Chapter Text
Apocalypse, 2019.
A tattered, stereotypical magazine floated down onto the ground. He recognised the font and the colours as one of those pop-culture magazines, making up facts and figures to impress their readers and persuade them to buy whatever hot item they sponsored in that issue.
There was something different about this magazine after closer inspection. An umbrella, the same umbrella forced into their young skin by their adoptive father.
He flipped through the pages, looking for the article.
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A beginner’s guide to the Umbrella Academy! The members of the Umbrella Academy have a pretty whacky backstory, filled with love, death, and absences. We can try to break it down for you, but even this reporter gets confused sometimes! As always, thank you for reading Vector Magazine, your go-to scoop for the weird and wonderful figures of today.
Sir Reginald Hargreeves adopted a total of 8 children in his lifetime, all but one possessing extraordinary powers.
Number 1
Number 1, known as Luther, possesses super strength. He is still an active member of the Umbrella Academy, although now resides on the MOON! Luther has been collecting important scientific evidence of moon particles for the last 3 years to help Sir Hargreeves make astronomical (get it?) advancements in gravity. We believe Luther may have been adopted from Sweden!
Number 2
Number 2, known as Diego, possesses what we believe to be trajectory manipulation, reserved for knives. Diego left the Academy at age 17, where he tried to make a career out of the police force before falling victim to his own vigilantism. Now, Diego’s whereabouts are largely unknown, however, if there’s ever any live news of a crime, our favourite spandex-clad, knife-wielding vigilante will be there. We believe Diego may have been adopted from Mexico!
Number 3
Number 3, known as Allison, can manipulate any person into doing whatever she wants through vocalism. All she has to do is simply say “I heard a rumour”, and you’re putty in her hands! Allison left the academy around age 18 after landing her first breakout role in Spielberg’s Paws as Brooke Landgrab. Nowadays, Allison is a household name and a Red Carpet frequent. She has a daughter with her ex-husband, Patrick Contra. Although the reason for the recent divorce is unknown, this journalist suspects not everything was glitz and glam at home. We believe Allison may have been adopted right here, in the US of A!
Number 4
Number 4, known as Klaus, can commune with the dead. Klaus left the academy formally at 18, however was kicked out multiple times in his late teens. Klaus’s whereabouts can be linked to any rave or rehabilitation centre. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out. We at Vector Magazine care greatly about your health and well-being. We believe that Klaus may have been adopted from USA, just like Allison!
Number 5
Number 5, simply called that, has the ability to travel through space in what has been called “blinks”. Number 5 went missing on the 11th of November 2002. We hold him in our hearts. His disappearance has been a mystery for all fans of the Umbrella Academy; however, we have been assured by Sir Hargreeves himself that Number 5 is not dead. Sir Hargreeves refused to comment further on the matter. We believe Number 5 may have been adopted from Ireland.
Number 6
Number 6, known as Ben, has elusive powers we are unsure how to describe. In an interview with Allison Hargreeves, she stated that Ben’s powers were “a portal to another dimension in his abdomen”, and if that isn’t Lovecraftian horror, we don’t know what is! Ben died on the 14th of October, 2006. We hold him in our hearts. The death of Ben caused the unravelling of the Umbrella Academy, with Diego and Viktor shortly leaving after and Klaus’s first public overdose. We believe Ben may have been adopted from South Korea.
Number 7
Number 7, known as Viktor, possesses no special abilities or powers. Viktor was, in fact, hidden from the public until Number 8 was announced, and we had to question where Number 7 was. Viktor wrote the New York best seller Extra-Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven, a recount of his time living in his sibling’s shadows and published in 2014. Nowadays, Viktor is the second chair violinist for the Icarus Orchestra. We believe Viktor may have been adopted from Russia!
Number 8
Number 8, known as Didi, possesses the ability to shapeshift. Didi was one of the last to leave the Academy at age 19, and was definitely the last to join, donning the red-piped, navy blue blazer at age 14. Didi was in the foster care system for a few months before being adopted by Sir Hargreeves, suspected to have been taken into the family to mask the disappearance of Five. Now, Didi uses her influence as an Umbrella Academy member, and her money as a Hargreeves, to fund multiple homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and charity shops. Her newest charity shop, Finders or Keepers, is located just 20 minutes from the heart of Indianapolis. We know Didi spent the first 14 years of her life in Australia, however, her life before the Umbrella Academy is a bit of a mystery!
As always, we at Vector Magazine are incredibly grateful for all the work that Sir Reginald Hargreeves and his brilliant children do for us.
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He squinted behind his goggles, his thin mouth forming a frown.
“He fucking replaced me.”
He didn’t dare scream, his throat already so dry and his water supply low. His words echoed around his own head, the first sounds he’d heard in days that was not wind blowing harshly, or falling foundations.
“He fucking replaced me?”
Great.
He fell to his knees, tears threatening to spill. He grasped the magazine tightly, creases forming in his fist. If he was honest, it wasn’t the fact he’d been replaced that hurt him the most. It was more so life went on without him. It’d been weeks for him, years for everyone else.
Five Hargreeves was stuck in an apocalypse, with no way to get out. And the world moved on around him.