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Ranpo falls in love in a stupid psychology classroom.
Of course, he never believed he would. Ever. There was no reason to– Frankly, love made people dumb. Sure, he watched the people around him swoon and act like fools, and it was pretty funny, but it wasn’t something he would do. He was a genius, and as a genius, he knew there was no point in falling in love.
It wasn’t something he spent time pondering either. In his twenty-ish years of life, he’d probably thought about having a romantic relationship somewhere between three and five times. And every single time, he concluded there was no point.
Besides, he had plenty of people in his life. He received love as often as he gave it. There were things he loved and people he loved, and people who loved him. It was simple as that– Why would he need the awkward push and pull that made up romance that everyone seemed desperate to indulge themselves in?
Until that damn psychology class.
Ranpo wasn’t even in the class! Dazai had dragged him because he was bored, and because he didn’t want to sit alone while Yosano was absent! Ranpo had agreed because– actually, Ranpo hadn’t agreed, but Dazai had given him a lollipop and the promise of sweets afterwards, so he rolled his eyes and let himself be pulled.
And for the first time, Ranpo thought he was going to die. Not really- but there was a non-zero chance.
Though maybe it wasn't fair to say it all started there. It really started at a party, three weeks earlier.
He was no stranger to college parties. It went almost completely against his image– a house, with dozens of strangers, drinking and listening to loud (and often bad) music. But for some reason, he enjoyed them, so he went. Plus, it was always funny to see Yosano get drunk off her ass.
And at one of them, he found something interesting. There was a redheaded girl– Ranpo knew her name was Lucy because Atsushi talked about her often. Apparently, she had a grudge against him, and he had no idea why.
(Ranpo knew. It was because of his haircut, and Ranpo thought that was funny enough that she was interesting.)
But it wasn’t her that was notable. It was the comically large photo of a guy she was carrying around. There was someone next to her (obviously her girlfriend, from the way Lucy instinctively leaned towards her), whose head was in her hands as she whispered to Lucy that she shouldn’t be doing this because it was rude and–
“C’mon Lou, we have to be good friends and get our poor best friend a date!”
“Is this really the best way to do it?” Lou (?) whispered back. Well, she wasn’t whispering, but she was incredibly quiet. It didn’t seem intentional.
Then, he stopped paying attention to them, because–
Oh.
That hadn’t ever happened before.
Ranpo put a cautious hand over his heart, which had, for a brief moment, beat outside of its usual pace.
The guy was cute.
It was clear he hadn’t known about the photo. He was smiling, but it was a softer smile that could be mistaken for no expression at all. His hair covered his eyes, which Ranpo thought was an intriguing choice. Wouldn’t it be hard for him to see?
Maybe that was hypocritical of him.
He faintly registered Lucy and Lou leave, much later in the party, the redhead sighing as Lou patted her shoulder. He snorted, going back to the snacks he’d managed to snatch from whoever had hosted the party. They were probably complementary.
And he silently agreed to never think about it again.
But now, poster-boy was standing in the almost empty classroom, and he had to admit to himself that the guy was a lot cuter in person. For the second time in his life, his heart skipped a beat. But this time, it started beating faster right after.
And Dazai, the bastard he was, noticed.
Before Ranpo could do anything, Dazai walked up to the guy, asking something with a bright smile and Ranpo was going to kill him–
“I’m sitting!”
…What?
Even Dazai looked confused, though his expression barely changed. (Ranpo could tell, obviously, because he was Ranpo.) Then, poster-boy flushed a bright red from his ears to the collar of his jacket, before standing up and walking out of the room.
It wasn’t remotely romantic. Actually, most people would believe the exact opposite. The interaction didn’t even include him!
Despite every possible reason, that was the moment Ranpo started to fall in love. He supposed it wasn't falling as much as tripping over his feet repeatedly until he hit the ground, but same difference.
When he admitted it to Yosano, she laughed until she cried. Then, Ranpo described him (which he almost wished was harder to do– he could picture poster-boy's face in an instant now), and she grinned so wide Ranpo got just a bit nervous. She told him she and poster-boy definitely shared a class, and all of the sudden, Ranpo was in a writing course.
A writing course.
But Yosano had been right, and Ranpo learned poster-boy's name was Poe. Edgar Allan Poe. He was probably American, but he might’ve been European. He spoke perfect Japanese, though there was the slightest accent on some words that was kind of adorable.
Ranpo was a detective. It was his job to observe people– to find their habits and guilty ticks and expose them for their crimes. He was the best detective in the world- of course he knew how to observe!
Clearly misunderstanding, Yosano called him whipped.
