Chapter Text
You stood with your back against the wall in a loud room filled with people dressed to the nines, so they say. Tony was hosting a “holiday” party for his patrons and the Avengers were invited for appearances. You arrived a bit late after deciding to wear the outfit Pepper chose for you. You wore a black turtleneck, the fabric irritating your skin slightly. It was tucked into a pair of black dress pants, held up by a belt threaded through a gold ring. On your feet were black laced dress shoes, and over it all, you were wrapped in a long gray coat that draped down to the back of your knees. On your wrist, you wore an elegant watch that had been gifted from Tony. You recently discovered that if you weren’t punctual, a wave of stress would build up, knowing you were going to be late. In the past you followed a very strict schedule and if you were late for anything… On your neck lay a silver necklace with an outline of a dragon curled into a circle, a gift from Natalia left outside your door a few nights ago after a mission. Your hair was partially slicked back, a few loose strands above your eyes opening your facial structure a bit followed by a black cloth mask over your mouth. Wearing a face covering helped you blend in more than if you hadn’t worn one, but even so, a few curious individuals who lacked personal space would still approach you. This resulted in a barrage of questions on topics ranging from your appearance and background to how you ended up working with the Avengers, and so on. The occasional sneaky photographer snapping a photo added to your annoyance, making you feel like an animal on display, which did nothing for your self-esteem.
You preferred smaller gatherings of people you knew, but you could not say no to free food. And there was someone you were looking to run into at this gathering. Your gaze follows Natalia across the room at the bar, chatting with Bruce. It was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves, especially in the line of work everyone is in. Since your last mission, there has been an undeniable shift in the way she behaved around you. Every conversation you had with her was fleeting, filled with awkward pauses and half-hearted exchanges, as though she was eager to escape as soon as possible. She had altered her routes around the tower entirely and shifted her meal times to avoid the usual items you two crossed paths. The most telling sign, however, was when she gifted you the necklace. Rather than presenting it to you face-to-face, she left it outside your room. This party marked the first time the two of you had been in the same room together.
After some thought you decided it was time to approach her and try to talk things through, only pause in your tracks. There was a sudden pain in your chest like someone took a knife and was twisting it very slowly. Your hands began to twitch and your breathing slowed. There she was, the two of them moved to a nearby doorway and she is kissing Bruce under the mistletoe. The room began to shrink and suddenly the sea of people became unbearable. You slowly started to back away, only to bump into a waiter carrying drinks. Glasses shattered to the ground and liquid spilled onto the nearest wall, dripping into the outlet causing a POP sound to erupt. The music came to a halt and everyone was looking your way, your eyes darting towards Natasha who had separated herself from Bruce.
Next thing you knew you found yourself on one of the rooftops in the city, far enough away from the tower. You weren’t sure how long or how far you ran, only stopping once the cold became unbearable to breathe in. You made your way to the edge and sat down. A few birds landed near you and buried themselves under your jacket. The sounds of cars echoed in the air, the city lights illuminating the sky making it hard to see the stars in the night sky. For a moment you thought of your sister and how she would have loved- no, she isn’t here anymore. The only person who ever. Your thoughts were cut off by the sound of heels clicking, it didn't take long before your peace was ruined by the sound of boots approaching.
Your eyes remained focused on the cars below, “Just leave me alone.” That unsettling pinching in your chest resurfaced and it wasn’t the cold wind finally getting to you.
“Everyone’s looking for you.” Natalia’s footsteps stopped behind you, waiting for a response. Your heightened senses picked up a new scent in the air, your stomach twisting in disgust.
“My whereabouts are none of your concern, agent .” You stood, the birds under your jacket flying away and you finally turned to face her.
“Your whereabouts are my concern when you make a scene and then run off.” Irritation laced her lips, she had her arms wrapped around herself due to the cold.
You were surprised to see her still wearing heels, intrigued by how she found you so quickly. She was wearing a jacket, one she had not had on earlier. You pinpointed the strange scent, it was radiating off the jacket, it was Banner’s. You shifted a foot closer towards the edge of the roof, taking a quick glance at the ground below you.
“Let’s get out of this cold and back to the tower. Then you can explain to me why you are behaving so evasive.” Her phone rang and she picked it up immediately, “Romanoff… oh hey Bruce. Yeah, I’ve found them I’ll be back soon. Ok bye.” Your entire body began to fidget as if something was crawling under your skin.
“I…Just go.” You weren't sure what to say, you just wanted to be alone. And the longer she stayed the more stressed you felt, her actions were confusing. You weren’t sure why she was concerned for you after actively ignoring you the past few days.
“I’m not leaving you out here, it's too cold.”
“Just leave me alone like you’ve been doing. Why are you so concerned-” You were cut off by the sound of a BANG, out of nowhere this sharp pain surrounded your lower back.
Time had slowed and you took a step back, forgetting you were on the edge of the building. Fear spread across Natalia’s face while you plummeted to the ground, she sprinted towards you with a hand out to grab you. Forgetting she was in heels she ended up falling off the building with you. It did not take long before your mind snapped back into reality, with one hand you pulled her close and with the other, you aimed towards a nearby railing. Your body jerked for a quick moment but your impact was lessened because of the cable you shot, both of you stumbling and falling to the ground. The both of you quickly stood but failed as you were kicked in the back and pushed to the ground, overhearing Natalia fighting someone out of vision. Using all your strength you rolled to the side and grabbed the person’s leg, pulling them down with you.
