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Eddie sits across from Chris at Rosco’s Burger Inn, sipping his coke. Chris watches him back, stuffing fries in his mouth two at a time.
This has become a sort of ritual. Family counseling on Tuesdays after school, then a bite to eat at Rosco’s before Eddie takes him back to his parents. Today is different, though. Today they’ve had a breakthrough.
Apparently, honesty and transparency are pillars they both need to work on. It was a lot of stopping and starting at first but, eventually, the therapist had asked Eddie how he felt about El Paso.
“It… it’s hard for me to be here,” he admitted. It felt a bit like he was choking on the words but he forced each of them out. “Of course, I don’t regret my choice. I miss LA and the 118 and… well, I just miss it. But it’s what’s best for-”
“You never even asked me what I want!”
The outburst was unexpected, considering Chris usually only spoke during therapy when asked a direct question. It also, unfortunately, came in the last five minutes of their session, which means they have to wait a week to unpack it with Dr. Williams.
She’d left them with some parting words of wisdom.
“The two of you have made a lot of progress. I believe you’re both ready to navigate this kind of conversation on your own. I encourage you to elaborate more on what Chris is trying to communicate and we can discuss how it went in our next session.”
So, now they’re here, eating burgers and staring at each other because neither of them is sure how to start. But Eddie is the parent so it’s his job to figure it out, not Christopher’s.
“You want to elaborate on what you said at therapy?” Eddie asks.
Chris chews thoughtfully. “Not really.”
Eddie narrows his eyes and swallows half a dozen curses before he’s ready to speak. “Can you try to do it anyway?”
Chris, of course, takes his time slurping on his soda and pushing fries around his plate. He unearths one of the tiny, extra-crispy pieces with a triumphant noise and eats it with little hums of pleasure. It’s such a Buck thing to do that it leaves Eddie nearly breathless.
At last, Chris says, “I only asked to come to El Paso because I thought you wouldn’t let me go,” Chris says, still digging through his fries. “But you did let me. And then you never asked me to come back. And now you’re here and both of us are miserable instead of just me.”
“I’m not miserable,” Eddie deflects immediately. It’s like a reflex; he doesn’t remember making the conscious choice to say it.
Chris pins him with an unimpressed look. “Sure,” he says, rolling his eyes. “And I have red hair.”
Eddie closes his eyes and counts to ten. This is normal behavior for teenagers. It’s not personal. Instead of jumping down Chris’ throat about being disrespectful, Eddie takes a moment to consider what Chris is trying to say.
Now you’re here and both of us are miserable.
I only asked to come to El Paso because I thought you wouldn’t let me go.
You never even asked me what I want!
It seems too good to be true… and maybe it is. The whole problem in the first place is that Eddie has done a whole lot of assuming. He’ll be damned if he makes the same mistake again .
“Okay… you said I never asked you what you wanted, so this is me asking.” He waits until Christopher makes eye contact and then adds, “What do you want, Chris?”
Chris’ expression is pensive as he considers his answer. He sighs and looks away, folding his arms over his chest and slumping in his seat.
“I wanted you to tell me to come home. I wanted you to call me more. I wanted you to come get me and take me home. I didn’t want you to move here.”
The ball of lead that’s been living in the pit of Eddie’s stomach since Christopher left crawls up his esophagus to lodge in his throat. It takes several long seconds—almost a full minute—for him to so much as breathe around the lump, let alone speak around it.
“I think…” he says, voice hoarse and shaky, “that I’ve been a little bit of an ass.”
Christopher’s head whips in his direction, eyes wide. When the initial shock wears off a second later, he dissolves into a fit of helpless giggles.
“Yeah, you kind of have,” he agrees.
Eddie tries not to take it personally. He reaches across the table, holding his hand out, and is gratified when Chris takes it.
“I want you to know… I was miserable in LA without you. I don’t regret coming here to be with you, but I do regret not talking to you about it first. I should have talked to you more from the start and I’m sorry that I didn’t.”
Chris pats Eddie’s hand with his free one and smiles. “I forgive you,” he says.
Eddie is going to cry. He’s going to sob like a little baby in the middle of this restaurant. Clearing his throat, he offers Chris a tense smile in return and withdraws his hand so he doesn’t embarrass them both. He has to eat three French fries before he no longer feels in danger of crying.
“You are miserable here too, though,” Chris continues.
Eddie chokes. “What? No, I-”
“No more lying,” Chris reminds him, pointing with one of his fries. “You miss being a firefighter and you miss the 118 and you miss Buck. You never shut up about them.”
