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Jungkook swirls around the street lamp. The light casts him in a golden hue. A year ago Namjoon bought him the vintage shirt he is wearing. Jungkook’s laugh echoes through the empty street. Namjoon had always loved Jungkook’s laugh. The warmth, his laugh spreads. The way it makes Namjoon’s stomach tingle when Jungkook looks at him smiling. His cheeks rising, his eyes twinkling and his dimple showing.
His laugh might have been what started Namjoon’s happiness and his misery.
Jungkook’s Levi’s fit him like a second skin. On this warm summer night he is glowing. Jungkook hums a song and stretches his arms out like he wants to hug the world. “Namjoon.” He calls a bounce in his steps. “Come on. I’m waiting for you.”
Namjoon tilts his head. Whenever he is wine-tipsy he has to bite his tongue. Tonight he won’t confess his love to his roommate. He won’t recite poems about Jungkook’s beauty. With leisure steps Namjoon follows Jungkook through the street. A few turns till they arrive at their small apartment. In the night sky glitter the stars, none as bright as Jungkook’s eyes.
“Namjoon.” His roommate calls again. He is waving like Namjoon doesn’t see him. Like he isn’t all Namjoon can see.
“I’m coming.” Namjoon answers.
Instead of Namjoon catching up to him Jungkook dashes back and links his arm with Namjoon’s. “Why are you so slow?”
“I’m enjoying the walk.” Namjoon answers, smiling. “Taking in the scenery.”
Jungkook lays his head on Namjoon’s shoulder. “You see this street everyday.”
Namjoon hums. “Not by night, not tonight.”
Jungkook giggles, his nose scrunching. “You’re drunker than I thought.”
“Huh?”
“You always get sentimental when you are tipsy.”
“Not true.”
“You do.”
Namjoon glances at the other. Jungkook’s hair is disheveled from their night at the bar. His cheeks are slightly rosy. He looks happy. Namjoon's heart swells and tweaks. The wind dances around them. It’s a tradition at this point. Every Friday they spend the evening at their local bar with five of their friends. Jungkook begins to hum again, pressing Namjoon’s arm closer to him.
“Are you thinking about work again?” Jungkook asks.
Namjoon smiles and shakes his head. With squinted eyes Jungkook looks at him. “I’m not Jungkook.” Namjoon says.
“You work too much.” Jungkook replies, squeezing his arm. “We should go on a long walk tomorrow with Bam.”
Namjoon hums in agreement.
“Make it up to him that we left him alone tonight.” Jungkook continues.
Jungkook loves wholeheartedly. To be on the receiving end of this love, Namjoon can only dream. All the small things that make Jungkook who he is are stitched onto Namjoon’s heart. Silently and secretly he loves Jungkook more than any friend should. When Namjoon looks into Jungkook’s eyes he sees his future.
“Where do you think we will be in 10 years?” Jungkook asks.
In the quiet night Namjoon imagines he hears Jungkook’s lashes flutter. “What makes you say that?”
Jungkook squeezes Namjoon’s arm again. His fingers brush against the thin material of Namjoon’s cardigan. He shrugs his shoulders. Red wine slightly stained his lips. Namjoon wants to taste it. “We will have a bigger apartment,” Namjoon muses, “Perhaps another dog. You will be an in demand web designer, I will finally have my PhD.”
Jungkook is silent next to him. Namjoon cast a glance at him. Jungkook looks lost in thought till a blinding smile breaks his face. “How long do you plan to live with me?” Jungkook giggles. “That’s not what I expected you to say.”
Namjoon flushes. He can’t hide his love laced in his words. “Who else would I want to live with?”
Jungkook gives him a look and takes Namjoon’s arm in both of his hands. “You make me think..” Jungkook stops and shakes his head. “You can’t say stuff like that to me!” Jungkook lightly whacks him.
“Why?” Namjoon laughs. “Why can’t I? It’s the truth.”
“Namjoon.” Jungkook whines and pulls him along the street. By now their apartment is in sight. “Won’t you want to marry? I don’t know, start a family?” Jungkook rummages his key out of his jeans pockets.
With you? Yes. With anyone else? No. Namjoon doesn’t say it out loud. Instead he watches Jungkook unlock the door to their building. Jungkook holds the door open for him, twirling the key with his fingers. In Namjoon's eyes Jungkook always looks so unbothered, carefree, like he has youth written into him. Namjoon has always felt like an old soul, like someone who has to be responsible, someone people can lean on. Jungkook carries his wisdom with a youthful bounce in his steps. He hops the stairs up with ease. Namjoon follows. Always a step behind him.
