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It was dark, damp and broken, the room "belonged" to Till at the rebellion's base.
They weren't allowed to have a fire to warm themselves up. All they had was shitty fluorescent lights that flickered every 20 seconds or so and annoyed the shit out of Till.
Mizi dotted over him endlessly, not allowing him to even leave the bed assigned to him. They did a good job of patching him up, and he was not in any immediate danger, but apparently he cut very close.
Which was funny, because Till thought he had died when he first woke up in this place.
Then he met Hyuna. He thought he saw her, out of the corner of his eye, at the stage, when he was struggling to stay awake, but in all honestly he thought he was just imagining things. When they met, Hyuna had told Till that she had no intention of getting him out and she was originally only there for data. That earned her a arm-smack from Mizi, a be nice! warning and some amount of weird respect from Till. He supposed he liked her honesty.
Sometimes, after he was cleared from the 7/24 bed-rest and he was allowed to walk around the base, he would see Mizi and Hyuna, talking in hushed voices. Sometimes about the missions, sometimes about things that did not matter, sometimes about far, far future dreams. Till was not blind, he could see how the two looked at each other. He knew what it meant. But this time it did not fill him with painful feelings as it did with Sua.
(Till wondered why)
Then there were Isaac and Dewey. Till didn't know them for long, but based off of his small stay, he has never seen the two apart. They seemed like good friends to Till, almost reminding him of himself and someone else — then one day when Isaac was tugging along to a mission with Hyuna and Dewey was staying behind, and as they were preparing to go out, Dewey strolled up to Isaac and kissed him square on the mouth.
And — oh. I see. Till thought. Based on how nobody else gave a reaction to this, he also gathered it was a known thing, as well. And, it was all fine, obviously! Till wasn't one to judge. He just did not know why it caused some kind of jealousy feeling in him.
Obviously there was other people in the rebellion base too. Some older, some younger, all with fire and hatred in their eyes. All scarred and lost way too much.
Till thought he could fit in easily.
✩✩✩
All things considered, it was luck, and Till knew it. (Even though Isaac and Dewey would swear up and down it was all calculated)
But the truth was, the heart-beat monitoring ear piece just fell out. He didn't know why, or when, exactly. Maybe when Luka was getting all close and tormenting him with images of Iv— people he lost? Or maybe when the bullet grazed his neck and he was on the verge of fainting, falling and falling, hitting his head hard on the cold surface of the stage?
He honestly did not know, and he did not notice, either.
Maybe he should give Hyuna more credit for her smarts.
No matter what happened, all Till knew was he was going to die. He failed. He had one chance, a stairway of people he lost and sacrificed, used as hopping stones to get him to this stage, against Luka — Somewhere he did not deserve to be.
Maybe it was foolish to believe he was going to win. If it was him against Luka, Till could see how the blond haired fucker lose, but alas, Till was given a victory he did not earned, and now he was here, bloodied, and dying, in the arms of Mizi, no less.
When he saw her, amongst the crowd of Segyein's, hooded but looking at him with impossibly golden, shiny eyes, and her short, pink hair (it suited her, Till thought, as he struggled to breathe) — Well. It was as if Till saw God itself, for a moment. It was all too much, he didn't even have a second to breathe after Round 6's mess before he was getting muzzled again and dragged off of Iv— ah, to the backstage.
There were hands roaming his body, pulling at his hair, changing his makeup, his clothes; and normally Till would fight everyone who would come 5 feet close to him, but right now he did not have any strength left in his body. All he could thing about was —
Sound and feel of rain on his body, the way he stopped singing, the way Ivan makes his way towards him, grabbing his head, pulling him into a kiss, then choking him. Till didn't know why, but he just... Closed his eyes. He was tired, he was so, so tired. But then Ivan's hands slipped from his neck and when he opened his eyes—
Luka did shitty things, Till thought. But he did not blame him, honestly. This was life or death. And yes, the fucker annoyed him. He played dirty, both with him and with Mizi. He had caused a lot of hurt, and he would not forgive him. But... If Till was in his place, wouldn't he have done the same?
He tried to take another deep breath, as much as his lungs allowed him, and looked up at Mizi's tearful eyes. Ah, I'm the one leaving her this time, he thought. She reached, gently, almost as if her slightest touch would hurt him more. She pulled back a strand of silver hair out of his eyes, then gently caressed his cheek.
In Anakt Garden, they was a rumor that when they died, their brains would stay awake for 7 minutes, playing fond memories, so you could die with a smile.
Till saw small memories of Anakt Garden. Till saw himself with Mizi, hiding from drones, aliens and alike. Till saw himself, running and play-fighting with Ivan. That time when they snuggled in a cake and throw a birthday party for Mizi. The singing practices. Him, drawing, then napping on the fake grass of the Garden.
Ah.
He really did not want to die.
But his eyes closed, and the last thing he felt was Mizi's tears drop, drop, dropping to his face.
Then the impossible happened, and Till opened his eyes.
In a different place. A dark, stuffy room. With Mizi sleeping in a chair beside him.
No Segyein in sight. No stage and no singing.
Free.
✩✩✩
Till was angry.
He thinks it's his default emotion. When his brain can't feel anything, he resorts to anger. Maybe because he had to be angry to survive, all those times in his childhood, beaten and almost dying.
No matter why, he was angry.
Angry at the world, the Segyein, the Alien Stage competition.
Angry at Mizi, at Hyuna, hell, even at Ivan!
It wasn't logical, and he knew it. Contrary to popular belief, he was not stupid. But knowing it's not logical did not make it go away, now, did it?
He lashed out at Mizi, something he carefully never did in their times in Anakt Garden. He lashed out at Hyuna, the most, blaming her for Ivan's death, after learning they were there but choose not to help.
(How weird was it, when Till learned they weren't planning to save him he did not feel a thing, but when he learned they could've saved Ivan, all he felt was raging hot anger)
He also avoided Isaac and Dewey. Nothing was wrong with them, per se, but they just reminded Till of too much of Ivan and himself, he supposed.
He knew he was being a dick, but he couldn't help it.
Mizi, being the smart and kind girl she is, though, saw through all the anger Till was sprouting and allowed him some time. She left him alone, with his thoughts, which wasn't what he wanted, but probably what he needed.
