Chapter Text
If he didn’t do it today, he never would. Tristan had been up half the night not just with the echo of gunshots in his head but with the battle of his emotions. He’d never felt anything so powerful. Tristan was usually a smooth talker, flirting easily with most of the young women in the village but Richard Carmody had tripped him up, not only because he was a man. Just meeting his eyes caused Tristan's heart to beat loudly in his chest, threatening to climb up his throat. These feelings were becoming overwhelming and there was no way of escaping them especially when Tristan was forced to spend so much time in Carmody’s presence. Hence the lack of sleep. It was nice to share a room considering the nightmares that plagued Tristan's sleep but it did leave him with very little time to ponder his feelings.
And that was why he’d given up on sleep, gotten up early and helped Mrs Hall with breakfast (she looked worried but didn’t question it) and was now doing the crossword as he waited for the rest of the house to rouse.
“Would you stop that.” Mrs Hall said impatiently. Tristan looked up at her, unsure what he was doing. She smiled sympathetically and took the pen he was tapping against the table from his hand gently. “What’s got you all worked up then?”
“Nothing,” Tristan said too quickly. He hated seeing the worried frown on Mrs Hall’s face. “Just eager to seize the day Mrs H.” He worked up a grin.
She didn’t look convinced. “I suppose there’s a first for everything.” She muttered. “Ah, Mr Carmody. Sleep well?” She greeted. Tristan's head snapped up as the smaller man entered the kitchen and pulled out the chair opposite him.
“Perfectly well, thank you, Mrs Hall.” He cast a fleeting glance in Tristan's direction, and he had to peel his eyes back to his crossword and try not to blush under Carmody’s gaze. They quietly sipped their tea together both occupied as Carmody skimmed through the pages of a book. The silence was broken as Siegfried bumbled in, humming a tune to himself.
“Morning all.” He gracefully took the seat beside Carmody, the other men turning their eyes on him and his unnaturally chipper attitude.
“Well, you’re in a good mood this morning.” Mrs Hall remarked as she rested a warm plate in front of him.
“We have a long list to get through today so there’s no point in being miserable about it.” Siegfried replied through a mouth of bacon. Tristan had to hide a smirk behind his hand.
Carmody snapped his book shut and downed the remainder of his tea before standing. “The Dobsons called yesterday about a horse. I said I’d be there first thing this morning, so I thought I’d drop in on my way around.”
“Right you are.” Siegfried nodded his approval.
“I’ll come with you.” Tristan jumped up a little too eager taking Carmody and Siegfried by surprise. “I mean, horses… are a two-person job.” He struggled his way through an excuse.
“Whatever gets you out of the house,” Siegfried replied in a way that suggested he couldn’t care less.
Carmody sent Tristan a wary look. “We probably won’t be back until evening so if you’re coming it’ll be all day.”
“Whatever. Maybe with two of us, we’ll get everything done sooner.” Tristan grinned.
Mrs Hall rolled her eyes as the two of them headed out of the room to get ready.
Tristan was in the passenger seat of the car before Carmody had even left the house. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing. He didn’t have a plan, but spending the day with Carmody was the first step. He’d already eliminated the rest of the house from the equation now he just needed to get an idea of how Carmody was feeling.
The other man soon appeared from the back door, wellies on and medical bag in hand, bow tie perfectly in place. Tristan melted down in his seat at the sight of him. God, he had well and truly fallen.
“You really don’t have to do this Tristan,” Carmody said as he closed the car door on them. “You look exhausted, you should stay here and rest.”
“I could do with some fresh air. Might help me sleep better tonight.” Tristan brushed off his concern. Or tried to. Carmody looked adorable with his brow wrinkled in worry. He seemed to accept this however and started up the car.
Tristan let out a slow exhale of relief as they left Darrowby for the rolling hills of the Yorkshire Dales.
