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It was a good thing Chris was out of the house when the yelling started. Buck had never been one to yell in a fight. He’d had enough of that with his parents in his early teen years and then later during basically every step in the military. After a while, he stopped yelling back.
Except when the man he loved so desperately with every piece of him was saying something so monumentally stupid; feelings riding so high on both sides that the tension pulled taught until it exploded in tones that would give a drill instructor a run for their money.
“If you want to go, then go!” Buck yelled, feeling like everything he had worked for was about to be ripped from him again.
Shock splattered across Eddie’s face. “Buck?! That’s not—”
“No, Eddie! I left the SEALs for you,” he spat, more venom in his tone than he’d originally intended. “I left my team, my family, because I love you! And you’re what? Shoving that back in my face?!” His heart was cracking at the possibility of the bleak future that awaited him.
Eddie’s face hardened. “Don’t put that on me! That was your decision. You made the choice to leave on your own. I didn’t ask you to.”
“Oh, maybe not with words; not directly. But you can’t just leave. Not like this!”
“I have to,” Eddie insisted.
Buck glared. “No! You really don’t! What about me? What about Chris?”
“You know that's the only fucking reason I would ever go back!”
“Oh really?!” Buck bit, disbelief colouring his tone. “Because you sure do seem eager!”
Eddie scoffed. “Oh, yeah. I love being a tool of the military-industrial machine," he barked sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "We’re not all you .”
Hurt flashed across Buck’s face as the jab landed. “Fine! Then let me go back.”
“No,” he refused point blank.
Buck threw his hands up in disbelief. “Why not, huh? If you think I enjoy being a tool of war then why not let me go back?” he asked, trying to weaponize the hurt that accusation had caused. No one knew how much his actions haunted him quite as intimately as the man he shared a bed with.
“It's safer for me!” Eddie insisted. “I’m more likely to make it. I won’t throw my life away like it doesn’t fucking matter. I will fight with everything I have to make it back here! I can’t count on you to do the same!”
“Oh, so you don’t trust me?!” Buck yelled, twisting his words to suit his argument, uncaring for the way the accusation sunk its teeth into the man he loved.
“I trust you to stay here and take care of Chris! I trust myself to make it back home,” he countered coolly.
“That doesn’t matter! You still want to leave, alone. I won’t be there!”
“No, you won’t,” Eddie affirmed. “You’ll be here, home, safe with Chris,” he said as if it was supposed to make everything better. Maybe it did for him, but for Buck’s fragile state of mind, it was another match to the fire.
“I can watch my own six in the field. You can’t just run off again!” he roared. His blood pounded in his ears and blood flushed his face and angry pink. He was being abandoned again. Eddie was going to run off, leave him despite his promises, his vows. “Is this Shannon all over again? Am I—” his voice broke, “Do you still want me?”
Eddie looked like he’d been punched. It would have been nicer if he had hit him rather than ripping open old and new wounds alike.
“Buck-” Eddie’s voice sounded so broken, but now that he’d given voice to one of his deepest anxieties, they were spilling out of him like water out of a crack in a dam, pressure too high to stop the flow; soaking deep into everything they touched, causing devastation.
“I won’t take your son from you,” Buck vowed. “I won’t keep you two apart. I’ll leave. I already said I’d go back to active duty. I meant it. You won’t have to see me, or call, or anything. I’ll still send you the money.”
He was spiralling now, words spilling faster than concrete plans could set. “I’ll still help with Christopher—from a distance. Even if you don’t—” he choked as tears finally began to spill down his face, blurring his vision and thoughts, “Don’t love me anymore, I still love Chris, love you. I’d help even if—”
Eddie was at a loss now as well, panicking from the moment Buck’s eyes had filled with tears. “Buck, no. I love you, baby.”
Buck didn’t hear him still rambling, “Jason will take me back and I’ll go. You and Chris are my benefactors. If you’re lucky, I’ll bite it, go out on my shield. Then you won’t have to fucking deal with me anymore!”
