Chapter Text
Harry knocked on Gemma’s bedroom door at two in the morning, almost hoping she wouldn’t wake up. He ached with feelings he didn’t have words for and his eyes stung from crying miserably into his pillow, trying to shake the feeling that something’s been mixed up, that he’s wrong inside.
When Gemma flung her door open, sleep tshirt grumpily askew, she opened her mouth to tell Harry off only for him to burst into a fresh wave of tears.
“Oh H,” she murmured and bundled him into her room.
“Gems,” Harry sniffled, and she shushed him, herding him onto her bed to tuck her comforter in around him.
“Hold on a mo, I’ll be right back.” Harry barely had a chance to nod before she slipped out the door and down the hall. True to her word, Gemma was back in less than a minute with a pint of mint chocolate chip and a couple of spoons. Gemma entrusted her armful to Harry before she rolled up a towel to stuff up against the crack in the door. The last thing they needed was mum barging in asking what they were doing up so late on a school night.
Task accomplished, Gemma tucked herself into bed next to Harry and helped pop the top off the pint. “Now, what’s got you in a strop?”
Harry let his bite of ice cream melt in his mouth for a minute, trying to think of words to explain the feelings that had been slowly crushing him. He’d thought they’d go away eventually, hoped it was a phase, but six months later and they only seem to be getting more insistent.
“I just, I feel so mixed up sometimes, Gemma. Like, like I’m not being the real me. That I’m faking.”
Gemma sighed in relief and took another bite of her own, “I think that’s normal, H. I dunno if anyone’s got themselves figured out at 15. You’ve got plenty of ti-”
“Sometimes I feel like a girl,” Harry blurted and sucked in his breath sharply.
He tucked his head down to his chest, lip already wobbling dangerously as Gemma paused with her spoon halfway to her mouth.
“Hey, no, H,” Gemma took her bite quickly and set the spoon aside so she could squeeze Harry in a tight, one-armed hug and talk around her mouthful,”That’s okay. Like, do you always feel that way? Do you want to be a girl? Cause, that’d be okay, Harry, honest. Lot’s, well maybe not lots, but some people feel that way.”
Harry snuffled a bit and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. The last thing he needed was to cry into the ice cream. Tears and mint didn’t mix well.
“Yes, but also no. Like, sometimes I want it more than anything but sometimes I don’t and sometimes neither feels quite right and I know what trans is and I don’t think this is it, I just think something’s wrong , Gemma, why don’t I know who I am? ” Harry sobbed, breathing hard and clutching his spoon to his chest like a lifeline.
Gemma carefully set the pint of ice cream melting between them on her bedside table and pulled Harry into her chest, hushing him and petting his hair. “I dunno babe, I’m so sorry but I dunno,” Harry muffled a whimper into Gemma’s chest and she tightened her hold on him,”we’re gonna find out though, yeah? Here, google is our friend.”
Not letting go of her little brother, Gemma grabbed her laptop from the end of her bed and pushed it open with one hand.
“...Sugarscape, Gems?”
“Shut your mouth, Harold. ‘m doing you a favor,” she teased before softening and holding her pinky out to Harry, “Not gonna leave you to figure this out yourself, H. Together, yeah?”
Harry hooked his pinky through Gemma’s offered finger and smiled weakly, “ ‘course. Couldn’t do it without you.”
An hour, three forums, a half dozen google searches, and most of the pint of mint chocolate chip later, Harry rolled the new label around in his head, flexing his metaphorical toes against the identity to see if it pinched. The idea of being genderfluid had started out as something that had hardly seemed real. Now he couldn’t imagine not knowing what it meant.
“Is it nice to have a word for it?” Gemma asked as she leaned over to set her laptop on the floor.
“Kinda,” Harry conceded, hiding a yawn behind his hand, “Like, it’s nice to have a word for it but now that I have a word for it I’m not sure what to do next…”
Gemma laughed and tugged Harry down to lay next to her, leaning over him to flip the light off. They had three or four hours of sleep they could still catch before they had to be up for school. “I think you can do whatever you want, H. Not sure there’s a right way to do it. That’s the point of being a special snowflake, right? Being unique?”
“Heyyyy,” Harry whined, knowing Gemma would hear his pout even if she couldn’t see it. He bit his lip, worrying it back and forth before asking, “...what do you think Lou’s gonna say?”
It never occurred to him not to tell Louis. If there was an obvious next step, it was definitely sharing the new part of himself with his best friend. That didn’t mean Harry knew how Louis would take it.
Gemma grumped and turned over to punch her pillow into a more comfortable shape, “If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll say he doesn’t deserve to kiss the ground you walk on.”
“Gemma! ”
“Honestly, Harry, the boy thinks the sun shines out of your arse.” Harry stifled a sleepy giggle as Gemma continued, “I think you could murder someone and that wouldn’t change, H.”
Harry nodded and tucked his head close into Gemma’s neck. His stomach was still swooping lazily but the panic had passed and Gemma was running her fingers through his hair in a way that always put him to sleep.
He’d tell Louis tomorrow, he promised himself. Everything else could wait until then.