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It’s Christmas time, and he isn’t happy.
It doesn’t make sense.
Not to Tanjiro, who’s can’t pin point what even started this feeling, only that it seems to be growing more with each passing day.
Not to his friends, who look at him funnily when he asks if they feel off about the season as well.
Inosuke doesn’t get it, it’s one of the few times he’s ever experienced Christmas and he’s over the moon with all the festivities. Zenitsu is chatting away excitedly about the gift he wants to get Nezuko, wants to get him and Inosuke, and it only serves to make him feel worse. Even Genya is spending the holiday with his brother, doesn't seem to be having the same problem that he's having. Not when he's talking about old family traditions and worn memories.
And clearly not to the Uzui’s. Tengen looked at him like he had lost his mind when Tanjiro tried to broach the topic. His wives looked heart broken, as though somehow what he was feeling was their fault, a lack of something on their end. It wasn't. It never was, it was completely Tanjiro's own fault, he just didn't know why.
“Don’t worry, you’ll have the flashiest Christmas ever and you won’t have a moment to think about being sad!” Tengen said cheerily, flashing a smile brighter than the snow reflected sun.
He's trying really hard to. Trying hard to fit in with everyone's festive planning so he doesn't have a moment to feel sad.
He makes homemade candy with Mitsuri, drinks eggnog and hot chocolate with Muichiro. Helps Nezuko and Inosuke in wrapping presents and tying ribbons in their hair because they asked him too. Deccorates the butterfly mansion with Zenitsu and laughs when the other boy gets the butterfly girls (himself included) to wear garland around their necks in some gaudy Christmas fashion statement.
He helps shovel paths through the snow for Gyomei, realizing that he probably doesn't need to, but feels better if the stone Hashira can walk a little easier in this weather. Collects fire wood with Rengoku to make a huge bonfire out of, counting snowflakes and counting down the days to Christmas.
And still he feels empty. Like all the moments he thinks he's having a good time is just a lie he's forcing himself to feel for the sake of everyone else. Because the moment Tanjiro stops to think, the horrible feeling comes back again. Like he's going to be sick, only worse, because if he was actually sick at least it would all be over with. But it clings to him.
It feels like something is wrong with him. But there isn’t anything wrong, not physically at least. There might be something messed up in his head however.
He knows this because of the look Shinobu shoots him when she's done examining his chest. Checking him over after the younger slayer complained that it felt like there was a hole growing there. Maybe a re-opened wound?
“There’s nothing wrong. It’s just stress. I know Tengen’s going to go all out for you and your sister, we'll have a Christmas party here, just... try and enjoy yourself, hmm?” She’s smiling when she tells him this, as though the idea of being bought presents doesn’t make his stomach sick.
There is something wrong with him. More than stress, because this feeling isn't stress. Stress was fearing that his sister would be taken from him. Stress was watching his father figure be poisioned and hunted down in front of him in the entertainment district. Stress was not knowing if he was waking in a dream or in realitly. Christmas was not stress.
But Tanjiro didn't know how to explain that. So he nodded, and tried his best to smile when Shinobu offered to teach him later how to make paper chains to hang up as decorations, something she did with Kanao when she was younger.
Knowing the 'problem' doesn't help without having a concrete solution.
“Maybe it’s a cold… Have you gone to talk with Shinobu my child?” Kagaya asks, laying a hand on his forehead, humming as he thinks. He doesn't have the heart to tell the other that he already asked Shinobu just that. That he was hiding out in the master's room away from all the chao- excitement that was going on around the mansion. The elder must come to his own conclusion, frowning softly. “No, I don’t believe it is…”
Tanjiro doesn't mean to worry master Kagaya, or anyone. They're meant to be having a good time after all, he's only ruining it.
"Aren't kids supposed to love Christmas?" Obanai asks with a scowl and Tanjiro must really feel off if one of Obanai's more kinder comments makes him want to cry.
It's Kaburamaru, giving away his owners true intentions, that saves the boy from the embarassing outburst. The snake bumps its head against Tanjiro's forehead lightly, hissing in concern.
"You know if mister 'flashier than the sun' over there's place is too overwhelming you can join Mitsuri and I..." Tanjiro can barely catch what the snake hashira is saying to him, voice soft and maybe concerned? It's hard to tell.
"I don't want to be a bother-"
"Rengoku and his brother are, it wouldn't be that bad having someone else join..."
"I'm making pancakes for breakfast, special ones that my family always loved! You should come!" Mitsuri gushes, having been listening in, before Tengen cuts in, ranting about how unfair it was to be trying to 'steal' his kids away for the holidays.
"Well maybe he should have two Christmas' then!"
"Not a bad idea Mits," Obanai comments, looking towards Tanjiro.
Tanjiro just shakes his head, mostly in answer to Obanai's question, but also to the sheer absurdity of the request.
He's looking forward to spending time with the Uzui's. Really he is. That's not the problem here.
"Then what is?"
He doesn't know.
He doesn't know and it's killing him. Because he should be happy. He should be enjoying this time off. He should be trying to get along with everyone when they are being so kind to him.
But it's all so overwhelming. The food and the presents, the decorations and the laughter. Sure he had all of this growing up, but never to this scale. His family never had the money for the amount of gifts the Uzui's buy for him and Nezuko.
