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It’s hard for Bakugo to admit, but Shinsou’s presence has actually made him… happier, hard as it is to admit.
He hadn’t come to UA to make friends, and certainly not to get a boyfriend, but he’s ended up with one somehow. A boyfriend who, despite being a little shit, remembers all his favorite things, massages him when the muscle cramps get too much, keeps up with him in arguments, and holds him after nightmares. A boyfriend who never failed to make Katsuki feel safe, like there was someone always watching his back, and yet made him doubly bold. So yeah, troll doll was a good boyfriend, but Bakugo was going to be the best .
Hence, the confused stare he’s giving his computer right now. His thighs are starting to hurt from sitting on the floor, but it’s the only position that makes him feel serious when he’s studying, and he’s never been as serious as he is now. He’s surrounded by all the books he could find in the library, has a million youtube videos open in front of him, all for one purpose: learning sign language. From the little Hitoshi has told him about his childhood, his hesitancy to ask questions, and his trauma from extras’ reactions to his quirk, it’s no surprise he doesn’t want to speak sometimes, or feels like he can’t. He knows he’s fluent in sign, sees him talk with Mic-sensei sometimes, but it’s irritating to have to be able to communicate through phones or not understand his boyfriend at all when he’s non-verbal. It has some practical use for himself, too, with time slowly ticking on his hearing due to constant explosions, but if Hitoshi had a panic attack where he couldn't speak and was too out of it to type, and Katsuki couldn’t get him to tell him what’s wrong-
It won’t happen. He won’t let it, so he’s taking matters into his own, apparently unskilled hands. Bakugou Katsuki loves challenges, charges at them and seeks them out even, but sign language is proving to be a difficult beast to tame. Fingerspelling was easy enough, with the exception of a few letters, but memorizing new vocabulary when he can’t write it down, his preferred studying method, is hard. Not to mention, the blisters and calluses his hands have formed due to his constant explosions make his hands (apparently pleasantly) rough to hold, but also too stiff to get the fluidity sign demands, so getting his sentences to flow is more difficult then he’d thought. He’s startled out of his thoughts by his 8:30 alarm: it’s time for him to sleep, like he does religiously everyday, but there’s too much left to do. He’s in for a long night.
But Hitoshi was worth it. He’d always been worth it.
-
It was a long journey, learning to speak and sign at the same time with Eijiro and Denki, practicing words whenever he can, to the point where he almost starts thinking in sign, however that works. He’s never been especially close to Present Mic, but he’s gained a new appreciation for the man after he practices signing with Bakugou, a knowing twinkle in his eye.
Finally, after months of practice, Bakugo is ready to surprise his boyfriend, and it’s going to be great. He’s had it all planned out in his head: Hitoshi will come to school, Katsuki will ask him how he slept in sign, Hitoshi will be super surprised, and he’ll ask him on a date. It’s perfect and foolproof.
Bakugo himself is up early, as per usual, so all there is to do is wait at the gates for Shinsou to come from the left end of the school, where the Gen Ed and teachers dorms are. Once he spots the shock of violent purple hair, his heart starts to beat a lot more furiously than he’d accounted for, and with a higher ratio of nervousness to affection than he’d like. Katsuki doesn’t get nervous around Hitoshi, and never has to feel awkward with him. The only reason his heart usually beats this fast is because his boyfriend is extremely hot, not because he’s terrified he won’t like the surprise he’s poured his heart and soul into.
(Really, it’s here, with the churning feeling in his gut, that he should’ve known something would go wrong.)
Shinsou waves at a distance, face brightening in a way barely noticeable if you don’t know him once he sees Bakugo, and this is the moment of truth. Casual as anything, Bakugo signs. Yo. You sleep well?
Shinsou gets halfway through signing, it was alright , before stopping and saying out loud, “Yo-since when have you known sign?!” The dumbfounded expression on his usually smug boyfriend’s face is a treat, and Katsuki can’t help a little grin. “Been learning for a while now. Keep up, troll doll.” Then, Hitoshi’s face softens, looking at Katsuki like he’d hung the moon and stars and not learned how to communicate with him better. His mouth draws up in the cutest, shyest smile he’s ever seen from him, his eyebrows wide and expressively happy, and his eyes crinkle with so much love . He doesn’t know if the man knows this, but when he’s happy, his eyes get the brightest twinkle to them, like a white star hung in the violet depths of space, and those stars are shining onto Katsuki and only Katsuki right now.
