Chapter Text
It's cold.
Not the biting winds of winter cold, but rather the cold side of a pillow cold. Like the minty freshness of a breath mint. Soothing.
They're not quite sure where they are, seeing as all they can look at is an infinte void. It's not like when you close your eyes in a dark bedroom, no, it's a sea of black. They'd feel as if it were missing the stars if it didn't feel so complete already.
They feel floaty, actually. They'd liken it to being in a sensory deprivation tank if they didn't know they had never experienced such.
Actually... thats a good lead on where they might be.
They wriggle their form, trying to convince the non-existent water to lap at their body, but it feels more like the movement of a twisting and writhing wyrm. They can't feel their individual limbs, they can't feel the water, and theres no sound of ripples in their ears.
It's quiet. Too quiet if they're being honest. Eerie. The ever constant tinning of their various forms of tinnitus are gone, replaced with... nothing. They'd thought they would be able to hear their own heart over the silence, but truth be told, they can't even feel it pulsing through their veins. It's as if they're not even... living.
Ah.
Their mind is sluggish yet clear, nothing like the rampant running of their thoughts their adhd riddled brain is used to. They're grateful for it non the less as they dive deep into their memories.
It was raining that day, wasn't it? They had always enjoyed the rain. The lighting was perfect for their light sensitive eyes, the smell of petricore soft on their nose, and the water pelting the roof of their car was like music to their ears. A perfect day.
Although they worked the nightshift, they had left home in time to catch the last few hours of sunlight before the sun dipped below the horizon.
The last vestiges of food on their tongue, they remember dinner. It was one of their favorites. Their mother had lovingly prepared mac and cheese with tuna and peas. A simple dish, but a comfort no less.
Their birthday is coming up.
They smile at the thought, knowing that their parents will leap at the opportunity to bring their eldest out to a bar to celebrate their legalized ability to drink. Probably a place with karaoke, knowing their mother promised as such.
A large semi truck drives past them in the opposite direction. And their breath hitches as their thoughts take a turn they are not unfamiliar with.
It wouldn't hurt, they think. Both vehicles going 60 mph, it would surely be too quick to focus on the pain. And their little silver city car would stand no match against the tractor trailer, leaving the other driver unscathed...
Shit. They forgot to take their meds.
Another truck drives by.
They had forgotten to take their anti anxiety and depression meds before bed last night (or morning considering they sleep during the day), and just realized they forgot yet again before leaving for work. It's been a habit all week.
It's fine though, it will be fine. They've done this before, just gotta not focus on it.
They eye the next one that goes by.
Damn. They think. There must be a lot of stuff that needs shipping.
Another one.
...
It's just so tiring all the time, living. They don't even have proper friends, just some people they rarely talk to online when they occasionally pop in to say hi. Like some internet cryptid.
Another.
Their job, while it doesn't suck, isn't something they want to do all their life. Yet they lack motivation to go back to school or find a trade. Not to mention that would mean doing both at the same time.
They do their best to tear their eyes away from the next one. Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes and they'll be at work and they can just forget this.
Another goes by and they grip the wheel. They can feel their heart rate pick up. Their breaths coming swift and short. It's never gotton this bad before.
It would be quick. It would be painless. It would be guiltless.
That's not true! Something in them desperately screams. Your family! Your family would miss you! And yet their heart still felt light. They would get over it.
Another.
They hold back the sudden urge to twist the steering wheel towards the next incoming truck. It feels like slipping down a steep gravel mountain. Frantically clawing at rock and grabbing nothing but loose pebble.
Another.
Sweat drips down their brow. They are a confusing mix of incredibly terrified and oh so very calm.
Painless, they consider. And it resounds in their mind like a gong. Painless. Quick and painless.
Another.
They can feel more than hear as the next truck passes, kicking up dust and debris on the pavement. The vibration makes their stomach turn and their blood curdle.
They can make out the grill of the next one as they squeeze their eyes shut.
"I'm sorry," They whisper, though they're unsure if it's to the other driver, their family, or themself.
They jerk the wheel, and it all cuts out.
Ah.
They fully realize now what happened.
They're not actually sure if they have eyes right now, but they can still see the tears float away from them, glittering like stars.
Regret fills their heart. Their mind. Their body. Their soul.
There's so many things they never got to do. Got to see. Feel. Experience.
There were so many hobbies they had promised themself! Like learning to play guitar, or how to code! They had wanted to hown their lackluster archery skills from middle school! They had even gotten a proper bow for it! And they never went rollerblading again!
And love! They had never found proper romance, just fleeting feeling between strangers. Was it as lovely as they say?
It dosen't matter. They'll never find such a thing now. They'll never sew or game or chat again.
And, oh gods. Their breathless breath hitches again. Their family.
They'll never hug their father again. Craft with their mother. Play frisbee with their brother. They'll never learn from them again. And the three of them must be devastated.
And all for what? Cause they were tired of living?
They can feel eyes on them as sobs crawl from their throat. And yet they're still so silent.
A hum travels through the air that they can only feel. Ghostly hands cradle their form. Their floating tears splash against something and burst into a billion fragments.
And despite the silence, there's an offer. It can fix one of their problems but not the other.
They feel shame as they greedily accept it.
A chuckle, again without audio, and a smile that wasn't visible. Both imprint onto their soul. It isn't bothered by their impatience.
And then there's a pulse of sadness. An invisible frown as it regrets that the two's time together is limited. It has much to do.
They understand, they push back. And then they can feel themself falling.