Chapter Text
The Palace was much bigger than you were told. As soon as you stepped off the carriage you were led to what would be your rooms. On the right was a big bed, a sitting area in front of a chimney and a bathroom. At the end of the room there was a door to the balcony.
You stood on the balcony for what felt like hours thinking about all of this. An arranged marriage, a bitter laugh on your lips. Damned your father to have sold you off to Ravka and damned the King for buying you off in exchange for an alliance with Kerch. The irony of it all would drive you crazy.
“It is a nice view” a voice behind startled you. It was a man in ragged and dirty clothes. “Do you ice-skate?” There was a shit eating grin on his handsome face.
“No”
“Perhaps you will learn this winter” he pointed to the lake, “it becomes a ice rink”
“Does the tsar skate?”
His grin turned into a half smile, “he does, or tries to.”
“Who are you?”
“A friend”
“Of who?” You looked him up and down.
“Hopefully yours”
“I don’t think I’ll be allowed to have male friends” you looked at him again, “not that handsome at least” a blush raced to your cheeks.
“Yeah, you should ask your fiancé” The stranger leaned against the balcony, next to you.
“When I meet him” a disdained sight left your mouth, “do you work here?”
“Yes”
“What do you do?”
“A little bit of everything but first and foremost I’m an inventor”
“Of what?”
“Mmmm” he tapped fingers against his mouth, thinking, “ships, aircrafts”
“Are you part of the army?”
“Yes I am”
“Is it true that Ravka has flying ships?”
He laughed, “it is true, I invented them myself”
“The groom is not supposed to see the bride before the wedding!” A beautiful red haired woman shouted from inside of the room. She was wearing a kefta and glaring daggers at the man next to you.
“Your highness.” You bowed your head slightly to him.
“Please don’t.” He took a step forward, his hands raised awkwardly at his sides, uncertain what to do with them. “Please don’t ever do that again, it is just Nikolai.”
You raised your eyes to see him and nodded.
“You can have all the friends you want” he smirked, “none of them will be this handsome anyway”
You nodded, suddenly ashamed of your bolt of honesty.
“Hey” he lifted your face to see him, “we will see a way to make this work.” He gave you a half smile that told you he was not comfortable with this either.
“I am sure we will.” You gave him one of your own, “Nikolai.”
And with that, his smile was complete.
***
The ceremony was beautiful, you had to thank Genya for all the attention to detail in the decorations as well as to your dress. The white and golden gown worthy of fairy tales had been a perfect choice.
You drank and danced with your husband and guests, and although every single member of Nikolai’s court treated you wonderfully, your smile could not quite reach your eyes. There was an unspoken sorrow in your heart, no matter how handsome and kind your husband was, you did not know him and yet you now had to devote your life to him.
You thanked the servant who helped you out of the dress, walked into your joint bedroom in your nightgown and your heart stomping out of your chest.
Your husband was taking off his jewelry when he spotted you through the mirror, a shy smile on his face.
“Hey” he greeted first.
“Hi” you walked to him, “would you like me to call someone to help you?”
“No, thanks. I can do it.” He continued with the buttons on his jacket. Although the gloves made the task much more difficult.
“I can help you, then.” His hands laid nimbly at his sides as your fingers did the work efficiently. “You looked very handsome today.” You complimented, trying to get the conversation flowing.
“Thank you. I must admit I felt quite jealous, I don’t think I could ever look as good as you, my queen.”
Your face flushed at his compliment, quickly finishing with his jacket and taking a step back, looking down.
“Are you alright?”
You figured it was best to be honest about it. “I am nervous, Nikolai. I have never done this and I hope I can, well, please you.” Your face was crimson by the time you finished the sentence, but his’ was puzzled.
“Done what?” His brows furrowed.
“Consummate a marriage.” You looked away in shame.
He scoffed. “Neither have I, I’m afraid this is my first marriage.”
His joke release tension from you, making you smile, “you know what I mean.”
“I do, but you don’t have to worry about that.” His gloved fingers guided your chin to look back at him. “I have no intentions of doing it tonight, or any other night, as long as you do not want it. I do not find your fear desirable.”
A breeze of relief fell on you.
“I asked for your room to be ready for tonight, you can stay there as long as you like. This thing-“ his hand gestured to the space between your bodies, “will take time, and I have no intention in hurrying it.”
“Thank you. But I know why I am here, Nikolai. If this thing” you mirrored his gesture, “doesn’t work, just know I know my duty.”
He contemplated you for a minute before speaking again. “I will not bring a child product of fear and disdain into this world. It would not make a good king.” He leaned in and placed a tender kiss on your forehead. “Good night, my queen.”
With that, you left his room for the night, grateful that you had not married an ape.
***
***
“I did not know I had married a little myshka .” Your husband smiled from the door of the library, bringing one to your own face.
“Moi tsar.” You teased, “what a surprise to see you this afternoon.”
He walked to you, hands clasped on his back, looking at the books on the table.
“Ravka’s history and myths.” When you looked up he extended a bouquet of flowers to you. “Thank you!”
“The least I can do for my queen” he sat in front of you, “how are your studies going so far?”
“Good, the life of Saints is a bit confusing, but it is going well.” You took a quick look at your notes, leaving the flowers aside, “Hopefully I can get a good idea soon enough so I can join your court, maybe?”
“Oh” he smiled, “is that what you wish to do?”
“I think so.”
“Why?” He seemed intrigued.
“Well, I was on my way to become a scholar in Ketterdam, I think I could do decent work.”
“I went to College in Ketterdam as well, quite a nice place.”
The declaration surprised you, “Oh? Never saw you there, I think.”
“I doubt we frequented the same places, darling.” He smirked.
“What was your major?”
“Law and politics.”
“Same as me.”
“Yeah but I barely spent any time in classes.”
“Were you a drunken moi tsar?” You teased.
He laughed, “I will not entertain this nonsense of accusation.”
