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He was a fucking mess. He was such a mess and he didn’t really even want to fix it. He had been in bed for the past three days. His eyes were still red and puffy. They were sore as well, but he didn’t have any more tears to cry. He had already cried out everything he had in him. Broken harsh sobs into his pillow.
He hadn’t changed clothes in four days now. He was sure he smelled terrible. He had gotten home, changed out of his uniform, and flopped into his bed. He could feel his skin starting to sweat uncomfortably.
The taste of his own mouth was beginning to make him gag. He still didn’t get up. He just couldn’t. Everything hurt so badly, but he wasn’t wounded at all.
Dream curled farther in on himself with a sigh. He felt sick. He had already thrown up countless times. It was all before he got home, but he hadn’t eaten anything else to vomit out since. There was nothing in his stomach to get rid of. Maybe that was why he felt so sick after all.
George and Sapnap had tried to check on him countless times, but he had ignored every one of them. They had sat down on his bed and begged him to eat something. To shower. To do anything. He hadn’t listened. He hadn’t even acknowledged that they were speaking to him.
George had tried sleeping beside him for a night. Dream didn’t touch him. He didn’t even look at his boyfriend. He just kept his head buried in his blankets, tears continuing to fall despite the fact he thought they were dry. George hadn't pushed him at all. He tried speaking to him again when he woke up. Dream never slept. Dream had still ignored him.
George had gotten up and left him again. Sapnap had tried again an hour later. It didn’t help. Neither of them could fix him. It was too late now. He felt far too broken to ever be fixed again.
Dream distantly thought of all the work that was piling up back at the hero industry for him. All the files and paperwork that he would have to do when he went back. He would get in trouble if he didn’t get it done soon. The thought of it made anxiety swirl inside of his chest. Still, he made no move to get up. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it.
Everything was just too much for him. He felt like the entire world was weighing him into the floor, well into the bed.
Dream sighed, flipping his body over before shoving himself back into the pillows with a groan. He wrapped his blanket back around his head as tears recollected in his eyes. Fuck, he thought he had gotten rid of all of those already.
Dream pushed his head farther into his pillows, trying to hide the tears in it. Each breath he took was a silent sob in his throat. He had so much to be doing. He had so many people who were counting on him, and he couldn’t even get himself up.
Some fucking hero he was. He couldn’t even save the people closest to him. How was he supposed to save anyone?
A fresh wave of tears built up in his eyes at the thought, and he pushed back a sob, wiping his eyes. He hugged his blanket in his arms with a shudder.
There was a knock on the door. Dream ignored it. He didn’t want to deal with whatever Sapnap’s or George’s new plan to get him to move was. He didn’t want to hear the pity anymore.
There was another knock and when he didn’t answer again, the door was just opened. Dream huffed quietly, glad that he was facing away from the door. He heard a sigh that didn’t quite sound like either of his boyfriends. Footsteps made their way over to the bed and Dream felt the bed dip down beside him. Dream felt a hand be placed on his shoulder where the blankets were still pulled over. The hand began to rub back and forth softly, trying to comfort him. Dream resisted a groan.
“You can’t stay cooped up in here forever mate.”
There’s no way. There’s no way they Philza Minecrafted him. Dream wanted to cry all over again. Phil was an important hero. He was a very experienced hero and the league needed him. He didn’t have time to be in his apartment right now trying to fix whatever is wrong with him.
Dream hummed back, not wanting to ignore the older. He understood how wrong it was for him to ignore his boyfriends for so long, but at least they didn’t make the walk from their own house to this apartment. At least they didn’t have to take time out of their days to deal with him.
Phil continued to rub his shoulder softly. Dream distantly heard voices outside of the room and he wondered if Phil had brought anyone with him. Deciding to put whatever childish act this whole not speaking thing was behind, Dream decided to ask.
“Did you bring people?” His voice was completely wrecked. Scratchy and raspy from the lack of use and recent sobbing. He could feel the bed move as Philza shifted. Dream guessed he was looking back through the open door.
