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As soon as they come back from Phrae, Beer starts avoiding him.
When Wan gets up in the morning, there is still breakfast laid out for him on the table like always, but Beer is nowhere in sight. On Wednesday, when Wan and Beer usually hang out by the tables in front of the engineering building, waiting for God and Bew to finish their morning classes so they can all grab lunch together, all of a sudden Beer has a group project he needs to work on in the library. When Wan gets home late on Thursdays, dinner is warm and waiting, but Beer has already showered and gone to bed, curled up on his side, away from Wan. It’s incredible how two people who live together, who go to the same school, who share the same bed can manage to go days without being alone together.
When Wan said he didn’t want anything to change, this is exactly what he meant. And if he could manage to catch Beer alone for two seconds, he would tell him that. Unfortunately, it’s a Monday night and as is quickly becoming the new normal, Beer has disappeared to somewhere only he knows.
Wan is pacing in front of the sofa, his finger hovering over the call button on Beer’s contact page, when there’s a sudden banging at the door.
“Wan, are you home? Can you open the door?”
It’s God’s voice, but when Wan swings the door open, it’s Beer who falls into his arms, heavy and warm, reeking of alcohol and barely standing. Wan staggers backward, just managing to keep himself and Beer upright. Over Beer’s shoulder, he sees the concerned faces of God and Diew.
“Oops, come on now, Beer,” God says, trying unsuccessfully to wrangle Beer off of Wan, while Diew closes the door behind them.
“It’s okay,” Wan says. “I’ve got him.”
It’s the first time they’ve been this close since that night at Phrae, when they’d sat under a blanket of stars and everything had changed, and it hits Wan all of a sudden how viscerally he’s missed Beer over the last several days.
At the sound of his voice, Beer’s head swings up violently and Wan narrowly avoids getting headbutt.
“Wan.”
Beer’s face is mashed up against the side of Wan’s head now, so his name is mostly a warm exhale into his ear, and Wan shudders at the sensation. Beer mumbles a bit more, but even this close, Wan can’t make out anything he’s saying.
“Hm? What was that?”
When Beer doesn’t speak again, Wan pulls back to try to look him in the eye. That is a mistake. Beer is frowning, deep creases of misery etched into his brow, looking sadder than Wan has ever seen him, but it’s the shiny sheen of unshed tears in his eyes that makes Wan want to do something brash and reckless. Like rip out his still-beating heart from his own chest and offer it up to Beer. Anything to stop him from looking like that at Wan.
“Beer just needs to sleep it off,” God intervenes, reaching out again for Beer.
This time Beer willingly peels away from Wan. Without Beer wrapped around him, Wan feels suddenly cold, but all he can do is stand there and watch as God half-carries and half-drags Beer to the bathroom to wash up.
“Diew, can you get Beer a glass of water?”
“Of course, P’God.”
Diew turns to look at Wan. “Can you show me where the glasses are?”
Wan leads Diew to the kitchen and watches Diew pour a tall glass of water. But instead of picking up the glass and taking it to Beer, Diew lingers at the counter, his long fingers tracing the side of the glass. The silence is excruciating.
“How did Beer get so drunk?” Wan finally asks when he can’t take it anymore. “Normally he’s pretty good about staying just tipsy enough to stay happy drunk.”
The look Diew gives him is full of judgment, and Wan’s heart sinks. When Beer drinks too much, he can get real chatty. Diew finally drops his hands from the glass with a sigh.
“You know, when God first introduced me to you all, I thought you and Beer were boyfriends.”
That was not what Wan was expecting him to say at all.
He sputters, “Us? Boyfriends? How? Why?”
Diew lifts a shoulder in a half shrug. “Beer was always looking out for you, and you always seemed to be looking for his attention. You guys felt like a couple.”
“But we’re not,” Wan protests immediately.
“Well, yes, I know that now,” Diew replies, his voice soft and patient. “But I hear that Beer would like you guys to be.”
Wan presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, hard, because it wouldn’t be polite to just start screaming in front of God’s new boyfriend. When he opens his eyes again, spots dance across his vision and Diew is just quietly watching him.