“You were!” You laughed as well. “That is why I never saw you there.”
“You are also younger than me!” He tried to defend himself.
“Just two years, I still could have seen you in some classes.”
He scrunched his nose, “good thing you did not”
“Why?”
“I would have asked you out, of course.”
You scoffed, “I don’t think so”
“Are you joking?” a pretty girl who can do all of my homework? Darling you would have been my number one target.”
It was your turn to laugh, “then good thing you didn’t because I wouldn’t have done your homework.”
He shrugged, “I would have done mine with you, for sure.”
You blushed at his comment, feeling your face warm at the insinuation. “But we did not meet.”
He raised his shoulders, dismissing the missed opportunity.
“So… a law and politics advisor in my council. I like that. Right now it is filled with soldiers, Ravka is in urgent need of a brain there.”
You matched his smile with your own. “I’d be honored.”
His eyes were kind on you, as if he was amazed to hear you want to be part of his life. “Please let me know when you feel ready and or if you have any doubts.” He took a look at his watch and then stood up.
“Nikolai, I do have one question.” He looked back at you tenderly. “What is myshka ?”
A sweet smile lightened his face, “mouse, my little library mouse.” He leaned in to kiss the top of your head before leaving you for the day.
***
Time passes so slowly when you are in a trial.
“She bleeds again.” One of you maids said during your second month in the Palace.
“You shouldn’t be running everyday, moi tsaritsa. Your eggs will fall.” the doctor ordered, little did he know you had barely seen your husband.
“It is not her bleeding we should be checking.” Some girl whispered during your breakfast at the patio, while you pointlessly drank all sorts of beverages to ‘help’ your fertility.
“He doesn’t like her because she is not noble” a whisper on your back, “neither is -“ she shut up when you looked.
“Your duty to the Lantsov Dynasty remains” a letter addressed to you from Queen Tatiana was stamped in your brain. You tossed it in the trash when you read it.
“Nikolai wants you to visit the Hospital today and send the ill his regards.” Genya announced with a smile that brought sickness to your mouth at the mere thought that everyone in the Palace knew your husband’s wishes better than you.
Whispers and voices filled your days, until it was nighttime.
Because every night, you had dinner at the quietness of your chambers and then, you would stay awake to listen when your husband came into his room, next door from your own. When he did you counted the steps that accompanied and then waited in the hall to see who and when they left.
Every night your heart sank a little deeper, because every night the same person walked out of his chambers.
And not a single time General Nazyalensky could hold your stare.
***
You were not speaking to him. You were actually avoiding him.
You ran at breakfast time, ate at council time and read in your bedroom. It was not so hard considering he didn't try to find you either and he was away constantly. Away with her , your mind shouted.
A month or so went by since the last time you had seen your husband. Until one night a servant announced the King wanted to have dinner together.
You chose the most beautiful dress in Lantsov blue, simple but elegant, to drag yourself to the dining room. He was already there in his First Army uniform, smirking at you.
“My beautiful wife.” He stood and walked to you, bringing your knuckles to his lips and placing a soft kiss. He helped you in your seat before returning to his. “I missed you, I haven’t seen you in forever.” He complained with tenderness.
You did not answer.
“I just returned from a trip with General Nazyalensky and Count Kirigin, can you believe he is crazy for her?”
You bit down a growl. The audacity of this man , you thought.
“I was hoping you’d join the council soon, how are your studies going?”
You did not answer.
“I am running out of ideas for a conversation here, darling. I think I need your help.” His tone was firm and you finally raised your eyes from your plate to his face.
You sighed, “leave us” The waiters left the room, giving you the much needed privacy. “Perhaps you should ask General Nazyalensky to join you for dinner.”
Every hint of amusement and his signature smirk were gone in an instant. “Why would I?”
“Well if you can’t help to have her in your chambers every night then perhaps you should have dinner with her as well.” Your tone was also firm.
His eyes did not falter, “it is not what you think”
“Then explain it.”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me”
“You have my word, dar—”
Your scoff interrupted him. “Nikolai,” your patience thinned, “I would rather you behave like a jerk than keep up the good boy facade while you’re mocking me.”
“Because I am not!”
You covered your face with your hands, it was the lie that hurt the most. “I knew this would happen and I only ask you to be more discreet.” You sighed, keeping your face down, “the whole damn castle talks about it and I am the idiot wife who can’t even do what she was brought to do. I can’t compete with her, Nikolai. She has it all, the beauty, the power, the king’s attention. It’s excruciating.”
“Look at me.” A firm order, your eyes caught his again, only that this time you did not see Nikolai, you were looking at the King. “You do not have to compete with her or anyone else, you are my queen.” His gloved hand captured yours on the table, drawing circles on your skin with his thumb while guiding it to his chest, you could feel his heartbeat, strong and steady, “I swear to you, there is no one else, General Nazyalensky is not in my bed. You must believe me. I will do anything for you to believe me.”
“Everything but the truth.”
His heart beat faster. “What can I do to make you trust me? What do you want?”
Tears pricked your eyes, “Your attention.”
“You have it, but now I will make sure you have no doubts about it.” He closed both eyes, then swallowed, defeated. “Would it be ok with you if I paid you a visit every night, and then returned to my rooms?”
“That would be a place to start.”
“Although, the Second Army General will continue to make a brief visit afterwards.”
“Can I be there as well?”
“No.” That was definite. It amazed you how easy he changed from Nikolai to The Tsar.
“This would be easier if you told me the truth.”
An exasperated sigh left his mouth and he stood from his seat, “my word will have to do for now, myshka.”
Removing your hand from his chest, he laid a tender kiss to your knuckles before leaving the room.
***
Later that night he knocked on your door, you opened it widely and he walked all the way to the couch in front of the fireplace. “How was your day?”
You sat next to him, facing the fire, his arm extended on cushions and your shoulders. “It was alright. I have been looking for books or writings about your father’s reign but I haven’t found any.”
