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It was a fleeting encounter at a shabby bar not known for inhabiting men of their age.
Spencer felt the presence of broad shoulders and a woody cologne sit next to him on the barstool, he kept his eyes down on his drink that had barely been sipped.
The bitterness of whisky couldn't compare to that cold rushing feeling in his veins.
"Rough night?" The voice from his right spoke, a twinge of an accent curling around the words that sent a shiver down Spencer's spine. He peeked over at the man, slightly tanned, dark hair, the kindest eyes he'd ever seen.
"Rough few months." Spencer uttered out, finally giving in and taking a larger swig of his drink, recoiling at the burn. Three months ago he was held in that shed by Tobias Hankel, four months ago he was just getting comfortable in his dream job.
"I'm Luke, you?" A deep voice, but somehow soft enough to rip through the chords of Spencer's chest just a bit. He downed the rest of his drink as Luke ordered one for himself and then looked back at the man.
"Spencer." uttered and so, so hollow.
Luke only stuck around for another hour, long enough to ask him if he was okay. Spencer shrugged and downed another drink (needed for the confidence to contact his dealer) and watched the man- Luke- leave.
Kind, but not enough.
--
Derek leaving the BAU wasn't supposed to happen. Spencer was adamant the man would stay there, with him, for as long as they both survived. But that wasn't logical in any way, the man had a family now, he was doing what was right- lead by the example of Gideon's estranged relationship with his son, and Haley's death, and every family member they have to give their condolences to.
Still, Spencer couldn't help but feel abandoned, yet again, and he found that the longer that jet seat stayed unoccupied, the rougher the cravings got.
But then came waltzing in a man, Tall and tanned so familiar that it hurt. Spencer was supposed to be the one that remembered but he found himself at a loss, his mind not being as sharp as it used to, dulled by old drug binges and grief of losing someone so special.
He was introduced as Luke Alvez and it was on the tip of Spencer's tongue.
It was the night out with the team that finally knocked his memories back into him, they had crowded into a bar, welcoming the newbie as Garcia had dubbed him, and Luke had ordered a whisky- and one for Spencer too. A knowing glint in his eye, a subtle smirk as if to say 'remember me?'
"Since when have you been a whisky guy Reid?" Emily had huffed in amusement but Spencer just shrugged his shoulders- much like had when Luke asked him if he was okay all those years ago- and took a sip of his drink, more used to the burn now than he was then.
At some point in the night he had found himself outside, swallowing in air as fast as his lungs allowed when someone stepped out behind him.
"Hey, been a while." Spencer turned to face Luke, the man was wearing that smirk again that made Spencer's chest hurt because why did he have to be so beautiful, even now?
"Yeah...I'm surprised you remember."
"I almost didn't. Your hair is a lot crazier now" Luke chuckled and the sound reverberated in Spencer's head, a pink rising to his cheeks that he'd definitely blame on the alcohol.
Spencer huffed and nodded in response, awkwardly shuffling his feet as he felt Luke observing him. "You know," Luke started, a certain drawl to his voice. "After i met you in that bar, I couldn't get you out of my head."
Spencer looked at him, surprise painting his features, a pit settling in his stomach.
"Oh...how come?"
"I don't know, you just...looked so sad. It was hard to shake." Spencer wanted to laugh it off, playfully nudge his shoulder and quip that it was years ago, that there was no need to worry about him. He couldn't, however, as he stood, staring back at Luke and trying to swallow down the lump in his throat.
"Yeah. I was- it was, I had a lot going on. It's fine though." Things got a lot worse, but of course he didn't say that.
Luke looked him up and down again and Spencer felt as though his soul was being bared naked for the man.
"I know we don't actually know each other but- if you want to talk I'm all ears. I hear you're quite the talker anyway." And goddamn Luke Alvez and his perfect words. Spencer wouldn't even know where to start though, oh yeah, i was actively in the throws of a drug addiction after being kidnapped and beaten for two days before i killed the guy when you approached me, but oh well, perks of the job! That wasn't happening.
"Oh, thanks. Yeah, you too." stumbled out of his mouth instead as he kicked up tufts of dirt with his beat-up chucks.
Luke nodded back at him in appreciation then uttered something about getting back into the warm and seeing him inside. No you won't, Spencer thought to himself as he watched the door close behind Luke and he turned around to start his walk back home.
Luke Alvez and his kind smiles and open ears was a beast that Spencer was not ready to face right now.
