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"I am sorry about last time, GL." Said Superman to Green Lantern after asking him to stay behind after the members of the League, except them and Batman, started to leave the Hall after their meeting about Batman's plan to improve the protocols of the Watchtower's system. A couple of weeks ago, Hal Jordan asked Clark if they could swap their monitoring turns, but Superman very apologetically said no due to 'personal commitments'. That usually meant going to Smallville to visit Mrs Kent, eat apple pie, and fix the tractor.
Hal had been cool with that, but it seemed that Superman had been mustering some remorse for not helping a friend in need. Always the Boy Scout.
"All good, Supes, no need to apologise about that. How's Mrs Kent, anyway? All good back in Kansas?"
"Well, I didn't go to see Ma." Shyly admitted Superman, trying to hide his blushing cheeks scratching his perfect chin. "Actually, I had a date."
Superman - Clark Kent, Kal-El, the Man of Steel - had had a date, and Hal made a titanic effort not to hit the floor with his jaw.
Among the Leaguer members, certain irrefutable truths were universally acknowledged about the heroic Kryptonian: That Superman was drop-death gorgeous, that his heart of gold was as big as his biceps, and that he had been pining for Batman since the beginning of time.
Batman. The Dark Knight. Vengeance. 'I am the Night'.
That Batman.
Hal kind of gets it.
Batman was a billionaire with a bottomless wallet supporting a functional Watchtower in space. He was the definition of a DILF – a forty-five-year-old man with dozens of kids and two full-time jobs shouldn't look that hot – and he was badass. And no, Hal will never admit that even if Wonder Woman were choking him with the Lasso of Truth. The problem came when he opened his mouth.
Bruce Wayne was an obtuse, uptight, control freak, pedantic, emotionally constipated, and insufferable smartass who had disregarded Clark's growing – and painfully obvious - hopeless infatuation for years.
The same asshole ignoring a conversation happening right behind him, apparently too busy updating the Watchtower's Control System to acknowledge his teammates' existence out of his 9 to 5 shift.
And now the League's golden retriever in spandex was finally moving on from pinning for that prick?
Good for him.
"That's great, Supes! First date?" Hal couldn't help but smile when the Man of Steel timidly nodded. "Where did he take you out? Somewhere real nice I hope." Because Jordan was sure that Clark hadn't made the first move to walk away from his crush on Mr Dark, Tall, and Spooky.
He was happy for his friend but honestly, Spooky inconspicuously uncrossing and recrossing his legs pretending that he was not following the conversation was hilarious.
"This is kind of new for us, so he thought that it would be better to have a more private type of date," Sheepishly explained Clark, nervously fumbling with his hands the more he told Hal about his date. "He invited me to his place and cooked for me. I had never had a candlelight dinner before. And a full-course meal! I told him there was no need, but he asked me to get Ma's recipe book to cook my favourite dishes next time. He even pulled my chair and poured us wine. We had a great time, and he was a gentleman." Recounted the 6'4" man, sighing like a lovesick puppy.
From the corner of his eye, Green Lantern saw Wayne's jaw and neck muscles tightening. He could feel the sweltering glare behind those white lenses burning holes into the computer's monitor while his fingers flew all over the keyboards.
This was the equivalent of a mortified Batman covering his ears with his hands and singing aloud to block an uncomfortable conversation irking his nerves. Hal Jordan leaned towards Clark in a secretive fashion, glancing at Batman with a mischievous smirk.
"A full-course meal? Really? At his place?" Graciously inquired Hal, not at all innocently. "So for dessert, you had a big, juicy dic…"
"Lantern." Abruptly interrupted Batman, his voice all stern and poised, finally facing his two teammates. "Next time you have issues with the monitoring schedule you should contact me first, as I am in charge of the monitoring roster. There is no need to bother the rest of the team if you can't take care of your responsibilities. We can always schedule some time management training courses if necessary."
And with, Batman gracefully spun his chair back in place, right back to work on the security codes.
The man was an infuriating asshole.