“You learned… for me?” Shinsou’s expression is so unbelievably vulnerable and open, a far cry from his usual deadpan expression, and he looks at Bakugou with so much love in his eyes that he doesn’t deserve it. He thinks he’s gonna go crazy. All he has to do is tell the truth, say, yes, of course I did, it’s you, do you want to go to a cat cafe with me after school?
But the thing about Katsuki Bakugou is that he doesn’t, can’t do ‘soft’. It’s just not meant for him, he’s too full of sharp edges and hard corners. He’s built himself out of rage, rebounded the hurt the world throws at him right back. He has to, he can’t afford to do soft, because if he does, somebody will use it and break him, and he won’t be able to handle that if it’s Hitoshi. He doesn’t think he’d ever be able to get up again, if Hitoshi reached through the door to his heart and crushed it in his hands. It’s a dangerous path they tread, one where Katsuki can feel himself traitorously getting more and more attached, and it’s scarier than getting kidnapped ever was. Hitoshi’s love is like an open flame, and Bakugo the one freezing for fear of its warmth, drawing back.
The thing about Katsuki Bakugou is that he is a coward.
So he takes Hitoshi’s vulnerability and crushes it. “No. ‘Course not, are you stupid?” It’s the easiest thing in the world to lie, to cover up the tracks of his affection, the road to his bleeding heart in the snow; but it’s the hardest thing to see the way Hitoshi’s face crumples. Whenever he’s seen Shinsou hurt in the past, his face immediately hardens and sharpens, throwing up barbed walls sharpened by the world's cruelty. An easy smirk here, or a glare there, and he projects the stoic, standoffish, and rude person everyone assumes him to be, that no one bothers to get past. It's an easy defense mechanism to identify, once you see it in action the first few times. If you manage to slip past the walls, even just for a moment, you’ll be met with surprised eyes, or a soft smile.
But Shinsou had let his guard down permanently for him alone, and he’d proved that he didn’t deserve it. Hitoshi’s face was still frozen in his smile from earlier, but his eyes widened dramatically before it, too, dropped. The betrayal sinks deep into his face, jaw hanging slightly open in shock, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, eyes roaming as if Katsuki’s face will suddenly make sense of everything. Worse than the betrayal, though, is the resignation. He rearranges his expression into one of calm acceptance, only slightly disappointed, as if this was inevitable. As if Katsuki was some kind of evil person who could only feel anger, as if he was stupid for wondering if he could care in the first place- and doesn’t that just sting? The one person he thought could get him, relegating him in his mind as a villainous boyfriend too. But, really, had he proved him wrong? Katsuki has just shown every person that’s ever doubted him that they were right: he can’t be nice to anyone, not even for a second, no matter how much he cares or how hard he tries. He’s been getting better recently, slowly, painstakingly, but clearly he hasn’t changed. Anger was all he was and all he would ever be.
He knows that's his own insecurities talking, though, and he unfortunately knows Hitoshi enough that he knows that he’s immediately going to blame himself. That someone ‘like him’, whatever that meant, was never meant to be loved in the first place, and that he was presumptuous to assume someone would care enough to surprise him, even though that's the exact thing Katsuki wanted to convey. No matter how understandably angry he acts after this, because one of the things Katsuki loves about him is that Hitoshi’s never been a doormat, he knows that his stupid boyfriend has already internalized one thing: he’s not worth the effort. He was, he is, worth the hours and hours Katsuki spent practicing, only to ruin it with his own stupidity. (Apparently, his ‘foolproof’ plan didn’t account for himself.) The thought of Hitoshi’s spiraling thoughts alone makes Katsuki want to fall to his knees and apologize, but because he’s Bakugo Katsuki, attacker extraordinaire, he doesn’t quit. Can’t quit, so he drives the final nail in the coffin. “My hearing’ll be gone by the time I’m 30, but so will you. I’ll see you around, troll doll.”