Well, he’s right. No more lying. Sighing, Eddie stirs his straw in his soda so he has something to look at other than his son.
“Maybe,” he admits. “But I’d rather be with you than anywhere else.”
Chris’ next eye roll reminds him of Shannon. “So, let’s just go back. I miss them too, ya know. Especially Buck and all my friends.”
“You have friends here too,” he points out.
“Barely,” Chris says with a snort.
It can’t be this easy. It cannot have been this easy the whole time… Eddie is so, so stupid.
“Listen, bud, that’s a big decision. We can’t just pack up and move tomorrow. There’s the house and your grandparents and school… There’s just a lot to think about first.”
Chris huffs, glaring out the window, fries forgotten. He radiates moody, teenage disappointment. This look reminds him of the one he often sees in the mirror.
“Hey, I’m not saying no,” he promises gently. This draws Chris’ eyes back in his direction but he doesn’t turn his head. “Why don’t we start with moving you into the house in El Paso while I look into getting us home? Sound fair?”
Chris considers this a moment and then pops another fry into his mouth with a heavy sigh. “Fine.”
Eddie pays once they’ve finished their meals and leads Chris back to the car with a skip in his step. This is the lightest he can remember feeling in months. He could probably fight God and win with the mood he’s in right now.
He drops Chris off at his parents’ house with the promise to return the next day to discuss Chris moving in with him. Chris insists on hooking pinkies before he’ll agree to go inside. Eddie blasts his favorite music and rolls the windows down, singing at the top of his lungs without a care in the world.
Not even Buck ignoring his FaceTime call is enough to ruin his good mood, even if he’s a little disappointed. He’s too excited to keep this news to himself, though, so he FaceTimes Chim next. Chim doesn’t always answer, so he’s preparing to try Hen when the line connects.
Chim’s spikey hair and wide grin fill the screen, only a little grainy. “Eddie!” he cheers. “Hey, man, what’s up?”
“You busy?” he asks, hunkering down into his couch.
“Nah, not too busy. Buck just texted a few minutes to tell me he’s on the way with Jee, so I’m just waiting for them.”
“Buck babysitting for you guys?”
Chim rolls his eyes dramatically into the camera. “More like kidnapping our daughter,” he grumbles. “He shows up at our door at like 10 AM to announce he’s taking Jee to the zoo. But Maddie and I took advantage of the free day, if you know what I’m saying.” Chim punctuates this declaration with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.
Eddie wrinkles his nose. “Ew, Chim. TMI.”
Chim chuckles mischievously. He’s moving so much that the call keeps blurring and stalling until Eddie can’t even tell what he’s doing. Cleaning? Pacing? Shaking his camera around to annoy Eddie?
“So, did you call for a reason or did you wanna chat?”
Eddie bites his cheek to smother his grin. “Chris and I had a really good session today. We talked at the restaurant and… well, basically, he told me he wants to move back to LA.”
Chimney abruptly stops moving. His head whips toward the camera, eyes nearly bugging out of his head. “Are you fucking with me?!” he demands.
Eddie can no longer suppress his grin, shaking his head. “No, I’m not. It’s gonna take some planning, so I’m not sure when, but it’s what Chris wants and it’s what I want, so I’m gonna make it happen.”
“Thank fuck! ” Chim says so loudly the audio crackles through the phone. “You have no idea how insufferable Buck has been since you left!”
Eddie carefully ignores how warm and fuzzy that makes him feel. He should maybe not be so pleased to hear his friend was suffering without him but… it’s nice to know he wasn’t suffering alone.
Chim starts to say something else but he’s interrupted by a cacophony behind him.
“Honey, I’m home!” Buck crows from off-screen.
“Honey, I’m home,” Jee parrots around helpless peals of laughter.
“That’s Buck,” Chim says. “I gotta go, I’ll call you back later. Tell Buck soon!”
The call beeps as Chim hangs up. Eddie smiles and lists sideways onto the cushions, curling up in a small ball. He doesn’t bother with the TV, just allows himself to sit and examine the warm glow humming in the center of his chest. Perhaps this is the joy everyone was talking about…
A few minutes later, his phone begins to vibrate against his chest. He checks the caller ID and frowns; Chim is trying to FaceTime him again. He swipes to answer and immediately stifles a laugh.
The upper half of Jee’s face fills the screen so that all Eddie can see are her eyes and the space buns on either side of her head. Blue and pink butterfly clips hold her fly-away hairs in place as she blinks owlishly at the screen.
