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Castiel was once a happy fledgling angel. He enjoyed playing with his brothers and sisters and basking in the glow of Heaven. He sang in the choir, worshiped his father, and learned all about the glory of the Heavenly host he would one day join as full-grown angel. He looked forward to the day that he could watch over the people of Earth and guard the kingdoms of his home.
Unfortunately for Castiel, this all changed when one day, he stumbled upon his big brother Raphael. Raphael was the least happy angel in heaven, and when Castiel tripped on his robes and fell against Raphael’s legs, the older angel turned his wrath upon the young fledgling. Castiel apologized for his clumsiness, but Raphael would not listen.
“But you are my brother,” Castiel reasoned innocently.
“What difference does that make?” Raphael laughed.
“It means you forgive me because you are my brother and you love me,” Castiel said, his eyes round and pleading. But Castiel’s big, blue eyes had no effect on his older brother, who laughed even louder and more harshly.
“I don’t love you!” Raphael cried. “That’s not how love works.” As Castiel’s eyes began to water with the hurt of betrayal, an unknown feeling in Heaven’s loving walls, Raphael tilted his head as a cruel smile spread across his face. “I think I shall teach you a lesson.”
With a wave of his hand, Castiel was transformed. He was shrunk much too small and every molecule of his being was changed into something else, something strange and new. His very being was warped until he was nothing but plastic and cloth, and hollow in the middle. He couldn’t move his arms or blink his eyes. He couldn't move anything at all. Unfortunately for Castiel, Raphael was not only the least happy angel in Heaven, he was also the most ironic, and had transformed him in to an angelic Christmas tree topper.
With a second wave of his hand, Castiel was sent to Earth. He was cursed to live his life on top of the pine trees, an impossible solution his only cure. He must be given the gift of love, freely and without restraint.
~
Castiel despaired for many years. He spent a few Christmases upon the trees, but many more within cardboard boxes and dank basements, so that he was not only cursed, but lonely. Raphael had been cruel in his curse and made him into a very unusual, if not ugly, tree topper. His wings and his halo were still visible, marking him as an angel, but his robes had been changed into a suit and trench coat. As a tree topper, he was neither graceful nor beautiful enough to grace a Christmas tree. The few times he had been taken out of storage had been when he was the only option available, or when he was being sold, passed on to new hands, only to be placed in storage yet again.
This went on for many years until Castiel ended up in the hands of a small church in Lawrence, Kansas. This small church was both humble and joyful, and they found his odd appearance endearing. Castiel supposed that if he was cursed to live life upon the top of pine trees, he could have found worse homes to take him in.
Castiel had nearly given up all hope of ever finding a savior when a young family entered the Church of Peace and the eldest boy’s eyes landed upon him on his tree. In an instant, Castiel knew he would be saved by this boy. There was an inexplicable connection to him that Castiel knew was the work of Fates, and Castiel knew the boy could sense it as well. He had nearly tripped upon his feet when he first saw the angel, and spent the entire sermon glancing at Castiel. To his amazement, Castiel could even feel the boy’s curiosity when he had never felt a human’s emotions before. With the family’s next few visits, the boy’s curiosity grew in to a sense of attachment. Now when the boy -Dean, Castiel had overheard- looked upon the angel, he felt some measure of peace and contentment.
When the holidays that year were over and Castiel dreaded being placed back in a box, a small miracle happened. On the day the decorations were taken down, Dean and his family arrived to help. Dean placed himself near Castiel’s tree, and soon, Castiel found himself in Dean’s hands for the first time. Their connection flared and Dean gasped lightly in shock at the feeling. He turned quickly to his mother and asked her if they could keep Castiel. His mother -Mary, Castiel recalled. He liked that name.- frowned and asked Dean if he liked the decoration that much. When Dean nodded, Mary’s face softened in to a smile as she approached the pastor to ask about the little angel tree topper, and before long, Castiel had a new home.
That first year, Castiel did go back in a box. But the following Christmas, Dean himself unpacked Castiel with a smile, and John placed him gently on his tree. As the days of the holidays went by and Castiel watched Dean and his family, he discovered a new type of happiness. Dean had a good soul. His brother, Sam, was but a fledgling himself, younger even, and Dean took care of him with such love and tenderness that it warmed Castiel’s heart through and through. It was love the likes of which he had never seen nor felt in heaven. It was pure and selfless and wrapped with so much warm happiness that the love of his own brothers and sisters seemed cold and lacking in comparison.
