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He did not know what to do.
That was the truth of the matter.
He had never – he had not believed – there had been a time when –
But things had happened, and Castiel Novak had taken action, and now here he was, all alone in the world, for the first time since he could remember.
The very first thing he had learned upon re-entering the world, as his therapist had put it, was that – that –
It was a really loud place. Loud and colourful and big and terrifying, as opposed to what he had believed for all these years. When he had been with his family, when there had been a clear right and wrong and a line in-between, when he had known where he belonged, everything had appeared so… logical, as if God had indeed created everyone and everything with a clear plan in mind, and so this was the bets of all the possible worlds (he had only very recently learned that their pastors had stolen that line, like so many things from someone else).
Now, though…
Now. He could no longer say when or why the doubts had first come. Had it been when Anna had left? Before? After? He would never know, but said doubts had come and grown and grown and growing, and there had been nothing he could have done about it until the morning when he woke up and knew that he had to leave.
There had been fights of course, screaming, threats that he would no longer be welcome in God’s kingdom. All of that, he had expected and accepted.
What he had failed to take into account, however, was how lonely he would be once he actually made it out.
He had been shown the door and, after a lengthy tour of the state that he no longer wished to recall, had eventually settled in Lawrence because there had been nowhere else for him to do, the money he’d made with menial jobs running out yet again.
It was not a bad little town, no, it was not. As a matter of fact, considering what Castiel was used to, it rather seemed like a large city to him, and the people were friendly enough, and he even had found a job in a grocery store, and a very small place to stay near it, but for all of that, he felt lonely, as he supposed anyone who had spent his lifetime surrounded by those who thought the same and believed the same as one did oneself would have in the same situation.
Now, after nearly six months of being out in the right world, or however he was supposed to call it, he could say that the holidays – any holidays – were one of those things that had surprised him the most.
Growing up, he had been taught that it was a sin to do anything but worship the Lord with abandon.
And now, he was coming to realize that for the rest of the world, it was the complete opposite.
There were decorations and music and food everywhere. He could not walk down a single street without a ship window loudly announcing that it would be Christmas soon. Everywhere he turned, people tried to sell him something because it was the right time for it, or something like that.
He didn’t understand, and he didn’t think he would ever understand.
And then – Dean happened. Often would he think, even decades afterwards, that this was the right way of putting it.
Dean (the third or fourth time they had seen each other he had introduced himself because “seems like we’ll be seeing quite a bit of one another, man”) usually did his grocery shopping during Castiel’s shifts, and he was always friendly and kind and, of course, it was the first thing he had noticed about him, very beautiful.
“Hey, man.”
“Hello, Dean.” He blushed.
He looked around. “You haven’t decorated yet.”
“I don’t think my boss believes it to be necessary.” Zachariah had indeed mentioned Christmas decorations, but mostly as an unnecessary expense to be avoided, so he could say that with relative certainty.
“It probably isn’t… shame though”. Dean grinned at him. “You should see my own shop. Christmas, Christmas everywhere! Feel free to visit anytime.”
It was not the first time he had told him something like that. Castiel though had had a few very painful lessons early on about what to expect from other people (another shock after being taught his entire life that everyone should and di fear God and that therefore it was their duty to look after others, although upon thinking about it further, he could not say that his family had helped many people, or any, over the course of his life) and was sadly aware that this beautiful man probably did not mean it.
So he nodded and was surprised when he said, “Dean, by the way. And my shop’s just down the next street.”
That evening, after he’d finished his shift, he walked there, telling himself he just wanted to see what Dean did for a living.
Only to realize that he had absolutely no way of identifying the shop Dean had meant.
Well, maybe except for –
It was ridiculous to go by which shop had the most Christmas decorations, so that was exactly what he did.
Oh. Auto repairs and restorations. He did not even have a license himself.
But Dean had invited him, so…
When he opened the door the bell rang out and a crisp British voice called out “One moment!”
The woman who came to greet him looked rather beautiful, and for some reason, he wondered if she was Dean’s wife and why he was sort of upset about that.
But she only shook her head. “Oh, you are the guy from the shop down the street, aren’t you? The reason I haven’t been getting any real tea for weeks now – “
“Yeah, yeah, Bela, your sacrifice is appreciated” Dean told her, emerging from what Castiel imagined was actually the auto shop part of the shop. “Hey, Cas.”
No one had ever given him a nickname before. His family did not dare abbreviate the names that had, as his parents had claimed, been chosen for them by God.