"Anyway, I just wanted to clear the air and ensure that there weren't hard feelings between us." Clark awkwardly offered as an end to their conversation, his head tilted in confusion, yet too polite to ask. God bless his pure heart. "See you next meeting then."
"See you then and keep eating good!" Yelled Green Lantern over his shoulder on his way to the Zeta Tubes, grinning like a madman.
Hal Jordan considered it a victory when the Zeta Tube opened on the smelliest, dirtiest alleyway in all Coast City.
Batman was pissed.
Good for him.
"The enemy is trying to escape through those rose bushes." Reported Wonder Woman while blocking a whip made of thorns with her bracelets, momentarily stunned by the impact, her eyes set on the purple stems turning and crawling away.
"Peonies." It was what the Justice League heard on their comms in the middle of their fight with a giant alien plant with three carnivore heads that was trying to destroy Star City's Botanical Garden.
"Pardon?" Valiantly asked Wonder Woman when no one dared to follow up.
"Those are peonies." Clarified Superman after a self-conscious clearing of his throat. "The roses are on the other side, which means the plant is moving east, not west." Justified Superman, his voice getting thinner and thinner with each word. It was evident that he had spoken before thinking. He had a point nether less. Diana did not dwell on that and rectified her observation. The plant was, indeed, moving east.
"Thank you, Superman." Replied Wonder Woman back into battle mode. "The main body is moving east. Towards the peonies."
"Since when are you a flower expert?" Asked Flash bewildered, his raised voice ringing through the comms.
"Wonder Woman, Superman, go east and follow it." Cut Batman's gravel voice, one octave away from open exasperation, assuming they will be back on track after his command.
Wrong.
"They look like roses to me." Mustered Aquaman under his breath, ignoring Batman's growl, a little too invested in a side quest for a man chopping the roots of a feral alien monster with a seven-foot-long trident.
"Yeah, that's what I mean." Reiterated Flash, eager to discuss this mystery with a fellow conspiracy theorist. "They look the same to me. Are you moonlighting as a florist or something?"
Superman's chuckle sounded embarrassed, his shy voice barely above the sizzling sound of the alien plant's flesh being burnt by his lasers.
"I am not an expert or anything like that." Humbly explained the Man of Steel before continuing. "My boyfriend likes to send me flowers weekly. I just picked a thing or two.
The sharp and dramatic intake of air could only come from the Flash.
"Your boyfriend sends you flowers every week?" Repeated Barry Allen in awe due to both disbelief and excitement.
"Yes… well… I like flowers, but guys like me --" Flash assumed men build like a brick house. "--rarely get them as presents. I guess I got a little carried away talking about that last-minute assignment about the international flower arrangement exhibition I took because Cat Grant told me about her pollen allergy. He has an amazing taste in flowers. Did you know that there is a flower language? It isn't like plants can really talk – maybe alien flowers can? Gosh, I wish this one could so we could sit down and discuss its anger issues - but about how different flowers have different meanings. He always adds a card with the translation in English for me. He is so smart!"
Barry was amazed. Superman's boyfriend was well-versed in flower language and was sending romantic messages through flower bouquets to his lover every week. Wow.
Everybody knew that Clark was dating but kept it low profile, so this was a golden opportunity to gain information about the mysterious boyfriend. No, he was not a gossip, it was completely out of concern about his friend's choice of romantic partners.
"Where does he work again? Flowers are so expensive. I cry every Valentine's Day when buying flowers for Iris."
"In finance?" Murmured a very flustered Clark, probably just now realising that the whole League was listening to him rambling about his boyfriend, yet too well-mannered to ignore a direct question from his friend and teammate.
Barry was thrilled. His Kryptonian friend was a great man and an amazing friend, and he deserved a good partner. If Batman was hearing all about how he lost his chance to be with the Superman for being too up to his ass to acknowledge Clark's longing and wishful stares, that was Batman's problem.
"Someone has a certain other someone wrapped around his indestructible little finger." Sing-sang Flash.
"God, his man is a simp." Mustered Green Lantern, low enough to pass as trying to be discreet despite the amused grin in his tone.
