Chapter Text
Four years. That’s the anniversary he’d be mourning in just a few days.
Bokuto stuffs his hands into his pockets and curls deeper into his jacket, nuzzling his chin against his scarf. Osaka was finally breaking out the Christmas decorations, and Bokuto, always a die-hard fan of Christmas, wanted to watch them all turn on. He wasn’t the only one out here; a small crowd was collecting in the street, waiting for the annual lighting. Then there were his friends, who wanted to come with him. He’s slightly sure that their own enjoyment weighed heavily in on their decision to join him and not just to support him.
Hinata was supplying Atsumu with snowballs as the blonde attempted to hammer Sakusa. The poor black-haired man was squirming away, complaining loudly about how many people must have stepped on that before they picked it up with their bare hands. Then Hinata decided to be extremely helpful and commented how animal feces could be mixed in there too, only furthering Sakusa’s whining. Bokuto glanced over just in time to watch Atsumu finally strike Sakusa with a snowball down his shirt. Sakusa wasted no time before sliding his leg underneath Atsumu’s, making him topple over into the snow. Hinata had to hunch over on a lamppost to laugh.
It was fun to watch them all mess around, three grown men playing in the snow, all of whom are some of Japan’s top volleyball players. Bokuto liked the distraction. It kept evil thoughts at bay and helped him maintain a smile. Two things his friends were very good at helping him with. His friends learned quickly that during the days when Bokuto couldn’t get out of his head, he just needed time to sort through it all and would go back to normal on his own. During that time, they would make sure to keep him involved and stay near him, even if he didn’t involve himself in the conversation.
Today is one of those days. Bokuto woke up feeling awful. The first heavy snowfall of each year tends to trigger old memories and make him feel like a lump of bile on the side of the road. He hates that he associates snow with the worst moment of his life. As a kid, he always loved playing in it, building snowmen, creating snow angels, and having thrilling snowball fights with his sisters. His eldest sister had spent a year abroad in America and returned right before Christmas, and she showed him new traditions, which only made him love the holiday even more.
Now, he has conflicting feelings about it. He’ll never forget the feeling of waking up to a fresh layer of snow on the ground and drinking hot cocoa with freezing hands. If it had never snowed that day it would all still be nostalgic.
But it had to be snowing that day; the day Bokuto lost the love of his life. So it’s no surprise that that once happy association with winter turned bittersweet—a complicated mixture of emotions. So yes, his complex relationship with snow runs deeper than complaining about roads closing or wet socks. But his friends know of his long history with winter and, for the past two years, have tried to remedy it by creating new memories with him.
Suddenly, as Bokuto hears the clock strike twelve, hundreds of colorful Christmas lights illuminate the street, and gasps scatter across the crowd. His eyes widen like saucers at all the colors. The lights were strung up on businesses, trees, and posts, making the festive decorations come alive with holiday joy. Hinata gasps and spins around to see it all. “Wow!” he exclaims, it was his first time in Osaka for Christmas. Atsumu climbs off the sidewalk, brushes his hands off, and then gapes at the lights.
“Jeez! Ya weren’t kidding! These are so cool!” Atsumu takes hold of Sakusa’s hand and pulls him closer. He pretends to hate it but melts willingly into the hug. Music started to play from the speakers, and a venue opened up, selling hot chocolate and an assortment of alcoholic beverages. The little cart piques Bokuto’s interest, and he rises from his seat with a grunt; it seems his limbs are nearly frozen in place. It only makes him want the piping hot drink even more.
Hinata follows him, and they leave the couple to have their little moment in the snow. Hinata blows hot air into his palms. Bokuto notices that his fingertips are red from playing in the snow. “I loved Brazil, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think anything beats Christmas here in Japan. I could be biased, though.” Hinata said happily as they got in line.
Bokuto laughs, “Did it even feel like Christmas over there? I can’t imagine it would with all the heat.”
Hinata thought momentarily, “Hm, it did feel like Christmas, just in a different way. There wasn’t any snow, no, but the parties were, for the most part, the same. Christmas without the nostalgia.” He concluded, and Bokuto nodded along. Hinata returned from Brazil not too long ago, just in time to make it to the MSBY try-outs.
