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The rain had settled, the concrete wet and the smell lingering on everything. The jacket had a moist but sweet hint to it, reminding of the blind dogs in the zone when they hadn't properly dried themselves off. It smelled like a mix of fruit, honey, and mushroom but those didn't overthrow the strong smell of dampness like wet wood. It was fresh and yet it had something sour and rotten to it.
Faust drove his hand over the thin green jacket, grasping the pendant hanging on the chest. He could feel the dampness even with the gloves after he had rested them against the metallic railing. Feeling how the raindrops gathered onto him, slowly wandering down from his hair onto his face. A faint tickle and Faust blinked the raindrops from his eyelashes away.
The jacket weighed him down on the shoulders, feeling how cold it was against his skin as it bled through onto his shirt, sticking to his skin.
Faust rose his head, first hearing the footsteps on the wet concrete before he saw the glowing veins of energy. The soles of worn boots stuck for a few seconds in the wetness, sprinkling tiny fine water everywhere.
"Aren't you cold?" Strider requested, his tone almost concerning but it still sounded steady. The cold air had made his voice rough, sharp like metal. Faust turned his head from where his voice emitted, feeling his face distort into a smile even if he couldn't read his expression.
Strider, even though he couldn't see him directly, made everything so calm like the rain that had washed over the Zone. Somewhere distant, more raindrops fell from somewhere in a burst.
"I am wet, Strider, not cold." Faust nodded, gesturing with his hands toward the probably discoloured fabric on his frame. There wasn't any wind that made it past his skin and crept into his bones, "There is no wind that blows the dust away, no howling that haunts our safety"
"But it's cold" Strider hinted, ignoring the poetic phrases as he always did. It didn't bother Faust and like a melody, he didn't mind the silence he was greeted with whenever Strider was with him. Sublime silence that did not chase away the strength to talk and retrieve words was a delightful sense. It was like breathing freely without any tension to communicate.
"You should take it off," Strider concluded, his hands warm as it touched his shoulder. A faint saltiness of his sweat mixed with the fresh, almost sweet taste of rainwater still clinging to his lips.
"Cold is the absence of fire," Faust said instead, leaning his head to the side. He felt the raindrops trickle down onto his neck, past the jacket.
There was rustling, buttons opened, and suddenly Faust felt warm, the added weight different from Strider's hands.
"Here, take mine," Strider directed, his boots hitting tiny stones as he stepped closer, his hands adjusting the jacket onto him, almost hugging him.
Faust let it happen, closing his eyes and just feeling the warmth wrap over his torso.
"What is sickness to one whose soul walks beside a friend?"
It felt like the entire world started to glow as everything rushed towards Faust. Until he wrapped his arms around him, it felt like there was something dark hunting them down. It was a heavy choice to make, breaking him that he had to deliver the sinners to a horrid path, but it wouldn't last forever before the sweet devotion would settle in. Faust leaned closer to Strider, enjoying the warmth his body emitted. The hand ran over his shoulders softly, tugging the wet jacket that Faust usually had wrapped around his waist under the jacket he sacrificed. The heavy jacket was still heated from Strider's body.
"What are you doing outside anyway?" Strider wondered, his breath warm and sharp against Faust, who inhaled the smell, so familiar and yet so strong.
Faust didn't answer, just listening to the faint sound of the leftover of the rain connecting with puddles around them. He could hear the crackling sparks of fire trying to beat the wetness of the firewood.
Faint chatter was heard, the soft wind rustling leaves and bushes down below them, and the few sun rays that would have looked nothing else than grey and dirty were warming their skin.
"I was thinking," Faust explained, moving his hand over the rail, collecting raindrops onto his glove and letting them drop onto the ground, listening to the sound as if it was music.
"You always think," Strider noted and Faust couldn't help but chuckle, everything suddenly so warm.
"I never minded being on my own," Faust hinted, trying to find words that Strider understood, "But with you? The feeling that we need something watching over us almost disappears,"
"What do you mean?" Strider requested, always eager to understand what he had to say even if Faust had to repeat his preaching but he would take his time even if it meant until they were nothing more than precious metals in the soil.
"I want... the old ways back, but something broke in me" Faust started, taking a pause to choose his words, "You make me feel... like there's light. You provoke the same feeling as a warming stove in a cold winter and the welcoming smell of freshly baked food when you are hungry"
"Thanks?" Strider answered the confused tone slipping into it, his breath still tickling Faust's face like the soft wings of a butterfly swirling around in the air, making him smile.