His gloved fingers picked a strand of your hair to toy with. “I think I can help you with that, if you’d like?”
“Please.”
“Well, umm” his gaze was lost on your hair, “what would you like to know?”
“Anything a member of your council should know.”
He thought for a minute or two, immersed in your hair, “I do not think he was a good king. All he did was send troops to borders, give power to the darkling and the apparat, I don’t think he cared for the needs of the working class.”
“And do you?”
“Of course. I’d be a fool not to, they’re the only ones who want me to keep my throne.” He gave you a lazy smile.
“Why is it different what your father did with the darkling than what you do with the triumvirate?”
He leaned back, getting more comfortable, as he weighed your question. “Because I am not relying on one person but a council of Grisha, and because they would never do the atrocities the darkling did.”
“Such as?”
“Separating families, sending children to be abused by powerful men, even to the king himself…”
“Nikolai,” you turned your whole body to face him, “that is an awful thing to say about your father.”
He released a hopeless scoff, “good thing I am not.”
Your head leaned to a side at his statement, “so it is true?”
“I am afraid so.”
“Well that is also important information for a political advisor.”
He smirked, “and to my wife.”
“I don’t think she’d care as much as Fjerda.”
“Is that a fact?” He asked playfully.
“A hundred percent.”
He leaned towards you, leaving a kiss on your temple, “That is good to know.” He mumbled against your hair.
“How was your day?”
“Awful.” He looked at the fire. “There are a bunch of people wanting to Sanctify the Darkling and my wife hates me.” He looked at you with what you guessed was some sadness in his eyes.
“I don’t think she hates you.”
The tiniest of smiles tugged at his lips, “no?”
“No. I think she is just insecure.”
“Well she shouldn’t. As a victim myself I would never inflict the pain of lies on someone else.”
“Thank you.” You whispered and his face warmed.
“Trust me, please.”
You simply nodded.
You both sat by the fire for a good while, his arm on your shoulders as you slowly dozed off.
The next morning you woke up in your bed, alone. The other side, as usual, untouched.
***
“It is not up for discussion” one of your maids had said. So now here you were, dressed in a beautiful gown, alone in the balcony while strangers celebrated your Birthday in the saloon.
The leaves on the trees had just started to fall, early signs of the upcoming autumn visible in the palace gardens. The night breeze stirred your arms, making you shiver. A warm jacket fell on your shoulders then, making you turn to find a man standing beside you.
“My apologies, moi tsaritsa. You seemed to be cold.” A tall man with dark hair said. “I am Count Anton Nerenski, your highness.”
“Thank you for your kindness, Count Nerenski.” You turned to the gardens again.
“Beautiful party, I assume that tulips are your favorite?”
Since the whole Palace was filled with them it was a fair assumption, “No. Roses are.”
“Then why haven’t I seen any?” He quipped.
You sighed, “because nobody asked me anything about this damned party.”
“If I had known roses were your favorite I would have brought you a hundred of them.”
You turned to see him, there was tenderness in his eyes, “thank you Count Nerenski.”
“Please, call me Anton.”
You smiled and he matched.
“If you don’t mind me asking, Your Highness, Where is the King?”
You sighed, unable to hide your disappointment. He left in the morning and promised to come back before the celebration, yet he had failed his promise. “He is on an important business trip.”
“And how do you feel that he is away?”
Your jaw tightened, your whole body turned to face him, “I do mind your questioning, and I am nothing but proud of the King’s work. As should you.”
“My apologies, your highness. I didn't mean to offend the King.”
“You have spent far too much time on this conversation apologizing, haven’t you?” You pressed.
He scoffed, “I have, and I am further willing to get on my knees if my queen requested so.”
A blush crept your face, understanding the nature of his intentions. “I wish for no such thing.”
“Yet,” his features softened, “but the path you are on is a lonely one, moi tsaritsa, I wish to extend you my friendship if you ever need it.”
You merely looked at him: he was a handsome man, taller than you, his eyes were the color of sapphires, and a full beard filled his face. Black hair fell to his shoulders, which were wide and built like a soldier’s. Was this how your life would be now? Men throwing themselves at you offering an affair to deal with your loneliness?
“Your beauty does not belong to a balcony, moi tsaritsa, you have not danced all night, would you like to change that?” Count Nerenski extended a hand to you.
“As caring as always Anton, but I am afraid I must steal my dashing wife’s first dance.” Nikolai’s voice took you out of your thoughts, your eyes instantly finding him. Your heart swelled on your chest at the sight of him, already taking off his First Army jacket and walking towards you. “I fear other men might try to take her for a swing, forgetting altogether that can be considered treason. Although, I would too forget protocols and loyalties at the sight of her.” Nikolai’s voice was cheerful, yet a slight treat could be found in it.
Nikolai removed Anton’s jacket from your shoulders, replacing it with his own and pressing a chaste kiss on your cheek.
Anton grabbed his jacket from Nikolai’s hand, “Your Highness” bowed towards both of you and returned to the saloon.
“My savior” you looked up to your husband.
“Would you dance with me?” He offered, his hand lingering on your waist. “I’m afraid I have to remind everyone in this Country who your husband is before they try to steal you from me.”
“Are you jealous, moi tsar?” You teased.
He huffed, “of Count Nerenski? Don’t make me laugh, dear.” His fingers tapped your waist to the rhythm of the background music.
“Then laugh.” You dared, “laugh and take the jealousy off your face.”
“I’d be jealous if you had enjoyed his company.”
“I enjoyed the warmth of his jacket.”
He scoffed, “enjoying another man's warmth, darling please just put a bullet in my head, it would wound me less”
“I am sorry, Nikolai.”
“Don’t be, unless you are actually interested in him?” There was a silent sorrow behind the question.
“I am not.”