Bokuto was absolutely ecstatic to see his first and favorite pupil make the team. He scolded Hinata for not saying anything about even thinking of joining MSBY. The fake anger was short-lived, as they celebrated the night with drinks, food, and horrendous dancing. That night was the most fun he’d had in a very long time. Hinata had so many stories to tell about his time in Brazil, and he had a room of people willing to listen. It ranged from the culture to his training. He even mentioned that he ran into Oikawa Tooru during his first few months there, and they spent a ton of time together. Hinata had plenty of souvenirs that he took the time to show his friends, and by the end, everyone was drunk enough to laugh at anything and everything.
“I’m supposed to visit Tobio soon, gah, I’m super excited.” Hinata smiles warmly at the mention of his boyfriend. Finding out Hinata and Kageyama got together wasn't necessarily a shocker. It was how they got together that was the kicker. Kageyama confessed to Hinata in their third year, but he’d already decided to go to Brazil with Kenma’s sponsorship, so he rejected him. It wasn’t for lack of love, but Hinata was scared of ruining what they had with distance. He wanted to wait to talk about it again until he got back.
Of course, if he had waited, they would’ve finally spoken about it just two months ago– after two whole years in Brazil. Kageyama took the rejection as well as anyone could. He agreed that he didn’t want things to change and didn’t stop being Hinata’s friend.
Graduation came and went, and Hinata assumed they’d left on good terms. But it was barely after the Olympics when Kageyama appeared at Hinata’s residence. He went on and on about how he couldn’t care less about the distance. Not having him or knowing where they stood was a worse fate. He wouldn’t shut up (Hinata recalled it was the most Kageyama had ever said in a single breath) until Hinata grabbed his face and kissed him. Kageyama stayed in Brazil for two weeks before his coach called and told him he needed to return to Japan.
He didn’t leave before making their relationship public on social media. Bokuto remembers seeing the post of them kissing and wondering how their PR would take it. It turned out the situation was a PR’s dream. The ratings skyrocketed for the Schweiden Adler’s and Hinata’s beach volleyball matches, which exploded with views. Even now, with the two of them being on opposite teams, the matches where they played against each other were always the most anticipated.
Bokuto is happy for them. “That’ll be exciting. Any plans?”
Hinata nods animatedly, “Mhm! We’re going to visit our families for Christmas! Natsu’s really looking forward to seeing Tobio again! It’s so fun to see them interact. Even though she’s almost a teenager, he still has no idea how to interact with her. He just lets her do whatever she wants with him. Last time, she got him to let her paint his toenails.” A holiday spent with family and the man he loves. Bokuto tries not to let envy swell inside him. It’s gotten easier by now, as he has to do it every time his friends talk about their partners.
Instead, he tries to focus on the smell of food in the air and looks through the menu to see what he wants to drink. By the time the two of them are up to the front, he’s decided he wants a peppermint tea, and he’s listened to three funny stories of Natsu and Kageyama. Hinata orders a plain hot chocolate with marshmallows. He takes a sip and lets the warmth spread throughout his body. Hinata taps his cup lightly, licking his foam mustache off, and looks at Bokuto, averts his gaze, then looks back again. Clearly nervous to say something, but Bokuto doesn’t want to risk this evening. So before he can speak up, Bokuto suggests they go find Atsumu and Sakusa again. Hinata nods, thankfully receiving the signal.
After wiggling through the crowd, he can see them waving the two of them down. Hinata seems to be satisfied with the distraction, takes hold of Bokuto’s arm, and pulls him through the mass. “Hey! They have a photo backdrop! We need to grab photos!” Their little group of four pushes through to the photo area. It’s a backdrop of some stereotypical Christmas cookies, but Bokuto loves it. They had a bucket of props sitting off to the side, and they started digging.
Atsumu pulls out antlers with small bells attached to the ends and immediately puts them on Bokuto’s head. “I think they suit ya real well!” Bokuto wears them proudly and helps match the rest of them. He gives elf hats to Hinata and Atsumu. Hinata, because he’s short, “I’ve grown plenty!” He argues. Atsumu, because he thought it looked funny. That left Sakusa with the Santa hat and white beard. Bokuto eyes him mischievously.
