Chapter Text
The Other Side of the Coin
Lily Evans Potter sat at her desk, tucked into a cozy nook in a cottage in Godrick's Hollow. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt compelled to write a letter to an old friend. A friend that she hadn’t spoken to in years, but she thought of him every day. There were too many things left unsaid between them, and with her in hiding, and he at so high a risk, she could not let another day go without saying them. James had taken Harry out in the garden to fly on his toddler broom, so she should have time to give this letter the attention it deserved. She began.
31 October, 1981
Dear Sev,
Oh, it’s been far too long since I’ve wrote that. I’m so sorry it has taken this long for me to find the courage to write. I hope that you don’t hate me, if you do I expect you will tear this letter up before you even get this far. So, if you are still reading this, let me explain my motive in writing. It is evident that I, your former best friend, married a man who mistreated and bullied you.
Don’t stop reading yet! I wanted to explain myself, and I feel I owe you an apology. I’m not exactly sure were to start, I guess the apology is a good place. I am sorry I left you. I was not as good a friend as I thought I was. When you called me that word, I should have realized that it was a cry for help. I know you are far too proud to have actually asked, but I should have seen it. I let my feelings get in the way of our friendship and I will always regret that.
I want to tell you now, when I asked if you wanted to join You-Know-Who, and you did not reply, my heart broke that night. I thought that you cared about Him, and his pure-blood beliefs, more than you cared about me. I said those next words, about going on different paths, meaning them as an ultimatum. I think now, that you did not realize what I meant. I hoped that you would consider the path you were on, and would realize that it was leading us apart from each other, and you would decide to try to come back my way. Of course, I realize now that I should have communicated better, and I should have volunteered to meet you halfway. When I didn’t see you that summer, I realized that I had most likely lost you. That was when I truly realized my heart was broken. I loved you, Sev. I never realized it before then.
I tried my best to pull myself together when school started. It was so hard to see you, ignoring me and clinging to future Death Eaters! I thought it would be easier if I ignored you as well. But Alice had graduated the year before, and you remember I didn’t get along very well with the girls in my year. I was so lonely without you. Remus had been distant from the other Marauders around that time as well, I think he was upset at them after that stunt Sirius pulled involving you and the whomping willow.
Side note, I am so sorry I did not believe you about that. I must tell you that I only found out what really happened with that just a few months ago. Since that time, I have unfortunately heard many confessions from James, that had I known about would have in themselves been enough to stop our wedding from happening.
But to get back to my point, Remus and I were both lonely, so we started hanging out together. It took until the end of 6th year, but I finally stopped hurting as much. I let Remus convince me to ride in the same compartment with the Marauders at the end of that year.
Then of course James was made Head Boy, while I was made Head Girl. I admit, knowing what I know now, that he did not deserve the honor. I think Dumbledore was hoping he would keep him too busy with responsibilities to get into trouble, but I’m sure he found a way to fit plenty of trouble into his schedule. I however, naively thought that he was “reformed”, and make no mistake, he seemed much better. Now though, I know he was still bullying you. He just wasn’t getting caught, I guess. For what it is worth, I think he has realized that he was wrong. When I found out, I yelled at him for hours. I told him if he had just let you be you might have had a chance to have a life that wasn’t dependent on those Death Eater friends.
Anyway, I made what was probably the wrong decision to go out with him. I wanted to prove to myself that I could move on, and when he asked me out for the however-many time, I said yes. He told me that if I didn’t enjoy myself, he would leave me alone for good. So, I thought he would take me on a mediocre date to Hogsmeade, I would try to get over you, tell him I wasn’t interested, and that would be that. Then of course, he convinced me that to give him a proper shot, we should go on 3 dates before I made up my mind. The other girls in my dorm advised me that was a sensible thing. I didn’t hate him after all, so I agreed. By the 3rd date though, James announced to the world that we were a couple. Looking back, I should have realized he did that to get to you. He must have made sure you were standing right there, but I ignored the red flag. That is the last time you looked me in the eyes, wasn’t it?
Skipping ahead, James talked me into sex much the same way he convinced me to date him, by wearing me down. I’m sorry if this is painful, it is a huge part of this story. You see, I was feeling like things weren’t working out between James and I. I liked him, I thought I could even be happy to some extent with him. But I felt we were in different places in life. He thought life was all fun, games, and the war an adventure to fight “bad guys”. I was considering my future, a career after Hogwarts, and long-term repercussions of a war for the survival of those like me. I had planned on breaking up with him for quite some time, I was just not sure how to do it. Then in May, my parents died. I was devastated. I cried for hours; oh, I wish it had been you there with me! But it was James who comforted me. He took the opportunity in my grief and weakness to take advantage of me. In hindsight, this was at least the 3rd red flag, but I told myself that I was as much to blame as him.