"Flash." Batman's commanding voice booming in the comms made West straighten his back like a chastised child. "I think we need to step up your training program if you can keep up with the chit-chatting while helping us get rid of this plant that had been trying to eat us all for 7.5 hours." Considered Bruce aloud, his voice full of sarcasm and irritation
The silence on the comms was deafening, and Barry felt a cold sweat sliding from his forehead. He did not break a sweat fighting a giant carnivore alien plant with three heads, but Batman was terrifying.
How Clark Kent, a man made of rainbows and unicorns, had had an unrequited crush on the big bad Bat, was beyond Barry's comprehension.
"B, I got a visual of its internal core." Interrupted Superman, saving Flash's ass last minute like the angel he was. "I think I can tear the flesh with my laser vision to reach it, but I would need someone to pierce it.
"Got it." Said Batman, the sound of wind and explosions following his words. "Everybody go and cover the area to minimise collateral damage. Give me your best shot, Superman."
"Roger that!"
The visual of Batman swinging towards the angry creature, flawlessly landing on it and hitting the mark on the first try, made Flash vibrate.
The explosion was spectacular, with its tall flames illuminating the night, yet perfectly contained around the ferocious alien.
The Dark Knight walked away from the burning Hell behind him, his black armoured figure and fluttering long cape cutting an ominous figure.
Batman was so cool.
"Watchtower tomorrow, 5 am sharp." Barked Batman to Flash, his white lenses thinning, daring Barry to refuse. "Let's see how much we can improve your performance."
Gotham's vigilante turned around with a flare of his cape, ready to start assessing the damages and reminding everyone they needed to fill their mission reports by tomorrow. No excuses. No delays. I should not have to repeat myself after every mission. Yes, I am talking to you, Lantern.
Barry Allen sighed, already dreading the next day.
Thank God Clark found a whipped boyfriend instead of still pinning for the scary Bat.
"A teddy bear." Repeated Green Arrow calmly, rounding every word carefully, unsure of his hearing.
"Yep." Had been Superman's quirky reply, all smiles and sincere big blue eyes.
Okay, his hearing was perfect. He had even heard that ending 'p'.
They were at the Watchtower's cafeteria enjoying a coffee while waiting for the League's meeting to start. Superman had finished his monitoring shift and Green Arrow was returning from a mission.
Dinah's birthday was coming soon, and Oliver had been churning about what gift he should buy for his wife. Clark was one of the League members he was closest to – and his mysterious boyfriend was gaining fame among them for his grand romantic gestures - so he decided to give it a shot and ask.
"Your most perfect gift was a teddy bear."
"Absolutely." Affirmed Clark with unwavering conviction. "It has been one of the most amazing things my boyfriend has ever given me." Confessed the Kryptonian, beaming with the force of a thousand suns.
Oliver had to shade his eyes from the brightness.
"Uh." Eloquently said Green Arrow. "That was… unexpected."
"What are you two talking about so secretively?" Teased Green Lantern from the entrance, immediately going towards the coffee machine, not caring too much about their answer.
He wasn't a gossip like Barry.
"Teddy bears." Offered Oliver Queen to a baffled Galactic Guardian. "Apparently, a teddy bear has been the greatest gift Clark has received from his boyfriend."
Clark Kent emphatically nodded, as if he needed to confirm that statement. Maybe he needed it because GL had questions.
"Care to elaborate on why?"
The Man of Steele got serious, gesturing at pushing his glasses up to his nose as if he was wearing his civilian clothes.
"Have you seen those carnival games where you have to shoot at these little ducks or throw rings at a target to gain a price?"
Queen and Jordan nodded, intrigued as to where this story was going.
"I used to go to these carnivals with my friends when I was younger." Clark's unreal blue eyes were full of tender reminiscence. "Those games were really popular. Everybody was trying to show off and win one of those teddies for their girlfriends or to gift the person they fancied. The bigger the toy, the better."
Superman's handsome face turned into a melancholic one, and his coffee mug became the most interesting thing inside a literal space station.
"I hadn't gained full control of my powers by then, so I never tried them. Trying to hide that I was an alien in a small town's high school didn't make me particularly popular either."