--
They fell into an easy rhythm, working together well. Spencer found that he didn't mind Luke's presence and Luke stayed true to his word, every time Spencer opened his mouth and a mess of rambles and statistics came out, Luke always listened intently.
Spencer would wait with baited breath to hear the familiar sound of someone telling him to stop talking, get back on track, but it never came. Luke always let him talk and he always reciprocated in some twisted amazement, questions and follow-ups rolling from the man's tongue just as easily.
Every time Spencer chimed in with a 'You know, It's interesting because-' or 'Well actually-' or some other version of that, his hands coming up to animatedly accompany his rambles, Luke was the first one to look at him, nod along, smile that smile that took Spencer's breath away.
It was a hard pill to swallow, knowing that his heart was starting to latch on to Luke.
Yet, when Luke invited him over for a drink with the promise of Spencer meeting Roxy- his dog- Spencer couldn't find it in himself to decline.
He was greeted at the door with a wide smile just before a big ball of fur pounced it's way to him, Spencer jumped slightly, still not fully comfortable around animals. Luke shooed Roxy away and led Spencer further in to the apartment, offering him a coffee.
"You already know the answer to that." Spencer quipped and Luke chuckled, turning to make the coffee.
"You got that right. Your body is a temple you know." Spencer shrugged- because that seemed to be the only thing he could do in his life- and settled himself on the living room couch. Roxy pawed at his pant leg, urging Spencer to scratch behind her ears as he watched Luke saunter towards the couch with two mugs.
"So," Spencer started, trying not to sound so tense, his voice waivered anyway. "How have you been?" He scratched at his inner elbow, a nervous tic he never was quite able to rid himself of.
Luke's eyes latched onto the movement for a moment before finding their way back up to the doctor's flushed face. "Yeah I'm good, thanks. How's the coffee? up to your standards?"
"Hm? oh! oh yeah it's great, really good- thank you." Spencer felt heat rise to his cheeks as Luke beamed at him and the former thought that such a smile should be illegal.
Maybe he really was in love with Luke, maybe he just wanted to be wanted.
"I'm glad. Is it better than whisky?" A subtle hint to the moment they shared all those years ago, and just a couple months before.
Spencer felt something get caught in his throat, something akin to emotion.
"You...You said you couldn't shake that I..." He trailed off, not quite wanting to admit how sad he really had been that night. "What did you mean by that?" Luke seemed caught off guard by the question as he leaned back against the couch slightly- away from him -and placed down his mug.
"Well I...to be honest, i originally approached you because I thought you were cute." Spencer felt his heart rate increase at that. "But then I was next to you and...I don't know- you just- you had this look in your eyes. And your hands were shaking, I remember that."
Maybe his soul had been bared naked to Luke for a lot longer than he thought.
"Oh..." Because what else could he say to that?
"I'm sorry if i overstepped, I'd just never seen that kind of look in someone's eyes before." If only Luke knew that look had been caused by the need for his next hit, the need to shed his skin and bare his sins to the God that Tobias was so tortured by. That Spencer too was tortured by.
"No it's...It's okay. I guess you're right. I'd had a particularly bad case, it affected me for a while, more than i thought it would I guess." Spencer's thoughts wandered back to the start of Luke's explanation. "Wait, you- you thought I was...cute?"
Luke sputtered for a moment, his cheeks taking their turn in heating up now. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. "Uh, well yeah. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. If things didn't seem so messed up for you, i would've probably...hit on you, or something."
"Oh...well, that would've...been okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, well I found you attractive. It wouldn't have been the right time though, you're right, things were pretty messed up."
"Well what about now?
"What?"
"Is now the right time?"
And Spencer didn't quite know what to say to that. He wanted to say that yes, yes it is the right time and kiss that stupid beautiful mouth but he was never quite that confident. He locked eyes with Luke, hoping to get his message across.
And as Luke had proven before, he was always going to intently listen as he shuffled his way closer to Spencer, a cautious hand coming up to cradle the genius' jaw.
"This okay cariño?"
Spencer could only nod dumbly, eyes wide and pleading.
Luke slowly moved in, giving Spencer plenty of time to change his mind but knowing that he wouldn't, before connecting their lips. It was soft and Spencer melted into it, his hand hooking around the collar of Luke's shirt to pull him closer.
The kiss lasted no more than thirty seconds before they were pulling away, Spencer using his grip on Luke's shirt to pull the man back in, the kiss being deeper this time, teeth clashing as if to say bite down, bite down on the pain I hold and rip it out. Taste it. And Luke would oblige eagerly.
What does my pain taste like?
Like whisky shared in a bar years before.