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I can hold my own with men.
I can talk about the most obscure subjects and they understand what I'm talking about.
I can have interests that aren't deemed as 'ladylike' and not be shut down for it.
I can be crass with them and make remarks that would make Louis C.K. blush.
But when it comes to women?
I choke.
I freeze.
I stumble.
I stare.
My mind goes blank.
I don't know what to do.
They're so foreign, yet so familiar.
I want to be accepted by them despite what I say to the contrary.
I want to go shopping with them at all the best spots.
I want to hold their hands and lean against them.
I want to kiss their plush lips and velvet skin.
I want to be held by them as we're glued to the TV screen.
I want to go stargazing with them.
I want to go out on the town at night with them.
I want to go out into the water and pretend to be mermaids with them.
I want to give advice and offer comforting words for them when they're at their low points.
I want to get food on their faces as we cook and bake together.
I want us to sing together in perfect harmony.
Those are just some of my wants. But despite it all, I cannot live them out.
Because how do I know if they don't think I'm weird for having such thoughts about them?
How do I know if they're only joking when they say they like me like that too?
How do I know if they actually like having me around?
How do I know if they don't see me as a threat or competition?
How do I know that they don't just see me as a pet project or a charity case?
How do I know that they aren't talking negatively about me behind my back?
How do I know that they don't just keep me around because it makes them look good or better by comparison?
How do I know they won't try to change who I am?
How do I know they won't look down on me for my thoughts or interests?
How do I know that their insides don't match their outsides?
How do I know they won't shame me for feeling the way I do or try to 'fix' me?
How do I know that they're the real deal?
Because men are The Cat In The Hat.
Women are Finnegan's Wake.