Archive of Our Own ^beta

Christmas should be a wonderful time, but not for them. As people prepare for it, immersed in the usual pre-holiday hustle and bustle, they all have several panic attacks a day. Jeremy doesn't know who to run to first. He tries to take a deep breath, but the air feels thick. Jeremy feels the ground slipping away from under his feet.

Most of all, this damn time is hitting... okay, it's hard to single out any one person. Andrew starts to look at his knives again; Neil is getting ready to run, even though he doesn't need to; Jean just goes into a stupor, and Kevin keeps glancing at the stashed bottle of wine.

Jeremy tries to please everyone, - not to offend anyone in word or deed, - but the more he tries his best, the more pressure he feels. Everything outside the window reminds him that Christmas is coming. He catches himself thinking he should be happy, but he can't.

He closes his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing. He hears Andrew's feet shuffling across the floor as if he were a shadow that can't find peace. Jean lies at his side, staring at the wall. Kevin seems to find solace in alcohol, but Jeremy knows it's only a temporary respite before a new round of despair sets in.

It's the same thing year after year.

Neil begins to stir as well. Jeremy's breath catches. He wants to scream, but instead he smiles, trying to keep a semblance of order. Neil gets out of bed, nervously brushing the tangled strands out of his eyes. Jeremy realizes he's about to start packing, as if running away will solve all his problems. But he can't run away from himself.

Indeed. Neil grabs his backpack, stuffing it with everything he can get his hands on. He wants to stop him, to say something to hold him back, but the words get stuck in his throat. Instead, he just watches Josten nervously zipping up and down as if every second counts. Andrew freezes in the doorway, quietly tapping the blade of his knife against his wrists. Jeremy barely restrains the urge to knock it out of Minyard's hands.

"Stop him," Andrew says apathetically.

"Andrew, I don't..."

Minyard hums, waving it away irritably.

"Don't slow down."

Jeremy stands up as if on command, but his legs are shaky. He takes a step toward Neil, avoiding his icy, furious gaze. He can't get a word out. Jean immediately dies down, watching them too.

"Neil, wait," Moreau's voice is shaking, but he's trying to sound firm. "Stay."

Neil stops, but his fingers are still clutching the strap of his backpack. His eyes, full of pain, stop on Jean. He doesn't see Andrew or Jeremy, just him, covered in abrasions, barely on his feet within the walls of Evermore. Neil's thoughts hover in the Nest.

Jean takes a step forward, wobbling but not falling, and his hand reaches for Neil's arm, trying to hold on to what is already slipping away.

"We can do this. Together."

Neil smirks venomously.

"Together? You're barely hanging on."

Jeremy feels his heart clench. He knows Neil is right, but he can't admit it out loud. Instead, he tries to touch his shoulder, but Josten pulls away sharply.

"Don't touch me, damn it," Neil hisses, cutting through the silence. "You don't know what I've been through. No one does."

Andrew, still standing in the doorway, laughs quietly. It sounds like a sentence to Neil.

"That's it, isn't it? You're the only one who's s-o-o-o-o-o poor, aren't you?"

Neil turns sharply to Andrew.

"You think this is funny? You have no idea what it's like to be cornered, when every day is a struggle for survival."

Andrew shrugs.

"Of course, I'm no match for you, the great martyr."

Jeremy can feel the tension in the room building. He wants to say something to stop the chaos, but the words seem as empty as the air he can barely breathe.

"That's enough. After all, Christmas is coming soon."

Neil snorts.

"As if that changes anything. It's almost become the day I die."

Andrew prefers to agree with him. The mere mention of that damned holiday makes his knees weak, and his mind flashes back to the worst Christmas of his life. The hands on his body, the vile words, the fog in his head - all mixed into one stinking pile. He tried to push those memories away, he really did, but it simply wasn't possible these days.

Jeremy frowns, not quite sure what the problem is. He knows his boys hate Christmas, but he's never really delved into the problem. In his musings, he doesn't even notice Kevin joining their bacchanalia.

"Don't, Jer," Day warns.

Andrew interrupts him.

"I was raped on Christmas. Neil and Jean were tortured at Evermore. It's not a fucking holiday for us."

