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Kel swung the door open as he entered his house. He threw his sports bag onto the floor beside it.
He couldn’t wait to tell Hero what had happened during this training session! Really, that shot he’d managed to do was so cool! Maybe even cool enough for Hero to have some sort of a reaction…
Kel couldn’t blame him. But it was a bit sad.
He closed the door and ran upstairs, forgetting the last thought as it came to his mind.
“Heroooo! Are you awaaaaaakeee?”—he swung the bedroom door open,—“you won’t believe what happened today!”
Wait, he’d forgotten to knock. Hero would probably forgive him for that.
Kel saw his brother sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Oh, you are!” He turned the lights on. “Sooo, you remember that guy I told you about? I mean, in my group, heh.” He paused.
“…” Hero just sat there. Usually, he’d look at him and nod or something, or just lie in his bed. This had never really happened.
“Are you… alright?” Kel quickly approached him.
“…” Hero seemed to grip his mattress tighter. “…careful…please,” he muttered, suddenly looking up at Kel.
His eyes were red from crying. Nothing straying from the usual.
“Wha—“ Kel stopped in his tracks.
His brother didn’t respond; he only looked at him with a seemingly begging expression. He looked around, not knowing what was expected of him.
A knife was on the floor.
It took Kel a few seconds to process everything. When he did manage to, he wasted no time picking it up. He gripped it. He didn’t let his eyes off Hero.
"What…happened…?" He managed to let out.
"…" Hero turned away, squeezing the mattress even more tightly in his hands. His knuckles turned white.
Kel rushed downstairs.
Get the knife somewhere safe. Then maybe talk to him.
He had to tell mom. She’d know what to do after. Maybe she’d even manage to fix it. The last time, she’d… kind of managed to… temporarily. Even though that wasn’t as extreme as it was right now.
He had no idea why he could stay so calm right now. At least mentally, he had to be shaking since he’d just nearly fallen up the stairs.
Maybe he just hadn’t processed it yet. Or he wasn’t mature enough to understand. At least that’s what his parents told him when the same happened to Mari and he’d asked them why Hero wasn’t trying to make new friends or something…
He entered the room again. Hero was still in the same place; now, silently crying.
“Don’t tell anyone. Please.” He looked at Kel.
“…” He didn’t know how to respond.
He did hug Hero, nearly clinging to him; afraid to let go at that moment.
“I swear… I won’t do this again,” he added.
His voice was barely above a whisper and Kel was heavily relying on the context to understand him.
“Hero…” he whispered again. He was frozen in place. He wanted to say no. He knew he should refuse.
But this was the first time Hero managed to say that much in, maybe, months. And he seemed sincere.
“I… I dunno…” Kel took a deep breath. “Just… don’t go.”
"I can't do it if you leave too" was unsaid. "You're prolly the only one who still listens to me" – too. He did leave a lot out when talking about what was going on with the others. Maybe that’s why Hero didn’t know how important he still was… well, at least to him. Hero would always be important to him.
“I won’t,” he said after a considerable pause.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Okay…” he sighed.
“…thank you.”
The rest of the day was a blur. He was mostly trying to manage things while looking after Hero. The latter was acting like usual. Kel hoped he wasn’t missing any signs right now. Because he often did.
And those weren’t just the signs with Mari. No one had foreseen that.
No, those were much, much worse.
Kel barely restrained himself from hiding just about any harmful thing in the house.
He also made sure Hero wasn’t trying to starve or dehydrate himself.
And even that night, he couldn’t fall asleep. Hero was still awake. Kel had no idea when Hero had managed to find that knife but it clearly wasn’t in the morning… or, likely, earlier than he’d gotten out because the ones that weren’t in plain sight were hidden by his parents. He did know where though.
He’d been the first to wake up today.
The first to get to the kitchen.
And he’d seen nothing.
And that’s why he wasn’t sound asleep now.
He swore he’d never try to ignore Hero, even out of empathy, if he ever woke up to him crying again. He couldn’t fail at trying to make sure his brother was okay. He’d gotten way too close too many times now.
Wait. There was still a chance Hero had somehow been planning that.
…Actually, no, no way. Wasn’t that the knife dad had been sharpening yesterday? Kel couldn’t recall exactly.
Either way, there was still a problem. He couldn’t sleep. And Hero didn’t seem like he was even going to try.
“Hey, you should get some sleep…” Kel looked at him.
“…” Hero stared at the ceiling, barely blinking.
“Really.”—he stood up, going closer to Hero and sitting on his bed,—“I know it’s gotta be hard after today and all… but you still should.”
Kel tried to say something that would convince him. But it was like his brother wasn’t reacting. Maybe he didn’t even want to.
A few minutes went by. He was repeating the same things he’d already told Hero.
He gave up. Nothing was working.
"Mari really wouldn’t want to see you like this…” slipped out of his mouth. “She’d want us to be happy,” he continued, “maybe even if it’s without her, y’know?”
Hero muttered something. Even though Kel hadn’t heard it, he was sure what he was trying was working.
“She’s just that kind of person… And, well, I know you didn’t try to do it too because you want me… or anyone… to be sad… I hope so. There’s gotta be another reason.” He paused. “We all still need you… Aubrey, Basil, Sunny,” he lied. “Me too.”
"Maybe we could both visit her when you’re ready… if you don’t wanna be alone. Would that—“
“Just shut up.”
“…” Kel looked at him.