Oliver and Hal were ready to ask for Clark's yearbook to go and kick some assess, but Clark's sad demure was a more important matter to take care of right now.
"How is the teddy bear you got? Asked Oliver, smiling when Clark's expression swiftly changed into a delighted one.
"Oh, the teddy is so cute! He is brown, about this big so I can hug him with my legs too and he has the softest fur I have ever touched." Enlisted Clark enthusiastically, happy to share how amazing his plush toy was. "My boyfriend ordered him a customised costume. It's adorable. Did you know you can make your teddy say something when you press their paws? I was flabbergasted when I found out, let me tell you. My boyfriend has such an amazing, sexy voice…"
Clark did not finish his sentence. Instead, he turned to stare at the distance with a besotted expression, probably searching for his lover thousands of kilometres down on Earth.
Green Arrow and Lantern were flabbergasted indeed but for completely different reasons.
"Come again?" Ventured Hal, trying not to stare too hard at their resident Kryptonian.
"Yes." Continued Clark as if he hadn't paused the conversation mid-sentence, oblivious to his friends' puzzled expressions. "He wishes me a good night and sweet dreams every time I press his paw. I thought that he was going to run out of battery with how much I played the message, but my boyfriend assured me that Pookie was solar-powered. Very eco-friendly."
"Pookie." Mustered Hal glancing at Oliver, who shrugged and moved his hands around wildly.
At least, GL was not the only one confused by every new piece of information.
"My teddy's name." Confirmed Clark with a tilted head, a dark curl bouncing on his forehead. "I named him after my boyfriend, of course."
"Of course." Murmured Green Lantern and Arrow in unison.
Clark kept smiling, showing those perfect dimples, genuinely smitten by the cheesiest gift ever given to a human being. Or alien, of course.
"Holy crap." Whispered Hal to himself, gaping at the Man of Tomorrow. "Supes' man is really a goner after tasting Kryptonian coc..."
"Lantern. Arrow."
Said men jumped out of their skin and their chairs, landing on their assesses before turning around to see Batman – wry frown turning his huge body covered in Kevlar into an impenetrable wall - and Aquaman – crouching behind the League's strategist to cover his amused giggling – standing at the cafeteria's entrance.
"The meeting will start now if you two can spare us a moment. After finishing your coffee, of course. No rush." Curtly informed Batman, his mouth twitching with utter displease.
Superman, of course, chuckled good-humoured, as if Batman had said the funniest thing ever. Clark swore that the brooding bat had an endearing sense of humour. No, the snarling was not a tactic to terrorise everyone around him. It was just that his sense of humour was a tat dry.
As dry as the fucking desert, in Hal's humble opinion.
"Thank you for the remainder, B." Intervened Clark, their 'League Approved Batman Whisperer'. "I am afraid I got too animated with the topic of our conversation and I did not realise the time. I am sorry. B. Sorry guys."
The blinding shine of Clark's undiluted happiness must have stunned even darkness himself because Batman was deemed speechless for a hot minute.
"Apology accepted." Replied Wayne after forcefully aborting a dazed blinking. The Dark Night tightly crossed his arms over his chest, his muscles bulging under the sheer effort to contain his stubborn repression. "Conference room. Go."
"Yes, B. Thank you, B."
The Dark Knight – chatterbox Brucie Wayne – grunted, rigidly turning and marching towards the conference room.
"Someone got his panties on a twist." Grinned Aquaman, wigging his brows at Hal Jordan in mutual understanding.
"Oh, he is absolutely regretting not twisting someone else's panties." Smirked Hal, gloating in the gothamite's misery.
"He is mad for sure." Offered his two cents Oliver with a tired shake of his head.
Bruce Wayne was one of Oliver Queen's oldest friends. They had known each other since childhood and, although Queen cherished their friendship, he was painfully aware of Bruce's shortcomings.
Bruce was freakishly smart, but his delivery always came as harsh and patronising. He was protective of his loved ones but showed his caring with micro-managing and overbearing. He was kind and compassionate, but his perpetual resting-bitch face and detached aura made it impossible to come closer. He was strong-willed, but he didn't know when to stop before his tenacity became bull-headed stubbornness.