So, alone with himself, still injured and confined to bed rest, all he could was lay there and count the seconds.
And he realized, he was never given time to process his anger and thoughts, did he? Sure, he wrote a song about his love to Mizi and that needed some processing of thoughts and feelings, but other than that, he never did. Maybe he did his best to avoid it, as well. Maybe he was scared what he was going to find when he dug deep enough.
Anger was a coping mechanism, he found out. When Segyein beat him and pushed him down, his anger and fighting instincts drove him up.
But where did it come from? It must be a him thing, because Mizi, Sua or Ivan were never like that. They got angry, sure, but never like him. Never constantly.
Why was he so angry?
Segyein bought him, beat him, used him, and discarded when no longer useful or needed. He had some talent, and a love for music; this was used against him, forced to sing and watch the people he loved, grew up with die song after song. His crush was never going to be reciprocated, and his only friend in the world choose to sacrifice himself for him.
These things made him angry, sure, but it also filled him with something else — another feeling. Just like anger, it consumed him. Twisting his insides, turning him blind to any other thing.
But it wasn't another feeling, was it?
As he lay there, he slowly came to realize that.
It wasn't anger at all. Well, it was, but it was disguised as anger.
It was the way he mourned a good life, a happy life. It was the way he got sad as he sung now, how a thing he loved bring him so many bad memories. It was the loneliness of friends, of lovers, of people he cared.
It was not anger. Till was not angry at all.
It was grief.
✩✩✩
"So, Hyuna..." Till asked.
Mizi just made a small mhm sound to indicate she is actively listening to Till.
"You guys are... Close?"
Mizi nodded, not separating her eyes from the mission logs Hyuna gave her.
"Are you two a thing?"
That got Mizi's attention. She cast her eyes towards Till's, golden met green. Mizi hummed, a sound like thinking out loud. "I suppose something like that? We really haven't talked about it. You know, with all that is going on." she made a overall gesture with her hands towards the room they're in and the mission logs she was reading.
Till hummed in affirmation. He thought as much. He haven't been on the rebellion base long enough, but it was clear as day how the two looked at each other; how they treated, got worried and smiled at each other. Till felt a small frown tug at his lips.
"So, are you... Over her?" Till whispered. He felt like if he spoke any louder, if he said her name, it would spook Mizi.
"Sua, you mean?" Mizi wasn't as careful as Till. Till only barely managed to cover up his flinch, if Mizi noticed it, she didn't comment on it. He wasn't expecting the brashness of Mizi, he supposed. He nodded to Mizi's question, just the smallest of his head jerking up and down, barely noticeable.
Mizi hummed again. She took his eyes off of Till and started to look forward. He immediately wanted to backtrack, seeing a sliver of hurt in Mizi's golden, shiny eyes. As he went to open his mouth to apologize and tell her to forget about it though—
"No, I don't think so." Mizi said, whispering. "I don't think I'll ever be over her, you know? A part of me will always love her."
Till shouldn't ask more. He really, really shouldn't. It'll hurt Mizi, to talk about this, he thinks. But...
"Then how...?" he asks, against every cell of his brain telling him to shut up.
Mizi casts her eyes to Till's again. "It wasn't easy, that's for sure. None of it is. This whole... Thing." She makes that little gesture of hands again. "After losing Sua, and going up against Luka... And how he..." She trails off, but Till doesn't need her to finish, Till knows.
Mizi, like the god-sent person she is, understands how Till knows. "It was bad, when Hyuna first got me out. I would refuse to eat, my dreams— well, nightmares, I suppose, were filled of her. I would just... Lay there, crying, waiting for death to come to me so we could be reunited, maybe. Hyuna did her best to cheer me up, though. Keep me going. Isaac and Dewey too. There were small parties, celebrations of freedom and life. They kept taking me to those. At the time I thought Hyuna was just that — a very lively person."
She took a big breath in, "It happened over on a mission. Hyuna had dragged me with her, it was an easy mission, infiltrate a base, take data, get out. There were no aliens, just droids, so Hyuna thought she could handle it and I would get out of the bed, I think." Mizi absent-mindedly started to play with her new, short hair's ends. "I don't really know what set it off, but she saw something, and she froze. I recognized her eyes. I saw it in my own face, whenever I would look into a mirror, or watch my competition against Luka."
"I think that's when I realized that Hyuna's is just as broken as me. Any of us. She has her own demons and scars to deal with, and maybe she's just as terrified as the rest of us — but she's still fighting. I thought that... If I can't move on from things that happened — If I can't move on from Sua, then I can at least move forwards."
Mizi smiled, turning her gaze to the broken down walls of the room, their base, the human rebellion base. "It's honestly better with her by my side — with Isaac, Dewey, everyone at the base, with you by my side."
Silence stretched on between them. Till gulping as if it would make it easier to process her words.
Mizi turned towards him, a small smile dancing on her eyes, her lips. "Sorry, I rambled a bit, huh? You should be tired, you're still injured, after all. I'll let you rest." And with that, she gathered her things and left Till's room, leaving him alone, but not required to answer her.
Small mercies, Till thought as he laid back on his bed and closed his eyes.
✩✩✩
Ivan had asked Till to kiss one day, in Anakt Garden.
"Why don't we try that, too? Touching our lips." he had said. He pointed to his lips to emphasize his point, his little snaggletooth poking out.
Till had been grossed out, as far as he can remember. Why would people just mash their faces together? So they can taste the other person's saliva? Eugh, no thanks. He remembers making a disgusted face and saying hell no to Ivan.
"Everyone does it these days. Let's try it too," Ivan had whined. "I wanna try it!" he snuggled close to Till, he really had no concept of personal space.
In the end, Till had said something like I'll think about it when it's your birthday, knowing full well Ivan did not have one. It was cruel, maybe, but Till was always like that with Ivan. He had whined some more, bringing up the point Till was thinking of, and saying stuff like "You'll at least do it once, right? Right?" while getting up all in Till's space, rubbing his face on his cheek, like a god-damned overgrown puppy.
Till just wanted to go back to his song-writing, so he hummed an approval sound and started ignoring him.
