Chapter Text
He could only really hear the ticking of the clock and the sound of his breathing. He wasn’t really as present as he should be. Becker breathed out as slowly as he could, remaining barely composed as he submitted himself to the dressing down Lester was giving him. He kept his shoulders straight, head down.
His attention resumed as Lester slammed his hands down onto the desk, hard. "This has gone on too far!" Lester barked.
If this was what he considered too far… Becker had to bite back a scoff. Lester had barely scratched the surface of how deep Becker had gotten himself. It was never enough.
It was that new guy, (Matt, Becker sneered) who had gone snooping around and found the small stash of documents that Becker dared to keep in his office. It hadn't even been that bad, only three folders full. He keeps the majority of his work at home. Becker could admit his house was starting to look not dissimilar to a conspiracy nut's lair.
"I believe it's within my job description to keep tabs on our major threats..." Becker argued quietly.
"Tabs? I have found out from Helen Cutter’'s childhood bloody neighbours that you have been bloody interrogating them."
Becker didn't bother defending himself. Lester was just as aware of all the crimes Helen had committed as he was. If Lester wasn't convinced of the need to act already, what could he say?
Lester wasn't getting the response he wanted from Becker and sighed. "I do not wish to lose another member of this team." Lester’s jaw clicked closed like he hadn’t meant to say that and although he said nothing more, Becker thought the man was leaving the space for any semi - logical reason to let Becker stay. Pleading for it in fact, in lieu of the alternative.
"I'll go…." …pack my desk. Becker began to murmur. Or tried to as an anomaly alarm went off at that exact moment.
Lester looked a little relieved. "We will talk when you get back." He decided. "Get your head on straight."
"Sir." Becker acknowledged with a sharp nod. He closed the office door quietly behind him.
On his way back through the Arc, he passed by another new acquaintance of his.
"Good morning, Captain Becker. Keep safe today!" Jess said brightly. Becker kept his eyes to her left. He couldn't stand being around her. She was sweet and bubbly and when he looked at her, all he saw was the next person he’d fail to keep safe.
Becker forced himself to be a grownup and after taking a deep fortifying breath he gave the gentlest smile he could manage while swallowing the ball of self loathing clogging his throat.
"Thank you, Jess." He replied quietly, his heart pounded in his head as he continued on down the corridor. He went to the store room and armoury. He took several things he wasn't supposed to take and got ready to receive Matt's instructions on this new anomaly.
—
The new team were all basically strangers to Becker. It was hard keeping people on payroll once they were faced with the brutality only a dinosaur or future predator can bestow and turnover was now common.
Becker had no one left he trusted to have his back. He certainly didn't trust Matt when the man tried empty words to win him over. Good leaders didn’t need to convince people to their side. They simply needed to do the right thing, to try and save people, and Becker would be right alongside.
These days he constantly felt like he was hovering outside his body. He’d lost his sense of purpose and was struggling to find something, anything to orient himself.
So in his mess of thoughts he'd made something of a plan.
Honestly he didn't know why he was doing what he was planning on doing but somehow he was doing it anyway. At this point he just needed something, anything, to stop the emptiness and pain that was drowning him.
So, as the new team worked fast to set up the locking device that Connor had pioneered to encase the anomalies and 3 medium sized dinosaurs laid dead at their feet with no Abby being furious at the soldiers for killing them. Becker began to hover so close to the anomaly, could feel the magnetism start to yank on his gun and dog tags, except it didn't matter as there was no Danny around to point out how unusual Becker's behaviour was and pull him back. And then Sarah… oh god Sarah…who wasn't just missing in action… who was…
She was gone and it was all his fault.
In his hand he had a backpack full of supplies for camping. He had an anomaly detector and the plans memorised to build another. He'd had this idea in the back of his mind for a while now but it never felt real.
…He was probably walking to his death.
Just like Connor, Abby, Sarah, Danny. They all walked through an anomaly and they never came back. He failed to protect them. Maybe they were still alive, maybe they weren't.
But Becker didn't feel like he was facing his death. He felt cornered and this was his last route to escape. It was this or nothing.
Becker ground his teeth and straightened his back. He couldn't move on with his life and he didn't want to end it either. So he walked straight through the anomaly before anyone could know to stop him. He would live through this, even if it made him suffer. This was his only way forward.
…
Twenty minutes later, Lester got the news from Matt. He'd lost another of his staff to the anomalies. He regretted not firing Becker sooner. At least the man might still have been alive to yell at.