He’d needed this escape from the scrutinising glare of his brother, the sympathetic looks from Mrs Hall and the distraction of his own thoughts. It was just him and Carmody and the crippling anxiety of confessing his feelings. He was on a time crunch now. He’d gotten them out of the house, alone. So it had to be today. He took a deep breath ready to bite the bullet when Carmody beat him to it.
“Tristan, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.”
“Oh, um, yes of course.”
“You hear a lot of talk in a small village like this as I’m sure you know.” Carmody stumbled over his words a little. “And I hear some things about your way with… women.” Tristan wasn’t sure what he’d expected but it hadn’t been this.
“Right…”
“You’ve probably already realised by now that I’m completely hopeless when it comes to human interaction. I much prefer the company of animals but I have come to find myself rather fond of a particular person's company recently a-and I’m not exactly sure how to approach it.” Carmody’s hands fidgeted on the steering wheel and he took a big gulp of air as he finished forcing his words out. He wasn’t looking at Tristan, his eyes paying rapt attention to the road.
Tristan glared forward too, clenching his jaw and blinking rapidly to hold off the tears he was horrified to discover were trying to blow his cover. He cleared his throat, searching for the right words.
“I’m positive you’re not hopeless, Richard.” He finally said. “I say the most important thing is being yourself and if this girl doesn’t like you for that alone then she’s not worth it.” He tried to add confidence to his voice but it wasn’t really working.
Carmody frowned. “Right. Be myself. Okay, um, and how do I tell whether I’m doing that or not?”
Tristan grinned. It was so adorable. The fumbled words, his ridged posture. Tristan tried to hide the sinking jealousy in his stomach.
“Well that’s easy because you always are.”
“What do you mean?”
“Richard, you never hide any of yourself. Some people give you strange looks at times but you’ve gained so much trust and friendship here since you started by simply never hiding any of yourself. You’re blunt and straight to the point and as a vet people appreciate that level of honesty. It’s one of the many things that makes you so endearing.”
Tristan knew he’d gone too far when Carmody braked a little too hard upon their arrival at the Dobson's yard and turned his attention on the man beside him. Tristan couldn’t meet his eyes and went to yank the car door open.
“You think I’m endearing?” Carmody asked as he hurried out of the car after Tristan. He almost slipped in the mud as he went but Tristan was already there to grab his arm to steady him.
“Sure,” He smiled tightly. “I share a room with you I know all your endearing qualities.” And before Carmody could ask any further questions or see the burning blush on Tristan’s cheeks, he turned and stalked his way into the yard to find Mr Dobson.
“Right, what’s next?” Tristan asked as he collapsed into the car again twenty minutes later. There had been nothing wrong with the Dobson's horse. They were only worried because it was a new addition to the farm and no farmer made decisions like that lightly. Carmody had insisted on giving it a full examination anyway just to be sure whilst Tristan took a back seat and observed, glad to be a distance from the beast. He’d never been at ease around horses and was hoping their next task involved something smaller and placid.
Carmody consulted his list. “Another Mare. Apparently she’s been showing signs of aggression that has made her unrideable.”
Tristan screwed up his face at the thought.
“Well, it was you who insisted on joining me today. I do wonder why though–”
“I’m just not great with horses okay.” Tristan interrupted before Carmody could get him to admit anything. Yes, he wished to confess today but he needed to buy a little more time. Just to work out if Carmody was on the same page. Though at this point he doubted it. Not when Carmody was asking him for advice on women . His heart sank a little further.
“What’s wrong with horses?”
“Oh, nothing. I got kicked by one a long time ago. On my birthday actually. It certainly wasn’t the worst thing to come out of that day.” Tristan trailed off with a sudden wave of insecurity. He would never be as qualified as Carmody which meant he’d never be as good in Siegfried's eyes.
“No fear. I happen to be particularly good with horses.” Carmody grinned at the thought as he reversed the car out of the yard and headed further away from Darrowby.
The horse in question didn’t look particularly dangerous with a silky chestnut coat and cream mane and tail. It wasn’t even that large like some of the horses Tristan had come in contact with in the past that had towered over him.