Bam is beside himself with joy as soon as Jungkook opens their apartment door. Jungkook immediately drops to his knees to fully engulf the dog prancing on his hind legs. “What a good boy you are.” Jungkook muses. “Yes, you.” He scratches and cuddles Bam. Namjoon closes the door behind him and watches them with a smile. He adores the two.
Jungkook grabs the leash, always dangling on their coat rack. Bam zooms through the hall, excitement vibrates off him. “I will take a short walk with him.” Jungkook says and attaches the leash to Bam’s collar.
“Gonna accompany you.” Namjoon says.
Jungkook looks up at him. His eyebrows raised. “Weren’t you tired?”
“Don’t you want my company?” Namjoon asks, giving Jungkook a fake pout.
Jungkook laughs. “Come on. Let’s go. Bam.” Weren't it for Jungkook holding the leash Bam would dash down the stairs. Outside, even in the middle of the night, the air is warm. Bam strolls around the pavement sniffing for the perfect place to mark his territory. “Did you really mean that?” Jungkook asks.
Namjoon yawns, not quite grasping where Jungkook’s mind went. “What?” he asks, watching Bam sniffle a patch of lawn.
Jungkook turns to Namjoon. His eyes wide and enthralling. Glistening like the stars above them. “You really wanted to live with me for such a long time?”
“I don’t plan on going anywhere.” Namjoon shrugs, playing it cool. It’s the truth. Part of it anyway. Thinking about the future gives Namjoon anxiety. Will Jungkook leave? Will he live alone in their small apartment? Does he have to look for a new roommate? One he isn’t in love with?
“Me neither.” Jungkook replies slightly distracted by Bam wanting to charge after a squirrel. “Come on, Bam.” He calls. The chocolate colored dog obeys walking beside Jungkook with a pep in his steps.
“Why are you asking? Already making plans for our future?” Namjoon replies jokingly.
“Didn’t you want to become a dad?” Jungkook asks. The trio turns at the corner to take a walk around the block. Bam barks once as if he is also questioning Namjoon’s future.
Namjoon stares at the pavement. The only wish he carries in his heart is to make Jungkook his. A long time ago he dreamed of marriage and kids. Before he realized he is bisexual and in love with his best friend. It feels like a lifetime ago. Namjoon wouldn’t even recognize his old self, but Jungkook still remembers the nonsense he spewed years ago.
“People change.” Namjoon answers. “I’ve changed.”
“I know.” Jungkook replies, grinning at him. “I know. But you have repeated it so often when we were younger, it kind of stuck."
Namjoon scratches his chin. “I guess I did.”
It was a warm summer day like today, the day Namjoon was introduced to Jungkook. At that time Jin was his best friend. Jungkook’s older brother. Jin and him were playing outside and there stood his younger brother. Tousled dark hair, huge eyes and biting his lips, barely saying a word. Namjoon can’t pinpoint the day they got closer. Jungkook was always there, next to Jin, next to Namjoon. Jin went to a different university than Namjoon and Jungkook stayed. Later started at the local university just like Namjoon and the two of them became inseparable.
“What made you change your mind?” Jungkook asks.
You. If I can’t have you I don’t want anyone else. Namjoon doesn’t say it out loud.
“Bam. No.” Jungkook says keeping Bam from trying to eat leftovers someone had thrown on the street.
Namjoon sees it as an opportunity to change the topic. “Where do you think you will be in 10 years?”
Jungkook grins. “Exactly where I am now.”
Taken off guard Namjoon questions him. “Walking your dog with me in the middle of the night?”
“Yes.” Jungkook replies joyfully. “I hope we still meet at a bar every Friday. I hope I wake up to you making coffee in the morning. I hope Bam will be by my side jumping up and down, begging me to take him out while you stare at us with that quizzical look in your eyes.”
“Quizzical look?”
“That look when you think too hard.” Jungkook replies and imitates the look. He scrunches his eyebrows and looks all serious till he bursts into laughter.
“I don’t look like this.”
“You do.”
Instead of continuing to argue with Jungkook Namjoon shakes his head. He will never win. Jungkook can look at him with those doe eyes and Namjoon will agree to everything.
“I’m so tired I feel like I’m gonna knock out immediately.” Jungkook says.
Namjoon’s keys jingle as he opens their front door. “Me too. It’s been awhile since I’ve stayed up so long.”
“Old man.” Jungkook teases and hops up the stairs with Bam at his side as if to prove his point.
“I’m not old.” Namjoon calls after them and follows the pair with steady steps.