“Absolutely not.” He said, appalled that they would try to make him wear a beard.
Atsumu drapes himself off his boyfriend’s arm, “Come on, Omi! Ya can wear it o’er yer mask!” he tries to convince, but the spiker refuses.
“You’re insane if you think I’m putting that on.” He says with finality. If he's honest, they were lucky to get him to wear the hat. Bokuto takes it as a win. A lady ushers them to stand in front of the backdrop and tells them to pose. The first pose is ordinary. They all hold up some sort of sign. Atsumu holds up a chummy thumbs up, Hinata with a peace sign, Sakusa chooses to wrap his arm around Atsumu’s, and Bokuto balls up his fists to imitate reindeer hooves.
They get one more photo. Hinata pushes Bokuto onto his hands and knees, then he and Atsumu work together to make Sakusa sit on his back. The three of them guffaw while Sakusa’s face burns red with embarrassment. When the shot is taken, Bokuto stands up, dumping Sakusa back into Atsumu, whom he chides. Bokuto can hear a small, “Sorry, Omi. Forgot the only thing ya like riding is yours truly.” earning a smack in the rib from the spiker.
He ignores them and scans the code for the photos. They pop up with cute little borders, all of them saying something like “Merry Christmas.” He pays and instantly saves them to his phone. He’ll find a way to get them printed and hung on his wall. Atsumu comes up from behind and puts a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder, “Hey, we’re thinkin’ of movin' this little party o’er to my brother’s. Interested?”
“Totally.” Bokuto shoves his phone back into his pocket. Hinata manages to convince a taxi driver to let them all pile in the back and take them down a few blocks to Onigiri Miya. It’s a rough ride for sure, and Hinata is forced to lay down where their feet are. He ties Atsumu’s shoelaces together, so when they get out, he trips onto the sidewalk. Not without pulling Hinata down with him in revenge.
Bokuto slides the taxi driver a good tip to make up for Hinata’s spilled hot chocolate, which ended up being collateral damage in the fall. The taxi driver takes it, and guilt trips Bokuto and the rest of them into giving him their signatures. It’s only on a small napkin he got from the booth, but it makes the driver happy enough.
Atsumu leads them up a flight of stairs at the back of the building. He pulls out his keys and unlocks the door. “You told him we’re coming, right?” Sakusa inquires, noticing how quiet the blond is when opening the door.
“I’m family. It’s okay.” He shushes them by putting his finger up to his lips, then pushes the door. “Trust me.” Atsumu gestures for them to go in. The three of them hesitantly walk in and hear sounds coming from the television. Atsumu shuts the door loudly behind them and waltzes into the living room, “Did my dear twin miss me?” He laughed.
Osamu springs up from the couch, and the blanket he and Suna are wrapped in falls to the ground. “I gave ya those keys for emergencies, little shit.” There’s no hostility in his words, he walks across the living room to hug his twin. “And ya brought friends? Why didn’t ya tell me ya were comin'? Nice to see ya guys again.” Osamu bows his head a little as a greeting. The three of them do the same in return, Hinata offering a little wave, too.
Atsumu returns the hug and then shrugs. “We were out lookin’ at the lights, and I realized how close we were to yer shop. Thought I’d stop by to say hi… maybe stay the night?” He says slyly.
“Ya just didn’t want to pay for a ride back.” Osamu accuses. He disappears into the hallway and then comes back with arms full of blankets. “I got two futons, yer gonna hafta fight over who gets what.” He lays them all on the ground. Suna gets up to say hi to them while Atsumu and Osamu bicker over the placement of the blankets. “Ah ah ah, ya and yer Omi gotta sleep in separate beds under this roof.”
Atsumu stares blankly at him, “The fuck? Why?”
“The fuck ya mean ‘why?’ I’m still scarred from the last time I walk in on ya sharin’ a bed.” Osamu sticks out his tongue. Bokuto and Hinata side-eye Sakusa, whose cheeks are slowly turning a bright shade of red. “Ya are gonna sleep on this side of the room, he’s gonna sleep on this side.”
