Chapter Text
Minori first hears that word when she’s ten years old.
Her and two of friends are working on a poster together for science about photosynthesis. Well, they were working on it, but then they finished twenty minutes before class was over and now have nothing to do but chat. It’s enjoyable, getting to have fun with her friends, at least until Ayano asks a strange question.
“So, do you guys have any crushes?”
Her tone is light and teasing. Yui starts blushing while giggling nervously, and Minori…doesn’t really understand the question. She knows what a crush is, of course, but wasn’t that stuff for the older kids?
“Ayano, you can’t ask stuff like that! What if someone hears?” Yui says, swatting Ayano on the arm.
“Come on! It’s what everyone’s talking about, and no one will hear if we whisper. Besides, it’s pretty clear you have one! Who is it?” Ayano presses, leaning over the table and over Yui.
“W-Well, it’s…” she lifts her finger and subtly points across the room towards a boy whose name Minori can’t remember. His hair is a silky black, but otherwise he seems unremarkable.
Ayano giggles even more and Yui drops her finger, face fully flushed red. “Him, huh? You know, I’m pretty sure he likes you too! You should totally say something.”
“N-No way! You’re just saying that. Besides, my parents say I’m too young for dating anyways! What about you Minori? Who do you like?”
Minori blinks owlishly. She’s asking the question like the answer should be obvious, but Minori can’t think of anyone, no matter how much she sifts through her brain. “Um…I don’t think I like anyone! Sorry…”
“Don’t be silly!” Ayano exclaims. “Everyone likes someone!”
“Yeah!” Yui agrees. “And it doesn’t have to be someone from school. You can have crushes on models or celebrities too.”
Wow, her friends know so much about crushes! Minori is both impressed by their knowledge on the topic and embarrassed by the lack of her own. Even so, she keeps thinking about it. And thinking. And thinking and thinking until her head feels like it’s going to explode.
“Ah! I just don’t know! What does a crush even feel like, anyways…?” Minori mutters, defeated.
She doesn’t particularly want an answer; it was just an offhand statement. Regardless, her friends’ faces twist in deep concentration almost simultaneously. sAyano hums thoughtfully.
“Well…it’s like when you feel all warm and fuzzy whenever you look at someone! Or when you get all tongue-tied talking with them, or…”
“Or when just thinking about them is enough to cheer you up. And you want to be around them all the time...” Yui adds.
“And like looking at them makes you complete!” Ayano finishes, grinning. “So, do you feel like that towards anyone?”
She opens her mouth to say no, but…their words have stirred something in her chest. There are warm memories of watching TV, feeling the elation of despair turning in hope. Thoughts of a person who whenever Minori saw her, gave her the strength to keep going, despite her horrible luck. Someone who Minori would be happy to stay with forever.
“I know! Haruka Kiritani, the idol!” Minori declares, proud of her revelation.
But instead of the teasing, giggling reception Minori had expected, both of her friends frown, looking disturbed. Why? Did she say something wrong?
“Really? Are you sure?” Yui asks.
“Of course! She makes me happy whenever I see her, and I get the warm fuzzies just thinking about her words, and her smile is so radiant, and she works so hard and I really admire that…Is that wrong? Did I misunderstand?”
“Well, no, that is what a crush is, but…you can’t have a crush on a girl,” Ayano says.
Minori blinks once, then twice. “What? Why?”
“Well, it’s just one of those things you’re not supposed to do! Like…” Yui leans in and drops her voice to a whisper. “Well, my mom said it’s like how kids aren’t supposed to date adults.”
“Yeah, my dad said girls are only supposed to like boys and boys are only supposed to like girls. Anyone else is…gay.” Ayano says that word like it’s a curse - like she could get in trouble just for uttering it.
“Oh…I’m sorry…” Minori responds, because she didn’t realize the way she felt towards Haruka was wrong. Her parents never mentioned anything, but maybe it’s because she never told them she had a crush on her.
Or does she even have a crush on her? Sure, her experience lines up with what Yui and Ayano described, but…she’s not supposed to have feelings like that towards a girl. And she’s not gay, so there’s no way she like liked Haruka, right? She’s not a bad person. Haruka was just her favorite idol!
“It’s okay Minori. You didn’t know. Why don’t we talk about something else?” Yui suggests, and suddenly they’re discussing their favorite sweets.
The conversation moves on, and then the day does too, but Minori can’t seem to let it go. It shouldn’t be a big deal, and yet her chest keeps twisting uncomfortably whenever she recalls Ayano’s distasteful words.
Anyone else is…gay.
It keeps bothering her all the way until after dinner, the time when she usually catches up on what Haruka and ASRUN had been doing. Sometimes she was even lucky enough to catch them live on TV. It’s usually the part of the day she enjoys most, but today her dinner won’t stop swirling in her stomach.
“Oh! Minori! I think Haruka’s doing a talk show right now. Do you want me to pull it up?” her mom offers, smiling. She’s always been willing to go along with Minori’s idol obsession.
It’s an extremely tempting offer, one that offers to ease her tension. After all, Haruka always manages to brighten her day! Minori opens her mouth to say yes –
you can’t have a crush on a girl
“No thank you, Mom! I think I’ll just read tonight,” she responds, already getting up to go back to her room.
Her mom frowns. “Really? But you always make sure to watch her shows!”
A nervous laugh escapes Minori. “Well, I’m just a little tired today!
“Well, alright…if you need anything, just call and I’ll be there,” she says, giving Minori a quick hug before walking out of the room.
Minori feels like a filthy, disgusting liar when she goes to bed that night.
***
It takes a couple of weeks until Minori can bring herself to watch or listen to anything vaguely Haruka related again. Every time she considers it a pit of guilt opens beneath her, threatening to swallow her whole. Haruka doesn’t deserve a weird fan like her.
But eventually her conviction breaks when her fellow idol loving friend asks for her opinion on ASRUN’s latest show. Minori knows about it – she saw a recording of it on her recommended page – but she hasn’t watched it yet.
Her friend is reasonably shocked at this information, and then she proceeds to spend the next twenty minutes practically begging her to watch it while Minori throws out very excuse she can think of. It doesn’t work, and she finds herself promising to watch it that night, lured in by the promise of new costumes and a solo from Haruka.
