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Erik could admit that what he was doing wasn’t exactly the best way to go. But what he was focusing on was that it wasn’t the worst either. He knew that from experience.
In his years he had gotten used to pain and found comfort with it. It had started with Shaw. Sure, there was pain before then but most of it had been mental, emotional. Shaw was where his attachment to physical pain started.
There was something grounding about it. Something that brought him to life and made him feel. Seeing the blood, feeling the sting, the burn, it reminded him that he wasn’t dead, that his heart was beating. Sometimes it took that much for him to feel anything at all.
Staying at the school with Charles, teaching. It was fulfilling work, don’t get him wrong, he was with Charles, with his son, knew they were both safe, and got to spend more time with them than he ever had before. But he found himself on occasion missing the pain and danger he had become addicted to. And it was the danger too, the adrenaline rush, the chance of things going wrong.
Part of him wondered if Charles knew that about him. He was always complaining about Erik’s way of doing things but maybe if he knew the truth behind his actions he would feel differently about them. Not that Erik thought it would be a positive difference, but it would change things, he was sure.
Still, the second the chance came up for Erik to do something stupid, he was jumping at it. A mission that would take him away from the mansion for a few days—not the best thing—but he would get to help his people and even bring more young mutants back to the school. Not to mention he would be getting what he had been craving for weeks now.
It had taken too much self-control not to do something stupid the way he had been wanting to. It would’ve been all too easy to start a fight with one of the X-Men who didn’t like him to start with, play down his powers, and let them go at him. Or have a little accident doing some of the DIY projects around the school that Charles had him working on. At that point, he’d had to put down the metal saw he was using because there was no way anyone would believe he lost control of something like that.
So that was how he found himself returning to the mansion looking like he had been back in a war. The others who had gone with him looked in much better shape than he did but that was simply because they were being careful and Erik had done most of the fighting himself.
Walking into the school again, covered in blood probably wasn’t ideal but he didn’t care too much. His body ached, with every movement he could feel the pull of cuts and scrapes under his costume. The feeling of the bruises that had formed since the battle. There was a pain in his ribs and Erik was sure one was at least cracked, maybe two or three.
“Erik, what the hell?” Charles asked and Erik hadn’t even seen him sitting there among the students. When he met his eyes he saw how wide Charles’s were.
“Don’t worry about it, Schatz,” Erik replied, “I’m going to take a shower.” And, with that, he started to walk off and leave Charles behind with the children and the X-Men who were being interviewed about their latest mission. Let Peter take the credit, Erik would happily give that to his boy.
But Charles was right behind him and Erik could feel him approaching. That was the only reason he stepped into the elevator instead of going for the stairs. Charles rolled in right next to him.
On the ride, neither of them spoke or even looked at each other. There was a conversation coming and Erik was sure it was one he didn’t want to have a part of.
Silently, they made their way down the hall and into their bedroom. Erik got into the bathroom and stripped down, tossing his costume to the corner. He’d deal with that later.
“Erik, are we going to talk about this, or not?” Charles asked, his eyes moving over Erik’s body, taking inventory of his injuries, but Erik made himself smirk at his partner.
“See something you like, Liebling?” He asked, trying to sound light and teasing about it but he knew this wasn’t the time or the place. He also knew he wasn’t wanting to talk about anything deep or emotional but Charles didn’t seem to care.
“You went on a mission with seven other people,” Charles stated and Erik sighed, knowing there was no way around this. “And you come back, covered in blood while the rest of them look in—more or less—the same condition they left in. What’s going on, love?”
“It’s not my blood,” Erik said, helpfully, but as he looked down over himself, he was a little less sure. “Okay, it wasn’t all my blood. Some of it may have been.” There were a few more cuts than he had known about and some of them deeper than he had realized.
“We’re going to get those cleaned up. Start the water, I’m taking care of you,” Charles stated and Erik was always conflicted when it came to this. If the positions were reversed, he would want to do the same for Charles. But when he had worked so hard to feel the pain he desperately wanted he wasn’t sure about having it all cleaned and bandaged. It just didn’t feel right to have someone care for him when he hadn’t cared so much for himself.
Nevertheless, he was always one to follow a direct command from Charles and so, he did what he was told. He turned the water on to his preferred temperature and then turned back to look at Charles again.
“Now tell me about this, darling,” Charles said, his voice softer than before but still a demand in his voice that had Erik sighing softly. There was no way to talk about this that would end well, he was sure.