Jungkook's laugh rings through the hall and tears at Namjoon’s heartstrings. Jungkook is already inside the apartment once Namjoon arrives on their floor. The door ajar. Namjoon enters, closes the door and slips out of his sneakers. Bam lays on his dog bed snuggled into himself.
“Namjoon?” Jungkook calls.
“Yes.” He gets a glance of Jungkook’s head sticking out of his bedroom door before he vanishes again. He walks towards Jungkook’s bedroom door and watches Jungkook’s bare torso disappear behind a black shirt.
“Do you wanna sleep in my bed?” Jungkook asks and takes his jewelry off. The sounds of metal rings falling on metal jewellery resonates through the room. He smiles at Namjoon. “We haven’t done this in forever.” Namjoon gulps. There was a reason they stopped. He couldn’t bear having Jungkook so close yet so far.
“Come on.” Jungkook says, flicks Namjoon arms as he walks past him towards the bathroom.
For a bit Namjoon simply stands in front of Jungkook’s opened bedroom door. He hears Jungkook turning the faucet on. Jungkook’s bed is made. It always is. Namjoon leaves his bed unmade. Jungkook’s curtains are so dark they black out every slither of light. Only his bedside lamp illuminates the room.
A little tipsy Namjoon walks into his own bedroom to get changed. He slips into his tan coloured sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt. Closing his bedroom door behind himself walks towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. Jungkook is long gone but his traces are still visible. The wet sink. His wet towel. His toothbrush next to Namjoon’s. His moisturizer is still open. Namjoon closes it for him while he brushes his teeth and contemplates. Or rather he resigns himself to a night staying awake.
It was in one of those nights where he shared a bed with Jungkook that Namjoon realized he was in love. It took him a year or two to realize he is bisexual. Realizing his feelings for Jungkook was one thing, but questioning if he has ever been in love with a woman was another thing. How he felt about Jungkook was different than the way he felt about any of his past girlfriends.
It took a bit for him to establish it wasn’t the gender that made Namjoon’s love more intense. It was Jungkook. It was being in love and loving someone at the same time. It was the feeling of having a deep connection and the butterfly appearing first love feeling simultaneously that drove him crazy. It changed everything.
He moved in with Jungkook in his second year of university and Jungkook’s first.
The first few nights were like having a sleepover everyday. They spent hours playing video games and watching movies falling asleep in either Namjoon’s or Jungkook’s bed. It was on such a night that they laid close to each other, head to head, face to face, Jungkook rambling about something and Namjoon asked himself how it would feel to kiss Jungkook.
Since Namjoon has a curious mind he never questions such thoughts. As it is part of the human mind to wonder, but they were recurring so frequently whenever he looked at Jungkook that someday it clicked. The warmth he feels when he gets close to Jungkook. The way he can’t stop thinking about Jungkook. Everything reminds him of him. It’s love.
Namjoon spits toothpaste in the sink and washes his mouth.
Following his realization Namjoon couldn’t sleep soundly next to Jungkook. In fear of betraying himself in the night. It’s been years and Namjoon still hasn’t figured out what to do. He wants to confess, but he doesn’t want to lose the world he is revolving around. Namjoon looks tired in the reflection of the mirror. He yawns and trudges into Jungkook’s room.
Jungkook lays on his back on top of his blanket with his smartphone in his hand, his ankles crossed. He looks up as Namjoon enters. Namjoon closes the door and awkwardly flops beside him. Jungkook laughs and turns to face him. In the dim light Jungkook looks so soft Namjoon wants to sling his arm around him and hold him until they both become one. Combined in love.
Namjoon props himself on his hands and watches Jungkook watching him. The moment is so intimate, shivers run down Namjoon’s spine. Jungkook hums through his lips. A melody stuck in his head. Namjoon wants to record every hum leaving Jungkook’s lips. With a sigh he closes his eyes. His thoughts need to wander far away from Jungkook.
“Namjoon.”
“Hmm?” Namjoon opens his eyes again.
“Are you in love with me?”
Namjoon’s world stops and begins to swirl too fast. Thousands of thoughts run through his mind. Namjoon is the worst liar on planet earth. Even if he wanted to continue to hide, his face can’t lie. Not even the darkness can hide the secret he is holding onto. “Yes.” he whispers.
Jungkook smiles, the nose crunching, dimple appearing, eyes twinkling smile. “Good. Me too.”
Namjoon’s mind slows down to focus on those two words. Me too. He beams at Jungkook. Honest, content and earnest. “Am I dreaming?”
Jungkook giggles. “No.”
“How did you know?” Namjoon mumbles.
“You look at me like you look at art. Sometimes you stare at me like I'm one of your poem’s you try to figure out.”
