all of it out of him and replace it with pure, unaltered comfort.
Leehan was way too lovable for Riwoo's good.
“There’s something you probably should know…” Riwoo’s words were quiet and they haltered towards the end. Yet Leehan listened. Tears were forming onto the corners of Riwoo's eyes, but Leehan was there to wipe them before they could even fall.
A gentle hum filled the air. It was typical of Leehan. He knew it calmed Riwoo, just hearing his voice. Leehan knew Riwoo appreciated it even if he didn't say it out loud.
“It’s- I’m… gosh,” his tongue tangled. The first tear fell. Leehan’s finger swiped along the wet trail it left on Riwoo’s cheek.
Why was it so hard to say out loud? Riwoo had gone over it countless times in his mind. He had talked about it in his online therapy sessions every week. Leehan made him nervous – so nervous – but also comforted him so deeply it pushed him to open up. It would be unfair not to.
A deep breath. Another one.
“I’m not… a woman”
There was no major reaction. Leehan didn't tense, he didn't jump nor did he let go of Riwoo's hand.
Leehan's voice was perfectly mellow. There was no hidden intonation. No judgement. Just Leehan’s unadulterated serene sound. “…How long have you known?”
Riwoo could hear his own heartbeat. It brought him back to the moment. “It’s been a while.”
Leehan raised Riwoo’s face by his chin. The look in his eyes was seeking. “Why only now?” Leehan was asking why Riwoo didn't tell him earlier. Riwoo didn't really know how to answer that.
It's been like that ever since he was a child. But he drowned the feeling of difference. He suffocated all of the thoughts he got about possibly not being what everyone thought he was. It helped then. Until it became impossible.
“I was a kid back then,” Riwoo started. This one he had not practiced. He didn't think he would ever talk about it. But here he was, because of Leehan, the love of his life.
Riwoo closed his eyes. He was telling him.
“I pushed it away because I didn't think I could live normally if I let it out.”
Riwoo didn't even notice the tears on his own cheeks. Leehan soothed them off. Riwoo thought he was numb to it, feeling like he was a failure. It had been like that. He was used to it.
Leehan hugged him. “Introduce yourself,” he said, and on top of all his running emotions Riwoo felt confusion. “As a man.”
More tears. It wasn't even the first time. His therapist calls him a man. His internet acquaintances call him a man. Maybe Leehan was his weakness.
“I am Riwoo and I am a man.”
His voice was broken, but it felt so freeing. It felt so right.
Leehan's fingertips traced patterns on Riwoo's back and his head nestled ever so closer to Riwoo’s space – as if they were one.
“You are so brave, my Riwoo.”
And suddenly, Riwoo wasn't the only one crying. Truthfully, he was sobbing, but a tear of Leehan’s fell along his shoulder and dampened the fabric. As if a weight was lifted off him, Riwoo felt like a feather.
Unlike ever before, Riwoo felt so free. With Leehan by his side, just like this, he felt he could be anything.
“I am so proud of you, and I love you,” Leehan separated from Riwoo just enough to lock eyes. Riwoo’s tears didn't stop flowing even when Leehan smiled at him as if everything was normal, as if an earthquake wasn't shaking Riwoo’s whole being inside his head.
“Nothing is changing?” Riwoo made a statement in the form of a question. Leehan rested his forehead on Riwoo's.
Tender, Leehan shook his head. “Nothing needs to change.”
Riwoo’s eyes spoke for him. Are you sure?
“Love, your authenticity will never be a burden to me.” I would never leave you and we both know it.
“You like women”
“I like you. If you're not a woman then I like non-women too.”
Riwoo was a melting candle, basking in the red burn Leehan's words gave him. Maybe it would be just fine. Maybe nothing would change. Maybe, just maybe, Riwoo could finally start living.