Dean was also a devoted son who idolized his father. This was something Castiel could relate to, and he admired the strength in Dean’s faith in his father. He loved his mother as well, and though Castiel could not relate to this quite as well, he admired it nonetheless. Dean was a loving person, and his soul was bright and pure.
Dean was not perfect, however. He could be stubborn, and when Dean was alone, Castiel could see his lack of faith, in both himself and in God. The first thing Dean had ever said to Castiel, before it became regular for Dean to sit by the tree and confide to Castiel as he basked unknowingly in their bond, was, “Why do I like you so much? I don’t even believe in God.” Dean shrugged afterwards and walked away, and for the first time, Castiel knew what it felt like, to truly feel empathy for another person.
Castiel would know that feeling again a few years later when he was taken out of storage a few months too early. Dean was incredibly sad and Castiel did not know why until John spoke. Mary had passed away suddenly, and the broken family was selling nearly all of their possessions and moving to a smaller home in a new state. When Dean removed Castiel from his box, a small, sad smile graced his lips before Castiel was slid inside his jacket. He would not be sold this day. He would not be sold any day.
Castiel was never put upon another Christmas tree, for which he was grateful. Instead, he was placed on Dean’s desk. Dean talked to him every day, about school and his brother, talked about how his dad was (not) coping with is mother’s death and Castiel knew his faith in his father was being sorely tested. He talked about how he wasn’t doing so well himself. He felt as if his childhood had been torn from him, and this was also something Castiel knew very well. He radiated sympathy and love Dean’s way across their bond, and Dean always seemed to feel a bit better after talking to his strange little tree topper. Castiel always felt a bit happier himself.
One day, Castiel realized that even if Dean did not love him, Castiel loved Dean. Raphael had been correct in a way: he had not known what love truly was until he loved Dean.
Shortly after this revelation, Castiel made another discovery. When Dean was in a deep slumber, Castiel watching over him from his place on the desk, he could slip in to Dean’s dreams.
The first time he appeared in Dean’s dreams, he wasn't even sure Dean was aware he was there. Dean was fishing on a dock by a big, beautiful lake, and Castiel had been content to stand beside him and watch the fish jump and listen to the birds sing. He was at peace, and it felt more real than anything he had felt in heaven. He supposed there was something ironic in that.
The second time he entered Dean’s dream, Dean was sitting on a beach, watching the tide come in. He seemed to seek a solace in his dreams that he couldn’t quite achieve in the waking world.
“Hello Dean,” Castiel had said then, surprised at the gruff sound of his own voice. It had been a long time since he’d been able to use it. Last he had heard the sound, it was that of a child’s.
Dean startled before looking over to Castiel. He studied Castiel for a long moment before he spoke. “You look like my angel,” he said.
“I suppose, in a way, I am your angel. I am the one that sits on your desk, watching over you, hoping you will break my curse.”
“Sure, that makes sense,” Dean said, and the sarcasm was only slightly detectable.
Castiel visited Dean many times after that. Sometimes they played together -it was through Dean’s dreams that Castiel first learned how to ride a bike and fish- and sometimes they just talked. Dean was smart and intelligent, and Castiel could bask in his company for an eternity. But no matter how many times Castiel insisted he was real, Dean either forgot when he awoke, or he merely didn’t believe Castiel. Since Dean remembered details Castiel had told him about his life as an angel, like how his favorite song in the choir was Holy Night or that Anna was his favorite sibling, Castiel supposed Dean simply didn’t believe him.
Still, their talks when Dean was awake grew in depth and intensity. Castiel knew things about Dean that no one else knew. He knew about how Dean loved science but thought he was too stupid to go to college (and that he was actually smart enough to go to any college he wanted, according to Sam), he knew that Dean had tried on lacy undergarments and liked it, and he knew that Dean considered himself bisexual. Castiel had been there through all of it, from Dean’s first realization that he was attracted to boys, to his rejection and panic, to his acceptance, to his decision to hide it from his father for as long as possible.
