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Maybe it was in middle school when he fell.
It was definitely then.
With Tamaki in all his glory, so bright and happy, how could he not fall?
It seemed that many people shared his sentiment, with Tamaki getting confessions every other week.
Still, he rejected each and every one, smiling gracefully at each teary girl.
Not one of them held it against him.
Who would?
***
“Kyoya ♬~!” Tamaki flicked at his forehead “Earth to Kyoya?!”
Kyoya rubbed his forehead sorely.
“There are other ways to get a person's attention, you know?” He scowled angrily.(He would take a thousand of those for Tamaki to look at him they way Kyoya looked at Tamaki-)
“You always respond when I do this though!” Tamaki giggled.
Kyoya brushed Tamaki off, with a light pink dusting his cheeks.
***
Kyoya sometimes felt like a moon.
So isolated and dark. It was always lonely, trying and being made to be bigger than you really are.
But when he met Tamaki, the wonderful sun, he found something to orbit around.
Something that mattered to him.
***
He feels empty.
What’s the point anyways?
If he wakes up, it’s not as if it would matter.
His father would look at him, disappointed but not surprised that his third son is such a failure.
He tucks into the sheets a little tighter before waking up to start the day.
***
Tamaki’s smiles were really beautiful.
Not the ones reserved for host guests, shining like a bright light in a dark world.
Not the ones tailored for elders and family, always civil and striking respect that those politicians thought they never had.
No, even though Kyoya could appreciate and adore those smiles in all their lovely glory, he did have a favourite.
The ones when he and Tamaki are alone and he grins slightly, different from his usual exuberant displays. He seems more sincere.. More, Tamaki.
***
Tamaki will never like him back.
He lets go of this childish longing early on into realisation.
He has this confirmed as Haruhi joins the club.
Why else would Tamaki look at her that way? It reminds him of his middle school self. So lovesick. Too naive.
There’s no reason Tamaki would like him, they’re both boys, and Kyoya is just so obviously very incompatible with each other that it just makes Kyoya so..
He clenches his hands. Tamaki is better off never noticing. They both are.
***
It feels so hard.
Trying to let go of Tamaki.
But he keeps coming back.
Like an addiction.
He eventually accepts it. It becomes a part of him.
This can’t be good for him.
***
Kyoya’s staying home again.
Maybe all that blushing over Tamaki has caught up to him.
He’s caught a fever. At least now he has an actual excuse to stay home and rest.
Of course the moment Kyoya actually starts drifting off into deep sleep Tamaki barges in. He’s always caught Kyoya by surprise like this.
“KYOYA?!” Tamaki exclaimed, coming over to check up on him. “Are you alright? I heard you were sick from Tachibana and you usually come early and you’re never late so-” Kyoya placed a hand over his mouth.
“Tamaki, if you heard that I had a fever, then why are you talking in such a loud voice? Please leave, I need rest.”
Tamaki took Kyoya’s hand off his mouth and crossed his arms as his eyes averted away from Kyoya’s gaze. “Not until I’m sure you feel better! Now wait here until I bring soup.”
Kyoya facepalmed “ Tamaki, soup isn’t even-” And Tamaki was already off.
Kyoya (selfishly) lets Tamaki take care of him for the rest of the day.
***
Kyoya’s made of lies.
He lies to get what he wants, or what his father would want.
He lies to keep up a facade of what he isn’t.
Tamaki is the first to see through this. It’s part of why Kyoya loves him.
But the fibs never leave. They just settle down when he’s comfortable and catch him off guard when he’s alone.
It consumes him.
The loneliness never stops, after all.
***
The first time Tamaki has an idea that something is not truly ok is when he’s caught Kyoya unawares after a club meeting.
As Kyoya was finishing up the day’s budget and expenses, Tamaki walked up to him staring at the ground.
Kyoya raised an eyebrow. “Do you need anything?”
Tamaki looked up at him, then away to the side.
“Kyoya.. are you.. ok?”
Kyoya looked at him, surprised for a moment, but then regained his composure and put on a mask of polite bewilderment. It had been an exhausting day today, and if anyone would have noticed, it would have been Tamaki. Still there’s no reason to worry him with something so trivial as Kyoya’s feelings.
“Why wouldn’t I be Tamaki? There’s n-”
Tamaki pulled Kyoya into a tight hug.
“Kyoya, it’s ok if you don’t want to tell me right now, but ask for help when you need it, okay?”
Kyoya contemplated pulling away before deciding against it. He thinks he needs it anyways.
He doesn’t want to lose this.
He lets a tear escape as he hugs Tamaki tighter.
***
“ Do you really want to surpass your brothers Kyoya? Or are you just trying to prove something, Kyoya?”
That is the question that shakes his world, though nothing new for Tamaki.
Does he?
He thinks about this at the club, computing finances. He thinks about this at dinner, eating bland food. He thinks about it at night.
This continues for a week before Tamaki asks what’s wrong.
Kyoya doesn’t bother lying this time.
“Ah,” Tamaki moves his hands expressively. “ I didn’t mean for it to bother you this much..”
Kyoya shakes his head. The question wasn’t bothering him so much as it was making him question everything. But that was fine. Everything was fine.
“You know.. If you’re so focused on getting an answer, you should take it slow.”
“.. What?”
“ Rushing things in most cases usually makes problems worse and harder. But if you take your time, I think it’d be easier.” Tamaki smiled brightly.
Kyoya’s heartbeat sped up. Was he doomed from the start?
***
Watching Haruhi and Tamaki dance from afar, Kyoya sighs.
He knew what was going to happen. And yet he still fell for Tamaki, still indulged himself like there was a future where his feelings were requited.
He.. he would have liked it if that happened. It would have made him actually happy.
***
Tamaki was like Kyoya’s anchor, always pulling him through the toughest of times, keeping him calm in the always changing atmosphere.
But once Tamaki started dating Haruhi, he started drifting away from Kyoya.
Kyoya couldn’t blame him. Who’d want to spend more time with his male best friend then his newly obtained girlfriend?
Where did this leave Kyoya?
If an anchor is pulled up from a boat with no captain in rough waters, what will happen?
Kyoya knew these questions had the same answer.