“She was always very calm before she had her foal a few months ago.” Mr Hawking explained. “We put it down to her protective instincts at first but now we’re concerned it could be something else.”
Carmody nodded along as the farmer talked him through the problem. Tristan stayed close to Carmodys side in an act of protecting himself.
“May I ask her name?” Carmody questioned as he set his bag down, removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves in preparation. Tristan had to look away. See, he found Carmody adorable but under his fumbling awkwardness, he was undeniably attractive with his lean arms and floppy hair.
“It’s Goldie. She belongs to my daughter but now the girl won’t go near her out of fear.”
Carmody didn’t seem too worried for himself and Tristan tried to remind himself that horses were Carmody's thing otherwise he was close to reaching out to hold the man back and maybe pull him into his arms and never let go–
No. Tristan needed to focus.
Goldie remained calm as the vet approached her with soft words and a gentle touch to her nose. Carmody remained where she could see him for a time to gain her trust before slowly moving around to her side, running his hands across her back.
Tristan shivered involuntarily. He blamed his fear of the animal but he knew it was from the thought of Carmody's hands on his skin, as he had imagined many times.
“Everything seems in order physically.” Carmody decided. “It’s most likely to be a mental symptom that revolves around her protection of the foal as you’ve mentioned. Do you know if this has been her first?”
Mr Hawking shook his head. “She’s not young, that’s why we chose her. For her calm nature.”
“It’s very possible she may have given birth before and that foal has either not made it or has been taken from her at a young age. That will take a mental toll just as it would with humans. We’re not that dissimilar.” Carmody gently doted on Goldie, stroking her back softly and reassuringly.
Tristan felt himself fall a little further in that moment.
Goldie seemed calm enough for now so Carmody took the rope tied to her bridle and led her from the covered stable into the yard. Tristan backed away just a little earning him a strange look from Mr Hawking.
“Tris,” Carmody beckoned him over and he reluctantly obliged. “Could you keep a hold of her for me? Maybe give her some gentle pats while I give her a more thorough examination. You’re okay.” Tristan hadn’t realised his hands were shaking until Carmody took them and guided one to hold the rope and the other to stroke Goldie's muzzle.
“Does she spend much time with your other horses?” Carmody asked once he was confident Tristan was okay.
“She rarely lets us near her anymore. I’m surprised she even let you bring her outside. She spends most days facing the back wall and kicking up a fuss when anyone tries to move her.”
Tristan looked up and met eyes with Carmody. It was clear they’d both come to the same diagnosis. It was only a brief distraction and they did seem to get lost in each other's eyes for a second too long. Long enough for Goldie to get agitated. She shook her head abruptly causing Tristan to let go of the rope and stumble a few steps back. This however created a barrier between the two vets as she turned back towards the barn. Carmody ducked just in time to miss getting knocked down by the horse's neck but then Tristan watched as if in slow motion as the mare reared her front legs above Carmody's head, far too close for comfort.
“Richard!” Tristan didn’t hesitate, breaching the short distance between them to grab Carmody’s arm and pull him to safety. Which just so happened to be into Tristan's embrace.
Mr Hawking had managed to grab hold of the rope again and with Goldie's hooves back on the ground, he was copying what Carmody had guided Tristan to do a minute earlier which seemed to calm her again easily.
“Are you alright?” Tristan asked a clearly shaken Carmody. The younger man brushed himself down and found his composure. Tristan didn’t want to let him go but he couldn’t tell whether that were for his own benefit or Carmody’s. Their eyes met again and it was obvious Tristan wasn’t hiding his panic very well.
“Faring better than you it seems. Why don’t you go back to the car and I’ll finish up here? It shouldn’t take me much longer.”
Tristan didn’t know how to respond. He was frozen with his fist bunched in the fabric of Carmody’s shirt sleeve. Everything had flashed so quickly in his mind. One second they were in the Dales with a horse the next Tristan was pulling a fellow soldier out of the way of an explosion and now Richard Carmody was standing before him just narrowly missing being blown up. He couldn’t control his breathing as it came in rapid gulps. Carmody looked at him desperately.