Did he do something wrong? He probably did… But everything had been going so well.
He didn’t know how to respond.
“Why are you talking about her!? It already hurts enough, and you’re just making it all worse!” He sat up.
“I…”—Kel sprung to his feet and made a few steps away.—“I’m sorry, o-okay? I was just tryna—“
“Shut up. Just shut up for once! Do you think I just stay like this on purpose?! NO! I can’t even look out the window for fuck’s sake! All I see is their backyard and that stump! I can’t even look outside! Do you even get how that feels!?”
Hero stood up.
"…" Kel made another few steps backward.
It was okay. It would end soon, right? Hero never got angry so it couldn’t be for long…
Or maybe he'd just completely screwed it over.
He wished he’d never spoken.
“OF COURSE YOU DON’T! YOU NEVER GOT IT. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT HER ENOUGH TO SEE HOW I FEEL!?”
Hero was in tears.
“I know you don’t.”
He didn’t mean it. He couldn’t mean something like that, right?
“…” Kel slipped on his shirt and fell backwards.
He felt trapped.
He kept looking at Hero… mostly out of fear that the latter would get even angrier if he turned away.
Hero took a deep breath. “You’re the only one who cares but honestly I’D RATHER BE LEFT ALONE! HOW EASY DO YOU THINK IT IS TO HEAR ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE AROUND FALLING APART WHEN YOU CAN BARELY KEEP YOURSELF TOGETHER!?”
Kel started crying too.
But he knew Hero didn’t mean any of it. He was just angry. And he guessed it wasn't too bad to be the punching bag if it made someone feel better in the end, right?
That’s why he’d made new friends. So he could forget about what was going on for a bit and try to keep the rest of his friends together.
Even though that hadn’t worked. Sometimes he believed that nothing he tried would lead to anything good.
Well, maybe it would work now. If it didn’t… he guessed he at least knew what Hero was going through. Sure, he had no idea how to help but he could still try.
Hero’s voice broke.
Kel spaced out.
He wasn’t really looking at Hero anymore, just in his direction.
He wasn’t even listening; one of the songs he liked and recalled well was playing in his mind on repeat as Hero kept screaming at him.
Maybe that wasn’t a good thing to do.
But he couldn’t bring himself to listen to it all again.
Wait—
When had mom and dad entered?
The lights were on too.
He hadn’t noticed.
He looked at Hero. They were comforting him.
They were surely doing a much better job at it than him.
Kel took a few deep breaths and wiped his tears. He wondered if this really did help in the end. Letting out so much pent-up stuff was probably nice.
Hero was still crying.
Kel wondered if this would get mentioned ever again.
Probably not.
He knew he wouldn’t whine about it for sure.
He should stand up... maybe try to comfort Hero too. Mom and dad mightn’t let him though.
Both were ignoring him.
He tried to convince himself it was fair but he would’ve kinda liked a hug or something too. One of them telling him he tried and that was enough would be cool too.
But this wasn’t going to happen, and he knew it.
He turned away from the three, trying not to cry again.
He couldn’t help but periodically glance at them though.
Hero didn’t seem to care about the comfort. Frankly, Kel was getting a bit frustrated about that.
Sure, he needed so much more just to feel fine. But he got so much more. And he just wasn’t taking it.
Their eyes met.
Kel sighed and forced a tiny smile.
Hero hugged him.
"I'm sorry, Kel… I’m so, so sorry… I swear I didn’t mean it— I don’t know why—“
“It’s okay. I know.” He hugged back.
Maybe letting out all the anger was enough. Because Hero was getting better.
He was spending more time awake. He even began setting up alarms to get up earlier.
He did stuff around the house more. He sometimes played with Hector.
He started spending more time with Kel... and actually replied when they talked. He got out for the first time in months.
But even then, each time Kel ended up alone with Hero, or anytime the latter actually couldn’t get out of bed, he gave the same guilty look. Guilty not for lashing out but for an attempt.
It was like Hero thought Kel would say something the moment he’d slip up or have a bad day.
Kel also noticed how much Hero was trying to apologize for the fight.
Action figures that he’d usually have to beg for or save up for months randomly appearing on his bed.
Chores getting done for him.
Trying to help him with homework even when he was clearly busy and struggling with school exams… or something like that; Kel wasn’t sure.
Kel had to tell him to stop.
When Hero was in college, he'd call Kel at least twice a week. He'd ask asked about his life, school, his friends; Hero even remembered all their names.
When Kel asked him whether he’d tried to hang out with anyone, Hero would usually brush it off or, at most, complain about someone trying to hit on him.
“I guess he's a little more closed off now than he used to be, but…”—Kel shrugged,—“I'm really just glad to have my brother back.”
“…” Sunny just looked at him.
“Anyways, sorry for the long story. I don't think I've ever told anyone that before.” Kel awkwardly smiled. “It's not his fault, but… I still think Hero blames himself for Mari's death.”
“…” Sunny quietly sighed.
Hero definitely wasn’t the only one.
“Hero's never visited here… Not even once. I know it really hurts, but maybe it might be good for him. I don't know…”
Kel wished he could tell someone the first part. How it had started. He even wondered if Sunny had seen Mari do anything close to that.
But his mouth was sealed. Plus, Hero hadn’t done anything like that since then… at least to his knowledge.
Now that he thought about it, having someone listen like that really was therapeutic. Maybe he should do something like that more often... and not just with an empty room.