"I... never been told that I'm... fresh bread?" Strider worded, his tone lacking any flow, but the pauses were caused by confusion and not by empathized diction.
Faust could feel the muscles around his mouth tighten into a grin, an automated emotion that brought something so hopeful with it. Faust knew that Strider wasn't keen on using words but all that mattered was how he could see his energy flowing in his body, faster than before and brighter. The prickling sensation it caused to run over his own body made him chuckle, as it had been tickled.
"You make the days less cold, with or without you offering me your jacket when you are around me, Strider" Faust corrected, taking Strider's hand that was still on his shoulder, readjusting it so it wouldn't slip off.
"That-" Strider grunted out, stopping mid-sentence, a graceless pause filling the air, "That... is good,"
Faust turned his head to smile to himself. Or smile for the Noontider, hoping it would do something to him. It was a hard feeling to explain but it felt like sparkles had filled the air. Faust hoped those feelings were as bright and hopeful as the stars in the night sky and as soothing as Strider's energy.
Something was dragged over the concrete floor, there was not a single word. There was this strong sharp smell that cut through the base. It felt cold like the wind that blew into the tunnels. Hurried footsteps and the blue veins of energy jostling in motion.
"What happened?" Someone asked, their tone stern and fierce like the burning acid in the air. Something was dripping onto the concrete.
Faust could hear it, the single droplets, probably staining everything, but all he saw was a strong energy faintly shimmering before him.
He could hear something pitching such a high tone that his ears couldn't pick it up anymore, it sent a shiver down his spine. It was a haunting sound, rough like nails on a chalkboard.
"I need help!" Khors coughed out, his frame staggering as the other Noontiders jumped out of their tasks. Like a swarm of insects, so many footsteps hurried towards the mechanic. Faust stopped where he had started to wander down the hall, stretching his head to listen.
"What happened?!" Strider ordered, his tone loud and splintering the hall, his voice echoing, carrying it back in a vibrating shatter.
"I just need help," Khors replied, his hands loud as he rubbed them against his clothes, presumably dusting them off.
"What are you... doing?" Strider requested, the worry in his tone gone again, and Faust stepped closer. He could see the merging blue veins of his brothers standing around, blocking the path. Not that Faust could have seen it anyway, but he pushed past them carefully. It felt like they could sense his presence, letting him pass without anyone touching him, like water that was bent, like earth that was dug.
"Everyone, back to their tasks" Strider ordered stone cold and Faust let his head drop to the side confused at the events that played out.
"Is he hurt?" Foma requested, his voice familiar just like Strider's. The medic had already presumably a medkit in his hands with how his shape was angled.
"No" Strider stated, sounding exhausted and Faust wished he could see, could hear. Listen deeply and hear the ongoing consuming thoughts that plagued the man, wanting to take them away.
Not long after Khors had dragged a rusted car piece into the base, someone else requested help. Not a lot of them knew what it even was but Khors had eagerly explained that it was an old engine. Most Noontiders already had lost interest after that little scene.
Whispering voices echoed around on the base, but the most audible thing was footsteps that were carried around. A faint warming glow that Faust could feel near his hands as he unwrapped the bandages on his arm. He never let anyone see his arms, double-checking if someone was nearby before he redid the bandages when they got too loose around his skin.
"There's an issue, and I tell you! It's Faust" Dubny's voice sounded angry, it echoed loudly through the tunnel and like a shockwave it was carried towards the altar.
"Supplies go missing without a trace." Dubny recalled, "Food cans opened and disregarded, opened but not like any of us do... It has to be him"
Faust didn't even bother, he had been too busy to help around the base, even if most didn't let him do anything. Always the same phrases being thrown his way that he couldn't help due to his blindness. So, he found something to do, with care wrapping his arms tightly to make sure no loose end hung away.
"I will look into it" Strider's voice was quieter, hesitant and Faust felt himself smiling. Even if Dubny had an enormous dislike toward him, he felt protected by Strider.
"The headaches are getting worse! Foma already ran out of pills-" Dubny declared, something urging in the way he spoke.
"I know, I'll take care of it" Strider reminded the other Noontider, but he earned an annoyed huff that echoed loudly.