“I get…restless,” Erik said, choosing his words carefully, “When I’m not doing things like going on missions. I love being here with you and Peter and everything. I’m not looking to leave. But…it’s like my skin starts itching, there’s a deep craving.”
A look of confusion was on Charles’s face, one that showed he didn’t understand what Erik was talking about. “A craving to do something stupid and get yourself hurt?” The way he said it made it sound like that wasn’t even a possibility, like he was joking about what Erik was talking about.
Simply looking at Charles, with an honest, serious look on his face, Erik gave a nod, “Yes.”
“Erik?” Charles asked and Erik knew there was weight to the question. One that wasn’t even asked and there were only so many ways to go about answering it.
After a brief pause, Erik answered, “Since I was young, since Shaw, I’ve found comfort in pain. Sometimes…I…I just need it. It’s an overwhelming feeling, a need to feel it again. I want to start clawing at my skin, I want to slam my fists into walls, or start sawing into my arm, shoot a nail into my leg,” He paused, carefully not looking at Charles.
“It takes all of my control to not do something like that. So, when a mission comes along and I can put that to use, I’m going to take it,” Erik replied, deciding that honestly was the best way to go. No matter how much he wanted to scream and run away. That wouldn’t go well, especially with his injuries and the fact that he’s standing in the middle of their bathroom fully naked.
Charles looked at Erik, as though he was analyzing him, debating on the best thing to say. “And you haven’t been…dealing with this yourself? I mean have you been…”
“Hurting myself when I want to feel pain?” Erik asked, “No. I’ve been waiting for someone to offer up a chance to do something like this—“ He gestured to himself, “—and I made it count. Think about it this way, we brought back the other mutants, we saved them and now all of your X-Men are safe and sound too. It was a win-win situation.”
The look on Charles’s face was one of astonishment, shock, and something that Erik wanted to call disgust but really hoped he was wrong.
“Yes, the students and children may be safe,” Charles said, slowly, as though talking to a child who didn’t understand, “but my partner is standing in front of me, covered in blood, bruises, cut to pieces— God —Erik. I swear sometimes it’s like you don’t understand how much you, yes you , mean to me. I don’t just want them safe, I want you safe too. Every time you leave, either with them or on your own, I wonder if it’s going to be the last time I see you. Or if the next time I do see you, you’ll be in a box. You’re reckless, you’re an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that you’re loved. So much. You’re such a fucking idiot.”
“Tell me how you really feel, Charles,” Erik said, rather deadpan for how Charles was talking to him.
The look on Charles’s face changed from one of incredulity to something softer. “I love you, Erik. So much. I always have and I don’t understand how I can make you believe that.”
“I know that,” Erik answered honestly, “Logically I do. I’m not doing this because of you or anything, it's just something I…” He sighed, not knowing how to explain.
“I get it,” Charles said, “I really do. It’s not the same, but I think it’s similar enough to how I am with a drink. You’re just fine until you’re not. Something comes along and you think a little won’t hurt and the next thing you know the bottle is empty or you…have a nail in your leg, apparently. I just needed you to know the kids aren’t the only ones I’m worried about. That what you did wasn’t a win-win situation. There was a downside, you got hurt. Now, get in the water before you run the bath over.”
Erik nodded and did as he was told, turning the water off as he settled in, hissing at the stinging cuts but it was something he reveled in. His eyes closed, and his mouth parted as he relaxed back in the water.
When he opened his eyes again, Charles was looking at him as though there was something on his mind. He was thinking about something, calculating and Erik was curious about it. He quirked an eyebrow, watching him.
“You really like pain,” Charles whispered and Erik nodded a little, amused by the way Charles was starting to…accept it?
“Maybe there’s something else we can do the next time you feel the need to be hurt. Come to me and we can…experiment, if you will. In a controlled way. Maybe I can give you what you need.”
A smirk formed on Erik’s face as he relaxed into the water again, “Kinky,” He whispered in a playful tone. He didn’t need his eyes open to know Charles was blushing.
“Shut up,” Charles said as he moved himself onto the floor by the bath. With a cloth and soap in hand, he started to wash Erik down, the touches as gentle and caring as he could manage. With each touch, each careful wipe, a little more of the tension bled from Erik into the water, along with the actual blood and grim that had been clinging to his skin.
Maybe he should’ve talked to Charles about all of this much sooner.