Mr Hawking had led Goldie back to the stable where she seemed to have calmed considerably. But he was heading back now.
“Mr Hawking, would a cup of tea be possible?” Carmody asked.
“You boys sure could use something stronger after that.”
“Just tea would be perfect, thank you.”
Mr Hawking disappeared in the direction of the farmhouse and once he’d turned the corner Carmody took Tristan's hands in his and guided them to his chest so that they were covering his rapid heartbeat.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m okay.” He murmured over the sound of Tristan's breathing. “You’re in Yorkshire again. Just horses and sheep and cows and chickens. You’re with me, it’s just us, okay?”
Tristan's eyes finally focused in on the man before him and the blood rushing in his ears soon made way for the calm quiet of the Yorkshire Dales. And with that came an overwhelming exhaustion. All the hours he hadn’t slept the night before catching up with him until all he could do was slump against Carmody. Carmody hesitated a moment before wrapping his arms around Tristan's shoulders.
“I’m going to talk with Mr Hawking and then we’ll get going.” Tristan nodded against the soft fabric of Carmody's waistcoat. “Can you stand on your own for a couple of minutes?”
Tristan straightened up, rubbing a hand over his face and attempting to pull himself together. Mr Hawking came out with two mugs of tea and Tristan took one with a shaking hand. The sweet aroma was calling to him but he couldn’t risk accidentally throwing it over himself.
Carmody took his and sipped it politely. “Mr Hawking, I believe Goldie may be suffering from depression. Potentially even a little anxiety as well. It would do her a lot of good if she could spend time out in the field with the others, but particularly with her foal.”
“Aye okay.” Mr Hawking looked back at the horse. “I’ll do my best.”
“I’m sure you will. I’ll be back up to check on her in a week's time.”
They bid farewell to Mr Hawking and headed back to the car where they both fell gratefully into the leather seats. There wasn’t much point in pretending he was fine so Tristan just dropped his head into his hands, elbows braced against his knees.
“Tristan?” Carmody rested his hand on Tristan's back, hesitant but comforting all the same. “I can take you back to Skeldale if that’s what you’d like?”
“Don’t leave me.” Tristan didn’t feel there was any point in hiding anymore now that Carmody had seen him at his most vulnerable.
“I won’t,” Carmody said softly. “I can take you back to the house and Mrs Hall can look after you.”
All the fight had left Tristan now so he nodded and lifted his head to rest back against the seat. He knew he looked awful and a glance in the wing mirror only confirmed that. Dried tears and puffy eyes, he looked a mess. But Carmody was still there, his blue eyes staring deep into Tristan's soul, and instead of feeling uncomfortable, Tristan felt seen. Like someone was finally seeing him for him.
Carmody gave him a reassuring smile before turning to the road and starting up the car. Unfortunately, he managed to stall it before it even got going making Tristan jump and reach out, his hand landing on Carmody’s thigh. Fortunately, however, Carmody barely seemed to notice and mumbled an apology before trying again. Tristan extricated his hand slowly, rolled down the window and took deep breaths of the fresh air. He felt much better with a breeze cooling his face and flowing through his hair.
To say that the incident with Goldie hadn’t shaken Carmody a little would have been a lie but he hadn’t quite imagined it to affect Tristan as much as it had.
He snuck a look over at the man sat in the passengers seat beside him as he navigated the high Dales. Tristan had drifted to sleep, his elbow against the window edge, his face resting in his palm as the gentle September air brushed his skin. He looked angelic when he was sleeping. Especially with the sun behind him, creating a halo of his strawberry hair. Carmody had never gotten a close look despite sharing a room with him.