"Do, but do it quickly, We cannot risk-"
"No one will get hurt, we can handle this. I'll talk to Professor Lodochka about it" Strider cut into Dubny's words with determination that warmed Faust's heart.
Faust acted like he wasn't eavesdropping, calmly organizing candles onto boxes. His hands were sticky from the wax, running his fingers over the candle to understand if they would survive long enough before burning to the ground. It was a calming task, and one he could do alone even if it meant he had to go into the kitchen to operate in there. Taking all the things he needed Faust stood up, wandering through the tunnel into the hallway.
Strolling by slowly, Faust could hear Dubny's annoyed snort, his footsteps echoing loudly as he stood in his way. Faust stopped right before their bodies would collide, giving the man a forced smile.
"Yes?" Faust concluded, not wanting to end up arguing again, he heard the man's thoughts and that was enough for Faust. Even if he didn't try to, he could feel the anger swirling in Dubny's thoughts, making the air prickle as if an anomaly had materialised between them.
"What are you doing?!"
"I am melting the candles...," Faust slowly insisted, "Someone has to burn it down to create something new from the ashes"
"I'll watch you, I know it's you doing all sorts of things" Dubny accused him but Faust could feel Strider's gaze somewhere between the many Noontiders that were gathered around, the smell of fresh food calming, unlike the conversation.
"Me?" Faust requested, blinking slowly as he set down the wooden box with the candles inside on the counter, the countless cylinders automatically rolling around loudly.
"What can I possibly do? I am blind," Faust insisted, gesturing with his hand and he could hear the protest of some Noontiders.
"We all know you are not defenceless Faust, I know you are sneaking around and planting ideas into people's heads" Dubny spat out, from the sound crossing his arms over his chest.
"Are ideas... bad?" Faust hinted, tilting his head and he tried to force a smile.
"Maybe it's you. Who makes everyone restless."
"I did nothing. I am just helping around and instead of arguing, maybe you should do the same."
But no matter what anyone in Noon thought, Faust couldn't deny the weird energy that had formed in their base, it was like a pulsating energy that made voices mix with each other. He could feel it too, there was something that wasn't right.
"If you really think that I am at fault, why don't you prove it? Show me what I did that was against any of our rules." Faust stated, picking up the box again and walking into the kitchen. He could feel it, Dubny's ice-cold stare on his back.
"You are just trying to convince Strider, I won't let you get into my head as you do with everyone else" Dubny yelled after him, causing more Noontiders to gawk at the event.
Faust grimaced, it had been ages when he had used any ability. It usually happened by accident back when Monolith's voice had disappeared, he had tried to reach his brothers somehow as he had pilgrimed around the swamp, somehow trying to find more. Finding answers that never came.
Everything was spinning. The anomalous energy pulsated everywhere and Faust squeezed his eyes together.
A Lot of Noontiders had asked for him, asked if he could help them but Faust could do nothing. The thin mattress felt uncomfortable and no matter how long he turned himself, he was too restless to sleep.
It hurt, his head throbbing uncomfortably that felt like a blade that was dragged against his forehead, sinking deep and doing something to him.
Plagued by the faint prickle of a cold instrument reaching his brain, Faust shuddered at the unpleasant feeling.
Days, so many days almost the entire base was unfunctional. Strider had to fix more than ever, even Quiet, who had started to live as a Trader had returned to help around.
"It feels like we are hunting for witches" the Trader grumbled, a groan leaving him as he started roaming through the cabinet next to Strider's desk mindlessly.
"Have we really checked every floor?" Strider requested, the map on the table rattling as he smoothed his hand over it, trying to come up with ideas.
"I wish Walrus and Armor were here..." Foma noted, giving a pained and tired sigh, "It's been so long-"
"They are with Monolith" Faust declared, he knew it, but all he earned was sharp gazes that drilled into him like this restless feeling.
"Well, asking them won't get this mystery solved" Dubny declared and Faust wasn't the only one who didn't want the Noontider in the room. Foma just clicked his tongue, his boots loud as he paced around, his faint mumbling like an ongoing bomb, ticking lower and lower.
"3, 2, and-" Foma whispered, coming to a stop, his voice trembling, "We don't have any pills."
"And the Stalkers?" Quiet suggested, the desk rattling as he placed himself onto it, "Strider, we could ask Helicopter, right? He is still on our side."