“I’m a grown man, ya can’t stop me from fucking my boyfriend, ya–”
Sakusa quickly cuts the blond off by grabbing Suna’s arm and announcing to the room, “I’ll sleep with Rin.” Suna doesn’t seem to have any complaints, so he starts to drag Sakusa down the hall. Atsumu frowns and asks his boyfriend to give him a goodnight kiss before they leave. Sakusa complies and then leaves the rest of them in the living room.
“Tell yer boyfriend to stop stealing my boyfriend.” Osamu shoves a pillow into Atsumu’s face, who is quick to grab his own pillow and fight back. Hinata gets caught in the crossfire, but he takes it as an opportunity to pick up his weapon and join in the fight.
Atsumu hits Osamu hard: "Your boyfriend is the one who started these sleepovers.” Bokuto is pleased to sit on the couch with his tea and watch the roughhousing. Watching the Miya twins interact was always entertaining, and throwing a Hinata in there made it even more so. The three of them tire themselves out and actually work on turning the floor into one big bed. Osamu ends up switching places with Bokuto so he can sleep on the couch. Hinata is okay with taking the middle.
Hinata convinces them to turn on some Christmas rom-com to fall asleep to, and Osamu obliges. It ends up being pretty interesting, and they get really invested. Each of them takes turns to compliment or criticize the characters or storyline. As expected, Osamu and Atsumu root for different love interests, and Hinata can’t decide. The movie follows a girl who has a crush on a barista. They fake date to impress her family back home for Christmas, but they run into her old boyfriend, who had to move away but is still in love with her. It’s the perfect cheesy movie.
“He’s clearly the better option. He liked her way before she had her glow-up.” Atsumu argues.
“Nah, he’s the better option cause he knows how to take care of himself. The other dude can’t keep a job.” Osamu bickered back. Hinata sat in the middle, still torn because apparently they both made very compelling arguments. In the end, he said she should just run away with her best friend if she’s that conflicted about two men.
Bokuto can’t say he has a preference or opinion on the discussion. He just likes the pretty set design. One by one, they fall asleep, leaving Bokuto to watch the show alone. Until it gets to a particular scene, Bokuto likes the movie. The scene is when the girl cries about god knows what, and the male lead confesses. Unfortunately, it reminds Bokuto of when it all started—before the accident and even before his first love.
It was the day Bokuto first looked at his best friend a little differently.
___________
Bokuto will never forget the moment he finally realized how pretty Akaashi is. One, because it led Bokuto to finally realize how he felt about his setter and best friend. Two, because his timing couldn’t have been worse, and he felt guilty about it for days.
It was in his second year after Fukurodani lost in nationals. They didn’t make it as far as they’d hoped to, and the team was devastated. But no one more so than Akaashi. He’d hidden it well. He remained poised and kept his composure when they took their bows and even when they left the stadium. A few snobby older teammates whispered about how rude it was not even to pretend to be bummed. Bokuto wanted to yell at them because he knew better. He knew Akaashi did care. He could tell from how stiffly he walked off the court, how he kept his head down, and how when he finally did look up, the gleam in his eyes was gone. It was replaced with glossed-over tears that he’d yet to divulge.
Bokuto knew Akaashi was upset they lost. But he didn’t know the full extent of his pain until they got back to the school. The team gathered around in the gym as their captain announced he would be handing the position to Bokuto. He’d collapsed to the ground from pure, overwhelming joy. It was such a bittersweet moment, the team took turns congratulating him. But when Bokuto turned to Akaashi, hoping to snag some of his signature praise, he paused. The setter looked scared— no, terrified. His eyes were wide and his lips slightly parted. All the color in his face was drained.
“I’m proud of you, Bokuto-san. Congratulations.” He mumbled, barely above a whisper. It sounded so foreign, and there was no way that voice came from Akaashi. Bokuto could see some of the team roll their eyes, and when they ended the day with changing into their normal clothes, he heard bits of “Sure is a downer, isn’t he?” “Couldn’t even be happy for his best friend.”