“My boys followed me, Tech, Tom, Tubbo,” Philza answered softly, “they’re worried about you. Also Sam and Bad wouldn’t let me leave without coming.”
Dream felt guilt flood through him again as he realized how many problems he was causing for people. They all were worried about him to the point they were taking off work. The league needed them. Gods, he was such a fuck up. He was ruining everything for everyone.
“You basically have everyone here worried about you, mate,” Philza chuckled, continuing the rubbing on Dream’s shoulder. Dream felt his heart tear a little more at the statement. A fresh wave of tears burned hot in his eyes and Dream blinked, sending them cascading down his cheeks.
“Not everyone,” he croaked out. He heard Philza pause beside him and sigh. It wasn’t only him that lost something. He was being so selfish. He was being so very selfish.
“We all miss her.”
Dream gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to do this right now. It was too soon. It was too early to confront the emotions that were keeping him to this bed. He just wanted to disappear into the world and never deal with any of it again.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t know what else to say. She would still be here without you. Something in his head screamed it at him. Dream’s breath caught slightly and he tried not to outwardly sob.
“It’s not your fault.”
Dream took a shaky breath. He pushed his body up for the first time in days. He met Philza’s eyes and instantly tears were streaming from him again. He couldn’t hold back the sob that came out this time.
“Oh kid.”
Philza moved forward and wrapped Dream in his arms. Dream sobbed into the older man, no longer finding it in himself to care. He couldn’t do this. Everything hurt so badly. Phil wrapped his arms around Dream tightly and rocked him back and forth. He shushed him lightly, but Dream couldn’t stop the sobs tearing from his throat.
The ‘kid’ that Philza said made him want to laugh. He wasn’t a kid. He didn’t feel like a kid. He had been through so fucking much in his time as a hero to be considered a kid anymore. He was broken. Yet, he was still young. He was only 21. Most people his age were still in college and finding jobs. Living like kids and finally enjoying freedom. Not him. He was here.
“Shhhh.”
All the noise in the other room had stopped. Dream couldn’t stop crying. Phil kept him held tight in his arms. He kept whispering to him that it would be okay. Dream didn’t think things would ever be okay again.
They would never be okay again. Not anymore.
_____________________
He was pretty sure his ribs were broken. He wasn’t prepared for this fight. He had thought that he could help this person. Change their mind about what they had been manipulated to think was right.
Dream had tried to help them. He had tried so hard to help them. The villain, Dream didn’t even know their name anymore, had begged him to help them. He said that the darker side in his head wouldn’t leave. That he wanted to be normal. That he needed help.
Dream should have killed him. He should have just killed him and let it be. He didn’t though. He had brought the man back to his adoptive moms house.
He knew it sounded ridiculous, but she was a physiatrist. If anyone could help him with this, it was going to be her.
Something that wasn’t very well known about him was his childhood. As a hero, he really didn’t need to talk about it much. He didn’t want to talk about it, so nobody made him. It was simple. As long as he and the league could keep his past hidden from the public, they would.
Truth was, he grew up in an extremely abusive household. His biological parents didn’t like that he was different. They thought he was dangerous with the things that he was able to create. They hated him from the moment he had shown signs of magic. His mother mentally hurt him. She would tell him that he was a mistake and that she wanted a normal child. That she wanted a kid that was perfect and he was ruining her hopes of a happy life. She told him that he was nothing more than a problem. That he was nothing to her. That she would get rid of him if he could. It hurt.
His father was much more physical with what he did. Punches, kicks, and whatever else would hurt him. Most of the bruises didn’t leave scars, but the mental scars were there. The mental scars never left him.
Dream had brought him to Puffy. They had tried to help him. Dream was stupid. He had tricked him. Blown up the building beneath both of them. He had told Puffy to run.
As he was fighting this man, his adoptive mother was running down the staircase of her apartment building. He was stronger than Dream, as much as he hated to admit it. He fought harder. He hurt him. Dream was bloody on the floor now. He had been slammed through the floor into the lobby. His chest was burning and he felt sick. His uniform was torn up and his head was pounding.