He knew Tristan would protest if he was awake, so Carmody was glad he wasn’t as he took the next crossroads back towards Darrowby. He pulled the car around the back of the house. Even the car braking to a stop didn’t jostle Tristan awake. Carmody watched him a second longer before carefully getting out to search for Mrs Hall or Siegfried for help. If there was any chance Tristan could remain asleep then he was going to take it.
“Mrs Hall?” He called through to the kitchen as he entered from the back door. The house was silent. “Mr Farnon? James?” No one answered his calls. It was unusual for the entire house to be out. Someone was usually in for emergencies but perhaps they’d all already been called to one. Carmody returned to the car to find Tristan still asleep. His arm had fallen from the window now and his head rested on the headrest so Carmody reached over and was able to roll it back up. The car suddenly felt very warm but Carmody wasn’t sure the lack of air was entirely the reason.
“Tris,” He murmured, reaching a hand over to squeeze Tristan's shoulder. He allowed his touch to remain gentle, he didn’t want to frighten him.
“Tristan?” Carmody let his hand come up to stroke Tristan's cheek, his skin soft and warm to the touch. He looked so pure Carmody almost wanted to bundle him up into his arms and never let go. But that wouldn’t help anyone right now.
Finally, Tristan roused. He groaned a little as he did, probably due to the uncomfortable position but he let his head fall further into Carmody’s touch.
“Hey, Tristan,” Carmody kept his voice quiet and calm. “You fell asleep.”
Tristan blinked in the brightness of the day. He rubbed his neck before sitting up straighter and taking in his surroundings.
“Richard,” He mumbled as Carmody was the first thing he seemed to notice.
“I’ve brought you back to Skeldale,” Carmody explained. “I didn’t want to wake you but there’s no one home.”
“But your list–”
“You’re exhausted Tris,” Carmody said for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. “I’m going to help you inside and you’re going to get some proper rest.”
Tristan rubbed at his eyes and nodded reluctantly.
“I won’t leave you alone. I promise.” Carmody reassured and Tristan smiled a grateful and sleepy smile.
With that, Carmody climbed back out of the car and round to Tristan's side where he opened the passenger door for him. Tristan was a little wobbly but he managed to find his feet with a tight grasp on Carmody's arm. They walked slowly together, inside and up the stairs to Tristan's room. Carmody helped him change and then guided him not to the cupboard but to the big bed that Carmody had claimed. Tristan didn’t protest as Carmody tucked him in and drew the curtains. When he turned back to the bed, Tristan was frowning at the ceiling with a pained expression. Carmody perched on the side of the bed and twisted to face him.
“You’re okay now. You’re home and I’m here. I’m not going to judge you or hurt you.” He placed a reassuring hand over Tristan’s. “Is this okay?” He asked.
Tristan's lips twitched into a shy smile as he turned his palm and entangled their fingers, holding on tightly. “It’s more than okay.”
Carmody nodded. “You’ll let me know if you need anything won’t you?”
“Can you just stay until I fall asleep again?” Tristan requested in a small voice.
“Of course.” Carmody kicked off his shoes and manoevered to lie on the bed beside Tristan without letting go of his hand. “Still okay?” Carmody hoped it wasn’t obvious how flustered this whole exchange was making him. His sole focus was on Tristan and making him feel better, he hardly had time to worry about himself until this moment.
“Much better.” Tristan turned and pressed his forehead into Carmody's arm. Carmody squeezed his hand. He knew he’d be getting a telling off from Siegfried later but he hoped the man would be able to tell how much his brother had needed looking after.
Carmody remained with Tristan for about an hour to make sure he was okay. During that time he had heard Mrs Hall return with the dogs. She’d come in the front so she may not have been aware anyone else was home. It was only when Siegfried returned that Carmody felt he needed to say something. He extracted his hand from Tristans and rolled from the bed in the most discrete way possible. Thankfully the other man didn’t budge, fast asleep.
Carmody closed the door silently behind him and crept towards the stairs where he descended and prayed he wasn’t about to get in trouble for neglecting his list.
Siegfried was bumbling about his office and Mrs Hall was filling the kettle ready for tea.