And that was that for Till, he never thought of it again. But, now, as he laid awake at the rebellion base's cold, empty room, alone, he thought —
Did Ivan kiss him that day because he wanted to or because he knew Till did not?
✩✩✩
As his injuries healed and he was starting to become more and more active with the rebellion's plans (even though he was not cleared yet to join them on any missions), Till suddenly found out he had no idea what he was doing, all of his life.
Sure, he had a bad attitude towards Segyein's. Sure, he had fought and bit and screamed every time he was ordered to do something, refusing to go down without a fight, always getting punished and beaten up by result, but when it come down to it all, he didn't know why.
Was it just not in his nature to go down without fighting? Was it a small victory, in his head, if the aliens were tired of dealing with him?
He could have a pain-free, easy life. His guardian was an asshole who enjoyed causing suffering and hated Till's guts the moment it saw him, in all honesty, so Till doesn't think it would be a completely pain-free life, but maybe it could've been better than getting beaten up within an inch of his life, muzzled, collared up and put in an isolation room.
Maybe his life could've been life Ivan's? A life of high luxury, pampering and fame; all for the cost of being obedient. But no, it wasn't that simple, was it? Because Till had seen Ivan. As much as the prick used to get on his nerves, with his annoying request or constant bugging, he had seen Ivan.
Ivan's cold, black pits of eyes, devoid of any emotion. Ivan's picture perfect, maybe too perfect smile he flashed every time he was with anyone else but Till (If Till looked closely, he could see how the corners of his lips were a little too forced). How he could shape his persona, his speech pattern, his voice to please the other person, almost like he was desperate to be liked, to be loved.
Because Ivan thought he was something less than human. Something unfeeling, alien, broken. He had said himself so, once, when they were still at Anakt Garden. Till did not think much of it, at that time, just scoffed and said yes, you are a freak, but when he thinks about it now, Till gets what Ivan was trying to do.
Mizi's words echoed in his ears. She has her own demons and scars to deal with, and maybe she's just as terrified as the rest of us
Wasn't that just as true for Ivan as it was the rest of them? It was just a bit different in form. Hyuna was cheerful, rebellious — taking the form of a leader, saving others. Mizi had clung to Hyuna, moving forwards with her, accepting the things had happened and refusing to go down with them. Till had fought, screamed and got hurt, but he refused to be obedient.
And Ivan? Ivan had shut down, made people believe they could not get to him, that he did not have feelings to hurt.
Wasn't this all human? Wasn't Ivan just as feeling, just as scared and just as hurt, as the rest of them? But at some point, Ivan had made himself believe that. Till wanted to scoff at Ivan's face again, as he did when they were little. If he seriously believed that, then Ivan was stupider than Till thought.
Because Till had spent a lifetime with Ivan, whether he likes it or not. He has seen the way his face crumpled with annoyance and disgust whenever Segyein's backs were turned. He has seen the way he laughed, however odd situations (was Till punching him or him punching Till really that funny?) were. He knows the way he put his chin on Till's shoulder to watch him closely, no concept of personal space whatsoever as he cling to Till all the time. He knows he is kind, with how he kept finding Till whenever Urak had put him in bad situations, offered a warm and safe space, no questions asked. Kept him company, indulged in his weird activities, wanted things.
And Till had seen the way Ivan smiled when he was falling down, bloodied, but with a warm look in his eyes and a smile on his lips.
Ivan, who had made himself believe he was broken, unfeeling, not human; who wanted, yearned and sacrificed himself for Till.
Ivan, who was little, who was scared, but thought it would be better to make himself believe he was not.
Ivan, who have endured a life of solitude and have come through with a warm, beating heart.
Please, prove to us all what it means to be human.
✩✩✩
The first in in the rebellion base, Till dreamed of Ivan.
He dreamed the red sky, the falling stars. Him, and Ivan, small and still hopeful, laughing and hand-in-hand, running.
Running away.
Till, looking back at it now, never seen Ivan smile as brightly as that day.
But then Till had to be an idiot and pull back his hand from Ivan's. He glanced around, to the hard ground beneath their feet, to the shooting stars, to the alien city they had left behind — then he managed a glance at Ivan.
His confused, widen eyes. Open mouthed, not understanding Till.
And Till knew if he looked at Ivan for a second longer he would continue on running.
(And he couldn't. He can't. He doesn't deserve to run away, does he? Not when everyone else is still at the Garden, abused and forced to sing. It's not fair to them if he ran away)
✩✩✩
"What do you mean he might be alive?!" Till slammed his fist to the table, sending the things that were on it flying with the force of it.
"P-Please, calm down, Till. It's—" Mizi started, but Till turned to her and screamed at her. "Don't fucking tell me to calm down! How long have you known this?! Why did nobody tell me?!"
"This reaction of yours is exactly why we didn't tell you." Hyuna said, her voice cold and her gaze colder. She crossed her arms and towered over Till. "It's just a possibility, but, we think Ivan might be alive. Isaac have been looking through the videos again when he realized nothing of vital was hit when he was shot." she said.
"In fact, it was almost like they were trying not to kill him but bring him down, for a while." Isaac, who has been sitting on the floor, a laptop in front of him this whole time, spoke up. He turned the laptop around to face Till and all of a sudden his breath stopped.
He was back at that rainy stage, gunshots rang, and Ivan was falling down, down, —
Mizi's hand slipped into his and he gasped for breath. He saw Mizi looking concerned for him. He kind of felt bad he screamed at her. He knew she was not at fault. Till squeezed Mizi's hand once and pulled away, getting closer to Isaac and his laptop.
Isaac pointed to the screen, showing Till the places Ivan was shot. First one grazed his side, Ivan flinching violently but his face betraying nothing. Second was in the same place as the first, this time even more lightly grazing, not even a splat of blood coming out. The third was on his arm, close to his shoulder, and that must have been hurt, because Ivan almost toppled sideways.
Then he coughed blood. And Till felt faint, because suddenly he was face-to-face with Ivan again, and his stupid self-sacrificing smile —
After that, no more shots rang out. Ivan let go of Till, and let himself fall sideways.
That was where the video stopped, after a big, flashy Till Wins title. But that's where Till's nightmares began, anyways, so he could count the events one by one, without fail.