“Then I am sorry for not arriving on time.” His gloved hand touched your cheek, you leaned to his palm. “I brought you a gift though.” From the pocket of his pants he pulled a paper and handed it to you. It was a list.
“You bought… nineteen, twentyfiv, THIRTY books?” You looked up to him to find him smiling.
“Well I could not fit them all in my pockets so I figured I’d show you the list. If you want to change them we can go to the bookstore tomorrow morning. The order sails in the afternoon to Ketterdam.”
“Nikolai” tears gathered in your eyes, touched by his present. “You didn’t have to do that, thank you.”
He placed a lock of hair behind your ear, “I might have not known you loved roses but I knew you loved books.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s go back in there and give them a nice show, shall we?”
You nodded.
He helped you get your arms through his own jacket, “such a condecorated and beautiful soldier.”
With both hands on your nape, you pulled your hair out of the jacket. “What can I say? I'm a catch.”
He smirked, “of course you are” he guided you towards him with a hand on your waist, pushing your body against his, as you both walked back to the salon.
One of Nikolai’s valets stepped in front of you. “Your Highness, it is against protocol for the Queen to wear a military uniform as it is for the King to have an incomplete one. Also please be aware of the closeness.” The man’s eyes moved between your bodies, clashed together.
“Thank you for your suggestion , Mikhail.” Nikolai pulled you towards the dance floor.
Gasps filled the room when you both bowed before the music started; the King without his jacket and said jacket on his wife’s shoulders must have been a whole show. Anxiety left your body as soon as his hands guided your waist through the waltz.
***
You left the bath in a sheer gown, your hair wet falling on your back after your usual bath post run, and found your husband waiting for you in the same spot he had taken the day before, but instead of toying with your hair, he had one of your books in his hands and his long legs stretched on the couch. At the sight of you he raised his eyes to your body, taking an embarrassing amount of time admiring you before turning away.
“I am sorry I should have-“
You grabbed a robe and pulled it on your shoulders, “that’s fine, you can look now.”
When you saw his face, a faint blush still colored his cheeks.
“How can I be of service, moi tsar?”
He rearranged himself, allowing you to sit on the other side of the couch, nervousness could still be found in him, oddly enough. “I came to ask you to join me at the council today.”
“Yes, sure, when is it?”
He looked at his watch, “In 10 minutes.”
“Oh.” You walked to your wardrobe in a rush, trying to find something to wear.
“Punctuality is important but not mandatory for a queen, myshka. Take your time.” He leaned back and returned his gaze to the book in his hands.
Without Genya or a maid to help you, you put on a dress and dried your hair as much as possible before leaving your chambers with your husband. You had never been to the war room before, and you were just as surprised to see it as the people inside were surprised to see you.
Nikolai held your hand during the entirety of the meeting, drawing circles on your skin with his thumb, what you had now identified as an anxiety tick.
Every time some decision was to be made, he turned to you and asked your opinion, every time you said you’d rather listen this time and every time he announced again you were a political genius to the group. Shy smiles could be spotted between all of them as a blush betrayed you.
Once the meeting was over and everyone had left the room, Nikolai turned to you with the brightest smile you had seen in him yet.
“Thank you.” He placed a chaste kiss on your knuckles.
“Thank you for letting me in. I have so much to learn from all of you.”
“Nonsense.” He hooked your hand on his arm, walking out of the room with you.
***
“I have been wanting to ask you something.” You said after a few minutes of silence.
He nodded, asking you to continue.
“In Ketterdam, there were some places where people had stuff and you could go in and get it for a price.”
His eyebrows furrowed, confused. “Yeah?”
“Every month, my father gave me a certain amount of money for me to be able to get whatever things I wanted.”
Nikolai tilted his head.
“And since I have been here of course I have not yet needed to buy anything, because the Palace has it all.” You started speaking faster, “But I heard there will be an art bazaar downtown and I would like to go. However I do not have any money and I was wondering if maybe you could lend me some?”
“Lend you?” His voice was firm yet confused.
“Yes”
“And how would you pay me back?”
You had not thought about it, “I could send word to my father so—“ his laugh interrupted your rant. He had bent over his stomach laughing while you stared, not sure what was so funny.
“You are the queen of Ravka!” He said between paths, “you do not need to carry money around !” He said it like a dirty word.
“I do not understand?”
He took a long breath to rearrange himself. “You can go downtown whenever you please, you get whatever you want and ask for the tab, then bring it to my valet and forget about it.”
“Oh” you blushed, suddenly ashamed of your question. “And I can do that anywhere?”
“Nearly, yes.”
Now it was your turn to smirk.
“But please measure yourself, do not bring this country to bankruptcy.” He teased.
“You should have thought about that before laughing at your queen!” You teased back.
He sighed and sank deeper into your bedroom’s couch, “either with her beauty or her boldness, but this queen of mine is gonna drive me crazy.”
***
You hugged your legs close to your torso, leaning your face against your knees, watching him as he told you yet another story of his life at Sea. By now the only thing you wish to have done before marrying him was getting to know the notorious Sturmhond.
Nikolai was so passionate about his privateer past, the way he told the tales was so detailed, you could picture them in your head and soon after you could swear you had been there. He talked about Kaz Brekker and the crows, and your mouth opened to know he knew and was friends with your father’s biggest headache, both laughing at the thought of him finding out.
“What do you desire, Nikolai?” You asked after a few minutes of silence and looking at the nostalgia on his face.
“For peace in Ravka.” A well rehearsed answer.
“I asked Nikolai, not the tsar.”
He finally looked at you, “what I desire has no consequence since I am no longer a man but a Sovereign.”
“And if you were just a man again, what would you desire?”
His shoulders dropped with a sigh, “to sleep” he stared at the fire for a long time, then asked, “what would you desire?”
“To hold your hand.”
He grabbed your hand in his, kissing your knuckles before tangling his fingers with yours.
“Without the gloves, Nikolai.”