Sitting in the pitch black of her room, illuminated only by the faint glow of her iPad, she clicks on the video hesitantly. Her throat is unreasonably dry as she watches the video load, spinner going round and round. She almost clicks off, but suddenly her screen is filled with vibrant colors and she can’t look away.
Haruka must be magic, because all of her anxieties disappear while watching their performance. The lights, the songs, the encouraging words; it’s all enough to transport Minori to a magic world where everything is okay – where tomorrow will always be brighter.
By the end, she feels ridiculous for ever avoiding this in the first place. Sure, maybe she was a little weird about Haruka before, but it’s okay! She knows it’s weird now, that it’s wrong now, so it’s okay if she keeps supporting her! And maybe she just misunderstood in the first place what a crush was. After all, Haruka was just her favorite idol.
***
“Minori! Minori! Come on, you have to hurry! I hear there’s a confession happening in the courtyard!”
“W-What?! A confession?” Minori echoes, standing up so fast her chair nearly falls to the floor. Her bag, which she had been packing mere seconds ago, is abandoned as she pivots her full attention onto her friend’s words.
She nods, grabbing Minori’s wrist and dragging her out of the classroom. “Yeah! I don’t know who it is but everyone is talking about it! Apparently they wanted to confess before graduation or something?”
“Then are they not going to the same high school?” Minori asks as they rush down the hallway. It’s the day of their middle school graduation, and she’s not sure she can take any more excitement; there’s already been a flurry of goodbyes and number exchanges and gifts. Now a confession? Minori thinks her heart might explode.
They continue running through the hallway, murmurs of excited students surrounding them. “I don’t really know anything. I, uh, may have run off before I heard anything else,” she says between labored breaths.
Soon they burst into the courtyard, only to be greeted a thick crowd of students already gathered. Minori hesitates, but her friend continues pushing forward, still dragging Minori along.
As they shove their way through, Minori notices the whispers being exchanged have a strange undertone to them now – something ominous, something dark. Her stomach curls in unease as she listens closer.
Wow, he’s brave...
…can’t believe I was friends with him…
Good for him, you know?
…make him gay?
That word brings back an almost forgotten memory, a conversation she hasn’t thought about in years, one that actually managed to make her dislike idols. It curdles her stomach and she begins to regret leaving the classroom in the first place, but it’s too late. They’ve already reached the edge of the crowd, and when they push through –
She sees two boys standing in the middle of the circle, one blushing furiously and the other staring with an indiscernible expression on his face. Dread pervades every inch of her body.
“-and so, I, uh, really like you! Would you be willing to go on a date with me?” the blushing boy finishes, conviction in his eyes despite the large audience.
There’s a tense moment of silence where even the crowd quiets, everyone filled with tense anticipation. Minori finds herself biting her lip, unsure of what she wants to happen, unsure of how she feels about this, because…
Girls are only supposed to like boys and boys are only supposed to like girls.
Does that make him a bad person? But that can’t be right; she knows him, even if she doesn’t know his name, and he’s nice. He always says hi to everyone in the hallways, he helps the teacher hand out papers, and he once complimented her Haruka branded hairclip.
So she doesn’t think he’s a bad person. Maybe he just…doesn’t know that it’s icky for two boys to be together. Yeah, that’s probably it. After all, she didn’t know until her friends told her, so it’s perfectly reasonable to assume he just lacks the knowledge. Should she tell him?
Her heartbeat thumps painfully as the other boy opens his mouth to respond, and –
He starts laughing. It’s reserved at first, but it slowly grows louder and louder until he’s in full on hysterics, clutching his stomach as if his amusement threatens to tear him apart. Minori is flabbergasted, but it’s like a flip has been switched in the rest of the crowd; people are snickering while sharing mocking whispers, and she thinks she sees someone holding up a phone.
The boy in the middle finally composes himself enough to speak, though giggles still escape his lips periodically. “Ha! A-Are you really serious? Did you actually think I would go on a date with you? Like for real?”
A myriad of expressions work their way across the other boy’s face – disbelief, then raw devastation, then the scrunched face of someone trying very hard not to cry. Minori feels like she’s going to cry too.
“W-Well, I – “he starts, breath hitching. “I don’t know, I just thought -”
“That I was gay?” The other boy starts laughing again, and the crowd does too, their horrible peals of laughter cutting through the air. “Are you delusional?”
“I-I didn’t-no, no, no-” Tears begin to stream down his cheeks as he trembles. Then he bolts, disappearing into the school.
The crowd starts to dissipate now that their main source of entertainment is gone, their chatter rising to an almost uncomfortable volume. Minori barely notices, too caught up in her own horror to even move her feet. She feels horrible.
“Well, that was…something,” her friend says, her tone and her face equally unreadable.
Minori tries to respond, but she doesn’t have enough air. It’s like there’s a clamp on her heart, squeezing and squeezing and stealing any ability to form coherent thoughts or sentences. All she manages to get out is a shaky “yeah.”
Her friend sighs. “Well, we should probably get going. We don’t wanna get home late, after all!”
They walk back to the classroom in silence. Minori keeps sifting through the events, trying to figure out what went so wrong, why everyone started laughing, how everyone could be so cruel when he was clearly just confused and didn’t understand that two boys couldn’t like one another romantically. It wasn’t funny, not at all! But she can’t find anyone logical reason no matter how much she thinks about it.
(She wonders if Haruka would have laughed.)
At the very least, her friend didn’t seem to find it funny. In fact, her lips have dipped themselves into a tight frown, brows furrowed intently all the way until they reach Minori’s classroom. She follows Minori inside, and when Minori reaches her desk, she stares expectantly. She’s expecting Minori to say something.
“Y-you know, I um,” Minori starts, fiddling with her bag and the items still on her desk in some pale imitation of packing, “I’m surprised that he was, uh, gay!”
She regrets the words the moment they come out, but it’s too late to take them back now – her friend is already responding.
“I know. I can’t believe we had someone like that at our school,” she says, words laced with faint disgust.
The room begins to feel unnaturally stuffy. “I mean, yeah…I felt really bad for him when everyone started laughing, though. He probably just didn’t know boys aren’t supposed to date boys!” Minori responds, trying to stay lighthearted.