Overall Bruce was a good man, but emotionally stunned and used to disregard his own feelings and emotions, making him incapable of recognising other people's feelings and emotions. Queen still felt like pulling his hair and wailing in despair remembering his friend's judging grimace when Oliver cornered him during one of those 'billionaires only' galas to talk about Clark's awfully hidden crush on Bruce.
Bruce had squinted his inquisitive blue eyes at Queen as if the archer needed to visit Arkham, chugging his champagne and laughing in a mid-panicked, bordering maniacally way, just to run away and voluntarily join the most obnoxious circle of guests.
Wayne kept throwing disbelieving glares at him for the rest of the night, seemingly uneasy enough about Oliver's mental state to feel the need to keep an eye on him.
World's Greatest Detective my ass.
Batman did not acknowledge their conversation again, pointily ignoring the subject with unshakable determination. Oliver didn't see the point of bringing up how Superman was never at the end of any of his snarky comments and annoyed scowls.
Bruce had fumbled his chance so badly that it made Oliver physically cringe.
"You think Batman got that mad at me?" Asked a very concerned Superman when he saw the archer shivering and grimacing.
"No, Clark. You know who he gets when something does not go as planned." Quickly dismissed Green Arrow with a flourish. "Let's go to the conference room before he gets an aneurysm, shall we?"
"New pet?" Asked Diana Prince during their break.
The Justice League was part of an UN peace conference. They were currently resting after hours of tense negotiations and getting ready for more. The Princess of Themyscira was getting a headache.
No wonder why Superman was spread on the couch scrolling pictures of puppies on this phone.
"My apartment building doesn't allow pets." Clarified Superman, turning his screen towards his friend to let her see more clearly. "I would love to have a dog, but with our busy schedule--" Diana nodded, aware of the hectic life of a superhero with a civil job on top of it.
"I had pets at the farm." Continued Superman, always happy to bond with his friends over cute personal stories. "My Ma currently has two cats living in the barn, and I love to pet them when I visit, but I miss having a dog. I love how playful and energetic they are. Dogs are the best."
Wonder Woman was not surprised that Superman was a dog person.
"I am afraid I have to disagree. Cats are majestic creatures of great character and dignity."
"As expected from a literal Princess." Interrupted Green Lantern with a smirk, winking at Diana and landing by Clark's other side with a puff. "Where did you get the puppy then? Are you saving puppies from trees now, Supes?"
"I wish." Replied Clark with a pout too cute for a man in his later thirties. "My boyfriend arranged for us to volunteer at the animal shelter to help them take the dogs to the doggy park."
"Your boyfriend got you a playdate… with puppies." Green Lantern glanced at the rest of the team behind them, particularly looking for a certain Dark Knight looming like a caged predator. Oh, this was amazing.
"Yes!" And Superman almost clapped like an adorably oversized seal in his enthusiasm. "They don't have enough volunteers to take the dogs for a walk and exercise regularly. Isn't that a shame? They were happy being able to stretch their legs and run around the park to their hearts' content. Let me show you some more pictures. I have a hundred!"
Indeed, Clark's memory card was full of cute dogs and a happy Clark. Not a sign of his mysterious boyfriend in any of them.
"He was the one taking the pictures." Explained Clark with an enamoured smile. "He is not very into animals. He just waited on a bench taking pictures for me. I had my hands full of my furry pals to do it myself. I was also a little worried about them chewing on my phone, to be honest. They were all very good boys and girls, just a little too enthusiastic."
Wonder Woman was rarely petty, but Batman's petulant display of sitting on the farthest chair away from them did it for her. Batman had no right to try putting a damper on Clark's cheerfulness after overlooking the man's feelings so callously.
"That was very thoughtful of him, Superman." Offered Diana sincerely. "He seems to cherish you a lot. A caring and patient man, indeed."