"After Operation Zenith, I doubt that any of them would lend a hand," Strider speculated and Faust shifted on the mattress, standing up.
His boots jingled, the bandages securing them so he didn't have to tie them, walking slowly and measured through the room.
"The striving is the thing." Faust revealed and it felt like the dust in the air had stopped, everyone's breath caught and waiting.
"You haven't changed a bit, Sickle," Quiet snorted, "Or wait... are you even talking to us? Does he talk to us?"
"You and your riddles are not helping!" Foma insisted and Faust turned his head to the medic, frowning.
Another sweep through the entire base. Faust walked carefully, his hand tracing the walls as he descended the staircase leading further into the old building. It smelled awful, the scent making him recoil, like acid it made the air feel pulsating. The fumes seemed to be worse than ever since most Noontiders were holed up in the medical bay. The headaches were so bad that even Strider had to rest with a lot of protest.
"See anything?" Foma requested, his steps loud, lingering behind Faust like a second shadow, his body armour brushing his back.
Faust didn't reply, he just concentrated on the stairs, unsure if he counted right, stopping mid step. The end of his boots dug into the corner, using his other boot to find the next row.
"More?" Faust requested urgently, blinking into nothingness.
"What?" Foma wondered, his tone flat and unhurried.
"Are there more stairs ahead?" Faust returned, trying his best to keep his body from shaking.
"Ye-, " Foma replied but his guidance was short-lived as the Noontiders hand found Faust's shoulder like a claw. It felt like a stone had landed on him, the sudden weight making Faust lose his balance and by the surprised gasp Foma let out, he hadn't it any better as suddenly the floor disappeared under them. Faust tried to act quickly, pushing his arms forward to catch himself, or at least not to crash face-first into the hard concrete.
The pain was dull, like a slap from a hand Faust grimaced as his elbows hit the solid ground. It felt like an electric anomaly had him in his grasp, sending a bolting tingling feeling into his arm. A low groan came from under him and opening his eyes confirmed it.
Foma's armour wasn't soft, and neither was the hand that was pressed into his chest comfortably, but at least the medic had tried to catch him while being spiralled on the floor.
"Ouch," Foma gasped, shaking his head, the hood rubbing loudly against dust and debris "Hold still!"
"What?" Faust concurred, trying to move but Foma was holding him, yanking him back down.
Faust already wanted to spit out curses but he held them back as he could feel Foma's breath against his face. It was sweet, but the reason why Faust froze was the sudden change in the air.
"What is that?!" Foma suddenly cried out and Faust had to lock his jaw so he wouldn't scream by the overwhelming fear that grasped him that Foma experienced.
"Foma, Tell what do you see?" Faust urged, his hands searching, finding his neck and the fast-beating pulse drumming against his fingers.
"No, no! There's... someone! I can hear them!" Foma stated in a whisper, lifting his arm to point into the darkness.
Faust took a sharp breath as he dusted off his pants, leaning his head to the side to hear better. Nothing in particular made him alert. There was a faint dripping from a pipe, the old Monolith suit from Foma rustling next to Faust. And a wheezing gust of wind.
"I don't like this. I don't like this at all" Foma mumbled out, his voice trembling with fear and Faust had to blink at the sudden feeling that crept upon him.
The lamp around his belt was unnecessary as it swung around with every step. It was practical for others when Faust was walking around the base at night. His gloved fingers brushed the old lamp as if it would change something. Foma had been correct, there was someone or something down there. Tiny feet rushed over the floor, and Faust wasn't sure where it was leading him, or if he was walking in circles.
It felt like ages until whatever Faust was trotting after had decided it had walked enough. It wasn't clear if there was a corner or the end of the passage, but from how the sounds echoed it seemed to be some kind of blockage nearby.
The faint lines pulsated, like a shaking leaf in the wind, it wiggled around as if it was trying to dig a hole into the paved ground without success.
"You..." Faust began, unsure blinking at the small bright energy bundle near the ground.
"Me?" The mutant replied, its voice a replication of his own. It should have made Faust scared but he wasn't, he was more curious than anything else.
"Or you?" The weird mutant stated, the voice suddenly sounding a lot like Foma.
"Do you have a name?" Faust questioned, kneeling down. His pants slid over the dusty and sticky concrete loudly.