Isaac was explaining something. Something about how important Ivan's guardian had been, and how much money it had spent on Ivan. It, in hindsight, made sense when Isaac was explaining this way. How Ivan's guardian wouldn't want the money spent on Ivan to go to waste, and how the Alien Stage guards only had to subdue Ivan, then heal him, probably.
But Isaac does not know Till had stood in front of Ivan's unmoving body. He does not know how Ivan's blood seeped more and more, soaking the rain-covered floor of the stage, his pristine white shoes, his heart.
Till had to be dragged away from Ivan's body. He was completely soaked by the time Segyein guards came to get Till.
They did not even touch Ivan's body.
"No. There's no way. He's dead, I saw him." Till managed to say, in the end.
He heard Hyuna sigh. "There's something else. Tell him Isaac."
Isaac quirked a brow like are you sure? but then shrugged. "The data we got when we got you out? It was about the... Well, let's say experimentations they do on some of the contestants. Ivan's file was on there. It was... Not pretty, not gonna lie. But... One thing of importance was how each experimentation was dated. To the hour and the second. And the latest one is the same hour as your competition with Luka."
Till stopped breathing.
"You mean—" Till started but could not finish.
Hyuna took over. Putting a warm hand on his shoulder and clasping it. Grounding him. "Yes. We think Ivan is not dead, healed back to life by the Segyein. And probably kept under the arena somewhere."
"Let's go fucking get him out then?! What are we waiting for?" Till screamed again, turning towards Hyuna and yanking her hand off of his shoulder. Hyuna had the audacity to look sad for Till. "We can't. You need to understand, I can't risk everyone for one person who might be alive."
Till wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. Someone. But he took a deep breath —
"Send me then."
"What?" Mizi and Hyuna asked at the same time.
"You can't risk everyone for one person, right? Then risk one person for one person. Ivan is in that position because of me, anyway. It's only fair I get to go." Till said. Mizi clasped his hand tightly. Pleading golden eyes, full of sadness and fear looked at him.
Till quickly tore his gaze away from her.
Before Hyuna could say anything, Isaac interjected. "Why not send him? He's gonna go anyway, at least this way we can give him some supplies to ensure he would live a little longer" he said, with a wicked grin.
Hyuna sighed, defeated and full of acceptance. "Fine. We'll talk details tomorrow, dawn, sharp. Okay?"
Till nodded.
✩✩✩
Till's first week in rebellion base was full of nightmares, and hazy hallucinations. His wound throbbed and pain blossomed on his body.
He somewhat remembered awaking, trying to get out of bed, but failing miserably and falling onto the cold, hard floor of the room.
And suddenly his world was shifted to that fucking neon stage. The uncomfortable clothes on him, a green sleeveless tank top and baggy grey pants. The cuffs of his pants were red like it was seeped in blood. What a fucking joke, Till thought.
He was panting. He was warm, feverish even. There was some kind of drug in his system, he thinks. Segyein used to drug him up to make him more complaint, so it wouldn't be the first time. Was his nose bleeding? Oh. That wasn't good.
Suddenly Luka's hand were on him. Getting close, looking at him with the same expression he wore. Cold, unfeeling, black pits of eyes bore into him. Luka — Ivan — pressed closer, almost whispering in his ear. There was fingers — cold, cold, wrong! — pressing to his throat, and Till forgot how to breathe. Then the fingers traveler upwards, caressing his cheeks and pulling at his lower lip.
And it was Ivan, who is dead, died because of him, he's dead, he sacrificed himself, and Till is to blame—
"Till!"
Mizi's voice broke through the illusion. Till gasped, on the floor, laying down, pain blossoming onto his neck. Something dripped down his peripheral vision, and oh, he must have tore his stitches up because the wound on his neck was bleeding, —
Blood, on Ivan's face, on his lips, on the ground, seeping into Till's shoes—
He was vaguely aware Mizi was saying something. She helped him to get up, lay him on the bed again, took some supplies and started to clean his wound. She did not ask. He did not need to tell.
"Sorry. Had a nightmare." Till managed, voice hoarse and in pain. Did he scream, he wondered.
"It's all fine, we all have." Mizi whispered softly. "Want to talk about it? It helps."
Does it? Till thought. Oh well.
"I saw... The final round. Luka... and... Ivan" Till whispered his name like it was a spell that must not be broken. Mizi looked at him with pity.
Till had lived. He had escaped from that hell hole, from that nightmarish experience with Luka. He did not die.
But what doesn't kill you leaves disfiguring scars. What doesn't kill you fills you with paralyzing self-hatred. What doesn't kill you makes you afraid for the rest of your life.
What doesn't kill you might make you kill yourself.
Because there was so much Till regretted. Obviously, to err is human, but Till's mistakes hung over his head like a bloodied halo made out of his loved one's corpses. Till thought, it was one thing to scream and yell at Ivan, another to leave him when he promised to run away together, and a whole another to cause his death.
He also thought these would never happen if Ivan just ran away. If Till wasn't this much of a coward.
Would they make it, if Till did not turn back that day? Maybe find Hyuna's rebellion base, join them, get out Mizi and Sua too?
Or maybe if Till was a bit more smarter, Ivan wouldn't have to sacrifice himself to save him. Ivan wouldn't have died, and won the round, like he was meant to do. He would have gone against Luka, and won against him too. Would Ivan live a happy, long life?
How different would their relationship be, if Till never got angry at Ivan when they were kids? If he just talked to Ivan, not scream or punch him?
"I think I fucked up, Mizi." he said, in the end.
Mizi understood. Of course she understood, because she was a perfect being. She just smiled, softly, finishing her work on Till's neck wound. "I don't think he would have want to see you like this, you know?"
Till almost bit his tongue in anger. How dare she say such a thing? Does she not hear how stupid that sounds?! Of course Ivan wouldn't want to see him like this, but he can't, can he?! Because he was dead, and it was all Till's fault—
"Sorry, that's such an annoying thing to hear, right?" Mizi said, cutting Till's angry monologue in a sharp tone. "I used to think the same thing, whenever someone said that to me. Because that doesn't make the pain less, or change the way of your thinking. But... I think we need to hear it."