"I got him a thermos with hot cocoa and a muffin to munch while he waited." Quickly said Clark, not wanting to seem uncaring. "He deny it, but I suspect that he was having fun sneakily taking awful pictures of me being licked by a chihuahua. I guess everybody has their way of having fun. Human diversity is amazing."
"I guess so. Being stomped by dogs is not exactly my ideal date." Laughed Wonder Woman, amused by how Clark's tender heart always found the best in everyone.
"One of our best dates." Affirmed Superman with a cute grin. "Good thing I am super strong, because being tackled and bounced on for hours nonstop was certainly a challenge."
"Oh, I am sure it was." Snickered Green Lantern, feeling Batman's glare burning a hole behind his head. "I am pretty sure your man had a blast bouncing on a fat, thick dic.."
"They are calling us back." Rudely interrupted Batman, standing up suddenly, visibly restraining himself from kicking his chair through the air. "Now."
Batman's heavy boots stomped out of the room, the tension on his neck close to popping a vessel. Diana sighed, rounding up the remaining League members to go back to work.
Wonder Woman and Batman were close. They were part of the founding members. They had lived through one too many life-or-death situations to be intimidated by each other's bullshit. And by Hera, Bruce Wayne was full of it.
Batman was a force to recon, unstoppable in the face of adversity and the impossible and yet, he seemed afraid to allow himself a hint of happiness. Diana wasn't stupid. She had seen Batman's subtle deference toward the Man of Steel. He was kinder with him. More understanding. He worked best when Superman was his partner, like a match made in Heaven.
The amazonian had witnessed Batman's tiny little pull on the corner of his mouth when Clark happily giggled what Diana belatedly caught as an attempt of a joke. Batman's definition of a joke. How had no one realised that Superman was part of the extremely small group of people allowed to lay a friendly hand on Gotham's fierce vigilante's arm without losing it?
If Superman had been pinning for Batman before, now Batman was constantly snapping every time Clark shared one of his boyfriend's over-the-top romantic gestures.
Too little, too late, my friend.
Lex Luthor was wreaking havoc in the middle of Metropolis on a random Tuesday. Why? Go figure.
Maybe he was feeling like smashing some buildings with his powered Exo-Suit. It was the end of the fiscal year, and Bruce felt particularly murderous after dealing with that for days. It was hard to blame Lex for throwing a tantrum in the middle of Metropolis on a random Tuesday.
Anyway. The innocent citizens of Metropolis were not to blame for Luthor's lack of self-restraint and leadership, and the Justice League was called to get rid of him.
"You must try harder if you want to take me down, Superman." Viciously snarled Lex at Superman, throwing a punch at the Kryptonian. "Have you always been this weak or your slutty costume is really that distracting?"
"Dear Hera, would you shut up?" Shouted an angry Wonder Woman, throwing one end of her Lasso to Flash to wrap it around the Exo-Suit's leg and stop its walking.
Lex Luther loved the sound of his voice, but he had been awfully rude to Superman during this battle. The League members were fuming, not only due to the pointless destruction but also due to how Clark's face had been turning ashier and ashier with every demeaning comment.
"Superman, step back," Batman repeated, already moving part of the team to take Superman's position.
But Lex was determined to follow and torment Superman like the plague.
"Why are you here, anyway? You aren't even human. Do us a favour, accept that you are an alien, and go your merry way to whatever planet would have your kind."
Superman hit Lex with a brutal punch that made the Metropolis billionaire fall back into his emblematic building. Aquaman cheered, happy to see the prick on the floor.
"Superman, stop engaging with Luthor. We would take care of him."
"Stop playing dress up, alien." Lex kept winding because having a chomp of concrete in his mouth wasn't enough to make him shut up. "You aren't human, and you will never be. What do you even know about being human? I bet you would ooze green matter if I slit you open."
"No, he did not!" Exclaimed Flash in shock, dramatically covering his mouth in disbelief.
Green Lantern saw with absolute dread how Superman's shoulders started shaking, his eyes suddenly getting glazy and big. The devastatingly sad pout on their beloved Man of Steel punched the air out of Jodan's and all of Superman's friends' chests.
Lex Luthor had gone too far.