“Uncle Eddie,” she says fiercely. Sternly. Like a mother scolding a child.
Eddie can’t help but grin. “Hey, Jee! I heard you went to the zoo today.”
“Yes,” she says, her buns jiggling as she nods. “I fed the giraffes because they will not eat your hand, only the carrots. Uncle Buck says I’m very brave.”
“You are very brave, Jee! Did you have fun?”
“I did. Uncle Buck bought me a blue slushie.” She tilts the camera down to show him her tongue which is indeed coated in blue food dye.
He chuckles. “Wow, I'm jealous. That sounds delicious!”
“Yes but, Uncle Eddie, you have to shhhh,” she whispers, putting a finger to her lips. The camera shakes as she struggles to hold the phone with one hand. “I have to ask you something that’s a really big secret.”
Eddie’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. Jee really is the cutest little girl in the whole universe. “Sure, Jee, what’s up?”
“Can you undivorce Uncle Buck?”
Eddie inhales so sharply he chokes on his own spit. He has to sit up and pound his chest before his lungs start working right.
“Jee, who told you Uncle Buck and I are divorced?” he rasps.
“Callie at school says that her uncles got divorced and her Uncle Trevor was really sad at her house all the time. And Uncle Buck is really sad at our house all the time because you left and I don’t want Uncle Buck to be sad so you have to undivorce him.”
Eddie stares at the phone. He’s really not sure how to respond in this situation. It seems Jee-Yun has operated under a long-standing assumption that her Uncles Buck and Eddie are married. Which makes an odd sort of sense, considering her Aunts Karen and Hen are married. It seems a little cruel to dash her hopes about them but it doesn’t feel much better to let her believe something that isn’t true.
He decides that it’s best to leave it for now and talk to Chim before he does anything that might ruin his night.
“Well, Jee…” he says carefully. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry Uncle Buck is sad but I promised we’re not divorced.”
Jee heaves a very long, heavy sigh. “That’s awesome!” she says cheerfully. “When are you coming home?”
Eddie smiles, rubbing at his forehead as he attempts to collect his thoughts. “Um… I’m not sure but hopefully soon.”
Off camera, the sound of a door opening interrupts whatever Jee is about to say. “Jee, there you are! I’m talking to your Uncle Buck for five minutes and you run off with my phone. Who are you talking to?”
“Uncle Eddie,” Jee answers around a fit of giggles.
“Oh, well, tell him bye. We gotta get ready to meet your mom for dinner.”
“Bye Uncle Eddie,” Jee says in a sing-song voice, miming a kiss to the camera. Before Eddie can respond, the call disconnects.
For a moment, he can only stare at the screen, processing the last five minutes of his life. He knew that Buck missed him but to hear that he’s sad about Eddie at the Han household enough for their four-year-old daughter to notice is… It’s interesting. It’s an interesting thing to consider.
The last three months in El Paso have been a long battle. He’s been forced to come to terms with a lot since he got here. Chief among these struggles has been his feelings for Buck. The heat of them was so slow he didn’t realize he was burning until the wound was already third-degree. Without Buck, that fresh wound refuses to heal. So he’s not exactly surprised that Chris caught onto his misery here in Texas.
But in all his weeks of useless pining, it never occurred to him that the feeling might be mutual. He examines this idea carefully, cross-referencing everything he knows about Buck.
Buck in love is not an unfamiliar sight for him. He’s seen it countless times over the last seven years of their friendship. He’s seen the way he obsesses, speaks about nothing else for weeks, the way he goes above and beyond to keep them happy, the way he crashes out when he’s afraid they’re going to leave him like everyone else…
Oh.
Eddie might be an idiot.
Now that he’s thinking of it, he can’t understand how he missed it. The only explanation is willful ignorance attributed to a deep-seated fear of ruining what they have. He waits for a sensation of panic or resignation, some soul-crushing, earth-shattering alteration to the very fabric of his being. It doesn’t come.
Instead, he feels… oddly at peace. It’s like the final puzzle piece has been laid gently into its place, completing the big picture. Now, he can finally step back and observe it for what it is. There’s no need to panic because he knows that what he has with Buck is unshakeable. Buck is too well ingrained in him to be unraveled now. No matter what life throws at them, they will only come out the other side stronger.
And when they finally decide to love each other completely and without reservation, when they’re finally and totally honest with each other… It will only be like framing a masterpiece. When he goes back to LA, he’s going to woo Buck the way he deserves to be wooed, shower him with all his affection. Once they’re together this time, nothing will break them apart. He’s never been more confident in anything in his life.