-
There are three things Katsuki knows:
He’s an idiot.
He has to apologize (and maybe beg on his knees) to Hitoshi for being an idiot.
He’s really an idiot.
Here, for continuity’s sake, is one thing he does not know:
How the fuck to go about apologizing.
It’s not something he does often, at all, but like he said- anything for Hitoshi. He’s replayed that stupid, fateful morning way too many times in his head, to the point where for two days he’s felt like his mind has been running a warm groove of 7:48 AM where he possibly ruined one of the best things in his life, and he can’t get why . His fear always seems to seize him at the worst times, to the people that are the most important: De- Izuku, his gang of idiots--
Hitoshi.
Usually, though, Hitoshi will just laugh it off because he knew what he signed up for, but this isn’t a laughing matter. Like, at all. Katsuki had underestimated just how much of his daily life has been overtaken by Hitoshi, but when he wakes up to his alarm and no stupid cat meme, or comes down for breakfast and doesn’t see a stupid note left in the kitchen for him by someone at 3 am, or when he pulls off a move in class and has no one to grin at- it hurts. It hurts, and it’s worse knowing that it’s all his fault. The two of them have been avoiding each other, Hitoshi presumably out of anger, and Katsuki out of an all-consuming fear, but he can’t let it go on any longer. It’s killing him.
(And he might actually be dead soon. Aizawa-sensei is too professional to treat him differently in class, but every time he answers a question he’s met with an icy glare along with a correction or confirmation. Mic-sensei, on the other hand, has no such restraints on his anger, and talks just a bit louder to Katsuki, enough to barely hurt, and he’s been called on in English six times in one class period. Six. times. None of which he volunteered for. He thinks his life will be in danger soon.)
So, instead of avoiding like a coward any longer, he takes himself to the kitchen, rolls up his sleeves, and makes Hitoshi’s favorite food: gyudon, and an assortment of whatever strawberry flavored snacks he can find. It might come as a surprise that someone so stoic and quiet has a huge sweet tooth, but Hitoshi has consistently ordered strawberry-flavored anything at whatever restaurants they go to, so it’s a pretty safe bet. He’s made gyudon for his boyfriend a million times before: after a rough day, or together in the kitchen late at night, or just passing it off as the meal he chose to cook for the day for all the extras, so the motions are familiar. This, however, is the first time he’s had to make it as an apology, and it has his palms sweating bullets.
Once it’s done, his eyes pass over the kitchen. It’s clean, but he knows if he tried, he could pass off his stalling as taking time to deep clean it, or helping the extras with their homework, or a million other things. However, he’s already decided that he’s had enough of being a coward when it comes to his boyfriend. So, he walks to his death with his head held high, and knocks on Hitoshi’s door.
He opens it, and it’s the closest Katsuki’s been to him in days, and it feels strangely unfamiliar. Like this is the first time he’s had to crane his neck up slightly, or that he’s smelled that strange lavender and coffee mix, or seen dead eyes and gravity defying hair. Hitoshi’s eyes narrow when he sees him, which is deserved, before they flick down to see the food.
“I’m not in the mood, Bakugou.” Bakugou? He wasn’t expecting the usual stupid pet names, but not even Katsuki? He may be in more dire straits than he thought.
“I fucked up, and I really want to apologize.” He desperately wants to squeeze his eyes closed for the next part, but he has to face Hitoshi head on. “Please? I was a major asshole, and I won’t make excuses, but you deserve an explanation and an apology.” Hitoshi raises an eyebrow that does not make Katsuki nervous, and then waves him inside.
“If this is about how you broke up with me, I’m pretty sure people don’t typically make apology baskets- ”
“How I did what ? When the fuck did I break up with you?!” Katsuki hadn’t meant to stand up, as if he was planning to get physical, but the shock was too much. He stared at Hitoshi bewildered, and it was only at the end of his exclamation that Hitoshi returned the expression.
“You- on Tuesday, with the sign-”
“I wasn’t fucking breaking up with you!”
“Then why- you literally said I wouldn’t be around in your future, and then said ‘see you around’. What the fuck was I supposed to think?”