Her friend shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t matter he didn’t know. People like that, they’re – they’re born like that. They’re born wrong.”
This conservation is rapidly spinning out of Minori’s control. “Wrong?” she repeats, almost immediately regretting it. She doesn’t want to hear the answer.
“Wrong. People who like the same sex, homosexuals, they’re born like that, and they’re no better than predators,” she explains, radiating intensity. “I’m glad we’re going to different schools, because I would never be around him again if we weren’t.”
“Is that…so?” Minori chokes out. She doesn’t agree with her friend, or even understand her logic, truthfully, but she’s saying it with so much conviction. That’s the type of conviction people only use when stating absolute truths. “Wow, that’s uh. Really bad.”
“It is.” Her friend sighs, then tilts her head in thought. “Why don’t we get ice cream on our way home and forget this whole thing ever happened? We still have to celebrate graduating after all!”
“Uh, yeah! Ice cream sounds great!” Minori lies. She’s not sure if she could stomach anything right now.
A smile breaks out on her friend’s face. “Then hurry up! You’ve been packing that bag for like, forever!”
And so she does, trying and failing to ignore her racing thoughts. When she was little, she had thought she had a crush on Haruka. Does that mean something’s wrong with her? Was she…born wrong, born dangerous? Is she…a bad person?
But no, that can’t be right, because she never actually had a crush on Haruka. It was just a misunderstanding. Just a misunderstanding.
They get ice cream, but Minori doesn’t forget.
***
High school is everything Minori could have ever dreamed of and more. She gets to become an idol with the Haruka Kiritani! And Airi! And Shizuku! It’s busy, exhausting work, but she can’t think of anything more fulfilling than getting to spread hope to so many people.
And Haruka! Oh, Haruka! Minori gets to see and chat and practice with her every single day! She has the privilege to witness Haruka’s beautiful smile in person, to see her brow furrows adorably when she’s concentrating, to learn her dances and tricks, to even breath the same air as her!
Of course, she understands she can’t just admire Haruka as an idol. Haruka is a fully-formed person, and even more importantly, her friend.
Still! She can’t help but fangirl sometimes, especially when she’s asked about her as a fan and not an idol. That reason is exactly why Minori ends up spending ten straight minutes talking after being asked what it was like to get to work with Haruka during an FAQ segment on stream, much to the amusement of MMJ and the chat.
She thinks nothing of it until later that night. Minori is scrolling through a popular idol forum, trying to gauge what their fans might be interested in. Well, she might also be looking for what people think of MMJ, admittedly, despite the fact Airi and Haruka once gave her a very lengthy lecture on the dangers of “ego-scrolling.” In her defense, wouldn’t anyone be curious?
Eventually, she finds someone’s posted a clip of the stream. Curious, Minori clicks on it and realizes it’s the segment where she talked about Haruka. The caption reads, “Even as an an idol, Minori is still a Haruka stan at heart.”
Intrigued, Minori begins scrolling through the comments.
fallingKittens39
i love how she can just wax poetic about haruka on the spot lol
almalgamation_of_OwO
Everyone’s facial expressions in this one were absolutely precious!!! Especially Airi at 5:33, she looks equally done and amused XD
ResidentIdolFan#2
I’m so glad I got to view this live. The chat was having an absolute blast trying to see how long we could keep her going. Every time it seemed like she would stop, someone would ask another question and she’d start all over again.
MMJ!number1fan
askdflkjsf absolutly OUTRAGED that i missed this stream (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ oh well, at least there’s always clips to give me my daily MMJ fix ( •̀ ω •́ )✧
ReduxEquation7897
Looking at this clip, I think it’s clearer than ever that Minori has a crush on Haruka (and an adorable one at that). Take that, naysayers!
She stops and stares at her phone blanky for a minute. The word “crush” remains starkly displayed no matter how much she tries to will it away. A slow, bubbling anxiety begins to build in her as she reads it again and again, trying to stay composed.
And the thing is, she knows not to get worked up about mean comments. When MORE MORE JUMP! was still new, Minori dealt with lots of difficult internet users, so she has lots of experience. The best thing to do is to just ignore them and move on. But something about this particular comment, something about it, it’s just –
Minori clicks her phone off and lays it face down on her dresser. With a groan she falls backwards onto her bed, making a soft “thump” as she lands. For several minutes she simply lays there, carefully controlling her breathing. In and out. In and out.
It feels barely any time has passed when her mom’s voice calls her to dinner, but glancing at the clock makes her realize she was lying there for over thirty minutes.
Well, it doesn’t matter! She leaps upwards and darts of the room, swearing to herself to actually listen to Haruka’s and Airi’s advice next time. She won’t ego-scroll, she won’t let mean comments get to her, and definitely won’t let that specific comment take anymore of her time!
***
Two weeks is how long it takes for Minori’s resolve to break and for her to google various variations of “Minori has a crush on Haruka”. What she finds is a flood of fanart, twitter posts, conspiracy videos, and discussion forums, every single one dedicated to the ship of her and Haruka, or “Minoharu,” as the people call it.
As a long-time idol fan, Minori is very familiar with shipping. It was never something she engaged in personally (people got really intense about it, and that’s saying something for idol fans), but she’s seen enough to grasp the basics. And that’s how she knows back in her day, people didn’t usually ship two girls together!
Her discomfort grows with every post she finds. So many people are saying that it’s obvious she has a crush – that she’s gay.
She’s not, she’s known this for a long time, but if so many people are convinced she is…then does that say something? Has she been lying to herself all this time, ever since she was in elementary school? How is she supposed to know?
With trembling hands, she googles “how to know if you are gay”, hoping with all her heart to find something, anything, to quell her worries. That’s not what happens
As she goes through article after article, she finds herself meeting every qualification. A lack of interest in boys and not being able to imagine herself with a man, finding girls attractive, fascination with the female form – everything checks out.
In a last-ditch effort Minori takes an online quiz, but it’s no use. The results screen flash the word “Lesbian” at her in bright grating red (a word for girls who are gay, she’s learned in her frantic research session), and she can almost hear the final bell toll, marking her doom. The words of her old friend rattle through her thoughts.