“Hello, Dean.”
He chuckled, “So what do you think?”
He obviously meant the decor and not the shop in itself, which was warm and clean and just in general very inviting, but he had learned early on not to tell people such things, especially not attractive people like Dean, because they acted strange when he did, so he looked at all the Christmas cheer that had bene hung up and said, “It seems to fit the spirit of the season”.
Bela laughed. “I see what you mean.”
Castiel did not, but Dean was blushing a very becoming shade of pink, which distracted him. “Yeah, yeah” he mumbled. “So, Cas, wanna see the sights?”
He nodded because he already suspected he would have gone anywhere Deana sked.
He did not quite know hat to make of it all. He knew cars, of course, although he had never been in a shop before; but from what Dean said, he knew what he was doing, and he was obviously very proud of his place, as he could be.
It was when he asked, “So, Cas, any plans for the holidays?” that he was left speechless. It was a normal thing to ask, of course. People did it all the time. he had overheard such talks more than once at work, or when he had gone to a coffeeshop. But even so, he had no idea what to reply, because as far as he could tell, he did not have any plans, or what would be called such.
“Seeing family or…”
“My family disowned me because I could no longer prescribe to their faith” he told him honestly, only realizing he had made a mistake when he saw Dean’s stricken face. He quickly tried to apologize.
“No, no, man, don’t do that, I – shouldn’t have assumed, god, I’m so sorry – “ he rubbed his face with his right hand. “And me of all people too… families can be – difficult. God knows they can be. So… you’re on your own, are you?”
He nodded because he didn’t want to Dean more uncomfortable than he already clearly was. He had little to no experience when it came to such things, but he thought he was rather making a mess of it all, which was a shame because Dean was kind and funny and beautiful and –
“So, you’re invited to mine then, of course.”
Of course? Had he missed a social cue again? It was more than likely, but on the other hand, he had never heard of such a thing… “I – you really don’t –“
“Nah, really. I always do a big party for friends and family on the 24th; with how many people show up, no one will probably notice you anyway.”
That… actually sounded rather nice, because he wouldn’t know what to do at a party, but on the other hand, Dean would be there, so…
“See you then?” he asked and Castiel nodded.
They had seen each other again before the party, mostly because Dean needed groceries like any other man, but every time had felt special to Castiel because – because –
Dean was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, inside and out, and Castiel wanted to see him, be with him as often as possible –
He never allowed himself to dwell on – on more. That was not… it was the reason he had left his family, for one, and he could easily imagine what they would say, and Dean must have so many other people interested in him, and he did not even know if he was interested in men, most likely not, but that did not change Castiel’s feelings at all.
When the day arrived, eh quickly realized that he had no idea whatsoever how to dress himself. Not that he had many clothes to begin with, but he wanted to look his best for Dean, even though he knew that he would not be – that there was not –
In the end, he simply put on his best jeans and shirt and showed up at Dean’s door hoping it would all go well.
Dean opened immediately upon his ring, grinning brightly. “Hey, Cas! Merry Christmas.”
“Hello, Dean. It’s not quiet Christmas yet…”
He chuckled. “Suppose not, but hey, some countries celebrate today instead of tomorrow, so it’s good enough for me.”
He was one of the first to arrive, but quickly met all of Dean’s friends (so it seemed at the time to him, he would learn eventually that these were just who he considered his closest ones) like Benny, Charlie, Bela he of course already knew, and Crowley, who somehow managed to look like he was here under protest but was still very much part of the group.
“You’ll get used to the mayhem eventually” dean told him and he thought that he very much wanted to, that he in fact had never wanted anything so much in his life except for –
But the party then began in earnest, and he tried to actually socialize.
All in all, he thought he did reasonably well, and it was somewhat late when Crowley cleared his throat. “Hey, Squirrel, thought you were not one to ignore traditions.”
“What do –“ And Dean looked up from their talk and groaned. “Who did this?”
Cas stared at the mistletoe as Dean turned back to him. “Well I would hate to go against tradition…”
And before he could say anything, he had covered his lips with his.
Cas barely heard the cheers of the others.
Years later
“But Papa…”
“Now, now, we can’t do that, and you know it very well.” As a matter of fact, if his daughter so much as dared touch Bela’s computer, there would probably be hell to pay, which Cas was not ready to risk. “Why don’t we go and have some more fun in Daddy’s office?”
That was met with a happy cheer, so they proceeded with this plan.