Chapter Text
Shame kills more than it motivates. It freezes a person, locks them up, makes it impossible for them to act or think, trapping them in a spiral of self depreciating thoughts.
Then it kills. Easily.
Kakashi hates that he’s well acquainted with this type of killing too, that some part of him thinks he’ll die this way if not in the line of duty. Which only shames him more, that line of thinking. Adds to his already dangerously unsound mind; the apathy he feels towards his own life, towards the concept of life in general. The overwhelming guilt for being alive when there are others far more deserving who have died because of his own stupidity. Inexperience. Weakness.
He distracts himself with romance novels. They make him… feel better, forcing him to think about people in love, intimate, facing danger together. Things he knows deep in his soul he can not experience himself. He’s a weapon, a tool, he won’t allow nice things like that around him, he knows he’ll ultimately hurt them, it’s all he knows how to do with himself.
When the novels become too fantastical, he’s found himself watching a one Umino Iruka, and that pastime is just as good as reading those books. Better even, with how Iruka is a living breathing man, tangible in the ways storybook characters are not. Iruka chases away his worries with just one smile, it’s honestly a bit terrifying.
But he just doesn’t watch Iruka for his smiles, though they’re his favourite, he watches him for his other emotions too. The man is perhaps the most expressive person in the whole village. Not that he’s met many others to genuinely compare, but, Iruka clearly wears his heart on his sleeve most days and it’s never difficult to parse what he’s feeling in any given moment.
It’s nice. An easy to read book. Tease the man here, watch his face erupt red in irritation, torment the man there, watch his veins bulge with restraint. No wonder he’s village bound, Kakashi’s barely even trying; had he ill intentions, Iruka would have been dead ages ago, his emotional responses as his downfall.
So he’s secretly very pleased that Iruka never goes on any jobs outside the walls of Konoha. Never ventures outside further than the closest onsen town. Never gets put in more danger than expected of a being a teacher or office administrator position, paper cuts and folks irritate by the bullshit of bureaucracy. Never really a chance to miss Umino Iruka, for someone to extinguish the bright light, the blazing fire of Iruka’s very being.
So imagine his blood freezing, bone chilling surprise to learn a fuma-shiruken had wound up lodged in the man’s back. He thinks the shock had him vomit a bit, only a little in his mouth. He can’t really remember much of those few moments beyond the intense dread seeping into him.
Hiruzen had sighed, puffing his pipe smoke as if annoyed with an unruly child, oblivious to the stomach acid on Kakashi’s tongue. The frantic thoughts occupying his mind. The way his hand twitches, the phantom of electricity dancing across his skin, grip tightening as if to hold a sword.
Turns out Kakashi’s reaction had been needless. Iruka had been fine. Banged up, but medical personnel arrived in time and no damage had been done. Or, Naruto had unintentionally used his chakra to heal. It wasn’t really clear.
But. It changed the character of Umino Iruka in his mind. Self sacrificing. A trait Kakashi hadn’t been privy to, impossible to expect with how… simply the man lived. Teach children how to throw kunai, work at the reception hall and back in the report returns office, filing away papers. Never any danger to call for such a strong, sure reaction.
Would Iruka throw his life down for just anybody? Kakashi didn’t want Iruka in a position like that, regardless of how much the concept kept him awake at night.
But, it did open up a new avenue for interacting with Iruka, getting to read him like a book. He’d gotten to see him proud, thoughtful, considerate, reflective, worried. More variations of angry, thanks to Naruto, but, the more Kakashi saw, the more he wanted to find.
What words from his lips would elicit what response.
So he told him he thought of him as Naruto’s hero. The dazzling smile he’d gotten from that was… something else.
But, then he heard the worry and anger mix into Iruka’s voice, a fascinating combination, he had to open his mouth to get more.
Iruka’s reaction was beautiful. All fire and sparks. Challenging. Daring. Burning brighter than he’d ever had before.
While Kakashi wanted to add to it, Hiruzen had doused it. They were in the middle of a meeting. No time or place for whatever the hell Kakashi was doing. Harassing a desk chunin for caring. … was that what he was doing? He hadn’t really… meant to. He had just wanted to see how far Iruka could go. Words just tumbled from his mouth so he could get to that goal.
The moment he steps close to Iruka afterwards, he feels perhaps the strongest flare of killing intent he’s ever felt inside the village. A warning. A dog snarling and snapping it’s jaws. A threat display. Everyone around them gasps in shock with how intense it is and that’s the sign he should pay attention to it. But he’s always in dangerous situations, it’s second nature to him now, so he steps around Iruka so that he’s facing him.
What he sees stops him dead.
Iruka’s face is red, scrunched up, contorted into an expression of pain, irritation and embarrassment. His eyes are glossy with tears welling in them, that must be blurring his sight, because he takes a moment to recognize Kakashi standing in front of him. And once the recognition hits, his eyebrows furrow in anger, a deep scowl cutting across his lips and Kakashi is momentarily dumbed down to the single thought: pretty.
But it’s gone just as quick as Iruka is, in a swirl of leaves, Kakashi’s barely aware what happened, staring at the empty space the man had just been occupying, the sound of chakra echoing in his ears and a faint breeze of warm air, leaves scattered across the floor and stuck in his hair. He’s gobsmacked. Thrown akimbo. What is happening…