He did not speak for a while, just looking at your hands intertwined.
“I was cursed by the darkling.”
“I have heard, Korol Rezni.”
He looked back at you with profound sadness in his eyes, “yes, which is why I can not let you see my hands.”
He dropped your hand and stood up abruptly.
“Nikolai, plea—“
“No” again, when he turned it was the Tsar. You kept your place and nodded when he said good night.
***
You had ten people around you, all of them working to get you ready for your agenda of the day. Genya was working on your hair when you realized nobody was working anymore and instead they were bowing. You turned to find Nikolai leant against the door frame, looking at you.
“Moi tsar.” You teased and returned to look at Genya.
“My beautiful wife.” He walked to your line of sight. “Busy day?”
“Yes, I will visit the primary school today.” A bright smile lightened your face.
“By yourself?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Tamar is going with me.”
“Mmmm” he contemplated for a minute, “Tolya will go as well.”
“And what about you?” As much as you appreciated his concern, he could not be left without a bodyguard.
“I’ll be right in front of him the whole time.” He smirked, “if you don’t mind of course?”
You smiled, “I’ll be honored.”
That night you were crying on the balcony when he let himself into your room. The weight of everything you had seen that day was starting to get you.
“Darling?” His voice echoed from your bedroom.
“Over here!” You cleaned your face best as you could hoping he wouldn’t notice, but failed.
“What’s wrong?” There was concern in his voice, “are you hurt?”
You scoffed, “It’s nothing, don’t worry.”
“What’s wrong?” He guided your shoulders to him, then drew your face upwards.
“What we saw today made me a little sad.”
“The school?”
You nodded.
“I don’t think I understand?” His brows furrowed. “I saw children very happy to meet their queen.”
You turned your body towards the garden again, leaning your forearms to the balcony. “I saw boys, mostly. Little girls, that started to be less and less around the age of nine.” A long sigh left your mouth, “they are not in school because they are married, Nikolai.”
“No, that’s”
“What?” You turned to him, his brows were furrowed, he was piecing together a puzzle.
“Illegal” he muttered.
“Just because it’s illegal doesn’t make it undoable.” There was hate in your voice as you said it.
“That is what illegal means.”
“It means nothing if you don’t do anything to stop it!” You tried to regain control over yourself, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. It’s just that I feel for all those girls who will never get to experience their lives because their parents sold them off to the highest bet.”
“Like you.” His voice was barely above a whisper.
Panic flooded you, “No! Nikolai, don’t! I am so very lucky to have you!” Your hands landed on his chest, as if you were trying to keep his heart inside.
There was a sad smile on his face as his hands circled yours, “I understand, I often wonder how different my life would be if I had been born a woman, I understand you are upset.”
“Every day I thank the Saints for the luck I have to be your wife, Nikolai. I swear.” You looked him deep in the eye, not a single doubt on your words. “I just grieve for those girls that did not have the luck I had to marry a kind man.”
He kissed both your hands and then held you into a tight hug. “Then good thing you are the queen of Ravka and can change things for them.” He mumbled on your hair.
***
You had taken your reading to the gardens. The Palace was just too much noise, too many people, so many whispers. You laid leaning against a tree, reading the Story of Saints again, trying desperately to distract your mind from the aura surrounding you.
You stared at the Palace from afar, how could a place so beautiful be so obsessed with finding other’s flaws? No doubt why the royals often went crazy.
“I have been looking for you” Nikolai’s voice startled you, making you drop your book from your hands to the floor. He sat next to you on the grass. “What are you doing?”
You did not turn to him, “just reading”
He took the book from the grass and gave it back to you, “Do not let me stop you.”
“Please do, I can’t even focus.”
“mmmm” His arm rounded your shoulders, “come here” You leaned your head on his chest. “Does that have anything to do with my trip to the Fold?”
“Not the trip, really.”
“The crew.”
You shrugged.
“Darling, I beg of you not to listen to that nonsense.” His hands moved up and down your arm.
“It’s not easy when people laugh around me.”
“You could have them hanged for treason, you know?”
You scoffed, “Yeah, that would make me a very beloved queen.”
He sighed, with his free hand, he guided your chin upward to face him, “Then let’s issue a statement.” There was a sassy smirk on his face.
“A statement?”
His eyes fell from your own to your lips briefly, “yeah.”
“what would it say?”
“Have dinner with me today, I’ll send Genya to your room to have you ready at 7.”
You just stared at him, not sure what to say nor what to think.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t think I can say no to you moi tsar.” a shy smile threaded on your lips.
“For the sake of my intentions I’mma say that is correct.”
After a romantic dinner in the garden, he walked you to the main saloon.
When the door opened your mouth did as well. The whole floor was filled with short little candles.
You turned to see him in awe and he merely shrugged like it was nothing. A runway leading from the door to the center was lit by larger ones, where a wide circle was also free of fire. He walked with you through it and once you were in the middle of the room, a quartet of musicians started to play a waltz.
“Would you honor me a dance?” He offered his hand and you nodded.
He grabbed your waist in a heartbeat, like if your body called to him. Your hand on his chest felt meant to be. He swayed you like a doll, like a well rehearsed play. His signature smirk was permanent on his face.
“What is this, Nikolai?” You asked, blushed.
He made you swirl and you caught servants looking from the balconies above.
He shrugged, “a statement.” He leaned to your shoulder, his lips gracing your skin, “may I?”
“I don’t think I can say no to you, can I?”
You felt him smile, “I don’t think you can, no.” He mumbled before leaving a path of chaste kisses on your exposed shoulder.
“Nikolai”
“Mmm?” He mumbled against your skin.
“What does this statement say?”
He raised his head to see you, a gilded smile on his face, “that the King of Ravka is head over heels for his wife and that he would do anything to show her how he feels.”
“And is it true?”
His forehead leaned on yours, not granting you an answer.
“Nikolai?”
“Yes?”