Mizi looked at him, dead in the eyes. "Because we can't keep blaming ourselves for the choices they made. In the end, this was just that. I did not ask Sua to sacrifice herself for me, nor you did Ivan. They choose to. And that's because they loved us, that much."
She laughed, a broken, little sound. "Now, is it selfish? Extremely so. I was so, so angry at Sua, at first. But then... I thought... If I was in her place, wouldn't I do the same? And If I saw Sua with how I was, would I not feel terrible?" she looked at Till. "Do you understand me?"
"He did love you, you know?" Till nodded. It took him so, so long, and the death of Ivan, but he finally understood. "In whatever manner it comes to be, love is never wrong, I think. Mizi smiled. "Especially between one who has so much of it to give, and one so desperately in need of it."
Till briefly wondered how did Mizi grown so much wiser in just a couple of months.
✩✩✩
The details Hyuna talked about was basically a more detailed explanation than he was given that day, arenas blueprints and patrol routes they mapped out, and a few useful gadgets for him to use.
Hyuna had said, clearly and final, that if Till was going to do this he was all on his own. If he got caught, they were not coming back for him. And if by a chance Ivan was actually alive, Till had to bring him back here himself. If he did manage that, then of course they could come back, but otherwise Till had to do everything himself.
So, this was, all in all, a suicide mission.
Till did not mind he was alone for this mission.
He thinks he can remember Sua saying something about God. How, as humanity, we forgot God. But belief in God was human, and all a human can do is to believe.
Till thinks he has no God. And he has no belief.
Those who have no Gods or kin to aid them must rely upon themselves, he thought.
Mizi was not happy with his choices. She had begged him to not go, but, in a way, Till knew she understood. If their roles were reversed, if Mizi had a chance to see Sua again, save her, Till knew she would take it. He thinks, deep down, Mizi knew it too. Maybe that's why she did not press harder.
Mizi and Till hugged a tight, soul-crushing goodbye on the day of Till's mission. And then he was off.
Getting to the arena was, surprisingly easy enough. For all the human pets walking around, doing biddings for their guardians, all Till had to do was wear a fake collar and blend in with the rest. He had not been outside much, as he was mostly kept as an entertainment pet for his guardian, then came the Garden and the arena, but he knew his way around. Slipping into the arena was, albeit, a bit more difficult than going around the city. There were a lot of drones, patrolling and looking for the slightest twitch of the wrong thing to shoot it down.
Isaac came in handy for that. He gave Till a small EMP, something that would make the arena lose power for a few minutes. Nothing major, lest they get suspicious, but enough to make Till slip into the deepest parts of the arena, unseen.
Now, these parts, Till was more familiar with. Even though when he was beaten and put into the isolation room he was usually giving a fight of losing consciousness, he still recognized some of the corridors and floors.
Hyuna had gave him the blueprints as well. Her and Isaac had looked at the data they got, combined it with the knowledge they had, and there was only so much room Ivan could be in. Till had gotten a look at the experiments Isaac was referencing to when they first talked, and he was right, they were not pretty. Especially what was done to Ivan made Till so, so fucking angry that he wanted to gun down every droid in this hellscape.
But no. He couldn't. He was here for a reason, for Ivan.
He checks rooms one by one. They were usually empty, Some of them had things that looked like medical supplies and beds. Till's stomach turned a bit when they saw those. The experiments, his mind supplied, the betrayer. But he couldn't dawdle on those, now.
An alarmed beep of a drone snaps him out of his thoughts — fuck, he dropped his guard. Till snapped his gaze back up to see a small, white droid with a black sensor and a red dot trailing on him. It's gonna shoot —
"If you falter, you die" Dewey had told him, when he was helping Till how to swing a blade so you don't pop out your shoulder or how to shoot a gun. And yes, Till had spent his life fighting back or punching things but that and this were a lot different, he found out.
Without wasting time, Till took out the blade Hyuna gave him. He had a gun from her, as well (courtesy of Mizi not wanting him to die and practically begging Hyuna to give Till more gear), but shooting a gun would bring much unwanted attention, he figured. It was a small drone, if Till just managed to slash it down forcefully enough, it should go down quietly —
He throw himself backwards to avoid the drones first shot of laser, aimed perfectly at where he was standing a mere second ago. He tried to carry out his momentum, shifting his weight to the other side and getting a running start, his blade aimed up, directly at the small drone. He jumped, put two of his hands on the blade's hilt, putting all of his force on the down swing, hoping it would take him out.
Before he could bring his blade down on the drone, it shot a beam of laser, grazing Till's side. He choked on a silent scream as his body burned with pain, but he managed to whack the drone hard enough for it's red dot to disappear completely. He kicked it away a few meters for good measure as well (and because it pissed him off, obviously).
He hissed as he brought up a hand on his injured side. It was a graze, small, but bleeding profusely. Shit, fuck, shit! He didn't have time for this!
Till left his side unattained, quickly going back to searching of rooms, for Ivan, again.
For Ivan, for Ivan. For. Ivan. He repeated in his head like a mantra.
The room was dark, so Till did not think anyone was in at first. But then he heard it, he quietest of breaths and the tiniest of whines. Till shone his little flashlight in the room to see better—
And then he saw Ivan.
Ivan who laid in the bed, in the middle of the room. Ivan who was cuffed, muzzled and tubes of wires sticking out of him. Ivan, restrained and subdued, sleeping with a furrow of his brows and his collar flashing red, red, red—
The image was so painfully familiar to Till. After all, he found himself like this in isolation room almost every week. But to see Ivan like this, it was wrong.
What did he do to get himself in this position, Till wondered. Had he fought back? Tried to escape? Till couldn't imagine Ivan doing that. Was he feeling helpless? Afraid? Was he confused as to why he didn't die?
Till quickly made his way into the room, leaving the door ajar after him so nobody would check inside just yet. He looked Ivan over. He was definitely breathing, however shallow and pained it sounded. The gunshot wounds were patched up, he noticed. There was a lot of bandages covering his body. He looked tired, complexion pale and eyes sunken.
Till gently caressed his hair, getting it out of his face. He fiddled with the cuffs that were binding Ivan to the bed, making quick work of them with the gadgets he had. He turned towards the muzzle and the collar Ivan had.