He tired to push himself up, but his arms slipped in the blood. He didn’t know if it was his anymore. It probably was.
None of his friends were here to help him because none of them knew. None of them knew he was doing this. They would have called him crazy. He wishes they did now.
Each breath he took sent sharp pains in his chest. Dream coughed slightly and he felt metallic flood into his mouth.
A weight was suddenly on his back again and Dream tried not to cry out as his face was slammed into the concrete floor below him. He felt a weight pushing down onto his back and speaking above him.
“That’s your problem Smiler!” It laughed with an evilness he hadn’t heard in many people, “morality.”
Another punch landed on the back of his head. Suddenly the weight was thrown off of him. Dream gasped trying to push himself up. He stood up on shaky limbs. He saw Puffy standing in front of him. She was screaming at the man. Dream tried to make out some of the words she was saying through the fog in his head.
“My son isn’t some monster! He’s a hero! He tried to fucking help you. Cause that’s who he is!”
Dream wished she would just run. That she would get out of here and just let him deal with it. He didn’t want her getting wrapped up in this because of him. Not anymore.
The villain screamed something back, shoving Puffy away onto the floor. Dream felt anger flood through his veins. The man was stalking back towards him and Dream tried to fight. He really did. He landed punch after punch on the man, but he never faltered. Dream took a couple hits back. He was fine. It was all fine until the man slashed out at his ribs with whatever sharp object he had in his hands.
Dream gasped, hand tucking over his side as he tried to focus in on his powers. The man cackled and punched his face to the side, leaving him on his knees. Dream gasped around the blood in his mouth.
“Trying to have it all!” The man laughed at him, punching his face to the side again, “too weak to take it.”
Dream spat out blood onto the floor, arms barely keeping himself up at this point. Dream felt the man behind him again. He couldn’t get his body to move anymore.
“You tried to help me,” the man growled into his ear, “now I’m gonna help you.”
Dream felt his hair being yanked back, forcing his head up. His eyes met Puffy. She was standing in front of them with a metal pipe in hand.
“Your morality comes from somewhere,” the man giggled into his ear, keeping his eyes on Puffy, on his mother, “you’ll thank me later.”
Dream gasped, trying to breathe.
“-puffy run.” He choked.
It was too late. The man had powers. He could move things with his mind. Telekinesis. He should have been able to take him. He should have won this fight. But here he was, bleeding and broken.
He was unable to move as the man threw something into the side of his mom. The weight threw her backwards and Dream yelled. She crumpled onto the floor. The man beside him threw him back to the floor, kicking his ribs hard before running away.
Dream couldn’t even move to try and catch him. The building around them was on fire from the earlier explosions. Dream pulled himself off the floor, grunting in pain. Everything hurt. It was all hurting so bad.
He limped, clutching his side, over to where he saw Puffy fall. He fell to his knees beside his mother. She was looking up at him with pained eyes, short breaths going in and out.
Dream looked around. The smoke was closing in around them. They were going to suffocate if they didn’t get out of here soon.
“We have to go, cmon mom,” Dream whispered, trying to urge her off the floor. Dream helped her back up to her feet. “Are you okay?” He asked.
They were both covered in soot and blood. Dream could feel his ribs grinding in his chest with every breath.
“I- I’m okay,” Puffy replied faintly, looking at him with wide eyes. Dream nodded his head, beginning to lead them out of the building. Puffy wasn’t moving behind him. Dream looked back and saw her breaths coming shorter.
“Puffy..?” Dream breathed out.
She began crumpling to the floor and instantly Dream was there to catch her before she hit the floor too hard.
“Hey, hey what’s going on? Are you okay?” Dream stuttered out, slightly panicking as her eyes weren’t focusing on him.
“-‘m kay, just need a break,” She stumbled over her words. Dream felt fear flood through his chest. He looked up, trying to see if there was anyone outside the building to help them.