“Can I kiss you?”
Like it was an order, his lips found yours immediately. He guided your hand to his neck and his arms moved to circle your waist, his lips evolved into a soft, romantic kiss. He was tender, kind, his lips were begging you for more in the kindest of ways.
Your chest tightened in desire, and you could feel the thread where his control was hanging, you pulled back to regain yourself, leaning against him again.
His breath was agitated, but so was yours, he stole a short kiss and then continued his path on your shoulder.
A few waltz later, he guided you to your room. apologizing for not being able to stay any longer, He went into his chambers and soon after you heard someone else walk by.
The next morning he was gone before sunrise, but your room dawned with a bouquet of fresh roses and a goodbye note from him.
***
Protocols aside, you nearly jumped to hug him when he finally returned. You heard his chest rumble with giggles as he wrapped his arms around you, “Did you miss me, moi tsaritsa?” He whispered in your ear.
Pushing away you answered, looking up to him, “Greatly.”
His eyes were fixed on your lips, “May I kiss you? You know, so everyone sees it.”
“You may.”
He leaned down to kiss you, a soft yet needy kiss for every witness to see how much the King had missed his wife; the tenderness of a devoted husband along with the urgent need of a man. It was a display, yet your heart had not gotten the memo, since it was stomping out of your chest.
He pulled away first, his eyelashes fluttering against your brow, his breath hitching your face.
“I missed you too.” He said before kissing the top of your nose and finally taking a step back.
***
Since he returned, he made it his personal goal to kiss you whenever you were surrounded by other people, he had even said so the first time he did. You found him as you walked out of the library towards the garden, he was leaving his study with the council, and the second he saw you his hands cradled your face and kissed you briefly, for then tilt his head sideways and deepen the kiss. When he pulled away you saw everyone around you was flushed and trying to look away, except for Genya who had a genuine smile on her face. Nikolai then winked at you, and continued his path.
***
When he was focused he would not even look at you. Sitting on his desk and with a thousand papers in front of him, his eyes were reading page after page, immersed in paperwork about the year expenses and needs, you knew this was your chance.
You walked to his desk, until your thighs graced his forearms. Almost instinctively, his hand landed near your hip.
“Yes, love?” He asked, not raising his eyes.
“Nikolai, could you please sign this?” You put the paper in front of him, without hesitation he drew a signature on the bottom of the page and continued his reading.
You bent down and kissed his cheek then started your path out of his office.
“Darling” he called when you were near the door.
“Yes?” You turned with feigned innocence on your face.
“What did I sign?” There was a small smirk on his lips and light amusement in his eyes.
You smiled playfully, “A law.”
“Oh?” His smirk grew. “About what?”
You returned to his side and gave him the paper, he took it with a playful smirk and read it.
“Mandatory school for girls?” He looked up to you.
You nodded.
He stood from his chair, taking you in his arms. He smelled like woods, like sea, like fire, like freedom and class, like a prince from a fairytale. your arms wrapped around his waist briefly before he let you go. “Please see it published first thing in the morning.”
He sat again but his gaze remained fixed on you, a mix of admiration and fondness emanating from him. “And please keep doing this.”
“That you can be certain of.”
“Darling” his hand hovered above your knee, he was not touching you but you could feel the warmth of his skin even through the gloves and the heavy fabric of your dress. He looked up tenderly, “I have plenty of work to catch up tonight, I’d recommend you to get some sleep, I don’t think I can join you today.”
“I understand.” You bit your lower lip and turned to leave the room.
“Think of how you want me to make it up to you.”
You turned to see him again, there was a boyish smirk on his face, and you matched with your own. “I already know.”
“And what do you want, moi tsaritsa?”
“I want you to take me on a date outside the Palace, I want to see Ravka.”
His brows lifted in surprise, a shadow crossed his face.
“Have I offended you in any way?”
He sighed, leaning back on his chair, “not in the slightest. I find it disappointing that I have not done my job courting you properly and I apologize for that.”
“A king does not need to court, your highness.” You teased.
“Not out of need, but of desire. The day I met you I promised you we would make this work, I intended to make it so by courting you and hopefully making you fall in love with me, and look at us: you have to beg me to spend time with you.”
You walked to his desk, a playful smile on your face, “I have not begged yet.”
That brought a slight blush to his cheeks. He placed both elbows on the desk, his gaze intensifying on you “and I am certain you’d look delightful but if I am to make you beg it won’t be for time.” Now it was your turn to blush. “I will take you out on a date, the day after tomorrow. I’ll send you something to wear.”
“You already know where we are going?”
His smirk deepend, “I always have.”
You bit your lower lip to hide your smile and nodded once before leaving the room.
For about fifteen minutes you considered going to Tolya since you felt your heart was leaving your chest right away.
***
Nikolai spent the day submerged in meetings, from one room to another, you heard people passing by all day as you were in the library, which is why you were not expecting him that night. You guessed he was either too tired or still too busy to come to your rooms, and given you were almost certain your hand was injured from all the writing you had done, you made yourself comfortable and dipped your strained hand in a bucket of warm water. That’s how he found you, sitting on the couch, in your spot, with your hand up to the elbow in water while you calmly looked at the fire.
“Are you alright?”
You turned to him with surprise on your face, “Nikolai”
He walked to you, looking at your hand, then repeated himself, “are you alright?”
“Yes, it’s just that I wrote too much today.”
He grabbed a towel and sat next to you, taking your hand out the water and drying it before massaging it softly. “Was it another Law?” With a raised brow he lifted his gaze to you.
You merely shrugged.
“I appreciate your service but not to this point, myshka. Your wellbeing is this country’s priority, do not forget that.”
You pouted at his scorn, leaning against his shoulder. “How was your day?” Your voice was dipping in tenderness.
He sighed, “exhausting” he kissed your hand before extending an arm on your shoulders, you rearranged yourself on his chest. “As much as I wanted to come home to read in the gardens with my wife, a lot happened while I was away that required my attention.”