“I wish he had never told me,” Wan blurts out.
“Why?” Diew asks, a gentle probe.
“It’s too risky. Our friendship is too important.”
“Even if neither of you said anything, is friendship all that you two really had?”
God’s little boyfriend is annoyingly insightful.
Wan tries to explain. “We were happy just the way things were. Why did he have to change everything? It’s not fair.”
“Not fair to you or not fair to him?” Diew asks, somehow being both relentless and kind. “Do you think Beer was really happy with the way things were?”
“I just want everything to go back to the way it was.”
Wan knows he’s whining now, but he also doesn’t care anymore.
Diew gives him a cutting look. “When Beer was treating you like his boyfriend, but without any of the perks?”
Wan had no idea Diew could be this mean. His politeness and mild-mannered way of speaking are totally deceiving. Wan almost wants to call out to God and make him make his boyfriend leave him alone, but he knows God would not take his side. And Diew’s not even done.
“Are you sure you don’t feel that way about him too? If you’re afraid that you might get together and then break up later, well, isn’t that better than never having gotten together and breaking up now?”
Is that what they’re doing? Is Beer breaking up with him?
Some of Wan’s confusion must show on his face, because Diew reaches out and pats him on the arm.
“Before I met God, I dated a real jerk,” Diew says.
Wan looks up at Diew in surprise, but Diew is studiously avoiding eye contact, as if that’s the only way he can make it through this story.
“I trusted him, told him things I never told anyone before, but he made fun of me behind my back with his friends, treated dating me like some kind of social experiment. I felt so stupid. I swore off dating after that.”
“That’s awful!”
Diew shakes his head. “I wanted to tell you my story because when God told me he liked me, I was terrified. I don’t mean to overstep or stick my nose in your personal affairs, but I can understand how you feel. I just want to say God was worth the risk. And I have a feeling you and Beer are too. If that’s what you want.”
Wan is at a complete loss for words, but Diew doesn’t wait for a response.
“Thank you for showing me where the glasses are.” He picks up the glass of water and takes it to the bathroom, leaving Wan in the kitchen feeling even more lost than before.
What does he want? He’s never thought about Beer that way. Sure, he likes it when Beer takes care of him, but who wouldn’t? He knows he’s special to Beer, he hates the thought of someone else replacing him, being more important than him, but Wan has always been a little possessive of his friends. That’s not the same as wanting to date Beer. Isn’t it?
Diew’s words echo in Wan’s head.
Beer treats you like his boyfriend but without any of the perks.
What perks?
Sex?
Unbidden, the memory of their kisses pops up. They were good, really good. Beer was a good kisser, confident and assertive, with soft lips and a warm, slippery tongue. If they hadn’t been interrupted, who knows what those kisses would have led to. Wan has seen Beer naked before, they’ve showered together a million times before, but now the thought of his bare chest, his long legs, the curve of his ass makes Wan wonder what all that skin would feel like under his fingers, what his dick would look like, feel like, hard and aroused. He remembers Beer’s eyes, looking up at Wan, shiny with tears, and wonders what it would be like if it were a different sort of desperation on his face.
Alone, under the too-bright lights of the kitchen, Wan feels his face grow warm. And that is, of course, exactly when God and Diew slip out of the bathroom. God settles Beer into bed, but as soon as he looks up and spots Wan, he frowns in concern.
“Wan, are you okay? Do you have a fever?” God asks, making his way toward him.
“I’m fine!” Wan yelps. He tugs on his shirt, flapping it to create a small breeze. “It’s a little stuffy in here, isn’t it? I should open a window.”
“Are you sure?”
God reaches out with one of his giant hands, trying to feel for Wan’s forehead, and Wan immediately ducks away.
“Wan’s fine. Leave him alone,” Diew says, grabbing a hold of God’s forearm. “It’s getting late, don’t you have a class early tomorrow morning?”
God looks horrified. “Oh no, Diew, you have an 8am class tomorrow, don’t you?”