Never had the chance to get something as sweet as dessert for breakfast, followed by a huge Christmas dinner and a party that follows after. Food was scarce, and filling their bellies for a single meal alone was considered a miracle for them.
Christmas' were quiet, the decorations sparse and worn from years of reuse. Each holding a memory that added to the weight of their value.
He and his siblings would receive a piece of honey candy each as a treat, something their mother always promised from a store down in the nearest town.
He and Nezuko got to a certain age where they were happy in simply watching their siblings open the one present they got. A cloth doll, small wooden carved toys, a hand sewn plush... or if they worked to save for the whole year a new kimono piece for when the oldest of their outfits could no longer be mended.
Spending the evening with their mother retelling old fairy tales, singing carols that he's long since forgotten the lyrics to.
It's what he finds himself humming now, curled in on himself while sitting away from the rest of the group festivities. A party meant for the Hashira that he and his sister find themselves invited to.
"Pretty tune." Giyu says, coming to sit by him. "They're," the water pillar scrunches up his nose, as though trying to figure out a way to describe his frien- co-workers, "A lot."
Tanjiro just hums, voice stuck in his throat.
"It took a while for me to join in with these things... they're nothing like how Sabito and I celebrated with Urokodaki. Too much, too quickly."
"I don't think I like the holidays," Tanjiro muttered, waiting for Giyu to look at him as though in shock. "I mean I do like them, but-"
"But you're ready for them to be over." Giyu finishes.
Tanjiro nods, something unwinding in his chest. Finally.
"I don't even know what to do with all the things Tengen got me... and I think I might be sick if I'm asked to eat another bite. I'm happy I think, to be included but..." he sniffles, so much for not feeling like talking. "I want to go home Giyu."
"I get that."
It’s three words that have him sobbing. Irrationally crying for something that will never happen. "I want to go home! I want my mama... it's- it’s not fair-"
He's being held before he realizes what's happening, mismatched fabric swallowing his vision as his body is leaned towards Giyu's chest. He doesn't even realize the hush that has fallen over the group, or the pairs of eyes that track him with worry.
Instead Tanjiro grieves for a past he will never again experience, and Giyu holds him, not bothering to try and quiet the boy's cries past what is already muffled by his haori.
Finally he lifts his head up, only enough to speak through snot and tears "Doesn't mama know it's Christmas? She's 'posed to be home. Wh-why doesn't she come for me an' Nezuko th-then?"
Giyu doesn't know what to say to that childish question. No one does and it shatters their hearts.
It's too easy to burry feelings of loss through everything new going on in their lives now.
It's too easy for it all to come crashing down at a moments notice.
"Oh kid." Tengen says, coming to sit besides the pair, the cheer from earlier gone at the sight of his boy.
Nezuko comes as well, pawing at her brother's sleeve with worry.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry." Tengen rubs his back slowly, trying to coax the younger away from Giyu. "Let's go home little mouse, hmm? Call it a night?"
Tanjiro whines, turning and holding his arms out for Tengen to pick him up.
It's a childish want, but Tengen can't find it in himself to tell the boy that. He's still just a child, and if this one thing might make him feel just a small bit better, who is Tengen to say no?
The sound pillar carries him, in a similar way to how a parent might pick their kid up to take them to bed, after they've fallen half asleep waiting up for Santa Claus to come.
Only this moment isn't filled with a fondness, instead with a feeling of grief and bitterness. This was not how Tengen wanted the evening to end.
He meets Giyu's gaze, nods slowly once just to show that he's got this now, and he really does
He's been aware that Tanjiro wasn't doing well, but he thought the kid just needed a little bit of a nudge to get into the spirit of things.
Clearly Tengen realizes, he pushed him to hard. They all did, but the blame lies in him as Tanjiro's guardian. He didn't stop to listen, didn't try to understand why his sunshine child wasn't acting like himself, and in such a way he failed the boy.
Giyu must notice his resolve, nods slowly and if Tengen didn’t know better he would say the water pillar looked worried. Almost like he was going to reach out himself to take the boy back. In the end he doesn’t, just mumbles a soft “Goodnight.” Before turning and avoiding Tengen’s gaze.
Tengen doesn't say goodbye to everyone, aware of the concerned gazes that follow them. He's surprised when it's only Rengoku who follows them out, Nezuko in tow. He would have thought more people would worry over the boy to see if he was going to be alright.
Maybe they don't want to overwhelm him more. Maybe they realizes when it's better not to push a subject, or that Tengen himself would probably snap at anyone who got to close now and further upset the kid.
All Tengen knows is that he's going to have a million questions to answer come tomorrow all out of concern for a kid who unknowingly made his way into all of their hearts and lives.
Rengoku walks with them, carrying Nezuko in his arms until they have to part ways. He has his little brother waiting at home after all, though the flame pillar looks regretful at having to leave.
He’ll have to remember to send Rengoku a message in the morning. Ask about how his night went and reassure him that they will be fine.
Right now though, there only one thing on Tengen’s mind, as he shifts Tanjiro to one arm, in order to take Nezuko's hand in his.
"Let's go home."