Hey, it may have been crucial for him to know that when Poe writes, he uses one of those old quills Ranpo was pretty sure went out of date three centuries ago. Or how he bites his lip whenever he concentrates. Or how he gets to class as early as possible to avoid looking for seats in busy rooms, and saves tables for his friends. Eventually. For some reason.
Admittedly, not his best defense.
Ranpo had a better attendance in that class than any class he was actually in.
On that day, he arrived before Yosano, and decided he would be a great friend and find them a nice seat when–
“Shhh! What I meant was I found a cute guy you might be interested in, and he’s going, and I can totally set you two up! Y’know, last week you were complaining about how you were obviously going to die alone and whatnot.”
Ranpo was not interested in the conversation Lucy, Poe, and Louisa (who Ranpo had known as Lou) were having. Certainly not. Not even when Poe panicked and said he had something, or when Lucy (incorrectly) assumed he was saying he had a partner. And definitely not when Lucy said Poe had to bring him on Friday, and how Poe couldn’t say anything before the class started. He was very uninterested. The uninterested-est.
“Ranpo, I’m going to die,” Yosano drawled as she flopped into the seat next to him.
He gave an uncommitted hum.
“She looks like a goddess!” Yosano threw her hands up with a groan, “I’m a mere bug in her presence! I’m like– like unbuttered toast when she’s the most lovely sandwich in the world!”
Ranpo stopped calculating, turning to narrow his eyes at her, “Do you know how pathetic you sound?”
Yosano sighed, “What I wouldn’t do to just bask in the light of her gaze–”
“Oh my god.”
“Can’t you sympathize with me? Your best friend?”
He snorted, “I’m unbuttered toast and she’s a sandwich– Not your best work.”
“You don’t understand what it’s like to crush on someone so otherworldly–”
“You are genuinely hard to listen to. Just–” Ranpo paused. He had an idea. One of his best in a while, actually. And he was a genius. It was his job to have good ideas. “How about a bet?”
She stopped whining, and her expression turned curious, “...I’m listening.”
“If I ask out Poe by this Friday, then you have to confess to Kouyou.”
Yosano blinked, and then her eyes widened, a grin slowly forming on her face, “There’s no way you’re going to do that.”
“Try me.”
“I think I will.”
***
And then it was the next day, and Ranpo was standing in front of Poe, and for the first time in a while, he was nervous.
Sue him! He’d never asked anyone out before. He was usually the one turning people down, not the one confessing! Not that he was going to be turned down– he had a bet to win. So:
“Date me.”
Ranpo grinned. Poe looked a bit like a fish, with his mouth slightly open like that. It was kind of cute. Cute enough that Ranpo went on autopilot, and by the time he figured out what he was saying, he’d already called Poe stupid. Fuck.
In his defense, Poe had said his name.
But then Poe asked if Ranpo was asking him out, and he was so flustered by the question he immediately said no. He said no.
Why the hell did so many people look for romance? This was the most embarrassing moment of his life.
Poe’s face scrunched up, and it was probably entirely unintentional. For a moment, Ranpo was surprised just how expressive he was– even without showing his whole face. But then he was thinking for too long and Ranpo got impatient, and Poe swore up and down he wouldn’t be going anywhere with Ranpo. He didn’t say it, of course, though Ranpo thought it was more because of his social anxiety than for the sake of being polite.
Over the following days, Poe would glare at him from across the room, with his nose scrunched as though he'd been slighted. It made Ranpo’s heart flutter every time.
On Friday, Poe looked so impossibly embarrassed that Ranpo was sure he would break his smug facade and giggle. He also said Ranpo's name again, and after hearing for the second time he was sure he could die happy. Poe had the kind of voice people would pay money to hear in audiobooks– it was soft, but expressive, and felt like velvet.
When Poe actually asked him to the party, Ranpo grinned so wide he was worried his face would split. Sure, it was an invitation as a fake-partner, but Ranpo would take what he could get.
Maybe he was a bit pathetic.
He took advantage of the situation and dropped his phone number into Poe’s waiting hands, watching him blush in that gorgeous way of his when Ranpo called him “darling.”
He saved Poe’s number the moment he got the first text, and from the look Yosano gave him, he didn’t do a very good job of seeming casual about it.
Then, Poe picked him up from his house, and bought him food (his friends didn’t even do that?!) and looked so stupid gorgeous that Ranpo yelled at him to “Drive!” and relished the annoyed look on his face as he did just that. He also relished the taste of the pastry he’d gotten.
Maybe Ranpo could see the appeal of this romance thing.