People who like the same sex, homosexuals, they’re born like that, and they’re no better than predators.
A deep itch settles into her skin, and Minori absentmindedly claws at her arms while her mind races. Images of every time she’s touched or admired Haruka – or Airi or Shizuku for that matter – in the past months flash through her mind. All those times, she was basically harassing them, and without their knowledge or consent! Revulsion rolls through her stomach.
And her fans! They’ve been cheering her on all this time without knowing she’s a disgusting predator! Well, the shipping forums didn’t seem to mind…does that mean they’re bad people? It doesn’t seem right to label her fans with such broad titles. But still! Some of them even seemed happy she was gay, saying something about “representation?” She doesn’t understand why anyone would support that.
…So what should she do? Should she tell the rest of MMJ? It seems like the moral thing to do, but panic jolts through her at the thought alone. There’s no way she’ll ever be able to confess.
SEKAI flashes through her mind next, but telling the virtual singers feels like an equally dreadful option. They’ll all be so disappointed in her! And though they might try to help, what if they don’t? What if they kick her out of SEKAI? And then, and then – they’ll kick her out of MMJ and then she won’t be able to spread hope anymore and that would be awful!!!
…Is that what she deserves?
“No!” Minori objects aloud, shaking her head. She can still fix this. After, where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Once again, she turns to the internet for help. And it’s…well, it’s a little less helpful than she was hoping for. The topic seems to be hotly debated. Some people say you’re born with it, some people say it’s just a choice, others say it’s irreversible, and so on and so forth.
Eventually she stumbles on something that seems promising. It’s called conversion therapy, and it promises a complete removal of all homosexual tendencies. Excited, Minori starts looking into it more, only to be immediately blasted with horror stories. Well. There goes that option.
She spends a while longer searching, but it’s no use. There doesn’t seem to be any agreed upon method to cure homosexuality.
It’s crushing, to say the least. There’s always hope for a better tomorrow, but what do you when there isn’t? What do you do when the problem is inside you, crawling and writhing just beneath your skin? When you’re a bad person just by birth? What do you do? What can she do?
She goes to bed without an answer that night.
***
Practice the next day is a stressful affair. Minori tries to avoid looking at Airi, Shizuku, and Haruka as much as humanly possible, along with avoiding physical contact of any kind. That’s the least someone like her can do.
“Minori! You missed the third beat turn again!” Airi snaps after Minori messes up their choreography for the fourth time in a row.
An embarrassed flush creeps onto her face, and Minori rapidly stutters out apologies. In her defense, it’s hard to focus while listening to a constant stream off don’t look don’t touch you’re disgusting a liar don’t look be normal don’t be weird, courtesy of her brain. But Airi is right to be annoyed; an idol shouldn’t be distracted by such silly thoughts.
Airi sighs, but a grin appears on her face soon after. “Well, this is a rather difficult dance. I’d be concerned if you weren’t having trouble with it! Let’s just take it from the top again.”
So they do, continuing to practice until the sun hangs low in the sky and their bodies glisten with sweat. Minori splays herself onto the concrete, too exhausted to form coherent thought. Haruka leans over her with an amused look.
“Guess you’re pooped, huh? Haruka says, giggling.
“Hrmmgh” Minori responds eloquently.
Like the angel she is, Haruka holds out a water bottle towards her, a silent promise to quench her overwhelming thirst. A little desperately, Minori fumbles to grab it, her fingers brushing against Haruka’s–
Minori immediately recoils, and the water bottle falls onto her stomach with a quiet smack, rolling listlessly on the ground beside her. The warmth of Haruka’s touch lingers, uncomfortably warm. Her hands feel awkward as they struggle to find somewhere to settle.
Haruka stares intently, an indiscernible something furrowing her brows. “Minori?” she prompts.
“O-Oh! I’m sorry about that! I, uh, there was, um, a bug!” Minori says, launching herself upright. “I didn’t mean to drop the water bottle!”
There’s a brief moment where Minori is sure Haruka will see through the lie, sure she’ll see right through her and realize that’s she’s a rotten predator, recoil in discomfort and tell everyone then tell her she can’t be a part of MMJ anymore.
But Haruka’s face clears a moment later, an angelic smile breaking out on her face, one that still sends butterflies racing in Minori’s stomach despite everything she’s learned. “Is that so? I didn’t see one, but I wasn’t paying much attention.” She picks up the bottle and holds it out once more. “Make sure you drink plenty of water. We had a tough workout today.”
Minori grabs the bottle, this time being careful to avoid Haruka’s hand. The condensation feels good against her sticky skin. Motivated by the sickly swirling in her stomach, she downs almost all of it. It doesn’t really help.
Haruka gives her another warm smile. “Well, I’m heading home. I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“Yeah,” Minori says, gulping. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
***
The rest of the week goes similarly. She tries to act normal, she really does, but it’s so difficult when all she can think about are the words gay and homosexual. In class, at home, practicing, in SEKAI, even while streaming, her usual favorite activity, it plagues her. She can’t look at either Kohane or Shiho in the eye during lunch, can’t stand near Haruka without being hyperaware of every inch of her body.
However, as end of the week nears, her panic begins to abate. It’s not that’s she’s figured out how to fix herself, but rather the fact nothing seems to have changed. Everyone still treats her the same as before. The days on go as normal, as they always have.
It feels wrong, but it does tell Minori something – that she can keep going like this. Maybe she can’t change her nature, but what she can change is her behavior. Now that she knows she’s gay, she can avoid being weird, like fawning over Haruka or touching other girls. That way, she won’t have to leave MMJ! Everything will work out.
Comforted by her revelation, the next few weeks pass by without incident. The distracting thoughts still remain in the back of her mind, but they aren’t overwhelming anymore – in fact, she’s too busy most of the time to give them any attention. She still avoids touching and staring, of course, and every once in a while, she’ll try to research a more permanent solution (never to any avail, unfortunately.)
She settles into her new status quo gratefully, glad to once again focus on being an idol. MORE MORE JUMP! only grows more popular with time, and so does the workload that comes with it; Minori finds herself drowning in a mountain of scheduling, practice, and streaming.