It pushed him over the edge, so when he saw Akaashi leave, he bolted after him. “‘Kaashi!” He called out. The setter paused and looked back to face him, almost looking worse than he did before.
“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi said softly. He stopped and waited for him to catch up. “What are you doing?” He asked once Bokuto was only a few inches away.
“We’re friends, right?” He’d blurted. Akaashi always knew what to do when he was feeling down. Akaashi always knew the right thing to say or do. Nothing like Bokuto, who grasped at straws whenever faced with the task of cheering someone up.
The black-haired boy nodded, giving Bokuto a suspicious look. “Yes, I’d like to say we are.”
Bokuto bit at his lip. His eyes flitted around, trying to think of how to put it in a way that would make Akaashi feel better. He didn’t want to be blunt. He wanted to be his solace. Unfortunately, Bokuto isn’t someone who can’t not say what’s on his mind. “If we’re friends, I want you to talk to me. You’re sad, and you’re just going to go home and sulk.”
Akaashi tensed, rubbing his hands out of nervous habit. “You could say that…” he trailed off. “But I’m fine, and it’s perfectly normal to be sad about losing at nationals.”
“If it’s normal, why are you trying to hide it? You can cry, ‘Kaashi. I did a little on the bus. We won’t judge you. Promise.” Bokuto reaches out to pat his shoulder. “Besides, we have next year.”
“The third years don’t have next year, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi pressed.
Bokuto raised a brow, “Well, no. But we do. That’s all that matters.” He tried to amend it.
But Akaashi wasn’t having any of it. “It does matter. You saw how upset Nakamura was!” It was rare that Akaashi’s emotions would bubble up and explode. Sometimes, like now, Akaashi felt more than he knew what to do with. But for the life of him, Bokuto couldn’t understand why he was so distraught.
“Yeah… he seemed really upset, but what does that…” he couldn’t find the right words because he had no idea what he was trying to fix. “‘Kaashi, we did all we could—“
“I messed up!” He yelled. Bokuto’s eyes widened. “We lost because I messed up. It was my set that ended the game, and it was too low. My hand slipped, and I set it wrong. Now, Nakamura thinks it’s his fault. If I just did my job correctly, we would’ve won!” He wipes at tears beginning to appear in the corners of his eyes. “It’s my fault that our captain thinks he lost the game. I couldn’t say anything. I was too ashamed to say anything. I’m a coward.” He kept rambling, half of it Bokuto couldn’t decipher due to the hyperventilating. “And now you’re captain. What if I disappoint you, too? You’ll be mad at me. I’ll ruin nationals again, but worst of all, I’d make you look bad.”
Bokuto’s fingertips tingled. Whatever was responsible for keeping his heart in the center of his chest snapped and dropped it to his gut, pooling it with warmth. He was incredibly flattered that Akaashi cared so deeply about him, but that could be explained. They were friends and teammates. It’s only natural for Akaashi to want to make Bokuto look good on court. What wasn’t explainable was why his mouth ran dry and his brain malfunctioned. Why, when he looked at Akaashi, who was a sobbing mess, all he wanted to do was kiss him.
His friend is beautiful. Akaashi is no stranger to confessions or compliments. Even Bokuto, who has a record of not really acknowledging things like that, could tell that Akaashi is well above the average person based on appearance . It wasn’t just his face. It was how he carried himself. The best word to describe Akaashi would be regal. It wasn’t the first time Bokuto pondered just how amazing he was, so why can’t he function normally now?
Akaashi was not a pretty crier. He tried to wipe away snot and tears with the sleeve of his jacket. His face was red, and his eyes were scrunched weirdly. There was even some drool peeking out from the corner of his mouth. So why did Bokuto think this was the prettiest he’d ever been? ‘ I’m a terrible person.’ He thought to himself. Why was he fawning over the setter during a clearly distressing part of his life? In lue of words, Bokuto wrapped his arms around Akaashi and pulled him in tightly.
“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi shakily mumbled into his shoulder. He slid his hands around Bokuto’s waist, and the spiker did his best not to tense as a reaction.
