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Blitzø sat hunched in the corner of his couch, staring into space. The apartment was too quiet. Loona had gone out with some friends, and Stolas was taking a shower, which left Blitzø alone with just his thoughts and the soft hiss of the shower and the too loud ticking of the clock on the wall for company.
Stewing like this never ended well for him. He should turn on the tv, watch something, fill the room with anything except the deafening silence. But there wasn’t anything he wanted to watch. Or listen to. Or do , for that matter. His tail flicked tensely with every tick of the clock, but he couldn’t bring the rest of his body to move.
They’d nearly died.
All of them. Moxxie. Millie. Loona. They’d almost been killed. He’d almost gotten them all killed. All because he had delusions of grandeur and aspirations above his station, and then he got cocky and decided to do something stupid.
He’d managed to take Satan’s ire all on himself but it had still been such a near thing. It wouldn’t even have been the first time the people he cared about most paid a high price for his mistakes.
He shook his head.
They. Were. Fine. They were alive, and safe, and whole.
The trial had been weeks ago. Why the fuck did his mind feel the need to keep running over and over this like a sore tooth?
It was over and done with. They were all still in one piece, even Blitzø, which was more than he’d expected when he first found himself face to face with Satan himself. He should be over this by now. He should sweep it under the rug, dust off his hands, and pretend it never happened. They’d all made it out, and everyone was okay.
Well, almost everyone.
Stolas wasn’t okay, and Blitzø wasn’t sure if he’d ever be again. Stolas was doing his best to put on a brave face most days, but Blitzø knew losing his daughter must feel like losing a limb.
Blitzø had honestly thought when he was dragged from that courtroom that the next time he saw Stolas would be as a corpse, and it would’ve been all his fault. But he’d come out alive, and now he was living in Blitzø’s home , and some days Blitzø felt so supremely guilty for how much he enjoyed having Stolas here with him because being here had cost Stolas so much.
He still had nightmares about it. Most nights it was Stolas’s head rolling on the ground in front of him, but the others all took their turns. M and M and Loona, the family he’d promised big dreams to, and who had trusted him, and whom he had failed, in so many ways, and ultimately hadn’t been able to protect.
And now he’d looped back to square one. Wash, rinse, repeat. His stupid brain just couldn’t stop reminding him of just how badly he’d fucked up.
Pulling his knees up to his chest, he rubbed his eyes and realized they were damp. Was he fucking crying about this? Why here? Why now ? He took a shuddering breath in and it came out as a sob.
He stilled, listening. The water was still running in the bathroom. He had a few minutes at least.
Blitzø covered his mouth with his hand to muffle his sobs, and buried his face in his knees. He wrapped his tail around himself, and allowed himself one moment of weakness while no one was there to see him.
It would be quick, and he would get this all out of his system, and Stolas and Loona would never have to find out. They were both dealing with enough these past few weeks. He needed to keep it together so they could lean on him when they needed to.
Problem was, the more he cried, the harder it was to get himself back under control. The trial. The fight on Sinsmas. All the times his little family had been put into harm’s way because of him flashed through his head, bleeding into each other. He tried to shake them off, pull himself back together, but they gripped him and wouldn’t let go—
“—tzø. Blitzø. Blitzø!”
He startled, glancing up to see Stolas standing over him, an arm reached out like he wasn’t sure if he could or should touch him, then buried his face back in his knees. Shit. He’d been so lost in his head he hadn’t heard the water shut off. By the sound of it, Stolas had been calling his name for a while.
“Yeah?” Blitzø managed to get out.
“Are you alright?” Stolas asked softly.
Blitzø looked back up, quickly swiping a hand over his eyes and trying to give Stolas a smile. And, more importantly, to look like he had not spent the last few minutes crying like an impling. “I’m fine, pretty bird.” It came out shakier than he would’ve liked.
Stolas looked at him. Blitzø hoped his eyes didn’t look too puffy. “If that’s true, you and I have very different definitions of fine , Blitzø.”
“I’m okay now, Stols, honest. It just all got to be a little much for a minute. But I’m good now.”
Stolas was still watching him like he could see straight into Blitzø’s tattered soul. “I’m not sure you are,” he said softly.