It’s a Tuesday when the cracks begin to show in her plan. She doesn’t notice at first, perhaps lured in a false sense of security because of the day of the week (nothing important ever happens of Tuesdays), but mostly by the fact the rest of the day had been completely normal. She woke up, went to school, had lunch with Kohane, went to the rooftop, and then gone to SEKAI to escape the perils of the outdoors.
Today they’re practicing posing. It’s more difficult than Minori would have expected since everyone else makes it look so easy, but she’s determined to get it down! After all, being able to strike a pose anytime is a quintessential trait of an idol!
…a trait she does not seem to naturally possess, because they’ve spent the past fifteen minutes on the same pose and she can’t seem to figure it out for the life of her, even with the help of MMJ and all the virtual singers.
After a particularly rough attempt involving her toppling offstage, Shizuku speaks up. “Minori, I have an idea.”
“What is it?” Minori asks, trying not to sound too defeated and failing miserably. Why is this so hard?
“You’ll see in a second. Just take up your pose again, again?” Shizuku responds.
Something about the way she says it sets Minori on edge, but she’s desperate enough she follows Shizuku’s order without complaint. Okay…raise her arms, tilt her fingers, smile but not too widely, loosen her shoulders, remember to keep smiling, don’t forget to breathe, bat her lashes, and remember to smile!
It feels like her best attempt so far, but everyone still wears a dissatisfied expression when she finishes. Well, everyone expect for Shizuku, who looks at her thoughtfully.
“That’s a good start! Just keep holding that pose, okay?” Shizuku says.
Minori nods, trying to ignore the screaming of her muscles. She wonders what Shizuku has planned, but she doesn’t have to wonder for long; Shizuku quickly walks up to her and gently places her hands on Minori’s shoulders.
“I’m going to adjust you into position, if that’s alright,” she explains.
“O-oh, uh yeah! That’s – fine,” Minori says half a beat too late, because every inch of her is preoccupied with not going rigid under Shizuku’s touch.
Shizuku begins to do exactly as she said, carefully adjusting Minori’s limbs while providing explanations for each of her actions, all of which completely fly over Minori’s head. She’s too focused on itching of her skin, the wrongness of the touch – too focused on letting none of this show.
Why is she making this weird? They’ve done things like this before, when she struggled with putting on a costume or hitting a hard dance move. It’s normal, and she didn’t mind it then! She just needs to act normal.
That seems like an impossible task when her body threatens to break into a cold sweat with every brief moment of contact. She knows it’s impossible, but it feels like she’ll corrupt Shizuku by proxy – taint her perfect idol aura and make Shizuku regret ever knowing her in the first place. How can’t Shizuku tell just by touching her? Her skin should feel wrong, should feel gross and slimy.
Minori’s so distracted yet so hyperaware that each second stretches into eternity, making retaining normalcy even harder (she needs to keep smiling! That’s the most important part of posing!)
Shizuku takes a tiny step backs and does a quick one over, nodding in approval. “That looks a lot better! Now, there’s just one last thing…”
Before Minori can think through that statement, Shizuku lays her hands on Minori’s cheeks. It shouldn’t be unexpected at all, really. She’s been touching her all over for the last thirty seconds, and this shouldn’t be any different, but it still somehow surprises her enough to finally break her composure. What this means is that Minori flinches hard, hard enough that Shizuku immediately retracts her hands with an abashed look on her face.
“Oh, I’m sorry…” Shizuku starts, but Minori quickly interrupts.
“Sorry! Your hands – they were just really cold! Startled me a bit!” Minori lies, trying to giggle naturally.
It seems to work on Shizuku, who nods and offers her own giggle in response, but Minori can see Luka narrow her eyes from her spot in the audience. Oh dear. Minori really hoped that she didn’t get the wrong idea.
“Anyways, you’re looking a lot better! Try to remember how that position feels,” Airi calls out, and then practice moves on
By the end she’s completely forgotten about the incident. After all, she’s had plenty of similar situations occur over the past few weeks; the one earlier is unremarkable in comparison. But it seems not everyone has forgotten, because MEIKO approaches her just as she’s about to leave SEKAI. She looks uncharacteristically nervous, and even stranger, she doesn’t immediately say anything. She just…stands there.
“Hey! Is something wrong?” Minori eventually asks, uncomfortable with the strange silence.
“Not at the moment…” MEIKO responds which, wow, is not comforting at all. “But would you come chat with us for a minute?”
“With everyone else?” she asks before looking around and realizing the stage is completely empty. It’s a little embarrassing, but MEIKO responds before she can take back her question.
“No, just with me and Luka.”
“Okay…” Minori says, because what else is there to say?
MEIKO nods and walks backstage, gesturing for Minori to follow. She does exactly that, and they weave through the complicated bowls of SEKAI, going places Minori didn’t even know existed. It’s disconcerting, realizing that she’s only seen a tiny fraction of a place literally made of her feelings, and it makes her uneasy concerning her chat with MEIKO. Minori has chatted with the virtual singers before, but it’s always been onstage, or in the costume room, or some other familiar place. What’s so important they need to go somewhere completely new?
Eventually they reach…a room. Minori would label it more specifically, but she really doesn’t have a better descriptor. It’s a dim, quiet room, with a couple of couches haphazardly strown about with no apparent intent behind their placement. The only other piece of furniture in the room is a minifridge that doesn’t appear to be working. The walls are a pleasant off-white, and the floor a shaggy grey carpet.
Luka sits primly on one of the couches, sending Minori a warm smile as soon as she enters. “Minori! Why don’t you have a seat next to me?” she says, patting the spot beside her on the couch.
“Alright,” Minori says, sitting down and wincing when the couch groans. “So, what did you guys want to talk about? How come it’s just the three of us?
MEIKO sits on the couch across from them (it’s not exactly “across”, instead pointing at an awkward diagonal angle, but it’s close enough) and answers. “Well, we wanted to check in on you. We’ve been a little worried.”
“Yes…you’ve been acting rather strangely lately. Is something on your mind?” Luka asks.
Dozens of sirens start blaring in Minori’s mind, but she carefully cools her expression – well, she tries, but she’s unsure if it actually works. She’s never been a very good liar. “Acting strangely?” she parrots cautiously.