He took a deep breath. “‘Kaashi, no one blames you for what happened today. Yeah, it sucks we lost. But it’s not because of you, never because of you.” Bokuto released his grip a little so he could lean back and look into Akaashi’s eyes. “As the new captain of Fukurodani’s volleyball team, I decree that making you cry is grounds for expulsion.” He joked— but was it really one?
It helped a little. Akaashi let out a delicate laugh. “What if they’re the best player on the team?”
“Mm, you’re right. I can’t kick you out, but you’re not allowed to make yourself cry either.” Bokuto pressed his friend into his chest one last time before letting go. He got a good look at his face, and he was glad the crying stopped but wasn’t too happy he couldn’t read his expression.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi smiles wetly. “Thank you.”
Bokuto just stared in awe. His heart clenched. Was he even breathing? “Yeah… any time.” He walked Akaashi to his house, filling any silence with small talk or gossip he’d heard. Luckily, trying to fill the silence wasn’t anything out of character for Bokuto. Akaashi accepted the small talk and nodded along, responding when appropriate. He only hoped his friend couldn’t hear how loudly his heart was beating. It would have to be something he would sort out when he got home.
___________
Bokuto’s breath becomes slightly hitched. He presses his hand to his forehead and sits up. He knew today would be bad, that he’d end up getting flashbacks, yet he still gets shaken up when they come. Which sucks, he had a great day, practice went well and he spent his free time with his favorite people. These episodes used to be worse and much more frequent, but he thought he had gotten better enough to limit them to two days.
He can’t stay in the living room; he needs fresh air. Slowly, Bokuto pushes his blanket aside and finds the screen door to the balcony. The temperature has to be just barely above double digits. It’s not the best idea to be sitting outside with just borrowed pajama pants and a T-shirt, but Bokuto couldn’t help but love how the cold air nipped his cheeks.
‘ It was snowing the day I lost him.’
His complicated relationship with snow. The nostalgia versus the hatred that it took his soulmate from him. But beyond that, Bokuto is angry that whenever he’s in snow, he feels closer to him. Snow is how his love left him, and it’s foolish to believe snow is where he’ll find him again. Maybe he’ll see footsteps and just know they belong to him. A hooded figure in the distance will appear, and Bokuto will hop off the balcony, risking it all just because he has a feeling it’s him.
He wraps his hands around his knees. Every year, celebrating the anniversary of his disappearance didn’t get easier. It was always the soul-crushing sadness, and it tore down his progress for a while. Except this year, he expects it to be much harder. He pushed away the two people who would drop everything to help him.
A blanket being wrapped around his shoulders pulls him out of his thoughts. Bokuto looks over and sees Atsumu take a seat beside him. “Whatcha doin' out here, Bo?” He nuzzles into his jacket, and Bokuto tightly pulls the offered blanket around himself.
He lets out a long breath, watching it cloud in the air. “Not much. Just enjoying the weather.”
From the corner of his peripheral vision, Bokuto watches Atsumu bite at his lip. “His birthday’s tomorrow, isn’t it?” He asks, the hesitation crystal clear in his tone.
Atsumu and Bokuto joined the Black Jackals around the same time. So he knows about Bokuto’s grief. Kuroo had been the one to tell him last year when he started showing signs again. This is the first time Atsumu blatantly brought it up instead of just providing his company. Bokuto nods, “Yeah.” His voice is strained.
“Do you want me to stay with you tomorrow?” He offers.
Bokuto wants to say yes, but even more, he wants to show himself that he can handle it. He had his last therapy session a few weeks ago, and now he’s just on antidepressants. He’s doing better. “I think I want to spend the day by myself. I’ll find something to do.” He assures. “Thank you anyway, Tsum-tsum.” Besides, he needs to prove himself to the people who helped him along the way. Perhaps, prove to himself that it gets easier.
Atsumu smiles, “Anytime.”
The two of them sit and watch the snowfall until Bokuto notices Atsumu shivering slightly, finally making them go inside. He won’t let his teammate suffer the consequences of his bad health decisions.