“Well, either way, you don’t need to worry yourself about little old me. You’ve got enough on your plate. I’ll get by just fine.” Blitzø stared up at Stolas, silently pleading with him to just drop it.
Instead of answering, Stolas sat down in the other corner of the couch and opened his arms expectantly. Blitzø could never deny Stolas anything, so he untangled himself from the ball he was curled up in and crawled over. As soon as he was close enough, Stolas scooped him up and pulled him into his lap. His long arms held him and gently squeezed while Blitzø buried his face in the soft feathers on Stolas’s chest.
“You have done so much to take care of me after everything, but who takes care of you, hmm?” Stolas murmured.
Blitzø pulled back and shook his head. “I don’t need any— That is, you don’t have to—“
Stolas hushed him gently. “I don’t have to,” he agreed. “But I would be honored if you would allow me to.”
Blitzø bit back a whine. He hated this. He didn’t like showing… weakness in front of anyone else. He’d much rather just shove everything to the darkest, most secret corners of his mind, and then sometimes on the bad days he’d cry alone on his couch, where no one could see him. Being seen, being known, when he was vulnerable like this was unfamiliar territory, and not somewhere he liked to be. He looked down, suddenly too self conscious to meet Stolas’s gaze. “I really didn’t mean for you to see any of this,” he whispered. “I was just getting it out of my system, you don’t have to worry.”
“Darling,” Stolas said. “ All you do is worry about me, and everyone else, for that matter. Why don’t you let someone else take a turn, just for tonight?”
Blitzø shook his head. A part of him, a very, very large part, would honestly much rather squirm out of Stolas’s arms, hide under the beanbag for the rest of the night, and then in the morning pretend none of this ever happened. But he was fairly certain Stolas wouldn’t let him get away with that, not to mention that even without his magic Stolas was much bigger than he was, and while Blitzø could be both slippery and flexible, he was pretty sure he’d have a hell of a time actually getting himself out of Stolas’s grip, let alone hiding himself somewhere Stolas wouldn’t track him down. A more reasonable part of him told him to just play the tired card, even though it was a little too early in the evening for that, and just tell Stolas he wanted to go to bed and talk about this later, and then refuse to let that later conversation happen.
But then Stolas was started stroking his head right between his horns, in that way Stolas knew always calmed Blitzø down when he was stressed (and Blitzø definitely didn’t feel a sudden warmth in his chest that Stolas remembered that, after all this time, no sir), and Blitzø couldn’t help but melt back into his chest. Stolas’s other hand gently massaged between Blitzø’s spines, and Blitzø felt his whole body relax under his ministrations. His tail languidly wrapped itself around Stolas’s arm, almost subconsciously, as if it had a mind of its own.
Before he knew it, he was sniffling again, the feeling of being cared for too overwhelming while his emotions were still high, and he buried his head in Stolas’s chest again and hoped he wouldn’t say anything.
They sat in silence for a minute or two, the only sound Blitzø’s hitched breathing, before Stolas broke it. “It’s alright to cry, you know. I don’t mind. You’ve certainly seen me cry plenty of times at this point,” he added with a chuckle.
“That’s different,” Blitzø mumbled, his voice muffled in Stolas’s chest.
“Is it though?” Stolas asked quietly. “Is it really any different?”
Blitzø didn’t have a good answer for that. It was different, but it wasn’t like he had an acceptable reason why to give Stolas. It just was. It was perfectly fine for Stolas to cry after going through some shit, or Loona, or Millie, or even Moxxie, but Blitzø just couldn’t extend that courtesy to himself. Not where anyone could see it, at least.
Stolas started humming softly, and that only made Blitzø start actually crying again. He kept his head buried in Stolas’s chest, and his shoulders shook with the force of his quiet sobs. Stolas didn’t pull away, simply kept running his hands soothingly down Blitzø’s back, humming or whispering soft reassurances Blitzø really didn’t deserve. A few times he bent his head down and preened around Blitzø’s horns.
When Blitzø’s sobs finally started to die down, Stolas spoke up softly, “Would you like to talk about it? You don’t have to, but I’m here to listen if you do.”