“You’ve been jumpy and unfocused all week. And when other people aren’t looking, you’ll start looking really sad,” MEIKO explains. “Also, when other people touch you…”
Minori waits for her to continue, but she never elaborates, instead choosing to fiddle with hem of her skirt. It’s…unsettling, seeing such a normally confident person turn so abashed. Why is she so hesitant?
After an awkward pause, Luka picks up where MEIKO left off. “When other people touch you, you’ve started flinching really hard, and you avoid touching other people as much as possible. I don’t remember you doing that before. So is something wrong?”
They noticed! They noticed they noticed they noticed! Minori slaps herself internally, because of course they did, she’s not a good liar or a good actor, but she had at least hoped no one would bring it up! But of course, everyone’s too nice and caring to just leave her wallowing in her suffering, She’s fortunate to have such amazing support, of course, but right now it feels like a bit of a curse.
Oh no, now she’s stayed silent for too long and they’re giving her strange looks. She needs to say something!
“U-Um, I’m not sure why I’d be acting differently, because everything’s been going great! One hundred percent awesome!” Minori says. “But I appreciate your concern and support!”
The looks Luka and MEIKO give her are a little less than convinced. “Are you sure? Because, well…”
Luka trails off, exchanging an intense look with MEIKO. A silent conversation passes between them, and then they pivot back to Minori, seemingly having come to a decision.
“Minori, did someone touch you in a way you were uncomfortable with?” MEIKO asks, tone carefully even.
It takes a moment for Minori to process the question, but when she does, understanding comes crashing in like a tidal wave. “No!” she exclaims, leaping up from her seat on the couch. “No, no, nothing like that! I promise!”
Both Luka and MEIKO sigh in relief, slumping down into the couches. “Oh, thank goodness,” Luka mumbles. “I was so worried…”
“You can say that again…”
Minori expects that to be the end of the conversation, now that she’s addressed their main concern (which, wow, no wonder they seemed so pensive), but they quickly refocus and turn on her once more, albeit with less intensity than before.
“But then…is something else bothering you?” Luka asks.
She realizes they probably won’t let her go until she gives them something to work with. Telling the truth really doesn’t sound appealing, but…maybe she could just be a little vague? Getting some of it off her chest did sound nice…
Minori sits back down and takes a deep breath. “Do you think that people are born bad?”
This is clearly not the question they were expecting. For a moment they stare at her, flabbergasted, but they quickly regain their composure and begin considered her question.
“Are people born bad…that’s a complicated question, Minori. You’ll hear a lot of different answers depending on who you ask,” Luka says. “Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. I think I read an article about it online somewhere,” Minori responds, shrugging. “But what do you think?”
MEIKO is the one that responds. “I would say no, people aren’t born bad. It’s our actions and choices that determine what type of person someone is.”
Something in Minori’s chest stirs. “You really think so?”
“I agree. No one is inherently evil or good,” Luka adds. “And the line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ is extremely subjective anyways. Hey, you know what? This is an interesting topic! What if you used it for a stream sometime?”
“That might be a little too much considering the type of content they usually produce…” MEIKO says, though she does look intrigued. “But that’s beside the point. Was that a satisfying answer for you, Minori?”
“Yeah, I think so! Thanks for answering it. I know it was a little weird…”
Luka shakes her head. “Don’t mention it. We’re always happy to help, so is there anything else you want to talk about?”
It’s obvious they’re still worried about her, but Minori doesn’t think she can mange to say anything else without chickening out, so she instead laughs shakily. “I don’t think so, but thanks for chatting! I’ll see you some other time.”
“Okay…” Luka says, still not looking quite satisfied. “I’ll you see around!”
Minori quickly pulls out her phone and lets the light take her away.
***
She thinks she can fix this. Well, maybe not entirely, but she can at least rectify some of the symptoms. What MEIKO and Luka said – that means she’s not inherently evil, right? After all, plenty of people have bad traits they resist all the time, like gluttony or a habit of chewing on their nails. Her gayness can just be another one of those! She just needs control herself.
It feels like a huge burden has been lifted off her chest; she didn’t realize how tense she had been until her chest relaxed and she was finally able to breath again. The days start going by much faster, now that they aren’t weighed down by a constant anxiety. Minori is still careful – careful not to touch, not to stare, not to admire – but it doesn’t constantly itch at the back of her mind anymore.
(Sometimes, on dark and anxious nights, she feels the weight of the guilt once more. Almost compulsively, she searches and reads and watches, but a permanent solution is never found. But she also finds something else: people claiming that being gay is okay and natural and normal.
She never knows what to make of those videos. On one hand, she wants to believe it, more than anything in the world. Because it would mean there’s nothing wrong with her, and she could finally move on with her life. And with the way she feels about Haruka, maybe Minori and her could –
…On the other hand, the internet is a scary place. You’re not supposed to trust anything you read on it. Real life sources are more reliable, and Minori certainly trusts her friend’s word more than a stranger’s. After all, she said it with so much conviction; she knew what she was talking about.)
Then something amazing happens, something Minori has been dreaming about for a long time: they start planning for a solo show.
“What’s on your mind?” Haruka suddenly asks, breaking Minori out of her thoughts.
They’re sitting on a bench together in a park Minori doesn’t know the name of. Her and Haruka had been out on a jog, just the two of them (Airi and Shizuku were busy with a radio appearance), and they had decided to take a quick breather. It’s a relief, because while Minori is much more athletic than she used to be, she’s still not quite up to Haruka’s level.
“I was just thinking about how crazy it is we have a solo show! I mean, I knew we could go far together, but it’s all happening so fast and everything’s so crazy!” Minori says.
Haruka doesn’t immediately respond, but she does flash a warm and fond smile at Minori, causing some very unhelpful heart palpitations. In the light of the sunset, Haruka looks more beautiful than ever. Everything from the shimmer of her eyes to the glistening of her skin is utterly enrapturing.
Minori knows she’s staring, but she can’t seem to look away no matter how much her brain screams she’s being creepy. It doesn’t seem to bother Haruka though, because she just keeps staring back, still wearing that wonderful smile.