It was a funny, ironic thing. Till was the one usually collared up, unable to behave. Meanwhile Till has never seen Ivan wear a collar. In fact, it was Ivan who came to Till's rescue whenever he got too badly beaten up, opening his collar or muzzle for him, making him able to breathe easier.
Till knew how uncomfortable those things are and how hard they make breathing is. Segyein's are truly dumb, if they muzzled up an injured person, Till thought. But, well, they didn't really care, did they?
He fiddled with the lock of the muzzle, finding it trickier to open up than the cuffs. Ivan had always made it so effortless when he opened up Till's collar. Years of practice, his mind offered. Finally, the muzzle opened up with a small click sound. He did the same with the collar, very quickly, not wanting to lose any time. Immediately, Ivan's breathing evened out, he let out a soft hum. Till smiled, despite everything.
As he was working on getting the tubes and wires, Till looked up to Ivan's eyes half-open, looking at him with a puzzled gaze. "Ivan?" Till said softly, not wanting to startle the other.
Ivan's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Then Ivan's head slumps sideways, a pathetic whine leaving his throat. Drugged, Till immediately thinks. His insides burn with hot anger. Not now, he reminds himself.
"It's okay, Ivan. Don't worry. I'll get you out of here." Till gently murmurs to Ivan as he frees him.
Getting Ivan out will be the tricky part, Till thinks. It would really be better if he was awake and able to walk on his own, but alas, this is the situation Till is left with. He tries to half-carry the man, which is difficult given their height difference, but Till manages to get Ivan half onto his back and half slumped over himself, holding him tightly. It's painful, with the current state of his bleeding side, but he chooses to ignore that and push on.
There are more drones in the hallways, now. Patrolling in two's instead of one's and circling over the one Till took out, trying to understand. Stupid robots, Till thinks. He tries to mentally remember the blueprints he got, what would be the best way to go out.
Another whine rips from Ivan's throat. Till turns his head to look at him, his eyes are still half-lidded, but there's some clarity coming back to them. That's good, that's great. Till hushes Ivan, though, as much as he's happy that the man is coming to himself again, he doesn't want the droids to hear them.
As they're walking — well, as Till is walking and half-dragging Ivan — he gets more and more awake. "Till...?" he manages to voice out, his usual velvety voice hoarse as hell. Till winces slightly to the state of his voice, but flashes him a smile over his shoulder. "Yep. I'm here," he says, reassuringly.
"Where..." Ivan asks, then a coughing fit takes him. Till quickly stops and hides in one of the empty rooms. Sitting Ivan up against a wall, trying to help him breathe easier. Till curses as he sees blood come out of Ivan's mouth as coughs wreck his body. "Shit, fuck, shit." he murmurs curses as he takes out his waterskin and gives it to Ivan to drink. "Slowly," he warns Ivan as the man takes the water and drinks it like he has been in a desert for the past year.
Ivan softly chuckles after he drinks up and calms his breathing. "Such vulgar language," he whispers. And, well, wasn't it great that he still could joke? (Till had to remind himself he couldn't punch an injured person)
"We're still in the Arena. But we're gonna escape. For real this time." Till settles on saying, voice confident. A flurry of emotions pass Ivan's eyes. Confusion, hurt, anxiety... "I... Don't understand. I died, right? Why am I..."
Till almost couldn't hide his flinch when the word dead comes out of Ivan's own mouth. He clutches Ivan's white clothes, almost like a lifeline. "No. You're alive. You stupid, stupid bastard, you're alive and I'm gonna make sure you keep being alive." he promises.
Ivan's eyes widen for a second. Then he looks over Till. When his eyes gaze over Till's side, his breathing hitches. Those drugs must be strong, Till thinks. He does not usually show this much emotion.
"You're hurt." he says. Hands gently soothing over his grazed shit and blood seeping into it.
Till suppresses a flinch as Ivan's hands comes to contact with his injury. Fuck, it really hurt, for a graze. But they couldn't stop now, could they? When they were almost made it. "So are you." he says.
The silence stretches on between them. Things go unsaid, and wasn't that how Ivan and Till were, all of these years? They never openly talked about anything, did they? No, things always went unsaid between them, and Till sometimes thought it was the best like that, because they understood even though they didn't say it; but also it was because Ivan was too much of a coward to get rejected and Till was too oblivious to anything Ivan did concerning him.
They're close, with Ivan half-slumped, still drugged, and probably feeling like a truck hit him; Till is kneeling down in front of him, a steadying hand on his shoulder. Ivan's gaze shifts from Till's wound to his eyes, searching for something. They're close, almost feeling each other's breaths in their faces.
Maybe it wasn't good that things went unsaid between them. Till thought. Maybe Till was wrong, and they didn't understand each other, at all.
Ivan opens his mouth again —
Sounds of drones whizzing past them alerts Till. "We need to get going," he says. He takes Ivan's arm and wraps it around his shoulder, holding his weight as both of them half-drag, half-walk towards the entrance. It's easier, now, when Ivan is somewhat walking on his own. They make haste, now, as more and more drones start to patrol the area. They know something is up, they must know. So Till has to hurry and get Ivan out of here. Every so often they have to stop and hide from the drones in another room or a secluded corner, or for Ivan to catch his breath. Till can see blood starting to seep through the bandages he was covered with.
They're kind of on a time limit.
Surprisingly they make it out of the arena without being spotted. But the way Till came through, the busy marketplace of the city is too risky for them right now. When Till was alone, it was fine, he could just put on a fake collar and a hoodie. But now he had another person, a famous person with his face postered all around the city, who is supposed to be dead, on his back. So Till lead them to old and broken down alleyways. Less Segyein, even lesser drones, they only had to carefully and quietly make their way until they reach the city exit Till had come through.
And, God, they were so close to the exit when Till hears the alarmed beep of one of the drones. Shit, he thinks. He tugs Ivan closer, getting him more on his back. He then sprints towards the exit. He hears Ivan's yelling, trying to get his attention, squirming in his hold. "Till! Let me go! Just run away!" Ivan pleads. Till ignores him. Not this time, he thinks. I'm not gonna let you sacrifice yourself for me again. The alarms of one drone brings the other to their locations, there are too many, now. They run after them, and Till isn't fast enough. Not with the added weight on top of him. Not with his side bleeding profusely.