Blitzø didn’t, really. He’d already burdened Stolas enough with this shit, but on the flip side he probably owed the bird a bit of an explanation. He breathed in shakily.
“They were going to kill them.”
Stolas stiffened. “I beg your pardon?” he said quietly.
“They were going to kill all of them,” Blitzø repeated. “Millie and Moxxie.” He took a breath. “Loona. And it would’ve been all my fault.”
Stolas pulled back to look at him, and Blitzø looked away, bracing himself for the rejection that should’ve come weeks ago. It never came. “Oh darling, no, ” Stolas said. “That was not your fault. They treated you horribly in that courtroom, but that doesn’t make you to blame for any of it.”
“It was, though. The book was my dumb idea. I knew the risks, and I took them anyway, and we got caught. I fucked up, but I never meant for them to get caught in the crossfire. I talked Satan down, but he could’ve… he almost…” He swallowed back a sob and tried to hide his face again against Stolas’s soft feathers.
Stolas ran a hand down his back. “Shhh, it’s alright, darling, they’re all safe. Nothing happened to them, you’re all alright,” he said, steadfastly continuing to look into Blitzø’s face.
“They muzzled Loona. Muzzled me. Wouldn’t let us say a fucking word in our defense…”
Stolas’s arms around him tightened convulsively. “How dare they,” he hissed.
“… That parrot guy wanted to call you. The ice bitch wouldn’t let ‘em. I managed to get the gag off when Satan said he was going to…” Blitzø’s throat closed up around the words, and he trailed off.
“I imagine that’s what Andrealphus wanted. To make sure I didn’t find out until…” Stolas took a deep, shuddering breath in and rested his head on Blitzø’s horns. “… until it was over. Because he knew I’d stop it.”
Blitzø wrapped his arms around Stolas’s torso and pulled himself in to tuck his head under Stolas’s chin. “I thought you were gonna die, Stols,” he breathed. “They dragged me outta there, and I really thought I’d never see you again.” He pressed his ear to Stolas’s chest, listened to his heart still beating there. “And I couldn’t live with myself if they— if you weren’t…” He trailed off, unable to finish the thought.
“Oh.” Stolas’s breath hitched. “Oh dearest.” He wrapped his arms around Blitzø’s shoulders again and held him close. “I can assure you I am safe and sound,” he said softly.
“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Blitzø murmured.
“I will endeavor not to, my love,” Stolas whispered back, “though I make no promises.” He huffed a wet little laugh. “We certainly get ourselves into some unfortunate situations, don’t we?”
Blitzø nodded, though he wasn’t sure Stolas could see it. He probably felt the movement, at least. “I need you safe , Stols. I need all of you safe.”
One of them had started shaking. It was probably Blitzø, based on how Stolas resumed rubbing the base of his horns.
Stolas murmured soothing reassurances and Blitzø just sat there, trembling, for a minute, before he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to have Stolas sitting here, having to comfort Blitzø after Stolas had lost everything because of him.
Blitzø pulled back. “I ruined your life, Stols. If I hadn’t tried to steal your book, you would still be in your palace with your daughter, and your magic, and—“
Stolas cut him off. “If you hadn’t tried to steal my book, I would still be walking on eggshells trying to shield my daughter from the worst aspects of her parents’ loveless marriage. My life was ruined long before you came back into it. You have only ever changed my life for the better.” He gently took Blitzø’s chin and tilted his head up to look at him. “My actions and decisions are mine , and I bear the responsibility for them. I lent you the book, knowing there could be consequences, and I took responsibility for those actions during the trial. I may regret the way some of the cards fell that day, and I may wish that I’d had time to make a better plan when I intervened, but do not , for one instant, think that I regret saving you. I would do it all again, if it meant that you got to be here, alive and whole in my arms.”
Blitzø looked down, unable to bear the look on Stolas’s face. “Stols, I’m not worth—“
“Listen to me Blitzø,” Stolas interrupted. He ducked his head down to catch Blitzø’s eye again. “I will say this as many times as it takes to get through to that silly, beautiful head of yours. You are so, so worth the sacrifices I made to keep you here. Aside from my daughter, there is nothing in that palace I value more than your life. You are , and always have been, worthy of care. And of love. From me, and so many others.”