You weren't sure what the guy was mumbling to himself and you kicked him in the gut as hard as possible. Your heightened strength sends the man flying across the street into a nearby trashcan. Quickly turning around to help Natalaia fight off the man, the two of you gain the upper hand. Natalia backed off, seeing that the man was beaten and had enough but like some fire inside you, it did not simmer. For a moment you couldn’t feel the pain of a gunshot while you kept kicking the man to the ground. You ended up breaking the arm he used to shield his upper body. You felt a hand on your shoulder which caused you to turn around and instinctively throw a punch but it was caught because Natalia had quick reflexes.
“It’s done, let’s head out before authorities come.” Her hair and makeup were disheveled. She had a familiar look on her face, one she used before the last mission.
For a moment you felt a warm feeling in your stomach, maybe from the blood and you smothered that feeling with an icy bitterness. There is a sense of deja vu surfacing, you weren’t sure why. You walked past her in the direction of the compound, the two of you walking back in temporary silence.
“You’re angry. You're letting your control slip.” She blankly stated.
“I am not angry.” You griped your side righter, the pain becoming more unbearable the more you walked.
“I know you are. Your muscles are all tense and you feel this tight pressure in your head. You feel like there is this fire you can’t put out.” You refused to acknowledge she was right to some degree.
When the two of you reached the compound she followed you to the medical room. Thankfully it was empty, you gathered your own supplies and started to patch yourself up. The serum in your body had healed a good portion of the wound already and all you needed to do was clean it. It’s a shame your clothes have been torn and have a bullet hole, you really liked the outfit. You sat in a nearby chair, lifted your shirt, and dabbed some rubbing alcohol on the wound with a cotton ball. It took a few tries to find the bullet wound since it entered through your back, a scab had formed over the skin around the area, which was very sensitive to the touch.
“Hmph!.” Your body quickly jerked from the sting the alcohol brought, pain shooting up throughout your entire body. A bit of white flashed before your eyes, and an old memory began to resurface from your past. When you were in a 1v1 battle with another competitor, you had been shot at a very young age. It left you with a botched stitching job and a nasty scar since your health was horrible as well as not having the full super serum in your body.
“Here let me-” Nat took a step closer but you held a hand up, making her stop in her tracks.
“I got it, you should do a once over to make sure there’s no surprises.” You were now leaning towards the left of the chair while using your right arm to clean the wound. The doors to bust opened, multiple concerned teammates now filling the room, causing you to drop the cleaning supplies. Your head resting on your hand, slightly pulling at your hair. Everyone was talking at once and you quickly became annoyed.
“Hey hey, what happened?” Pepper quickly approached where you were seated, worry on her face. She started to get handsy in an attempt to look at your injuries and you failed to swat her hands away. There was a gasp when she saw the bullet wound.
Looking past her you saw Bruce approach Natalia, the sight feeling like someone was twisting a knife in your chest. You spaced out while she cleaned the wound and patched up a few other scrapes as well, you forgot about the pain in your left shoulder from the vamrace when you used it to cushion the fall. You felt guilty for behaving so evasively towards Pepper because she was just trying to help, when your more severe injury was cleaned you stood and started to walk back to your room.
“Let me help you walk back.” Steve rushed to your side, noticing you were using furniture to help keep yourself upward.
“I appreciate the assistance but I just… I just…” want to forget this evening , you almost said aloud. Someone, probably Steve, put his hand on your shoulder causing you to jerk forward and almost fall forward due to the unbalance. The room fell silent, everyone’s eyes staring right through you. You took a deep breath and walked out of the room.
~~~~~~~
You entered your room there were lights hung all around, winter-themed paper taped to the walls, and a box lying on your bed. Someone had decorated your room while you were away, it felt cozy. Inside the box was a framed picture, it was of the team after a party you all attended a few months ago. It was something about heroic service and everyone was dressed up all fancy. On the bottom of a box was an old photo of, what everyone else would assume would be you but instead, your sister. You knew the few pictures taken of you were all destroyed before you were saved by the team. On the back, there was something written, “ You should smile more - N.R .” You frowned, placing the photos on a bedside table and then changing out of your dirty clothes. After changing into a simple shirt and pair of shorts you crawled into bed, requesting Friday to play some music while you fell asleep.
Thought I'd do just fine on my own
What a fool I've been so alone
Life is better when I'm with you by my side, that I know
And with so much out there to see
All I want is you next to me
A familiar emptiness entered the room, your sister’s face plaguing your thoughts. Maybe the people from HYDRA were right, someone like you is meant to be alone. One way or another any sense of comfort is torn away. A lesson you learned long ago. You weren’t a person, you were a person created to do a job and complete it without fail.
Soaking in this moment, have I always felt this free
Lost in the moonlight tonight
Reflecting in your eyes, the time
Your sister loved watching the stars. Even though she wasn’t outside much, like a caged bird she was always looking at the sky. She’d probably study the stars and talk your head off about all the different constellations.
Feels like we're frozen for life
For life, for life
All of our problems are lies
To bring us down from our high
All of the world is mine
Tears slowly fell down your face as you stared at the dimly lit ceiling. You imagined of the two of you traveling to see the northern lights, your only reference was what the internet could provide. They were beautiful on a screen and no doubt more beautiful in person. Your sister dragging you through the snow and up a few mountains to get the best view. She’d have this excitement plastered on her face and a determination that no one could stop. Neither of you spoke the entire journey. Your mind couldn’t bring itself to make something up though you weren’t sure what she would say.