Buck tugged harshly on his hair as the tears poured steadily now, unbidden from his eyes and blocked the whole world out as he spiralled into himself. “It's better. It's better that way. I never deserved you either. I shouldn’t have expected you to—I never…”
“Evan?” Eddie pleaded, his heart shattering at the turn things had taken and desperately wanting to touch, to reach out. He didn’t know if he was still allowed to. If he’d pushed Buck away without meaning to; stumbled too hard into a thicket of his husband’s insecurities that he hadn’t known had been festering, growing and rooting deep into their relationship.
Buck looked up, meeting wide brown eyes with watery blue. Eddie looked so pained, so hesitant as he placed a soft hand on his wrist, cautious.
“Please,” Eddie pleaded. “None of that is true. I love you. I need you. Chris needs you.” He gently worked Buck’s hands from their violent hold in his curls and wrapped them gently in his own.
Buck shook his head, averting his eyes. “No—”
Eddie ducked his head to catch Buck’s eyes. “Darling, look at me, please.”
He sniffled and finally met his eyes again.
“You believe you’re expendable, but you’re not. We need you here, Evan. Just as much as you need us. I won’t let you go.”
More tears traced down damp cheeks. “You can’t leave,” he breathed, desperate.
Eddie sighed and squeezed Buck’s hands lightly. “I don’t want to, but…” He trailed off when Buck violently shook his head.
Buck’s world was slipping through his fingers. “We’ll figure it out, but there has to be another solution. I can’t have you running back.” He needed Eddie to understand this. He would rather they be out on the streets together than send his husband back into combat.
“It’s not like it was with Shannon,” Eddie countered. “I’m not running. I want to be here. I want to help raise my son and to be here for you. I can’t do that if we can’t afford Chris’ medical care, though. I need to support our family.”
Buck gritted his teeth, his eyes becoming steely again. “Find another way.”
Eddie looked to be at a loss. “I can’t—I don’t-”
He shifted their hands so Eddie’s were now covered by his strong grip. “We’ll figure it out,” he reasserted, grip as strong as his conviction. “I’ll pick up another job, put the academy on hold. We might be able to move back in with your parents. I’ll make some calls, see if the boys will help out. Fuck, I’d call my parents if I thought it would help. Anything. Anything Eds. As long as you stay here, stay safe.”
“Buck-” Eddie croaked, but they both knew he’d won this round. At least for the time being until the next round of bills came and the issue reared its ugly head again.
Eddie brought Buck’s head in with a hand around the back of his neck and buried his face in unruly curls, placing a kiss on the crown of his head. Buck in turn wrapped his arms tightly around the other and let himself finally relax as he felt the steady movement of his husband’s back with every breath.
“I love you,” he spoke into Eddie’s shoulder. “So much.”
Eddie wrapped his other arm around his waist, holding him closer, tighter. “I know. I love you too.”
When Buck pulled his head from his shoulder and met Eddie’s unwavering stare, he felt something in his chest finally settle. This was Eddie, his husband. He loved him and vice versa. They were strong. They could make it through this.
“Please don’t leave me?” Buck whispered into the space between them.
“Never,” Eddie assured him and closed the gap between them, pressing his lips to Buck’s in a saccharine kiss. It was slow and full of unspoken words of apologies and forgiveness.
Nothing was fixed. Nothing was okay. But as long as they had each other, they would make it through this.
They broke apart, but kept their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, just sharing air until Buck finally pulled back.
Without saying anything, not knowing what he would say, he simply led Eddie by the hand to their couch where they settled comfortably into each other. They sat in silence, limbs tangled around each other.
Tonight, there were no more words to say. Maybe in the morning, tomorrow, next week, or in a year they would finally talk about the wounds they’d opened and revealed tonight. Maybe they’d repair the damage instead of hiding it behind smiles and obfuscation.
For now, though, both were content to relax into the other and let time pass. Together they would be able to make it to that morning, that week, that year when they’d finally be able to once again put words to the depths of their souls where they hid the broken parts of themselves. Together and not alone, not apart.