“Mr Carmody, I didn’t realise you were here.” Mrs Hall greeted, a little surprised to see him. “Would you like some tea? I’m putting a pot on.”
“No thank you, Mrs Hall.”
“Carmody is that you?” Siegfried called through the house. He appeared in the doorway a moment later. “Shouldn’t you be out still? You can’t have already finished it’s barely lunchtime.”
“No, I’m afraid it hasn’t been possible.”
“Oh dear,” Mrs Hall frowned. “Car trouble?”
“Um, no actually. It’s Tristan.” Now he had both their undivided attention as Siegfried’s head snapped away from the paper he had been scanning.
“What do you mean?” He looked suspicious as though he wasn’t quite sure what he was about to hear.
“Well, he took a bit of a turn at Mr Hawking’s. One of the horses reared and gave us both quite a fright.” Mrs Hall and Siegfried exchanged a private look. “I’m afraid Tristan took it rather hard. I was worried so I brought him back here and he’s been sleeping ever since.”
“That is a part of the job,” Siegfried said but there was an edge of worry in his voice.
“Mr Farnon, if I might?” Siegfried gestured for him to go on. “I don’t think Tristan is as fine as he makes out. He clearly hasn’t been sleeping and that’s causing him to feel a great amount of anxiety. Up at the stables he seemed to have a moment where he thought he was still out fighting.”
“Poor boy.” Mrs Hall sighed. “I’ll take him up some tea. You did the right thing, Mr Carmody, bringing him back here.” She squeezed his arm.
Siegfried looked lost in his own thoughts.
“Mr Farnon?” Mrs Hall prodded.
“Yes quite. I should go and see that he’s alright.” Carmody didn’t want to tell him not to. It was obvious Siegfried was trying to disguise his worry but he was never the best at expressing his feelings and Carmody didn’t want him going upstairs and causing a rut that would make everything all the worse.
When Tristan woke he was immediately aware of the lack of body beside him. He’d fallen asleep next to Carmody and the man had promised he wouldn’t leave. He sat up trying not to panic as he felt around in the dark. Hands reached out and gripped his shoulders, steadying him.
“You’re okay little brother.” That wasn’t Carmody. “It’s just me. It’s Siegfried.”
That didn’t alleviate Tristan’s panic as much as it should have. Siegfried wouldn’t understand. Richard was the only person he could talk to.
“Mrs Hall made you tea. It should help.” Siegfried flicked on the lamp and pressed a mug into Tristan’s shaking hands.
“Carmody has explained everything.” Siegfried said tightly. “I’m glad you felt you could talk to him about it.”
Tristan’s brain was just catching up.
“You know you could have talked to me. I understand Tristan. I’ve been through it as well.”
Tristan nodded. “Sorry, Siegfried.” He managed a small sip of tea and was immediately grateful for its comforting warmth.
“You can talk to any of us. I like to think of Mrs Hall as a mother to you sometimes.” He said awkwardly. “You have her wrapped around your little finger.” They both managed a snort of laughter at that.
“It was more that Carmody was in the right place at the right time,” Tristan said but that wasn’t explicitly true. He felt a different kind of safety with Carmody. If he ever found himself in Carmody's arms he wasn’t sure he’d ever want to leave. He loved his brother but they’d been through a lot and sometimes he just needed to talk to someone who didn’t define him by his past.
Siegfried just nodded. “I’m sorry if being back here has made you feel like you have to jump back into being a vet. I’ve been trying to let you decide what you want to do yourself but–”
“It’s not that.” Tristan stopped him quickly. “I’ve been pushing myself into establishing normalcy but I need to accept that there’s a new normal. I’m a different person for one. And I’m getting used to having new people around and working out where I fit back in.”
“I’m sorry about Richard.” Siegfried took a look around the room. “I never wished for you to feel unwelcome in your own house. I can look into finding him new lodgings–”
“No.” Tristan interrupted again. “No, I– I like him actually. I’ve gotten used to his presence and it's… comforting.”
