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Steve Rogers has been a lot of things in his short/long life, but a two faced son-of-a-bitch he was not and will not be, ever. Have some respect for his mother Sarah. Thank you very much.
Some people see him as a goody-two shoes too, how wrong they all are.
No.
What Steven Grant Rogers is though, is a liar.
He has lied plenty, more times than he can even remember.
Every time he arrived home with a new bruise forming on his cheeks and knees and blood between his knuckles, he cleaned himself as best as he could before his mom arrived from another shift at the hospital. He stayed holed up in his room until she was gone again anyways, trying to minimize the scolding that would arrive when she looked at him. He always said he was A-ok in those instances. “I’m only tired, Mom. It 's fine. I’ll start supper later, don’t worry”.
All the times Bucky asked if he was fine after a fight he said something cocky like “I had them on the ropes” or “I can take care of myself, you know? Jerk” He knew he actually, physically couldn’t. But that didn’t stop him from lying. And everytime after another pretty dame rejected him and Bucky checked up on him... those times, he also lied through his teeth. He actually wanted to cry. -I'm never enough, I'm never going to find someone for me, that loves me and only me- Every single time this happened, but he didn't broke. Couldn't let Bucky down, so he said he was just peachy.
When he was on death’s door and his mom actually wanted to let him do his last rites, he said it was nothing.
He lied more than what he was willing to admit, actually -Steve from New Jersey ring any bells?-
At first Steve lied to protect his mom, Bucky, even his own feelings.
Then he met Dr Erskine and he thought he could actually do good in the world. Be someone, be needed and proud of what he could do for others. To stop lying so much. To stop needing to lie.
But that wasn’t how it went though, was it? No.
At first he needed to lie for the war effort “You are necessary Rogers, you're doing good” Yeah right, being a dancing monkey, what a fucking joke, lying to people and presenting himself as the hero he would want to be. There were soldiers actually losing their lives and there he was, “punching Hitler” in a fucking spandex uniform that looked more fitted for a clown than a hero.
When he knew of Bucky’s status, well… he lied for good reasons and he had help. But after that…
People expected him to be the ideal man with a plan, The Captain America, he just faked a smile and performed how they wanted him to, every single time. He actually didn't know what he was doing for the most part. Sure he was a great strategist, but he started to learn everything on the way. Bullshiting his way into success basically.
Lie, after lie, fake-confident smile after fake-confident smile.
He was so tired of pretending now. At least he used to lie for better reasons before, and for himself and as himself. He was what they needed him to be now, and more times than not people didn’t need Steve.
And that didn’t change after seventy years.
Because no one seemed to see him after being defrosted either: Steven Grant Rogers, the person behind Captain America. No, they only saw what they wanted to see and expected to hear. And him? He wasn’t that.
That's why he didn’t try to be friends with his teammates after the New York incident.
“What are you doing Cap”
“Cap”
“Captain”
“Captain Rogers”
“Capsicle”
.
That's why he let them do those shitty “educational videos” for high schoolers. They were really stupid, but what could he do? He was once again a fucking dancing monkey without identity and without an out.
That's why he stayed alone for the most part.
-Nick Fury didn’t let him be either, what an asshole-
They needed him, they wanted him. But not really, right? Because Captain America is an ideal, a superhero.
It isn’t him really. Anyone deserving of the shield can be Cap after all, it isn’t something inherently Steve, that he can claim it as his own.
Steve Rogers is only a man after all, a really tired, lonely, and sad man out of time.
Who would need him?
That's why he tried to contact Peggy after he knew she was still alive -Not at first though. No he was scared- and have a somewhat relationship with her again. He didn’t care if it was based on “what if’s” at this point and that she was old. He needed something, someone from his past, anything that made him feel like Steven Grant Rogers, like a human being again. Maybe she would need him in some way? Maybe she could stop the emptiness in his heart?
Once he knew and saw she couldn’t even remember him for the most part, he went back to square one.
He didn’t blame her nor her sickness, that would be irrational after all. But he missed her, the old her. The strong independent woman that she was once. Sometimes, in the privacy of his mind he lamented the fact he didn’t give her the coordinates in time. Maybe he would have had a good life with her by his side. If he only loved her so…
Maybe he wouldn’t feel like dying in this new scary and terrifying lonely world every single day.
.
That's why he came back alive when he saw Bucky again.
Bucky was his home, his everything, always was, always will be, no questions asked. He never thought he would have another chance to be near him again and he would do anything to make Bucky remember.
So he once again became Steve Rogers. Once again he was a human being, sure he was still the facade, the ideal named Captain America, but it wasn’t just so. He once again got his will to be himself. Sure, before Buck he was friendly with Sam and he had a cordial relationship with Nat and Clint. But after knowing of Bucky’s continued existence in the present -he’s alive, he’s here- did he really become friends with them.
He fought tooth and nails for Bucky, because he wouldn’t let anyone tear them apart again. Not even the man himself would deter him from his self imposed mission. -No matter what Sam said about codependency and the harmful effects they had. What did he know anyways?- Not even Tony with the stupid and idiotic -unnecessary evil I tell you- accords would stop him.