Some intangible passes hangs in the air. It’s almost electric, the sting of the breeze and the glow of Haruka’s eyes. Minori could spend an eternity in that moment, sitting in the sunset at Haruka’s side, without a single worry. Just the two of them, forever…
A strong gust suddenly hits her, and Minori’s hair goes flying in her face. Minori fumbles frantically to brush it away (though she knows the magical moment is already over). After a moment of struggling, she hears Haruka giggle a moment before her vision clears; Haruka has brushed her hair aside and tucked it behind her ear.
“You should start putting your hair up before we go on runs. I’m sure you’ll find it a lot easier to deal with,” Haruka says, seemingly oblivious to the way Minori has frozen. “Anyways, what were we talking about? The solo show, right…well, I feel similarly. I’ve done most of this before, but it’s still so hard to believe we have our own show in just a few weeks.”
“Y-yeah! You’re right!” Minori chokes out, trying to regain her composure. (It’s just the girl she’s loved admired since elementary casually brushed her hair out of her eyes, no big deal or anything!!) “I’m really excited, but I’m also really scared, I guess…
“Scared? How so?”
“There’s just so many things that could go wrong! I could forget the choreography or my voice might break while singing or I fall offstage or the sound or lighting equipment could break or people could have trouble navigating the venue or someone could get injured or – well, you get what I mean… And it’s also like, what if I’m not good enough? I’m not nearly as experienced as you and Airi, and Shizuku. What if I mess something up?”
Haruka frowns. “Minori. I want you to listen to me carefully.”
“O-Okay?” Minori says, thrown off by Haruka’s sudden serious demeanor.
“You’re not completely wrong for worrying. There’s always a chance for something to go off-plan, especially in big events like this. But I want you do know if something does happen, we’ll all be there to help you. Me, Shizuku, Airi, all our volunteers and fans…everyone’s there for you, and none of us will be upset if you make a mistake. It’s the first time you’re doing an event this size, after all! I’m sure it’ll turn out to be an amazing night.”
She stops, but it doesn’t seem like she’s completely satisfied yet. Her gaze darts to the flowerbed in front of them (Minori’s not exactly sure what type they are. Some type of lily, maybe?) before turning back to Minori, face set with conviction.
“And Minori, don’t ever say you’re not good enough! You were able to give me hope when I had given up, and I’m so, so grateful that we met when we did. And ever since then…well, I never knew someone else could make me so truly happy! Being an idol by your side…it’s one of the greatest honors I could imagine.”
This can’t be real. It must be some fever dream, or she’s died, or she’s gone to heaven, because Minori can’t believe Haruka just said all those nice things about her. She’s extremely tempted to pinch her cheek, but she’s afraid of embarrassing herself if this is the real deal. Then what should she do?
“H-Haruka! That’s so – I mean, I’m really not – um, I think – well, I –” Minori stutters, unable to form a coherent thought, let alone vocalize it.
Haruka laughs, and it’s so so so bright and amazing. “Please take a breath! I’m sorry I hit you with all that out of nowhere…I know it’s a little strange,” she says, blushing.
“N-No! Don’t apologize! I think I really needed to hear that…and I feel the same way, Haruka! It’s an honor to be an idol at your side!” Minori exclaims.
“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” Haruka says, then she glances at her phone. “Well, we’ve been sitting here for a while. How about we get going and finish our jog?”
“Of course! I’ll finish it without needing anymore breaks!” Minori leaps up off the bench, freshly energized.
“That’s the spirt!” Haruka stands up. “Let’s go!”
Together they start running, side by side.
***
Just like Haruka promised, the show is amazing; so many of their fans are there, cheering them on, all of them united in their loves for idols. Every song, every smile, every cheer fills Minori with more and more energy and conviction. It’s scary at first, but she quickly settles into a groove, letting all her worries fly away.
But when the songs finally end and Minori is giving the closing speech, something in the air shifts. She can feel the eyes of the audience, all locked onto her, piercing her skin like a thousand tiny needles. A familiar itch settles beneath her skin – an ever-present hum of something’s wrong with you – and it takes all her self-control to remain in her idol persona.
She means every thankful word she says, truly, but when she finishes and the crowd erupts in applause, a dark recess of her mind whispers, “I’m keeping a secret from all of you. It’s all a lie! Please, someone, see through me…”
But what can she do except keep moving forward?
***
Minori usually loves talk shows. She has many fond memories of watching Haruka’s appearances, eyes glued to the screen as she diligently committed every ones of her words to memories. Even with the recent debacle of Shizuku facing her old Cheerful*Days friend (which was a very stressful first TV appearance, even if it turned to okay in the end), Minori was still excited for even more TV opportunities.
So when they got another offer, this time for a somewhat smaller but still popular segment, Minori was all for it. After several weeks of emailing, contracting, planning, and practicing, it’s finally time. They go to the studio and begin the interview.
Everything seems to be going well; they were given a script beforehand, so Minori able to easily answer every question. She’s nervous at the beginning, but she gradually relaxes as they near the end of the interview. Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku all do a great job covering for her whenever she makes a mistake, and they never go off-script.
Lured into a false sense of security, Minori allows herself to finally stop worrying and just enjoy the interview. They only have a couple of questions left, after all.
“Minori!” the interview says, and suddenly and of her anxiety comes rushing back like a tidal wave. Wasn’t the next question supposed to be for Shizuku? Or did she remember the script wrong? Or even worse, are they going off-script? That must be it; Airi and Haruka have tensed on either side of her, though they still wear bright smiles. “Our next question is something that a lot of fans have been wondering for a long time!”
There’s a beat of silence before Minori realizes she’s supposed to respond. “O-oh? I wonder what it could be!” She cringes internally. That was a horrible response.
“It’s about your relationship with Haruka! Ever since the formation of MORE MORE JUMP!, many fans have speculated that you and her may have some romantic involvement.”
Minori’s heart stops.
“In fact, there are many online communities dedicated to shipping the two of you. It’s been quite a controversial topic, so I figured we’d go to the girl herself. What do think of these speculations?”
This is a disaster Minori could have never prepared for. What is she supposed to say? The truth? That can’t be the right choice. No one would ever forgive her, least of all Haruka! But what should she say instead!? What should she –
“That’s an interesting question! I don’t think that was on the script,” Airi says before Minori can get anything out, clearly irritated. Minori makes a note to buy some sweets for her later as thanks.