He sort of floats around his house for an hour, smiling to himself and humming under his breath. He’s never felt so cheerful to be doing the laundry in his life. He can’t stop imagining Buck’s clothes mixed in with his, Buck’s truck in his driveway, Buck’s towel hanging beside his in the master bathroom, and Buck’s laughter filling up the whole house. There is joy and light in the world that he never thought he’d get to see.
He’s cooking himself a fancy dinner—steak and potatoes and a salad—when his phone begins to vibrate on the counter. Chris’s laughing face fills the screen as he tries to lean away from the big kiss Buck is pressing into his cheek; Buck’s caller ID photo. He wants to FaceTime.
Eddie opens one of the cabinets to prop his phone against the plates so Buck can see him and swipes to answer.
“Hey, Buck,” he greets, flashing him a bright grin.
Buck smiles back, his cheeks a little pink. “Hi, Eds. I saw you tried to call. Everything okay?”
Eddie stops chopping tomatoes for his salad and wipes his hand on a dish towel as he steps closer to the screen. “Yeah, we’re good here. Was just gonna update you on our therapy session today.”
“Oh, okay!” Buck blinks and leans closer to the screen, frowning. “Is that an apron? Are you cooking?”
Eddie’s smile is a bit smug. “Yeah, I’m making steak and potatoes.” Buck starts to say something but Eddie quickly cuts him off. “And a salad before you start yelling at me about vegetables.”
Buck’s eyebrows rise toward his hairline. “Wow, must have been a good session.”
Nodding, Eddie goes back to prepping his salad while the steak sizzles, attempting to hide his smile. “Yeah, you could say that…”
“Well, go on,” Buck says in that way which means he’s trying to hide his impatience.
Eddie shrugs. “He sort of confessed in session that I never ask him what he wants so my therapist encouraged us to keep talking about it afterward. I let him say his piece and, well, you know… he wants to move back home.”
There is a long, pregnant pause before Buck finally speaks.
“Home?” he repeats roughly.
Eddie risks a peek up at him. Buck’s expression is twisted with a complicated mixture of grief and terrified hope. Eddie feels the urge to soothe him like a tingling sensation all through his body.
“Yeah. Back home to LA,” he says. “I think it might take me a second to figure out the logistics but I’m going to make it happen.”
Buck starts to blink rapidly, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “Are… are you sure?” His voice is so quiet, that Eddie can barely hear it over the sizzling of the meat.
“I’m sure,” he promises. “He said in no uncertain terms that we’re both miserable here and this is what we both want. He also says he misses you.”
Buck closes his eyes, nodding slowly. It’s another long moment before he’s able to continue. Eddie tosses the tomatoes into his salad bowl and flips the steak.
“Okay… okay, this is awesome,” he says at last, wiping at his face. “This is great! You tell me what you need from me and I’ll make it happen. I can fly down there to help you pack and drive back? Or I can just drive your stuff so you can catch a flight with Christopher? I should probably start apartment hunting, huh? I’ll have to-”
“No!” Eddie says it so harshly that it startles them both.
Buck blinks at him with wide, confused eyes. Eddie pulls the phone down from the cabinet to hold it closer to his face.
“Don’t look for apartments. Stay.”
“Okay…” Buck says slowly, still blinking. A lot. “I guess I could crash on the couch for a bit while you guys get settled.”
Eddie shakes his head. “Not the couch.”
Buck stops blinking. It appears he even ceases to breathe. “Eddie… what are you saying?”
Eddie chews on the inside of his cheek, considering his next words. This isn’t exactly how he would have chosen to tell Buck how he feels. He wouldn’t have chosen any of this if he’s honest. Buck deserves the fiercest, most passionate romance. He deserves to be told he’s loved in person, where Eddie can hold him and kiss him and repeat the words into his skin until they are permanently tattooed there.
So, he just says, “We have a lot to talk about when I get back.”
Buck finally blinks, forcing a tear to spill down his cheek. He brushes at it impatiently around deep, even breaths. Eddie is worried that he’s upset him but then Buck smiles. It is the brightest, most radiant sight Eddie has ever seen. The sight of it eases some ancient tension from around his heart.
“Yeah,” Buck says through a battle against his tears. “Yeah, we have a lot to talk about.”
Eddie brushes a thumb over Buck’s picture, wishing he could feel the warmth of him beneath his skin. Soon , he promises himself. Soon .
“I’ll see you when I get home, Evan.”
“See you when you get home, Eddie.”
For the first time in his life, Eddie is excited about what comes next.
Thank God for the kids.