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Elsa reached out and grabbed her headphones. She needed to block out the sounds in her head with something else. She knew the song. She repeated the lyrics in her mind as the earlier conversation ended.
She knew that come morning, the last 3 years would have been a faint memory and replaced by a new feeling of acceptance. Acceptance of everything that she had known until now will come to an end.
Her hand trailed along the wall as she walked slowly down the hallway. Framed images full of memories. Full of emotions. Happiness, love, humor, and even a little sadness. These memories frozen and the feelings held tightly in its little frame.
Elsa felt her chest tighten and a soft pained chuckle escaped her mouth. She didn’t even know what emotions she felt anymore. The emotional whiplash over the years had finally reached its peak and Elsa had finally accepted it. There wasn’t any room for her anymore.
She made her way into the living room and pulled a blanket around herself. With a sigh she curled up and closed her eyes. She needed to release this feeling somehow. She knew she couldn’t cry anymore but still hoped that just one tear would fall. Something to prove she is still alive. Something to prove that she still had feelings for the love she had lost.
“I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Elsa could hear the ghost of her past shouting and grilling her. She had made herself small on that couch yet she still felt it wasn’t enough.
Voices filling her mind leaving her feeling as useless and weak as the first time they were ever said. She could feel the slam on her cheek from the first time she stood up to them. The way they made her cry alone. Made her hate herself. Made her lose sense of self and what love was.
“Something to cry about..” Elsa muttered softly. She laid there listening to song after song. Note after note trying to relax her mind but it was too late and she sat up. Her mind, a mess after years of abuse from childhood, had found her weak again. Vulnerable. And now all alone. Nobody was there to help her. To comfort her. To love her.
“Something to cry about Elsa..” she sat up and leaned over the couch to open the drawer of the side table. It was filled with random items but she knew what she needed. In the back of the drawer a craft knife sat. She had almost forgotten that she had it there but like a moth to a flame she found it.
Those around her as a child always scolded her for having emotions. She was too loud. She cried too much. Elsa didn’t fit the mold of what others wanted for her and because of that she grew up hurt and broken by the people who should have loved her.
Elsa took the blade in her hand and quietly thought of what she wanted to do. She needed the relief. She just needed… something to cry about.
———
Emotional pain is real. It’s valid. You do not need to bleed to be allowed to cry for your emotions.