Chapter Text
First, it should be clearly understood that what happened was for Science!
Also, it was the fault of the project manager whose Scope document for their project to improve the Equilibrimotors used in the top secret - but everyone knew about it - government project for a massive helicarrier clearly included the business requirement that the design should, "palpitate the prick rhythmically."
"Are you sure that the business requirements for this project requires me to palpitate a prick?" Phil was not averse, he just wanted to be completely clear that he was not misreading the project requirements.
Lem adjusted his glasses on his nose. "Do you honestly think that a Project Scope could have made it through the initial design review, the project review council, an agile scrum discussion while playing soccer, and final signoff, which required review by eight separate departments, if they actually meant to pulse the perforated photostasis array, which would admittedly make more sense for a project of this type."
"I suppose not." Phil nodded. "Whose prick gets palpitated and who does the palpitating?" Neither of them ever wanted to get into a discussion of who was in charge again.
They didn't ever really have to say it. They grinned at each other. They palpitated each other. At first, they palpitated separately. This made it easier to record the results. They both kept extensive notes on their twelve consecutive test trials in various scenarios both consecutively and simultaneously with their lab as a baseline, in the wind tunnel, in the Sub-basement during a Medieval Fight Club tournament, on the roof in the bioluminescent garden, and Lem's house while his mother was on a date.
When they handed their results in to Ted, he looked pained. Neither of them wanted this god among middle management to ever look pained at them. Not after the incident with the aardvark flavored jam that resulted in projectile vomiting in test subjects. Ted opened his mouth. They waited to hear what priceless pearls of wisdom would fall from his mouth.
No pearls of wisdom fell from his mouth. He didn't say anything.
Finally when he did speak, he said, "I think we can just count this one under the lesson's learned column. I've learned to pay closer attention to the subparagraphs on the Scopes I sign off on."
As they left, Lem was fairly depressed. "He didn't even look at the charts. I was particularly proud of the humorously shaped bar graphs."
Phil patted his back. "Those were some amazing charts."
They sighed in unison. They really had been some amazing charts.
~~~~~~~
Second of all, it should be understood that what happened was for the betterment of mankind. And womankind. And of those new genders that Veridian Dynamics hadn't yet completed its patent study on, but was investigating who had leaked the existence of on a major fan fiction archive site.
Also, the technical specifications for their project to improve the tensile strength in forandus, clearly stated that the project's primary objective was to improve the penile strength in fucking.
Phil really wasn't sure what a metal commonly used as a cheaper and more available substitute for vibranium had in common with fornication, but he was mostly concerned about whether or not he was up to the task. "I don't know if I'm up for this task. My wife, before she ran off with the man-eating ficus, always said that I was definitely not up for this task."
Lem slapped him across the face. Twice. "I'm sorry, but I had to do that for dramatic effect. You are absolutely the man for this job. I can't think of anyone better suited to tackling this task for science."
Phil felt better, but still he had his concerns. "But hasn't everything already been thought of for sex. After all, organisms have been perfecting the process since dimorphism developed."
Lem simply looked at him and pointed to the periodic table.
Phil shook his head ruefully. "Of course, everything can be improved with science."
It took them eleven exhaustive weeks and one abortive foray to a baboon preserve, but they accomplished their goal.
Ted was camping with his daughter that week, so they were forced to present their findings to the goddess of upper management science herself, Veronica Palmer.
She looked at their presentation. Everyone in the conference room stared in awe at the breadth and innovation of their research. "You morons actually thought Veridian Dynamics wanted to pay you to improve on sex." Veronica examined the screen currently projected on the wall. "That's interesting." She reached over and clicked Lem's laptop. "I like what you've done here. I'll have to field test some of this, of course."
Phil looked at Lem. He wasn't sure how he felt about this.
Veronica confiscated his laptop. "Please, we have Italian gigolos for this sort of thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, it should be understood that Veridian Dynamics really needed to have a shorter development lifecycle. Then people might actually read the design documents before they were handed over to research and development where they were researched and developed.
"Are you sure this is a project to design a pornographic feelioscope and not a holographic telescope?" Phil really hoped it was to build a pornographic feelioscope and not a holographic telescope, but even with the sudden turn in projects at Veridian Dynamics, he didn't want to make assumptions.
In any case, he greatly valued his longstanding partnership with Lem. Even before their recent foray into sexualology, they had always worked extremely well together. Now they had also had some fairly spectacular orgasms together as well. But that said, he wanted to be sure that he and Lem were on the same scientific wavelength.
He need not have concerned himself.
Lem called up some design specifications. "I've already fleshed out some preliminary ideas. However, I haven't quite worked out how the helmet will transfer the sensations to the cerebral cortex."
Phil leaned over Lem's shoulder. "Yes, I see the problem. Do we go with nanobots cycling nerve endings at 1000 kilocycles per second."
"Or do we pneumatically transmit gridley waves into the user's lymphatic system," finished Lem.
They both shrugged. That's why they went with both.
Best of all, and this made them incredibly proud, neither their experiments to palpitate the prick nor the pornographic feeliocope had applications that could kill. The experimental series on increasing penile strength in fucking did have military applications in subjects eighteen to twenty-one.
But as they lay together in bed snuggling, Phil sighed, "It's finally proof that we're not evil scientists."
Lem gave him a squeeze. "It really is."