Blitzø… didn’t know what to say to that. So instead he buried his face in Stolas’s chest and tried to hide from it.
“You just told me that my safety is vital to you,” Stolas continued, running a gentle hand down Blitzø’s back. “Is it really so hard to believe that your safety and continued existence are vital to me?”
Blitzø blinked hard. He was not going to cry again, damn it. He’d already felt way too many fucking feelings for one night, and here Stolas was just giving him more . Asshole move on his part, honestly. Stolas was still talking.
“When I saw you on the news that day,” he whispered. “I’m not sure I’ve ever been so scared. I was so fucking terrified I wouldn’t be fast enough, and I’d get there to find your head on the ground. And I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
Blitzø poked Stolas’s chest. “It’s a good thing you never had to find out then, yeah? Like you said, we all made it out in one piece.”
Stolas let out a shaky breath. “Yes we did. So there’s no point in dwelling on what could’ve happened.” He paused. “What very nearly did happen,” he finished in a whisper.
Blitzø shuddered. “Easier said than done sometimes, huh?”
“Quite,” Stolas murmured.
He was quiet for a moment. Blitzø didn’t really know what to say to break the silence, so he let it hang until Stolas spoke up again.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” he said. “We are going to sit here, and I am going to hold you, for as long as you need to feel a bit more like yourself again. Then, assuming we can manage to both fit horizontally on this couch—“ Blitzø snorted. “— I believe we are creative enough to manage it.” Stolas glanced at him and smirked. “We are going to contort ourselves to fit onto your tiny-ass couch, and we are going to fall asleep together, where I can feel your heartbeat, and hopefully that will be enough to stave off the what ifs l’d rather not keep thinking about.”
“Is my couch small or are your legs just long as fuck?”
“I think two things can be true at the same time,” Stolas said primly.
Blitzø rolled his eyes, but he leaned more against Stolas’s chest. He sighed. “Thanks Stolas. And I’m sorry you had to deal with… all of this,” Blitzø said, and hoped Stolas would understand what he meant.
“No need to be sorry, Blitzø,” Stolas answered. “ I should apologize, for not realizing you were also struggling. I was so caught up in my own problems, I forgot that you had also been through an ordeal. I suppose I’ve grown so used to seeing you as this… unstoppable force, that I didn’t stop to consider that anything could’ve shaken you. I’ve leaned on you so much these past weeks… I never stopped to think you might need someone to return the favor.”
“Don’t worry about it. I… don’t usually let people see me like this.”
Stolas hummed. “I understand that. And I thank you for letting me see this side of you.”
They lapsed into silence for a few moments. Blitzø suddenly realized he was fucking exhausted, physically and emotionally. He’d zoned out enough that he startled slightly when Stolas spoke again.
“I have a request,” he said softly.
Blitzø sat up a bit more to try to wake himself up. He managed to get out an “Mm-hmm?” in response.
“I would like a promise from you. I know I can’t ask you not to put yourself in harm’s way again, between your job and the rest of your life, and I would never ask that of you. But I would like to ask that the next time you feel like this, you come to me, instead of hiding alone.”
“Stols, I don’t wanna put that on you…”
“Blitzø, you are not putting anything on me. This is something I am asking to help carry. Would you be willing to let me?”
Blitzø hesitated. This wasn’t a small promise. But as he sat there, safe and warm in Stolas’s arms, he thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He took a breath. “I can promise that… If you also promise to come to me when you’re dealing with shit.”
Stolas chuckled softly. “I can do that darling. Thank you.”
Blitzø leaned his head on Stolas’s chest. “Don’t mention it.”
They sat there, for a couple minutes or a couple hours, until Blitzø started to doze off. Then Stolas gently coaxed him to lie down against the back of the couch. It only took a few minutes of maneuvering (and just one instance of falling halfway off the couch) for Stolas to get himself into a comfortable position, then he wrapped his arms around Blitzø and pulled him close. Laying there, with his head on Stolas’s chest, breathing in the familiar scent of his feathers, Blitzø felt truly calm for the first time in days, and sleep came quickly for both of them.
(Until morning, when Stolas woke them both up by falling off the couch entirely.)