“That’s okay, I’m right here,” Dream whispered. He pulled his mask off his head and looked down at his mother. She was looking back up at him with watery eyes. Her hand moved up to his face and Dream felt the blood that smeared onto him. His own eyes turned wet.
“Are you okay?” Dream asked again. He tried to help her back up, his hand moving over her back. He was met with warm hot liquid seeping through his gloves. His blood ran cold. He pulled his glove back. The shiny liquid reflected off of it, mocking his failure. He looked back up at Puffy.
“..mom?”
There was so much fear in his voice. He couldn’t breathe.
“It’s okay.” Puffy whispered. Dream shook his head at her, tears starting to fall faster.
“No no no no,” He gasped out, trying to press into the wound.
“It’s okay.”
“HELP!” Dream screamed it, his voice tearing. It echoed off the walls of the building.
Puffy’s hand brushed against his face again and Dream looked down. There was blood dripping from the corner of her mouth.
“It’s okay Dreamie.”
Dream shook his head again, gagging over all the words he wanted to say.
“Keep fighting like you do, duckling.”
Dream choked around a sob, continuing to shake his head.
“Never stop fighting like you do.”
Dream’s vision was blurred with tears. He gagged around another cry.
“mom?”
Puffy didn’t speak again.
“… mom!”
Her hand fell from his face.
Dream screamed. He buried his face into the chest of his mother. The warmth that used to bring him comfort and sing to him was now gone. It was replaced with the coldness of death.
His mothers dead body was beneath him and it was all his fault. He really was a curse. Dream sobbed, wrapping his arms around her trying to chase the warmth he lost. A mistake. She was gone. She was dead because of him.
Dream screamed again, burying his face farther into her. She couldn’t be gone. He wasn’t ready for her to leave him yet he wasn’t ready. He needed her still.
There were footsteps near the front of the building. Dream quickly pulled his mask back over his face looking up. There were policemen. They were pointing guns and flashlights out at him. Dream tried to hold back his cries.
The policemen slowly made their way farther into the building. Dream couldn’t get himself to move. He couldn’t force his body to stand. A flashlight passed over him.
“… Smiler?” One of the policemen said aloud. Dream still couldn’t get himself to move. He just hung his head, adrenaline finally wearing off and pain flooding through his body. He was covered in blood. Both his, and the blood of his mother.
The policemen got closer.
“I- I couldn’t save her.”
He wasn’t supposed to know her. He had to pretend like he didn’t know her. They couldn’t know he had any connections to her.
Although it went against the wants of every bone in his body, Dream stood up shakily. Seeing the state of him, police instantly called paramedics into the building.
Everything from then on passed in a blur. He was taken out of the building and was put into instant care by the hero league who had shown up just a little too late. People were worrying over him, but Dream couldn’t focus. Everything was wrong. It was all wrong.
The world felt like it was caving in around him.
A brutal attack by an unknown villain on a local apartment complex leaves hero “Smiler” with major injuries. Locals worry how long the hero will take to recover. Also in the attack, it has been reported that there was a single casualty. Puffy Sailor has been found dead on the main floor of the building. Wishes are being sent out to her family in response to this tragedy.
_____________
Dream was wrapped between George and Sapnap on the couch. Phil had gotten him to move from his spot on the bed. He was warm despite the shaking his body was still doing.
They were all on a couch together, watching some movie Dream had never heard of before. Techno, Tubbo, and Tommy were to the right of George. Sam, Philza, and Bad were to the left of Sapnap.
Dream felt safe for the first time in what felt like ages. The hole that was torn into his chest wasn’t gone. He could still feel it with every Holiday. He could feel it bleeding when he watched a little boy with his mother. It burned inside of him whenever the fight was brought back up.
The wounds that you couldn’t see were always the ones that took the longest to heal. He still hadn’t healed yet. His heart was still torn apart from the loss of his mother.
But with time, he would keep healing.
With the help of his friends and lovers, his heart would start to feel more whole again.
And even though every time he visits her in her grave, a small piece of his heart is chipped away again.
His ever sweet lovers made sure his heart would eventually, one day, feel full again.
No matter how long it took.