I was too scared to break up with him then. I knew Petunia would not look out for me. She was engaged at the time, she planned on moving in with her fiancé, and he would never allow a “freak” under his roof. I wasn’t sure where I would go after graduation. Tuney claimed that Mom and Dad owed money and my share of our inheritance was only a few hundred pounds. Not to mention that I felt like breaking up with James then would make me seem like a slut. He asked me to move in with his family after school. I didn’t know what else to do. He promised that I could have my own room, and his parents would take care of us while we fought for the Order full time. I thought this would be a chance to get started with career training, so I agreed.
I expect you can figure out what happened after that. I was the fly, caught in James’s web. He had me right where he wanted me, under his control. You warned me about him, and I didn’t listen. Once I had moved in, he endeared me to his parents. He made it sound like we were already engaged. I never spoke up, his parents were so sweet, and they were letting me stay rent free, but also feeding me. I realize now I might as well have been selling myself, I felt obligated to get along with James.
First, he convinced me to wait a year to apply to the healer-training program, “because it was dangerous during the war”. I had no friends outside of the Order, and even then, only a few that weren’t his friends first. He proposed before summer was over, and I said no. I told him I didn’t want to get married so young, during a war. Frank and Alice got married, he proposed again. I reminded him they were a few years older than us, and finished with their career training, having been made official Aurors. He denies it to this day, but I swear that James must have slipped me a fertility potion after that. A few weeks later, I realized I was pregnant, in spite of taking precautions. Thus, I was officially caught.
And so, we were married. I decided to make the best of it. Since I didn’t know better, I thought that James at least on his part truly loved me, even if I was not as enthusiastic. I told myself that at least this way I wouldn’t be heart-broken again. I had heard you had taken the mark, and I completely gave up any idea of us ever repairing what we once had. I would make the best of married life. My poor in-laws passed away shortly after the wedding, and everything went down-hill from there.
It wasn’t long after James's parents died that Dumbledore approached us to tell us we needed to go into hiding. Before you go on your self-loathing guilt trip, I feel the need to tell you that I know already, and I forgive you. I begged Dumbledore to tell me how he learned we were in danger, and he told me the whole story. It isn’t your fault, Sev. If you didn’t overhear it and tell him, I’m sure he would have learned another way. The way it happened put you in the exact position you needed to be in to save us. I mean it, forgive yourself!
Things became quiet and settled for a short while. We had a few months until I was due, James was still going out on missions, having his adventures. We hoped that Harry would wait long enough to make his arrival to put us out of danger, but he had other ideas. And so, we made the decision to take the hiding up a notch. Dumbledore confirmed that you had told him that You-Know-Who was, in fact, more convinced now than ever that it was Harry who would be his downfall. We decided to go under the Fidelious charm. This meant though that James could no longer go on missions.
For a while he threw himself into fatherhood. He really does love Harry. But he soon became restless. He started picking fights with me, drinking until he passed out, and yelling at me. I should have paid attention to those red flags. Well, shortly before Harry’s Birthday I hit my breaking point. James had been drinking and I overheard him talking to Sirius in his two-way mirror. He mentioned the full-moon incident and a few other things. That is when I demanded he tell me everything. I told him if we ever make it out of hiding, I will divorce him. And I told him that if he ever yells at me or Harry again, or lifts a finger intending harm on either of us, I will take Harry and leave, fidelious and Dark Lord’s be damned!
He hasn’t drank in 3 months, so we are safe enough for now. I hope this war ends quickly though. I know things are broken between us, but I hope that after this war is over, we can try to be friends again. I will need friends that aren’t James's friends, they refuse to believe that he could ever do anything wrong.
Before I end this, I must beg a favor of you. I don’t deserve it; this is a huge favor to ask of you. If I don’t make it out of this war alive, I beg you to watch over Harry. Do not look at him as his father’s child, but mine. He must grow up to be better than his father, and Sirius and Remus will not do it. They think far too highly of James, and Sirius will spoil him. I will add a separate sheet to this letter making you a possible guardian along with the Longbottom’s. If someone else gets custody, I want you to still have joint guardianship to at least be involved in his life. That will at least keep Sirius from completely spoiling him.
I must end this here my friend, I promised to make Harry a small feast for Halloween. I hope we shall meet again soon,
Love Always,
Your Lily
Lily closed the letter and the hand-written will together and put them in her pocket. She would find a way to mail it tomorrow, Bathilda was good about passing mail for them. She went about her evening, not realizing the events that would take place in a few hours.
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Severus Snape knew when he apparated into the town square that he was the fidelious charm had fallen, he could see the cottage. He had figured out from clues Dumbledore had given him that the Potters were in Godric’s Hollow, but not the exact location. He had learned from Bellatrix that the Dark Lord was going after them tonight. He sent Dumbledore a message, then apparated straight there.