Siegfried nodded. “I’m glad.” He smiled. “He’s become like family.”
“You’re fond of him,” Tristan observed.
“We all are. No one could ever replace you but he has become like an extra brother, if you will.”
Tristan smiled a genuine smile. “I’m glad you have him. I’ve worried about you too.”
Siegfried looked touched. “Really?”
“Of course.” Tristan nodded. “And then I remember you have Mrs H and I stop.”
Siegfried smacked him lightly on the shoulder as Tristan hid a cheeky grin behind his mug. They remained in companionable silence as they finished their tea. Tristan yawned as he placed the mug on the bedside table and already felt the warmth of the liquid sending him back to sleep. Siegfried took the hint and made his move to leave. Tristan was too exhausted to protest.
By the time Tristan woke again the house felt silent. There wasn’t a slither of light coming from under the bedroom door or the gap in the curtains. The dark caused him to panic and he rolled over in bed to reach for the bedside lamp only to bump into something solid on the bed beside him.
“Tris?” It was Carmody. Within a minute he had the lamp on and was looking at Tristan through sleepy eyes, worry written all over his face.
Tristan's breathing was already heavy but just the sight of Carmody like this in his bed distracted him completely. Carmody reached out to take Tristan's hand and rubbed gentle circles over his knuckles.
“You’ve been asleep most of the day,” Carmody explained. “Would you like to go downstairs? Maybe grab something to eat?”
“But–”
“Don’t worry about anyone else,” Carmody reassured and then slowly beckoned him to follow.
They ended up in the living room with a platter of bread and butter Mrs Hall had left out just in case he’d woken up hungry. She really did spoil him. They made sure to be quiet which was easy enough for Tristan as he was deep in his thoughts about everything that had led them to this moment. First thing this morning he had made a vow to himself that he would confess to Carmody. He hadn’t anticipated just how much would happen in the amount of time since then.
“Thank you for today.” He finally broke the silence.
“It’s no problem,” Carmody said. “I’m glad I’ve been able to help rather than be a nuisance like I usually am.”
“Whoever told you that?”
Carmody wouldn’t meet his eyes as he pulled on a loose thread of his pyjamas. “Not directly but I suppose that’s how my parents always viewed me.” He chanced a look up at Tristan's frown. “Sorry, that’s insensitive considering…”
“I’m sorry they made you feel like that. I hope you know you’re not seen as a nuisance here.”
“Even when you came home to find I’d stolen your bed?” He asked shyly.
Tristan chuckled quietly. “Even then.”
“I’ve never felt so at home anywhere else,” Carmody admitted.
“Skeldale has that effect on people.”
Carmody nodded. “I never expected to find a family when I took up this position. I can’t ever imagine leaving.”
“And you don’t have to.” Tristan smiled. “My brother enjoys your company, Mrs Hall treats you like another son,”
“And you?” Carmody asked, looking across at Tristan through his lashes.
“I–” Tristan swallowed. This was it. “I already told you how endearing I find you.”
Carmody looked away and Tristan stared longingly at him.
“Are you going to tell me about this girl you’re so fond of then?” Tristan nudged trying to lighten the tension that had fallen upon them. It didn’t work, Carmody only straightened in his seat and Tristan's heart began to break just at the thought.
There was silence again and Tristan cursed himself for his timing. He needed to find something else to say before his emotions betrayed him.
“I was never that specific,” Carmody whispered so quietly Tristan almost didn’t hear him. “You see, when I arrived in Darrowby I felt completely at odds. No one wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt, Siegfried and James were short-tempered and impatient. I put that down to their worry about the war and they were still learning how to cope with you gone.”
“Not sure why, I was never much help even when I was here.” Tristan tried cracking a joke at his own dispense but Carmody sent him a disapproving look.
“I didn’t truly understand either if I’m being truthful. I heard stories about you but that was all. Of course, your picture was kept on Siegfried’s desk, so I knew what to expect when you arrived but I wasn’t fully prepared.” Carmody paused. He wouldn’t look at Tristan, only stared at the fireplace in front of them.