“Your wife requires your attention as well.”
A dark smirk formed on his lips, “she does?” He shifted, from being relaxed against the couch to sitting straight with his body angled towards yours, a hunter lurking his prey, “And how can I oblige to her needs?”
“Take a wild guess”
“I fear I might take one that turns out to be too wild.” His gaze was fixed on your lips.
“And?”
“Might scare you off”
“Impossible”
He let out a scoff, “Sturmhond would say that you mean improbable.”
“Oh? I wonder what the notorious privateer would do in this situation?” You teased.
An amused sigh left his mouth, “things that are far too scandalous to be even mentioned in front of a queen.”
“I’d suggest not to say them and just do them, then.”
“Even worse.”
“Ummm” you feigned deception, “too bad, I would have loved to meet the guy. I heard he has quite a reputation.”
“Really?” Nikolai’s ego shone through his smile.
“Oh, yes. I’d like to know if what I have heard turns out to be true.” You laid on your back, him following closely.
“And what have you heard?”
“Things that are far too scandalous to be even mentioned in front of a King.”
He was practically on top of you know, his lips roaming yours.
“Then it is probably true.” He was practically on top of you now, his face millimeters above yours. “Please tell me what you want, love.” A jolt of honesty and vulnerability dominated his eyes, pulling the lust and desire away to accommodate your needs first.
“You, Nikolai.”
“Nobody is watching now.”
It screwed your brains that he might think you only wanted him when you could be seen. One of your brows lifted in a challenge, “Then do your worst.”
His lips crashed against yours, but this time his tempo was slow and cautious, not a hint of urgency and need, but a patient lover with all the time in the world. Your hands rounded his neck and his’ supported him while cradling your face.
His legs moved in between yours, applying light pressure in your core with his hips, earning a muffled moan from your lips. He pulled away, his eyes dark with desire and mouth open with adoration. “Tell me what you want”
“I can not move further without the touch of your hand, Nikolai, please.”
A half smile crossed his lips, “you truly are a delight begging” his sight roamed your face, “close your eyes” a firm order, you obliged.
Rough and cold fingers wrapped around your hand, lifting it over your head, while the other set touched your face lightly, you could feel all calluses and scars roaming your cheek, then your neck, and after a brief lack of touch, climbing up your ankle.
“Nikolai” you moaned.
“Shh” he let go of your hand to touch your lips with his thumb, “you’re so soft” you could hear him near, the pressure on your core harder every second. He pushed his thumb in your mouth, a weird taste of charcoal in your tongue as you licked it, he groaned in your ear, “can’t wait to feel more of you” his hand finally stopped on your hip, pulling his thumb out and resuming his kiss. His hands were still cold, but somehow made you feel even warmer.
He was toying with your undergarments, cold fingers stretching the soft fabric and touching all around, except where you needed him the most. You wondered how it might be, cold fingers against your hot core, and it made you dizzier.
It was becoming too much: the warmth of the chimney, his body on top of you and the coldness of his hands. You wanted to scream, to beg him to please take you now, but you could only continue under his torturous pace, kissing him back, your hands roaming his chest and making a mess of his hair, pulling his curls out of its perfect place. A gentle tug of his hair earned you a groan, which nearly pushed you off the edge.
“Can I take these off?” He tugged your undergarments, panting.
“Yes.”
“Beg” he said in your ear.
“Nikolai, please.”
“That is not begging.”
“Nikolai, I beg you to take them off.”
“That’s my girl” he bit your ear while pulling the fabric.
A loud knock made you open your eyes abruptly to see him hide his hands from your sight “close your eyes” he instructed.
You heard the sound of fabric, steps and a door open. “Nikolai” General Nazyalensky’s voice filled the room, “We received correspondence from the Termite, there are Fjerdan troops marching south. The council is waiting for you in the war room.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes”
The door closed and he was back in your eyesight. He sat between your legs again, admiring you for a minute.
“Care to continue?” You teased.
“We’ll have to put a raincheck on that” He said and you blushed at his blunt rejection, turning your face away from him. Suddenly he was on top of you again, his now gloved hands guiding your face towards his’, “because I only have a couple minutes and with you I need so much more than that, myshka.” He kissed you deeply again, it felt like a natural thing now. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning for our date.” He stood up, extending a hand to help you do the same. You took it.
“Don’t you have a war to attend?”
“It will have to wait for another day.” With that he kissed you again before rearranging himself and leaving with a flirty wink.
***
The smell of flowers woke you up. When your eyes opened you realized your room was filled with roses of all colors. On every surface of the room there was a thick bouquet and on the nightstand a note that read
I am not sure if they are a hundred, but I brought you all the roses of Ravka.
-Nik.
There were more than a hundred, for sure. You stood on your tiptoes, careful not to kick any, as you inspected every single vase, each one had a card sending you regards from the flower shop, each of them further away than the other. How had Nikolai gathered them all this morning, you had no clue.
Minutes later one of Nikolai’s valets left a box with clothes in it. After you changed into them, a plain white shirt, trousers and boots, you met your husband in the dais of the main stairs.
“Dashing as ever” His signature smirk greeted you.
His outfit was similar to yours, way too simple for a king. He escorted you out and towards the lake, where you found a ship.
“Am I meeting Sturmhond today?” You asked with a smile.
“Maybe”
He helped you on the ship, and after putting on a green jacket, he instructed the squallers as the ship caught the air and rose.
A gasp left your mouth in terror and your husband was at your side in an instant, holding you close to him. For a while there was only him, your face buried on his chest, his smell grounding you. Then everything was calm again, and softly he pulled away and guided you to the bow, one hand on your waist and one on the railing.
“You wanted to see Ravka… I thought to show you your whole kingdom.”