He was scarcely breathing as he cautiously went through the cottage door, praying to any deity he could think of that she was alive. James lay dead on the floor, didn’t even have his wand. Severus moved quickly up the stairs. He saw her then, laying in front of the crib. He was too late to save her. He held her, and let the tears fall. He heard crying behind him, but he was in shock and did not process it. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that before he heard a noise outside, a motorcycle. He snapped out of his shock, realizing he would have to hide or risk being caught in a position he couldn’t explain. He hid in the closet, hoping no one would cast a revealing charm.
He heard Black cry over James, wasn’t he the secret keeper? Black came upstairs and picked up the child. Severus, horrified, considered if he should stop him. Wouldn’t he take the child to the Dark Lord? Or just kill him. He decided to wait until Black went downstairs with the child, he could sneak up on him better that way. When Severus crept out though, he heard another voice, Hagrid. Hagrid would take the boy to Dumbledore; he was sure of that.
Hagrid and Black both left after that, he assumed Black would go on the run. He would hunt Black down later to exact his revenge, for now he would say good-bye to the woman he loved. He picked her head up to put in his lap, wishing with all his heart that she would hear him, and feel his love. A tear dripped down onto her face. “I’m sorry I failed you Lily,” he bent down to place a kiss on her brow.
Her eyes fluttered slightly. He gasped “Lily?” She didn’t respond, but she did move slightly. He checked her for a pulse, it was faint but there. He had an emergency portkey necklace Dumbledore had given him; it would take him directly to the headmaster’s office. St. Mungo’s would be the best option, but it may not be safe from Death Eaters. He put his port key necklace around Lily carefully, and wrapped his wrist inside it as well. He spoke the password “Pheonix fire”, and felt the familiar tug, landing in Dumbledore’s office.
“Help her! She is still alive!” Severus cried desperately. Dumbledore looked up with tears in his eyes, “Are you sure?” “Yes, she has a heartbeat!” Albus quickly summoned Fawkes over, “Do you think you can help, my friend?” Fawkes gave a cry, then shed a few tears onto Lily’s mouth. Severus opened her mouth enough that the tears fell in. “We will move her to the hospital wing now, Madame Pomfrey will monitor her.” Severus nodded. Dumbledore made to conjure a stretcher, but Severus had already picked Lily up to carry her. Albus decided that his young professor needed to feel useful so he didn’t say anything. They walked in silence to the hospital wing, Lily wasn’t moving, but she was breathing steadily. Severus took that as a good sign. They arrived at the hospital wing, and he noticed Madame Pomfrey bustling over a dark-haired toddler. He suddenly remembered that the Potter child had survived. As he laid Lily out on the hospital bed, he whispered in her ear, “You need to live for your son Lily, he needs you”. He gave her hand a squeeze, then moved back so Madame Pomfrey could work.
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A coma. Lily was in a coma. Madame Pomfrey had no idea how either Lily or Harry survived. Dumbledore said it was love. Severus loved Lily and because of that the Dark Lord gave her a choice to save herself. Lily sacrificed herself, thus protecting her son, and causing the Dark Lord’s killing curse to backfire. But how did Lily survive? Albus wasn’t sure, but he thought it was likely due to Severus love for her. Now they just had to wait and see when (or if) Lily would wake up. Severus looked down at the letter in his hand. Madame Pomfrey had found it in Lily’s pocket when she went to change her into a gown. He was shocked to find it was addressed to him. Now he just had to find the courage to read it.
Dumbledore was planning on taking the child to Petunia’s. Severus told him that Lily would not be happy with that choice, but Albus pointed out there was no other options. The boys Godfather had betrayed them, and already been caught and would likely spend the rest of his life in Azkaban. Unless the Potters had named other guardians the child must go to his closest kin, his aunt. Severus sighed, grabbing Lily’s hand once again. “Please wake up, Lils. I’ll read your letter, even though I’m fairly certain you will be yelling at me. I’m surprised it’s not a howler.”
Severus slowly opened the letter, hoping these would not be the last words he ever heard from his friend. His hand flew to his mouth in shock as he read. He had cried enough for his life time in the past 24 hours, but he could not stop more from falling as he read. He couldn’t believe she actually forgave him. When he finished reading the letter, he knew what he needed to do. He wiped his tears, kissed her forehead once more and spoke to his friend. “Sleep well, Lily. I believe you will recover one day. I will take care of Harry as if he was my own until you wake. You are free from James; he will never bother you again.” He went in search of Dumbledore, if he hurried, he could catch him before they left Harry with Tuney. He may have been a Death Eater, but with the letter he would push for full custody of Harry. He would not fail Lily again.