"Till, please!" he hears Ivan beg, and it sounds so wrong because Ivan never begs. Till risks a glance at the other man, over his shoulder. He has a desperate, scared look on his face. "Please," he pleads again. "I can't live without you." he whispers.
Till grits his teeth. How selfish, he thinks. "You only think of yourself, huh?!" he screams. "Sacrificing yourself for me, dying for me, but you're too coward to live for me?!"
His lungs burn. His side burn. His legs burn.
He's so fucking angry. Injured. And so, so tired.
"Please, Ivan, just, let me use the rest of my life to protect you, this time." Till yells, voice booming and final. He sees Ivan's eyes widen, like he wasn't expecting Till to care about him this way (and how fucking dare he, after all they went through?). Till ignores that for the time being. At least Ivan shuts up now.
Till does his best to run away, to hide. He ducks into another alleyway, this one even more broken down and dirty, they're really in the slums of the city now. But it works, and they manage to outrun the drones, as Till no longer hears the alarmed beeps on their trail. They need to be more careful now, as they're walking. At some point, Ivan is stable enough to walk on his own.
They hold hands. For safety, for stabilizing themselves, for making sure the other is still there.
As the city's exit comes to view, Till turns to Ivan. They look at each other, both of their lips quirk upwards slightly. Freedom, they both think. Freedom is right there. They start to walk faster, faster and faster, until they're breaking into a run. They run together. It's almost like that first time they ran away, hand in hand, running, a wild, unsure smile on their faces.
They're almost at the exit now. Just a bit more... And —
A sound of whzzz zips past them. And suddenly Till's world blossoms in pain. He opens his mouth to scream, but only a choked sound comes out.
His hand slips from Ivan's. Ah, I let go of him again, he thinks as Ivan turns to face him. Till's leg buckle, bloodied and a big hole on it, just beneath his calf, where a droid who spotted them shot him. Till goes down in pain, and Ivan goes down with him.
"Till!" he hears Ivan yell. He looks up to see him wearing such a painful look. He does not like it. It reminds him too much of Round 6.
They sprawl out in the hot, painful sandy cliffs of the outside of city. The drone who shot Till quickly shortens the distance between them.
Ivan is saying something. He must not have enough power to stand up, still. He fucked up, again.
Ivan is shaking him, but Till is so tired now. He feels woozy, from the blood loss perhaps? He really stretched himself to get to this point, only to be taken out and fail by a measly little drone?
He really wanted to save Ivan. He wanted to talk with him more. He wanted to... To —
"I'm sorry, Ivan..." he managed to get out.
And he closes his eyes to the Ivan's voice yelling his name.
✩✩✩
There was a time when Till liked Mizi.
How could he not? She was bright, cheerful, sunny, and so kind. Till did not see things like that a lot, being always beaten down, abused and forced to do things, Mizi was a nice surprise. It was easy to be drawn to her. Her side was warm, nice, safe.
But other than knowing he liked her, Till actually doesn't know Mizi very well.
Looking back on it, Till now knew that his feelings were less of a like and more of a puppy-love of a small kid who has never seen a good person before. Mizi was someone he idolized, someone he saw as a God, maybe.
Till believes Mizi also loves him, like a family. She's kind hearted like that, you see. She's taken one look at the beaten, bruised and angry Till and decided to protect him.
But —
If Mizi is someone Till idolized, then Ivan is someone he formed a deep attachment with.
Unlike Mizi, he did not make it easy. Ivan was a brash, hard to understand, and difficult. He poked and pushed Till's buttons a lot, settling to drawing any kind of attention from him. He followed Till around like a lost puppy, sometimes. Annoying him, toying with him, but never pushing too far.
It was weird with Ivan. Different. It was a mix of love and hate, Till supposed. But that was to be expected, right? After all, Ivan had closed off his emotions as a kid, and Till has seen scarce anything but hurt and pain.
To them, who had grown up in this world of aliens who hated and abused them, a word as vague and rare as love was not easy to say as hate, which both were far more familiar with.
But as much as they pushed and pulled each other, their feelings grew, as did they. They spent time together, played, fought, shared ideas, shared beds, meals and all the other things...
So, no, it was not love at first sight with Ivan and Till. Instead, a quiet curiosity was planted in their chest. As they grew, their feelings sunk beneath their bones and nurtured this deep-seated familiarity into a love so fierce, that neither would question what they had.
✩✩✩
It was weird how many times he thought he was going to die, how many times he thought yeah, this is it, and still woke up. It was almost becoming an habit.
But here he was, awake, alive, and staring at a ceiling he knew all to well. His dark, damp, broken room at the rebellion base.
He blinked a few times, not entirely sure if this is real. How likely was it that he hallucinated the whole thing?
A groan came from his side. A quick look proved that no, it was not a hallucination, or a dream. Because Ivan was right here. Slumped over his side, burrows furrowed in what looked to be a troublesome dream.
Till pressed his fingertip to Ivan's cheek.
Ivan, being the light sleeper that he is, fluttered his eyelashes immediately. He looked up, at Till, dazed and still kind-of sleepy. Then he blinked and any emotion on his face was gone. Instead, the Ivan he knew, the carefully crafted mask slip onto his features. "You're awake." he said.
Till nodded. "I'm awake. You're fine."
This time Ivan nodded. "I'm fine," he whispered, like it had a chance of not being true if spoken out loud.
Ivan stood up, breaking the spell between them. "I'll let the others know you're awake." he said, leaving before Till can say anything else.
He didn't really know what to say, anyway.
Turns out, despite Hyuna's cold words, she had a soft heart. After a while, even though she had told Till he would be alone no matter what on this mission, she got worried for him. That, combined with how much Mizi insisted, plus Isaac and Dewey kind of feeling anxious too, they went out and stationed a few ways away from the city gates, waiting for them. That was when Ivan and Till got out, got shot and fell.
As it was just one drone, they took care of it before it can call for reinforcements. Then they took care of Ivan and Till, bringing them back to the base, dressing their wounds and letting them sleep.
It was a good thing, too, because according to Mizi (who berated him endlessly while clinging to him and sobbing), Till's wounds were, again, not looking good. Maybe he had overestimated his capabilities.