Jeremy freezes. Everything is mixed up in his head: guilt, confusion, fear. Breathing is getting faster. All Knox can do is clench his fists, trying not to burst into tears right in front of everyone. He has no right to be weak in their presence. His boys have been through much worse experiences.

Neil doesn't seem to notice anyone around him. His eyes stare into the void, where Evermore's shadows are coming back to life. He breathes deeply, trying to drown out the screams that still echo in his head.

Kevin, watching all of this, feels his own heart clench. He knows how horrible the Nest can be. Just as he knows that Neil and Jean have experienced its cruelty firsthand. And it wasn't a fairy tale for him, either. Kevin can't fix the past, but he swears to himself that he'll do everything he can to make their future much brighter.

"I...I didn't know," Jeremy finally says.

Kevin walks over to him, raking him into an armful. Jeremy's body trembles in his arms. His thoughts are jumbled, and his heart is pounding so loud it feels like it's about to burst out of his chest.

Neil's backpack falls to the floor with a clatter, and he is instantly beside himself. Tears burst out. He doesn't know how to fix this, but he realizes he can't just walk away. Even if it hurts. Neither of them has an easy life.

"Hey, come on," Kevin gets lost, stroking Jeremy's back. "Do you want us to decorate the house and, I don't know, cook a turkey? We're going to have an ordinary, unremarkable Christmas."

Jean approaches Andrew, taking the blade from his fingers. It's useless here. Minyard immediately grabs it, losing his balance.

"You're not alone," Jean says quietly. "I know it's hard, but what happened is over. No one will ever hurt you again."

Andrew is silent, but he doesn't push Jean away. His hands reflexively clench into fists. His brain remembers the need to defend itself, even if he doesn't need to anymore.

Jeremy exhales slowly, trying to calm the trembling in his body. His gaze slides over the boys' faces, and he sees not only pain, but something else in them; a hope that he seems to have planted in them.

"Okay," he says quietly, straightening up. "No Christmas. No trees and lights and stuff. Not when it's a trigger for all of you."

Kevin nods, not daring to argue and still holding Jeremy by the shoulders. His touch is warm, almost soothing, but Knox can still feel the storm raging inside. He doesn't want to be the cause of more pain. These boys deserve peace.

"Why don't we just spend time together?"  Kevin suggests. "We don't need a holiday to do this."

Neil silently picks up his backpack and tosses it aside. He doesn't say a word, just stays close by. Jean, letting go of Andrew, turns her gaze to Jeremy.

"La lumière de ma vie, take it easy. We will not do anything that hurts, but we will celebrate."

Jeremy's face lights up with a smile. He jumps up quickly; he's off somewhere. When he returns, he sets the box on the floor and opens it, pulling out Christmas ornaments, garlands, and other little things. The boys, not thinking long, join him. It's time to make new memories.

The garlands sparkle, reflecting the lights, and the brightly colored balls shimmer like gems. Jeremy offers to decorate the tree with excitement in his voice. His eyes light up as if he is seeing this miracle for the first time, even though he has repeated the same ritual every year of his life. He takes the glass ball, hangs it carefully on the branch, and takes a step back to appreciate the result.

"I never thought I'd say this, but... it turns out it's not that bad," Andrew says.

"Yeah," Jean agrees, looking at the abundance of decorations in front of him. "Sometimes you just need to forget about the past."

Kevin, watching Jeremy, can't contain his smile. He moves closer, wrapping garland around the tree. Neil takes a few balls and hangs them on the lower branches. Jean, standing next to Andrew, hands him a silver star, and after a moment's hesitation he places it on top of the tree.

Someone turns on some music, the melody fills the room. Jean starts humming something in French, and Kevin joins in, unable to help himself.

The room is filled with warmth, despite the cold outside the window. The lights of the garlands twinkle, creating a cozy atmosphere. Jeremy invites everyone to sit on the floor, and they gather in a circle, wrap themselves in blankets and turn on the movie. Even Andrew, who is usually silent and doesn't like to be touched on his bad days, stays, and it sounds like a small victory.

Time seems to slow down, and each of them realizes that such moments are the most precious. Jeremy closes his eyes, breathing in the scent of pine, and mentally thanks fate for this evening. He knows that tomorrow everything will be back to normal, or maybe not, but it will all be worth it.