“That I was an emotionally stunted idiot, probably! That’s what I’ve been thinking all week!” The sentence is enough to shock a laugh out of Hitoshi, confused as though he is, and it brings Katsuki a misplaced sense of pride. Hitoshi seems to remember himself though, and fixes Katsuki with a pointed stare.
“Well yeah, I knew that part. If you weren’t breaking up with me, why’d you say all that shit?”
This is the part Katsuki had rehearsed the most, and also the part he dreaded the most. Opening up was like digging his hand through a pile of nails, ripping up his arm to grasp at the truth, and holding it out to the other person dirtied and bloodied. He hated it.
“I… learned sign for you, like you thought. I wanted to be able to talk to you when you didn’t want to talk out loud and- yeah. The stuff I said about my hearing was true too, but,” He makes sure to look Hitoshi in the eyes when he says this part, “It was always about you. But when I tried to, I dunno, fuckin’ tell you, I got-” Scared. The word lodges in his throat, but this isn’t about him, so he’ll just have to get over it. “I got scared. Of you rejecting me or some dumb shit, I dunno. But I lashed out at you because of it, and I’m sorry.”
The thing about Hitoshi and Katsuki is that they are always mean to each other. Always. It’s how their relationship started in the first place. Insults and banter were like breathing to them, so if they got offended every time one of them said anything, they would never have gotten together. But it was a careful balance that both of them were distinctly aware of: they were never dismissive of each other. For things that were serious , they were there for each other, and the insults could wait until later. So for Hitoshi, who was so guarded and standoffish all the time, to be vulnerable and soft with Katsuki and him to take advantage of that? It was total asshole behavior, and he wouldn't blame Hitoshi for not wanting to be with him after that.
“I don’t… I shouldn’t have said that shit, not when I was being genuine. I get if you don’t wanna be with me anymore, or whatever. I’m sorry.” He barely refrains from breathing a deep sigh of relief. He did it. It felt like pulling teeth, but he did it. He can’t bring himself to pick his head up to see Hitoshi’s face, but the silence is killing him.
“I’m not gonna lie, it was a major asshole move. I felt like such an idiot for ever trusting you, or thinking I could like, matter.” Katsuki hangs his shoulders lower in shame. That was the exact opposite of what he wanted, and it kills him, but he has to own up to what he said.
“But,” Hitoshi grabs him by the chin, tilting his face up, “I wouldn’t have spent the last two days crying about you breaking up with me if I didn’t want to be with you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
“I didn’t… I’m sorry I made you cry.”
Hitoshi looks distinctly uncomfortable at the mention of him having emotions, and Katsuki would usually tease him for it, but not now. He switches to sign, and Katsuki is even more appreciative of his practice with Mic, because Hitoshi signs fast .
I mean, I was- am, kinda- really upset. You make me feel like… like I’m special, and then you blew that up. This whole conversation makes Katsuki feel grateful he learned in the first place, because Hitoshi struggles a lot to communicate his feelings out loud. When he’s signing, though, it’s like he can avoid the vulnerability that comes with voicing your opinions, and it feels so much freer.
Plus, I like you a lot, and I thought you’d left me . That makes Katsuki wince. He’d promised Hitoshi he’d never leave, and that’s a promise he intends to keep, so the fact that he’d made him think he didn’t mean it, even for a second… It sucks. But you’re here now, and you apologized, and… I’m mostly glad you're back.
A smirk appears on Hitoshi’s face, and it’s such an achingly normal expression Katsuki feels like he might cry.
“You’re for sure gonna pay for it, though. Horror movies for the next month .”
“Ugh. You have no fucking taste.” The insult tastes familiar in his mouth, and when he plates the food and brings it over to Hitoshi, cuddles up in his arms, when he kisses him, it feels like coming home.
Yeah. Learning sign was a good idea, he just needs to work on his execution.
-
addams family
NOT a secret lovechild
Guys it turns out he didn’t break up w me LMAOOOOOO
moviemarathon.png
dry eye is nature’s #1 killer
zashi we couldn’t have possibly been this bad right?
LOUD AND PROUD
you were worse.