“Well, you know how these things can come up rather late in production. So Minori, what do you have to say?” the interviewer responds, creating a clear dismissal of Airi and a push for Minori to answer.
The thing is, Minori can tell that Haruka and Shizuku are both gearing up to answer, probably much more eloquently than Minori ever could. If she wanted, she could let them answer and avoid this horrible situation completely. It’s so, so tempting.
But. This is her chance! Her chance to clear her name, to say the right thing and prove she’s not a bad person! She can’t just run from it; she has to face challenges head on! It’ll be fine. She just needs to say the right thing.
“That’s a good question!” Minori starts, and she can practically feel the surprised glances from her idol mates. “Though me and Haruka are really good friends, we’re not in a romantic relationship! And truthfully, it makes me a little uncomfortable when people say stuff like that!”
“Is that so?” the interviewer prompts, leaning forward.
“Yeah! Not only is it kind of icky to ship real people, but it’s especially icky to ship two girls together! I don’t want anyone to think I support that sort of thing. Remember, it’s important to set a good example!”
This seems to have been the right thing to say, because interviewer gives her a positively beaming smile. “Thank you for your answer! I’m sure it’ll settle a lot of debates. Now, onto our final few questions…Shizuku, what’s your daily beauty routine?”
Good. They’ve gone back on script. Minori lets out a sigh of relief and relaxes into her seat. Curious if Haruka thought that was an acceptable answer, Minori looks at her face, trying to gauge her expression. It doesn’t reveal much; Haruka is still wearing her bright idol expression, but when she catches Minori staring, she shoots her a – a glare? That can’t be right, Haruka doesn’t glare, and certainly not at her!
The moment passes quickly and Haruka turns her attention back to the interview, cheerful once more, but Minori can’t shake the growing pit in her stomach. She must have said the wrong thing. She just knows it!
The rest of the interview passes by in a blur. They sign off, get changed, say thank you to the staff, and before Minori knows it they’re walking out of the building into the cold evening air. This is usually the time they start debriefing, going over what well and what didn’t, but nobody says anything. There’s just a tense silence.
Minori should say something. “You know, I think that went –”
“Minori, what was that?” Airi cuts in tersely.
“Huh?”
“What was up with your answer back there? The one about you and Haruka?” she clarifies, voice growing in volume with every word. “What was it supposed to mean?”
“I’m sorry, the question took me off guard and I know my answer wasn’t the greatest – but I thought it was okay-ish? What did I do wrong?” Minori asks, baffled by Airi’s sudden rage.
“Shipping two girls together is icky? I don’t want people to think I support that sort of thing? Is that really what you think?”
“Y-yes? I mean, that’s how it works, right? Girls aren’t supposed date other girls. It’s wrong and predatory, so that’s why I said that I didn’t support it! S-should I have phrased it differently, or something?”
Airi doesn’t immediately respond, but Minori can tell she is very not happy. Her shoulders are set with tension and her fists are clenched tightly. She’s also trembling faintly, like she’s trying desperately to hold something her anger in. At the corner of her eyes are – tears? Oh no, they are, what did she do what did she do what did she do?!
“I never thought that you of all people would be homophobic, Minori,” Airi begins, her voice almost a whisper – somehow, this is much scarier. “How would it make you feel if you knew I’m lesbian? Would you still have joined MORE MORE JUMP?”
“You’re – what?” Minori says, all her thoughts coming to a screeching halt as she tries to process the bombshell that Airi just dropped.
“I’m lesbian, Minori! What do you think of that?!”
“Airi, let’s take a moment to calm down here,” Shizuku says, placing her hand on Airi’s shoulder. She doesn’t seem angry, but she doesn’t seem to be on Minori’s side either, if the wary looks she keeps sending her way are any indicator.
“Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down when she thinks I’m a bad person just for the way I was born?” Airi asks, pushing Shizuku’s hand away.
Minori thinks back to her conversation with Luka and MEIKO (it feels like it was forever ago). “I don’t think that you’re a bad person! Not at all! It’s just that –” She struggles to find the right words. “It’s just like a vice that people have to contend with! Like, I don’t know, gluttony!”
Judging by how Airi’s expression grows ten times angrier, that argument was not particularly convincing. Airi opens her mouth once and Minori braces herself, but Haruka suddenly interjects.
“Minori…I think we’re all just a little shocked. It’s hard when someone you trusted turns out to be a different person than you expected,” she says, voice unsteady in a way Minori has never heard before. "I don’t think we’re accomplishing anything by talking like this. I think maybe should – ” Her voice cracks. “Maybe we should take a break.”
Panic claws at Minori’s chest. “Take a break?! W-what does that mean?”
“I-I don’t know, let’s just…not talk for a while, okay?”
Minori wants nothing more than to keep pressing, to ask how long “a while” is, what this means for MORE MORE JUMP!, if they can ever forgive her, but she knows it’s a horrible idea. Maybe…maybe taking a breather is a good idea! It’ll give her time to get her thoughts in order and calm down. (Her chest hurts).
“O-okay…We’ll take a break…” Minori stutters out. “I, uh…hope you have a great night...!”
Airi’s only response is an icy glare over her shoulder she storms off. Shizuku quickly tails her, throwing Minori one last furtive glance before she’s gone too. Haruka remains, seemingly torn. Even with her expression twisted in sadness, she still looks beautiful in the sunset.
“You know, recently I was thinking we could be…” Haruka says, not meeting Minori’s eyes. “…never mind. Get home safely, Minori.”
Then she’s gone, and Minori is left all alone, bewildered at how things had gone so wrong so quickly, and in the exact opposite direction of what she had expected! A big tangle of anger and sadness and hurt sits in her, and it physical hurts, it really does! A few tears escape against her volition – and before she knows it, she’s full-on sobbing, right there in the street.
She doesn’t let herself cry for long; it would be really embarrassing if someone saw her. Plus, she has to get home soon, or else her mom will worry. And Minori – she’s so tired, all of a sudden. Nothing sounds more appealing than heading home and sleeping forever.
Feeling empty, Minori starts running, this time with no one at her side.