As Dean grew up and changed, so did their dream encounters. Slowly, they shifted to mean something more than mere companionship. Dean often reached for his hand, enjoying a sunset or the stars while stroking his thumb across the back of Castiel’s hand, and he often looked into Castiel’s eyes with a longing Castiel had never seen before. He knew with certainty, however, that his own eyes reflected the same. Still, Castiel would not have thought much of it, that there was anything but deep friendship behind it, had he not entered Dean’s dream to find himself already there, wrapped in Dean’s arms, kissing him and caressing him with passion. Even stranger, when Castiel accidentally gave himself a way with a squeak, his other self-disappeared immediately and Dean flushed red with embarrassment.
“Are you dreaming of me, Dean? Me, whom you consider to be a dream?”
Dean let out a frustrated sound and pounded the wall. “But you are a dream! I should have stopped this years ago. I must be craz-“
Castiel silenced Dean’s frustrations with a kiss, having quickly decided that what he had seen was definitely what he wanted as well. Whatever Dean’s protests were going to be, they died on Castiel’s soft, pink lips.
Dean’s inner torment did not cease after that. To Castiel’s dismay, it increased. Dean continued to insist that Castiel was not real, no matter how much Castiel tried to convince him otherwise. He denied that Castiel was cursed, denied that he could help. He denied the bond they had shared for so long. It was frustrating, but Castiel knew Dean so well by this point, that he knew Dean’s refusal to accept the truth was as much from a healthy sense of doubt as from a fear of what it would mean if Castiel were real. Their bond was so strong, so powerful, that it sometimes frightened Castiel too.
Then one day, Dean came home to say that for his 18th birthday, he would be going out with a boy named Benny from school. And he was going to kiss him and be with him until Castiel was but a distant memory, and Castiel would just have to deal with that, and he was not apologizing to some dorky looking angel ornament that Dean had been fixated on for far too long. Ignoring the pain and betrayal that was radiating at him from his angel, Dean dropped Castiel in the trashcan and stormed away.
Castiel was devastated. His hope was shattered. He loved Dean, he was certain Dean loved him too, but Dean would never accept this fact. Castiel would be cold and alone, left in storage until the end of time to dwell in his pain and rejection.
Hours of dwelling later, Castiel was suddenly pulled out of the trashcan and set on Dean’s desk rather more harshly than was necessary. Dean’s face was full of panic and he ran his hands through his hair several times before kneeling in font of Castiel, who had begun to join Dean in panic, seeing him in such a state.
“You can’t be real,” Dean tells him at eye level. “But I want you to be. I want you to be so bad. I couldn’t kiss him Cas. I just kept thinking about you. My angel. So please tell me I’m not completely insane. Tell me you’re real. Tell me you’ll love me still, if you are. Please Cas. Please be real. Please. I need you to be real. I love you so much, Cas. Please be real. Please.”
Dean was on the edge of tears when Castiel began to glow, so that he missed it at first. But as the glow burned brighter, Dean was pulled in by its beauty, and his heart was filled with wonder and awe. Dean was forced to step back and shield his eyes as Castiel’s light grew bigger and brighter, until suddenly, it was gone.
Dean was scared to look, scared of whom or what he would see. He remained hidden behind his arm until Castiel spoke.
“I told you I was real,” Castiel told him. “And of course I still love you.”
Dean slowly dropped his arm and settled his gaze upon the wonder before him. His heart filled with so much joy and love that it radiated so strongly across their bond that Castiel could no longer tell what was coming from whom.
And in that magnificent, glorious moment, Dean mutters, “You have wings,” and Castiel knows laughter for the first time in his life.
Then Dean’s lips are pressed to his, and Castiel knows what it is to love, and more importantly, what it is to be truly loved in return.
~
Castiel returns briefly to heaven, to thank Raphael for his lesson and say goodbye to his brothers and sisters. He finds that Raphael is just as cruel as always, and laughs at Castiel’s thanks. He had not even remembered that Castiel was gone. His brothers and sisters, however, welcomed him with open arms. They had missed him desperately, but had not known where he had gone. They were happy he was safe, and wished him joy with his life with Dean. Anna kissed his cheek gently and said she would miss him, but that she, too, was happy for him. It settled a part of Castiel he had not known was upset, to discover that his family had loved him after all, to the fullest extent they were capable of in heaven’s serene glow.
Castiel returned to Dean at peace with his heavenly life, eager to start his Earthly one with the man he loved.
The End