Before anyone could react, Batman's terse voice cut the moment like butter slashed by a hot katana.
"Are you…" The Batman – Gotham's villains worst nightmare - clutched and unclutched his fists while staring at Superman's wobbly figure blankly. "Are you crying, Superman?"
"Oh, this is going to shit!" Yelled Flash in panic, ready to jump on Superman's defence.
Batman ignored the gigantic piece of debris that fell two inches to his right to keep his eyes on Superman's weeping face.
"Fuck." Muttered Green Lantern in alarm, locking eyes with an equally lost Wonder Woman and Aquaman.
Batman turned - very, very slowly - towards the fallen archvillain, who had been too stunned and confused to get out of the rubbish.
"Did you make Superman cry?" Was Batman's rhetoric question, his aura quickly going from bafflement to murderous in 0.3 seconds flat. "Did you make my boyfriend cry with your stupid bullshit? How dare you. How dare you."
Wait what?
"Stand up and say that xenophobic crap right to my face you little piece of shit, I dare you."
The Justice League took ten steps back.
"B…" Tried to say a tearful Superman, only to be gently silenced by the Dark Knight.
"Just a moment, sunshine. Daddy needs to slap some sense into this bitch."
"Okay, B."
Fucking what?
"Batman…" Stuttered Lex Luthor with bone-deep terror in his eyes, unable to blink or move away from the walking wrath of a man coming his way. "The code… you have a code… your moral code… you don't kill."
"You better thank your lucky stars I don't, but that will not save you from sipping your meals through a straw for the next six fucking months for disrespecting Superman, dipstick."
When even Wonder Woman – a seasoned fighter from a warrior tribe – covered her eyes, you know for sure that the shit had finally hit the fan.
It had been nasty. The League's members silently vowed never to cross Batman.
"Feeling better, sunshine?" Tenderly asked Batman to Superman, affectionately cleaning the Kryptonian's cheeks with the back of his kevlar gauntlets.
Green Lantern would checked his head for concussions if he wasn't witnessing how Batman – rage and fury wrapped in barbed wire – was lovingly dotting on his boyfriend.
Wait. Wait.
"No way - no way - no way in Hell, Spooky is Pookie?"
"Yeah...?" Answered Clark sheepishly, looking at his friends with guilty blue eyes. Ugh, not the puppy eyes. No one was immune to those puppy eyes.
"You have a problem with that?" Curtly snarled Batman, judging Hal's life choices with a hard stare.
"No. No. No."
"Sorry about lying." Confessed Superman, looking at Batman for his silent approval to continue. "We have been best friends for years, and this was still new for us, and we didn't want to mess up with the team's dynamic, and…"
"Superman." Interrupted Wonder Woman, laying a hand on Clark's and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are happy with this. That both of you are happy with this relationship, and we are going to support you both."
If Batman subtly smiled at Diana and lowered his tense shoulder after that, it was Wonder Woman's prerogative.
"The boyfriend works in finance… it was so obvious! How did I not catch on that?" Shouted Flash in belated realisation, his brain racing to pick and weave all the clues Clark had hinted at.
"Batman speaks ten languages fluently, including Kryptonian. It makes total sense that he speaks flower too." Picked on the conversation Aquaman, Flash's fellow conspiracy theorist.
"I don't… I don't speak flower."
"Did Alfred cook that fancy dinner? Because I am pretty sure you are banned from using the Manor's kitchen." Added Oliver with a judging raised brow.
"I bet there is a story behind that. Oh, I am dying to ask Alfred about it!" Squealed Barry in anticipation.
"The stove was faulty! Why no one believes me?"
"I believe you, B."
"Please tell me the teddy bear is dressed like Spooky, please, please, please."
"As charming as this is, we have to clean up this mess and take Lex to a hospital if we want to avoid brain damage." Courteously interrupted Diana, offering Superman and Batman a conciliatory smile.
Superman dutifully obeyed Wonder Woman's command, with Batman swiftly following him. The rest were wise enough to do as ordered without complaints.
Ah, middle-aged men.
She would embarrass Bruce so much he would squeak like a pig.