Out of words, you explored the frozen woods of the North and the border with Fjerda; the vastness of the city of Os Alta, the desert on what used to be the Fold, all the cultures and colors of the southern cities, the clarity of the shore. All the while Nikolai whispered stories in your ear, his chest pressed against your back and his hands on your waist.
You ate at Os Kervo, where you both had to be tailored to go undercover, his now ginger hair bouncing free.
You stood on the docks, looking at the sea.
“Missing home?” His chin leaned against your shoulder.
“You are my home now, Nikolai.”
He turned you and kissed you fiercely. There, in the docks of Os Kervo, tailored away from your royal faces, you were just two idiots in love. No protocols to respect or whispers to feed; just two lovers intertwined, hypnotized by their most animalistic needs of each other. Sturmhond took risks Nikolai wouldn’t; like pulling your hair and letting his fingers dig your skin, biting your lips and tasting your tongue, he pulled muffled moans out of you like a child takes cookies out of a jar. Your knees buckled, but his strong arms were there to hold you and continue his quest. When he was done, he leaned your foreheads together, gasping for air.
“Such a conqueror” you whispered, panting.
“And I am not done yet.” His threat made your legs weak again.
You barely kept your hands off each other on the way back, but your control was completely lost as soon as you arrived at the Palace.
Your legs were on his hips, and his hands supporting them as you both walked in, the welcoming party waiting for you quickly dissipated as he carried you up the stairs and to your bedroom.
He pushed you against the wall, and once the door was closed and secured, he carried you to the bed.
“Careful with my roses” you teased.
“I’ll plant you a whole new garden”
His body was pressed on yours, both of you working on taking your clothes off. You pushed him making land on his back, straddling him, his naked torso to your bare chest.
“No objection to that” a lopsided grin on his face
You took his hands, touching the fabric of his gloves, your eyes kindly asking for permission. His breath was ragged when he nodded.
Softly, you pulled the fabric from each finger, making them loose enough to pull out the right hand first. His eyes were closed, defeated, ashamed, as you completely removed both gloves. You laid a wet kiss on each one before kissing his palms and then moved to intertwine your fingers to his. They were black and cold, different, for sure, but not worth hiding and definitely better than those stupid gloves.
“Nikolai”
“Mmm” his eyes remained closed, his chest to yours while you sat on his lap.
“touch me”
“I don’t want the darkling’s curse on you.”
“Please”
“Are you not” he swallowed, “disgusted?”
“Not in the slightest”
He finally touched your face, his palm on your cheek felt cold but you leaned to his touch nonetheless.
“Does your night visitator have anything to do with this?”
Nikolai’s head fell forward in shame, “yes”
He remained silent as you pampered his face with kisses, falling back on the bed but now with a defeated aura.
“The darkling turned me into a monster”
“Don’t say that” your head was on his chest, your whole body wrapped on his.
“I wish this was a theatricality, love” You looked at him tenderly. “He literally turned me into a monster, Alina saved me or so I believed, when she destroyed the Fold. But the monster is still in me, it comes back at night sometimes. That is why Zoya chains me to bed every night.”
Your gasp broke his heart in a million pieces.
“That is why I do not sleep with you, I am afraid I might hurt you, kill you, while I am that damned monster.”
You took his hands and guided them to your waist, the cold of his fingers giving you chills. Softly, you left a trail of wet kisses on his ear, his neck, until he undoubtedly lost himself in you again.
The weight of his arm on your waist dulled you to the deepest, coziest sleep you have ever had, until a metallic clac woke you up. There was a slim figure standing on the foot of your bed, as you blinked the darkness away you realized it was Zoya toying with a set of keys. Her beautiful face was pursed, at least she was not enjoying this.
“I am sorry, I must take Nikolai to his rooms.” She whispered.
Nikolai moved next to you, his fingers wrapping on your waist as he laid sleepy kisses on your shoulder. “Mmmm?” He mumbled deep in sleep.
“He is asleep, he won’t turn into a monster tonight.”
“We do not know that, Your Majesty.”
“Zoya?” Nikolai asked, blinking.
“I will be waiting in your rooms, Nikolai.” She turned to you, “good night, moi tsaritsa.”
“I’ll go with you.” You turned to him.
Your husband got to his feet, buttoning his shirt, “No.”
“Nikolai”
He kissed your forehead and left.
***
Nikolai knocked on your door every night for five nights, not a single one you opened.
***
“I know we are not on speaking terms” Nikolai spoke from the other side of the desk where you had spent your afternoon.
You did not look up to him.
“But I have a gift for you.”
You raised your eyes to him, sneering.
“Ouch”
“A gift does not change anything, Nikolai.”
“I do not expect it to.”
You raised one eyebrow, insting him to continue.
He flexed his fingers and a man carrying a machine entered, placing the machine in front of you. It took you a few minutes to see it: it had … buttons? with the alphabet, although it was not in order. It had two rollers behind the alphabet and a paper sheet in between.
“It is a typing machine” he leaned near you to explain, “you can use this to type the laws instead of writing them down by hand and hurting yourself.”
Your eyes were glued on the machine. “Where did you get it?”
“I built it”
You raised your eyes to him again, but this time they were filled with wonder and admiration. “Thank you.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt, love” he said looking at the machine, but you knew he wasn’t referring only to it, “everything I do, I do it aiming for that.”
With that, he left the library, leaving you and your typing machine alone.
***
That night he knocked on your door once again, but this time you opened, leaning against the frame, opening just enough for your body to fit.
“Yes, Moi Tsar?”
“I…” he swallowed, “was wondering if I could join you for a moment?”
“You can join me for the night or not at all.”
His eyes closed in annoyance, “love you are taking this too far now”
“Am I? Or am I merely demanding my husband to trust me half as much as he trusts his soldiers?”
He faced the floor, exasperated. “As much as I hate to say this: they are replaceable. You are not.”
A scoff, “I’ll make you wish I was, Nikolai.”
With that you closed the door on his face.