When Buck wanted to stay in cryo for an undefined time…Steve wanted to scream and cry, shout right in his face. But didn’t, because he knew Bucky needed that, needed to make his own choices and for them to be respected. Needed Steve to respect him, to believe in him. So he did.
Once again he started to lie right in everyone’s faces. No one noticed right away, because he always tended to lie after all. He didn’t want to make his friends worry about him either, he was fine. Bucky was the one that needed all the attention and care possible, not him. Bucky needed him to be his rock, and he wanted that, of course he would do anything for him, so he did. So he was.
.
Then… The battle of Wakanda happened and…
That brought so many problems, old wounds and lies that had festered since the 30’ on Steve’s mind that he needed to stay away from Nat and the others. For some time, if he didn’t he would break and he couldn’t, not now.
Not after everything…
Never in a million years Steve would have thought he would lie to himself without knowing to this kind of level. But he did, and for literal ages until present time.
He was kind of impressed. Not in a good way, no. But impressed nonetheless.
See? Steve didn’t know he was in love and had been in love since forever with his best friend until he lost him for the sixth fucking time. He knew he loved him, sure, but not that he was in love with him. He didn’t realize, didn’t notice either. And sure… Now that wouldn't be a problem if only he was… they could, if Bucky…but even then he couldn’t admit it.
Not out loud nor on his own mind. He was terrified, out of his mind with guilt and sorrow and fear. So he replaced his name with Peggy’s when people talked and asked about the loved ones that he… lost, even in his mind he didn’t let Bucky be. Sam was a safer topic for him, as fucked up as that could sound. But even then he wouldn't admit he lost them -He didn’t, they’re not gone-
Peggy as a loved one was safer, more “normal”. Even if it left a bitter taste in his mouth to talk about her in that way. He didn’t even date her or knew her for long, for christ sake. But everyone and their mother knew he had a thing for her, so she was the only person he thought he could talk about. He knew people weren’t that homophobic anymore but… he wasn’t a regular Joe either, right? No. That would be a disaster.
Even if he didn’t keep the mantle of Captain America anymore, he was a public figure. And he couldn’t do that to Bucky, he was horrified of what he would think too. -Would you hate me? Would you be disgusted by me? I’m sorry, I’m sorry- He didn’t even want to think about Bucky that way in the first place. It feels disrespectful now.
So he started to lie to himself.
He had lied to everyone else for literal decades, what was lying to himself now?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
And well… talking about deluding himself and lying… he couldn’t let himself think that Bucky and Sam were… they weren’t! They could change things, they needed to bring them back. Bring him back.
-They’re not gone Tony. We can bring them back, We can-
So they planned, and they did everything they could and they succeeded, for the most part. Only at the cost of one of his best friends and people he cared about.
Steve was so happy once he knew he had Bucky with him again -he’s fine, he’s here, he’s alive-. But he couldn’t forget about what he now knew about himself. And couldn’t let himself be distracted by any of that anyway. After all there was a hole Nat and Tony left on his heart, on everyone's hearts and lives really -It isn’t fair- And Wanda wasn't stable anymore, he needed to fix that too -I can’t let her down, I can’t leave her alone, she would crumble under the pressure-.
He wanted to lie again, be comforting to Bucky, treasure him, reassure himself and stay, but he only seemed awkward and cold. He was uncomfortable with his own feelings and on his own skin, and didn’t know what to do to fix things with Buck.
-I love you, I'm in love with you, please forgive me, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to fix this. Fix myself. I can't see you as just a friend anymore. But I also can say anything because I’m terrified-.
.
So he once again fucked things up and tried to bring back Nat, Tony and Vision with him. Only… he didn’t discuss this with anyone else so he had no back up, nor help. No one knew of this plan of his after all. So he was on his own.
On a prison cell for what it seems. -For the crimes of creating new alternatives timelines apparently, huh. Who would have thought that fighting and talking with himself from 2012 would lead him here. Trying to bring back the others, plus Pietro didn’t help either-
This place was bare of anything recognizable to him, it was ugly and cold.
Impersonal.
So, he was a man out of time once again. -Because apparently that didn’t matter here, they even used the infinity stones as paper clips for fuck’s sake. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people-
Bucky probably hated him now, Sam too.
What a joke.
Everything was fucked up and he didn’t have the energy to laugh or cry anymore.
At least he knew Nat, Tony, Vision and Pietro were here too. They were pissed off, not necessarily at him. But you know? Who would be happy in a situation like this?
For what they told him a “Skrull” -What is even that?- replaced him and everyone bought it, even Bucky.
-And no, no no no... Bucky would notice, he would know-.
And would you believe it, he wasn’t the only fucker that was here too -besides his friends- huh. What a weird place this was.
So yes, Steve Rogers is a liar and a disaster…
and what a good companion that would be for Loki, the God of mischief, no?
So, they tried their best to escape that fucked up prison.
Together.