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English
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Published:
2024-11-09
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38
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1/1
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No title

Notes:

I, for some reason, with my Korean brain, initially uploaded this as a Korean fic - it's in fact in English.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

When I saw you across the street, I lowered my hat, praying that you would not notice me.

For what reason? Was it guilt? Embarrassment? Regret?

Or, perhaps, my rising heartbeat and blushing face would answer the question.

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Okay, I don't expect someone to read this or even know who Martin is. So let me write an essay that's longer then the fucking fic.

Martin Gay (1803-1850) was a Bostonian doctor and chemist. When he entered Harvard in 1819, Emerson, to describe in modern terms, started crushing on him. He found Martin's eyes particularly attractive - the cold blue eyes.

He wrote his affections in his journal, including few poems. However these entries were later censored or disguised. He knew what he was doing, feeling, and what it meant.

He even drew a small sketch of his appearance. As far as I can find, there's no other portrait or picture of Martin preserved. Emerson's drawing is what's left, and this fact, as an armature historian, leaves me shaking. He tried to hide, disguise, forget, Martin - but in the end, his drawing is what's left of Martin.

You can see the drawing here

Martin appears in his journal entry in 1822 for the final time, with a rather bitter-sweet message : "From the first, I preferred to preserve the terms which kept alive so much sentiment rather than a more familiar intercourse which I feared would end in indifference."
Afterwards there's no record of contact between them, or that's what I've heard. There's no record as to know if how Martin felt either, and it really saddens me.

(On the other hand, this creates a mystery and pretty exiting fic prompt.)

Emerson later got married and had children, and I do not try to ignore this fact. (Bisexuality exists) In fact, his wife, Lydia/Lidian Jackson Emerson, sister of my favorite historical figure Charles Thomas Jackson, is the reason I got interested in Emerson in the first place. And I'm pretty sure that if I read this fic to him he'll punch me in the face for disrespecting his sister.

Anyways.

Most of the information came from The Journals and Miscellaneous Notebooks of Ralph Waldo Emerson, which is accessible from the IA (vol 1 / vol 2). This article is more concise and professional then my rambling. Btw, this was what I first saw when I typed "Martin Gay" in the search engine. Imagine my surprise when I was just expecting his Wikipedia page or some pictures of standard 19th century middle class men. I know that A Queer History of the United States also deal with this topic, but I haven't read it and I'm sure that you can feel enough gayness with the sources I did read.

Okay, I'll stop here. I originally planed to write a bit longer fic for them but it's taking too long, so I'll be satisfied with this fic that I wrote in, like, 10 mins. If you, for some reason, liked this post, check out my drawings of them. And if you intentionally found this fic, holy shit please leave a comment.

I write/draw shit when I'm depressed, and this is certainly alarming. Help, I'm out of my meds.