Ivan was doing good too, again, according to Mizi. Too bad Till couldn't see for his own, as after Till woke up, the bastard seems to make avoiding Till his #1 priority.
Mizi told Till that Ivan had been on his bedside almost every second.
But now he was avoiding Till?
That was just how they went, though, didn't it? They had something, a moment, but now it was over, and it was time to go back to "normal". They would never talk about it, because they never did.
Wasn't that why they were in this mess in the first place, though?
Till thought, not this time. No, this time, they were going to talk.
He was not losing Ivan again.
✩✩✩
Ivan has a vivid memory of his childhood. Before his guardian adopted him, he was in a auction house. The Segyeins there would abuse the shit out of them, if they had misbehaved, offend a Segyein buyer, or even slightly do a mistake. Ivan had not cared much about any of it, honestly. He thinks even then he was an unfeeling, broken little thing. Barely human.
Ivan has one, clear as day, never-can-i-forget memory of his time in that auction house. It's because of a mistake he did, he can never remember the exact why of it, maybe the Segyeins just wanted to punish him, it doesn't matter.
One of them held him up by his shirt collar, dangling him off of the edge of the tall, tall building.
He should have been scared.
But all he could think about was how beautiful the stars were, so bright and so shiny, against the eternal dark sea of the sky.
First time Ivan sees Till, running past him, not even glancing at his direction, he felt the same. Till, who was running on fuels, shining oh, so brightly, just like the shooting stars in the sky of that day.
In Anakt Garden, Ivan learned more about the stars. He learned how shooting stars are just burning up, slowly but surely dying, but shining ever so brightly, until they eventually crash and burn. Unlike Mizi, who Till compared to sun, always bright, always shining, warm and kind; Ivan saw Till like a shooting star. As someone who was burning, at the expanse of others, at the expanse of himself, never knowing when to stop, until death.
Maybe that was why Ivan never got angry or blamed Till when he let go of his hand and returned.
Because of course Till turned back. Of course Till thought of others when he had the chance to escape. Of course Till returned back to the hellhole he was abused in, that he was going to die in, because Till is just so damn human, so like a dying, shooting star.
And isn't that why Ivan loves Till?
As Ivan watches the soft rise and fall of Till's chest, indicating that he's alive, alive, alive — He thinks he's not sure anymore.
In his mind, and in his heart, he knew Till deserved nothing less than someone who would love him with soft, gentle hands. Like Mizi and Sua. But could Ivan be that?
He tried to, honestly. He watched how Mizi interacted with Till, what made him blush, what made him like her. He tried to replicate the actions, he taught himself how to love like that, but it all failed as Till did not notice.
So Ivan tried a different tactic. Pushing Till's buttons, annoying him, getting him angry until he at least looks his way. Ivan was happy with the amount of attention he gets from Till, even though the attention was Till punching him square on the nose.
Was Ivan so broken beyond belief that he could not even love properly?
Ivan thought,
If Till is the burning, bright shooting star of his life; then Ivan is the eternal, dark, empty sky.
✩✩✩
"Finally found you." a voice came from the doorway and Ivan felt himself freeze up. Dewey, who was helping him with some of the mission logs from before, glanced between them. Then muttered something about Hyuna needing him and fucking dashed. Traitor.
"Should you be out of bed?" Ivan turned towards Till. His carefully crafted mask slipping on, his eyes unfeeling, not betraying anything, his smile picture perfect. He saw Till's eye twitch in anger. Ah, he always wore his heart on his sleeve,
"Why are you avoiding me?" Till asked, ignoring Ivan's attempts to steer the conversation.
Ivan's smile got a wicked upturn, something like a smug, sarcastic prick would wear. "Avoiding you? Why would I? Don't you think so highly of yourself, hm?"
That was when Till pushed himself from the doorway he was leaning on and took a step towards Ivan. Ivan had the half the mind to run away like Dewey, but then he saw how Till was staggering, and before he could even think, he was on Till, stabilizing him and helping him sit on one of the chairs.
"So you do care about me," Till said, out of breath and with a tint of pain in his voice.
And God.
Ivan was drowning.
He was drowning in this endless, dark sea that is himself, that is his feelings. Not even Till, who he saw as such a light, such a bright force, could light his way. He did not know how to feel, and he sure as hell never learned how to stop feeling.
Maybe that was why he was so overwhelmed with this love thing; not because he couldn't feel, but because he felt too much.
"Don't you hate me?" Ivan chokes out, almost against his will. That makes Till look at him. "Why would I hate you?"
Because I caused you pain. Because I annoyed you, every day, without fail. Because I went ahead and sacrificed myself for you. Because of me you got hurt. You had to return. You had to endure. You had to —
"Because—" he couldn't say any of it. "Because I love you."
Till is silent for a moment. And in that moment, Ivan is sure he is dying. His heart throbs, it hurts, burns and almost tries to get out of his own body. Funny, he had almost died, and it hurt less than this right here.
And then Till's hand is caressing his cheek, guiding his face to look at him.
"I know." Till whispers.
Something in Ivan breaks.
"I was angry, for a long time. For how you — no, how we treated each other. How we never talked. How I let go of you, that day. How... You sacrificed yourself for me." Till says, and Ivan waits, listens, with a hold breath. "I was angry, thought I was angry. But I realized... After talking to Mizi, and thinking — yes, thinking, Ivan, don't look at me like that — that I was... sad. I was grieving. And I missed you. And I — needed you."
"I know we don't talk about these things, we never have. But maybe that's why it's gotten so out of hand. Maybe we need to talk about it, from now on."
Ivan wraps his arms around Till, carefully, gently. Afraid of hurting him, afraid of breaking him. Afraid he's gonna wake up and Till will be gone.
"When did you get so wise?" he mumbles into Till's shirt.
Till chuckles warmly and holds Ivan close.
And they will talk about it. They are free now. Free from the singing, from aliens, from death, chasing them. They are free from burdens, from past mistakes, regrets and alike.
Do you love me? asks Ivan one day. I don't know. Till answers.
It's another thing to talk about. But it's okay. They can figure it out along the way.
They got all the time in the world now.
And they will be okay.