"Many Stalkers call me-" There was a pause, a pulsating noise similar to a Fruit Punch Anomaly, "Hello Kitty"
"Are you...? I can't see you, I am blind" Faust described as he stretched his hand out, "I do not mean you any harm."
"They get scared but don't attack," the mutant requested, its voice suddenly different than before, younger and more energetic.
"However, your presence has caused significant strife among my brothers, food thief," Faust accused the mutant and he was rewarded with a meow and a mechanical laugh that sounded like purring.
Faust tilted his head, somehow trying to reach out. To understand, to see, to feel. To drive the culprit away, so the wind could carry all the troubles away.
No, he shouldn't do it, the Psi energy would spark in Lodochka's lab and then-
"Your thoughts are loud, you are... different" The mutant described, a wet sound echoing out followed by presumably fur sticking to it. Calming, relaxing and Faust couldn't help himself but smile.
"You didn't answer my question," Faust insisted, still crouched he placed himself down on the ground, his legs aching. His boots were loud against the ground, small concrete pieces being shoved around. Tiny paws that almost went silent over the floor came closer, the blue veiny creature taking shape. From the veins and shapes it seemed a little smaller than a wild dog, crouched and raising its back into the air, its tail high.
Faust inched forward and the feline suddenly hissed, a mix of a human screech and a meow echoed in the old basement. Before Faust could react the mutant had run off into the depths of their base.
"Bayun" Faust noted, knowing it was bigger than ordinary house cats, but it made him just more curious why it had ended up here.
The state of the Noontiders had gotten better, even Strider was on his feet but it still made Faust nervous that the Bayun was crawling around in their base. He had started to talk to it, or more talk to the walls, unsure where and how the mutant had successfully been able to sneak into their kitchen and steal food cans.
The cabinet Faust was seated on was hard, the wooden surface long withered but he still brushed his fingertips against the edge.
"Are you there?" Faust requested, carefully tracing his fingers against the cupboards.
"Depends who you are looking for" Strider answered and Faust raised his head, but when he tried to find the blue glowing shape, there was none.
"Embrace your doubts, I say" Faust requested again, letting out a sigh. It had been days since he had met the mutant and it seemed like it had disappeared.
"I knew it. You are the one." A rough voice revealed and Faust tried to relax his shoulders as footsteps echoed. Too heavy to be the feline, too much force to be Strider.
"Stealing our food, causing trouble" Dubny's accusing tone echoed and Faust didn't even turn around, already prepared for an unforgivable lecture that he had to listen to.
"Talking to yourself like a lunatic. No wonder everyone still thinks of us as crazy fanatics with someone like you among us.!"
"HEY STALKER! OVER HERE!!" An unknown voice yelled and Dubny spun around, cursing under his breath as he bolted out of the room in anger and confusion.
Faust blinked, unsure what even occurred, but the footsteps faded again and a quiet meow made him smile.
"Is that what you hoped to happen?" The cat purred out, he couldn't see it but he knew its eyes squinted amused, the tail moving cryptically over the floor and Faust scoffed at it. With an eased jump the feline landed on the counter right next to him.
"You are cruel" Faust spat out, the mutant just sharpening its claws on the wooden board beneath, its tone amused as it laughed like a human.
"Do you even know what you are saying? Are you capable of understanding the words you speak?" Faust questioned, stretching his hand out, and to his surprise, the cat nudged it.
"Stalkers, they are weird. Not many come and run to help." The Bayun replied, the voice new and sounding more youthful.
"Do you think?" Faust requested, using the back of his hand to run it along the creature's fur, the ears pulling back as he traced the shape of the head. It felt like a short stubble, similar to Strider's short hair on the back of his neck. Soft and rough and it caused Faust to ache with such a plunging despair.
"I can sing, talk, walk. I can also cry." The Bayun hummed, this time it sounded as if the cat had smoked cigarettes for years, it was somehow funny and made him smile. But he still didn't feel any happiness.
"I see" Faust replied, stopping himself as the cat crackled amused, the laugh echoing around.
"Blind, blind, blind." The cat remembered. Its sharp claws tearing into his lap, but judging by how quickly the sting passed, the Bayun was trying to stay in place. It curled up onto his lap giving a raw purring sound that made his eyes flicker close, it was soothing, lulling but not strong enough.