“Prepared for what?” Tristan eventually pried.
“For how charming you would be. For how kind and genuine you would be under all of that bravado. You put on a mask for people on the outside but in here you’re completely yourself. I wonder whether it would do you good to take your own advice.”
“I can’t do that,” Tristan mumbled. Now he was looking away as Carmody finally glanced his way. “These people have known me since I was a boy and they’ve known my brother longer. Most of them knew my parents longer than I ever did. They expect me to act a certain way.”
“Well, you’ve made your own path for yourself now. You’re no longer under Siegfried’s surveillance. And even if you’re not ready for that I want you to know that you can be completely yourself with me.”
They finally met eyes and Tristan could have melted under Carmody’s gaze. There were tears gathered in Tristan's eyes making them shine under the low lamp light.
“I find it hard to trust people.” He confessed. “But you make it so easy.” His voice broke a little and Carmody shuffled closer and placed a hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“It’s okay,” Carmody murmured. Tristan couldn’t help it, he leant forward and rested his forehead against Carmody’s, eyes closed and tears falling delicately. He felt so pathetic but Carmody's warm hand cupped his cheek, catching the tears before they could get any farther.
“Sorry, I’m such a mess at the moment.” Tristan sniffled but he didn’t move. He was enjoying being so close to Carmody again, and this time he could relish in the moment for as long as he wished. There would be no one to interrupt them.
“Nonsense,” Carmody reassured with a gentle caress to Tristan's cheek. “I happen to find you completely endearing too by the way.”
“Even like this?” Tristan huffed a small laugh, his smile wobbly but his glassy eyes open to meet Carmody’s.
“Even like this.” Carmody smiled back. “Especially like this.” His eyes fell to Tristan's lips before flickering back to his eyes as though asking for permission. Tristan wasted no time, pushing his cheek further into Carmody's hand to meet the man's mouth with his own.
Carmody responded immediately, pushing back against Tristan, slow and beautiful and nothing like any kiss Tristan had ever experienced before. He was used to being rushed and hasty. Passionate but frantic. He’d never felt so much love transfer through a kiss and his previously aching heart grew fuller by the second. Tristan lifted his hands to cup Carmody's neck, one trailing its way up into the man's soft, sleep-ruffled hair.
When they pulled apart it was because Tristan could taste his tears continuing to trickle down his cheek. Their foreheads rested together again and Carmody allowed his nose to brush Tristan’s as reassurance that he was still there.
“Sorry.” Tristan apologised again.
“Don’t.” Carmody shook his head softly.
“I just can’t seem to stop.” He sniffed. Carmody immediately wrapped his arms around Tristan and they buried their faces in each other's shoulders.
“I’m here for you. Whenever you need me.” Tristan squeezed Carmody tighter and held on like a lifeline. They remained like this in silence for a few minutes until Tristan felt ready to let go. He sat back against the sofa and rubbed at his eyes. Carmody took his hand and snuggled up to his side.
“Thank you,” Tristan whispered. He placed a soft kiss to Carmody's hair and the other man smiled.
“It’s no problem.” Carmody tucked his head into Tristan's neck and angled to look up at him, his nose brushing Tristan's chin. “I want you to know that you can always come to me. That’s how much I’ve come to care for you.”
Tristan's face broke into a small smile. “Likewise.” He replied but he must’ve still looked troubled.
“Just focus on the here and now if you can. And try to get some more sleep.”
It wasn’t difficult with Carmody tucked into his side. Tristan wrapped his arms around the smaller man and let his face nuzzle his hair as he nodded off.
It was Mrs Hall who eventually found them when she got up to make breakfast a few hours later. She shook them awake and urged them to retreat back upstairs before the rest of the house found them. They hurried away red in the face but reassured that Mrs Hall wouldn’t go spreading anything about seeing them cosied up on the sofa.