Namjoon hums. “You’re greater than art.” Better than any poem Namjoon has ever read or analyzed for his literature studies.
Jungkook laughs again and Namjoon relishes in it. “Is that all it takes for you to compliment me?” Jungkook scoots closer. His trembling hands take Namjoon’s.
“Why are you shaking? Are you cold?” Without thinking Namjoon pulls Jungkook closer and engulfs him.
“No. I’m nervous.”
“Why?” Namjoon asks like he hasn’t been dreading talking to Jungkook about his love for him.
“We are finally talking about us.”
Namjoon squeezes Jungkook. “It’s just me.” He brushes a hand through Jungkook’s silky hair. “Just me. Your roommate, best friend, who is in love with you.”
“Are you really?”
Namjoon nods. His heart in his throat. “I’m utterly obsessed with you.” In the night, the dim light, his secret, his love isn’t so heavy. It’s light. Dancing between them. Has it always been this easy to love Jungkook?
“I’ve been waiting for you.” Jungkook murmurs. His eyes hold unshed tears that make Namjoon’s stomach turn.
“Waiting?” Namjoon asks.
“Yeah. Not to sound self-absorbed but you acted like you were in love with me. I decided to give you time, wait for you, to figure out whatever you had to figure out. My sweet over-thinker.”
“Did I hurt you? I never wanted to hurt you.” Namjoon frowns. Worries etched into his face.
Jungkook smiles. His lonely dimple appears on his cheek. “I know. That’s why it takes you so long to make a decision, you think everything through.”
“I don’t know if I thought this through. I imagined myself confessing to you with a grand gesture, not in your bed in the middle of the night.”
Jungkook giggles. “There is still time for what!”
“I guess there is.” Namjoon replies.
Jungkook scoots closer. “Isn’t this more us?”
Namjoon feels his breath against his skin. “Yeah.”
“How long have you known?”
Jungkook hums, raising an eyebrow at him questioningly.
“Known that I’m in love with you?” Namjoon says.
“I didn’t know.” Jungkook answers. A strand of hair falls into his eyes. “I suspected it. There weren't any girlfriends since you moved in with me and you dedicated so much time to me I.. I hoped.” Jungkook smiles. “I began to hope you are.”
Namjoon stares at him. This gorgeous man hoped for Namjoon to love him. Namjoon, who loves him with every fiber of his being.
“Do you mind if I kiss you?” Jungkook asks.
“No. I wouldn’t mind it at all.” Namjoon gulps. “But I have to ask you something. Will you be my boyfriend?” Namjoon takes a deep breath. “I love you. I’ve been in love with you for such a long time that I don’t feel like I can kiss you without knowing if you’re mine.”
“I’m yours, Namjoon.” Jungkook answers. “Always have been. Don’t know a day I didn’t love you. I’ll be your boyfriend.”
Namjoon slightly turns his head and presses his lips against Jungkook’s. Namjoon kisses him softly. Warmth spreads through him with every touch. Jungkook is so close to him. Their legs automatically link with each other. Their bodies close. Namjoon holds Jungkook’s waist and presses him even closer. Jungkook deepens their kiss. In a way Namjoon can’t believe this is happening, on the other hand all he can think is finally and why didn’t he confess earlier. Jungkook practically melts into him. Namjoon relishes every one of his movements. In this man being so trusting to turn to butter in his hand. To let Namjoon move him closer and take the lead. He pours his love into the kiss. Holding Jungkook gently as he moves his lips over the others.
Namjoon parts their lips. Jungkook opens his eyes. Namjoon’s head spins. He can’t believe he did what he dreamed of for years. Sudden exhaustion washes over him. With a thumb he traces Jungkook’s jawline. Does Jungkook expect more? Namjoon feels like he has to process this night with a good night of sleep. “I adore you, Jungkook, but I’m also really tired.”
Jungkook giggles. “Me too.”
“Also I think my brain needs to process this conversation. The joy I’m feeling might actually make me burst.”
Jungkook's laugh deepens. “You should sleep, you’re not making sense anymore.”
Namjoon smiles, “Can I hold you?”
“Of course,” Jungkook answers. “You know I love to be the little spoon if that’s what you’re asking."
“You know me too well.” Namjoon replies.
Jungkook turns his back to him and Namjoon slings his arms around him. Jungkook takes Namjoon’s hand in his. Lying like this with Jungkook, his boyfriend, makes Namjoon's heart palpitate in happiness. With one of the biggest grins he has ever sported he falls asleep and dreams of no other than Jungkook. The life they will have. The bigger apartment. The second dog. The wrinkles, full of memories.