"You are one of us" The Bayun stated, its small body vibrating soothingly.
" You can stay," Faust explained, pushing the metallic tray with some leftovers of a tourist delight can into the dark basement. There was no answer, just a sniff.
"Finally a good hunt! Hamster is gonna pay a lot for those artifacts!" The Bayun stated excitedly, the paws rhythmically tapping toward the served food.
Faust waited for the mutant shape to come into view, taking a respectful step back as its paws tipped against the ground silently. It's tail this time was more relaxed, swiping across the dusty floor in a smooth motion as the cat sank onto its belly to eat the offered food.
"I bear a request," Faust stated, once more crouching himself to the level of the mutant that raised its head, by the sound licking its face.
"In solitude or in favour of the brothers that walk among you?" The cat hinted, its tone amused, yet it was weird to hear his own voice being retold.
"You sound like... me" Faust stated, tilting his head and listened to the mutant to eat the food, the sound relaxing as its tail kept slowly dragging over the dust. It maybe wasn't special but Faust followed the feline with his head, its almost naked skin snuggling against Faust, a low purr emitting from it.
"You Stalkers seem to carry so much weight on your shoulders," the Bayun stated in a relaxed tone and Faust let his hand relax, smiling as the cat kept rubbing its face against him.
"You must stop, my brothers are in pain."
"Are you sure it's me? What if it's you?" The mutant hinted with a mischievous grin and laughed.
It became a habit. Faust never answered the countless questions when the next sermon would be held, trying to act busy as lingered in the basement, sitting sometimes for hours in silence with the mutant that was sprawled across his lap, his hands still aching, but he did not mind the rough fur and skin.
There was this smell, sweet, like fruit that had been left in a sunless room.
Faust couldn't see it, but it was clear that there was confusion. No sunlight reached down into the basement, but it was clearly lived in with an old mattress shoved into the corner, and empty trays of food sitting neatly stacked around. A worn-out stick with some sort of yarn attached, lying on the ground. Before Faust could say anything, he already was greeted with a hiss that echoed loudly.
"What-" Strider questioned, the sound deafening as he clawed through the holster of his gun, the sound so sharp in the basement.
"Shhhhhhhh" Faust hummed, tears dwelling in his eyes, the emotions transferring to him like the vision of the memory that had been buried under all his hatred and fear.
"You do not need to be scared" Faust objected, raising his hands to signal that nothing would happen, calmly stepping forward to the mutant. They had their little hideout in the base, and Faust wanted to share the existence of the mutant that had spent his company, feeling so understanded.
"That's easy for you to say..." Strider huffed out, presumably still aiming the gun at Faust and the Bayun as he sat down, the mutant crawling onto his lap, letting out a hiss.
"Get out of here Stalker" the mutant yelled, its voice distorted as from a gas mask.
It was funny, maybe even twisted and odd. But most Noontiders had began taking a liking to the Bayun. Especially Khors who finally had someone he could talk excitedly about the engine and other different mechanic things.
Warming itself onto the sunlight pavement, sprawled out, stretching its long limbs. Faust could even feel that it started to grow more fur, no longer feeling mated and so skinny. It felt good, warm, like the sun above them that made maybe the Wild Island not look so much withered and sad.
Faust felt the metallic rail under his hand and like before, he knew Strider would check upon him. He had revealed that he had been worried about him when he had started hiding with the Bayun in the basements which made Faust's heart sink into something deeper than the reflective thoughts that the mutant could hear.
"You have to tell him" The mutant stated faintly, like a hushed and shared secret as it prompted itself up, with ease jumping between Strider's legs, brushing against his uniform.
"What?" Strider wondered but Faust was faster, grasping Strider's hand to pull him closer, into the sun rays that warmed his skin and everything around them.
"I swear all I ever, believed in was all of us together all along" Faust whispered and the tears in his eyes felt like tiny crystals that had formed under his skin, sharp and stinging. Strider's palm was so warm and he leaned closer, never wanting to let go. He had been wrong, he had been looking for nothing, blind to the fact that what he searched for in this world was already in front of him.
"I looked for guidance under a false shepherd, for you are my Monolith" Faust revealed Strider didn't respond, but he got pulled closer, his body warming and it made Faust weep more for the wrong plans and goals he had pursued for all those years, how he was close to breaking it all apart that they had built up.