Chapter Text
Phone Guy –
“Uh, I wanted to record a message for you, to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I
Hello? Hello hello? actually –“ (cuts off)
Dave –
“Sorry, I just had to cut that asshole off. What a fucking pencil neck.
Anyway, good fucking going on landing a minimum-wage job where you have to fend off gigantic, felt-covered bastard animals who want to snap your neck and stuff you into a fuckin’ bear suit.
That phone guy left some tips of his own to help you survive, but honestly, they didn’t do him much good. Spoiler alert: he fuckin’ died. What a nerd.
So, good ol’ Davey’s gonna give you some tips.
Tip number one: don’t let those bastards lay a finger on you. They can and will stuff you into a fuckin’ bear suit. Take it from me—those suits smell like slaughtered toddlers.
Tip number two: don't use too much power. You have two blast doors on either side of you and two door lights. You can use those to check when the robots are coming. If they’re ready to pounce on ya, you can create a titanium fuckin’ barrier between you and the deranged rabbit trying to fuck you up.
Sadly, those impractical design measures were designed by me, meaning they’re a fuckin’ hindrance. The doors and the lights sap your power (?), and if the power meter runs to zero, the bear is gonna come out and fuck you up. Remember: you can’t outwrestle a fuckin’ bear. So make sure you don’t run out of power.
By the way, this place is totally fuckin’ haunted, and that’s on me. I sort of murdered a few dozen kids back in the eighties and stuffed them into the robots out of pure spite for the company.
Don’t worry, though—kids don’t count as real people.
I’ll call ya tomorrow. And remember: you can’t out wrestle the bear, so don’t even try.”
(hangs up)