And just like that, God and Diew depart as suddenly as they arrived, in a flurry of apologies (from God to Diew) and reassurances (from Diew to God) and half-hearted goodbyes (from God and Diew to Wan).
It’s only when Wan starts to head to the bathroom to wash up that he realizes he’s hard. Well, fuck.
Wan wakes up to the soothing sensation of a hand running through his hair. When he opens his eyes and sees Beer’s face looking down at him, it is pure reflex to smile up at him. It’s only when Beer freezes and withdraws his hand that Wan remembers the terrible awkwardness of the past week. He sits up, the smile slipping off of his face, and faces Beer, who has miraculously not disappeared on him.
It’s now or never.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
The words are out of Wan’s mouth before his brain can catch up. Beer looks just as bewildered as Wan feels, but Wan doubles down. He wanted to talk to Beer, and barring some of natural or supernatural disaster, they are going to talk.
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asks again.
Beer scoffs. “What does that even mean?”
“Friends can break up too,” Wan insists. “I don’t want to break up with you.”
Beer frowns, rubbing his temples, and Wan realizes maybe cornering Beer like this, first thing in the morning, was maybe not the best idea, he probably has a terrible hangover. Wan stands up to get Beer some water and pain relievers, but Beer reaches out and pulls him back down before he can take more than a couple steps. Wan stares down at Beer’s long fingers wrapped around his wrist, taking a beat to note how much he likes it, but Beer immediately jerks away, as though Wan were poisonous, and balls his hands in his lap.
“Just give me some time,” Beer says, his eyes cast down.
“Time for what?”
“I know I said that nothing would change, but I need some time to adjust. I don’t know how to suddenly treat you like a friend.”
“But I’m saying you don’t have to.”
Beer sighs. “I can’t be like you, okay? I can’t just pretend that nothing happened. You don’t want to date me but you still want to be friends. That’s fine, I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all, but I can’t keep doing this.”
Treating you like his boyfriend but without any of the perks. Diew’s words are going to haunt Wan for a long time.
“Beer, when I said I didn’t want anything to change, I meant that too.”
“I can’t do it, Wan. This in-between thing is killing me.” Beer’s voice has gone tight and his words are clipped, sure signs that he’s starting to lose his temper, which is a rarity, especially when it comes to Wan.
“What do you want then?”
“What do I want?”
“You keep making this all about me, but there are two of us in this relationship. When you said you liked me, what did that mean?”
Beer is definitely annoyed now, and he snaps at Wan. “Don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not!” Wan protests. “I just need you to explain it to me. I don’t understand, but I know I don’t want to lose you. So help me understand.”
Beer takes a deep, calming breath. “Wan, I don’t need you to pity date me.”
“I don’t pity you! Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“You don’t need me to explain my feelings to you. Either you feel the same or you don’t. And you clearly don’t. Don’t force yourself to date me when you’re just scared of losing me as a friend, like you lost Tan.”
“That’s not what this is. Stop putting words in my mouth,” Wan says again, trying not to get frustrated.
“Then what do you want me to do? Spell out my feelings for you so that you can just reject me again? What is the point, Wan?”
Wan has no idea where this conversation went so sideways, but Beer is on a roll now, as if all the words he hadn’t said over the last week are forcing their way out now.
“It’s only been a week since you turned me down,” Beer continues. “Give me another week, maybe two, I swear I’ll figure it out, and then everything will go back to normal.”
Wan doesn’t know how to make Beer stop and listen to him, so he does the only thing he can think of.
He kisses him.
Beer freezes under him, and Wan can feel him trembling ever so slightly, before he shoves Wan away.
“What is wrong with you?” Beer asks.
A lot, if Wan is being honest. But he decides to go with the simplest truth. “I like kissing you.”
Beer’s mouth hangs open, but no words come out. Wan takes advantage of his silence and forges ahead.
“If you liking me means that you want to kiss me, I think I’d be okay with that.”
“What?”
“Tell me what else you want.”
Beer looks like he might faint. “Am I still asleep?”
Wan knows it would be traditional to pinch him, but Beer looks so cute when he’s gobsmacked that he leans forward and bites Beer’s lower lip instead.
“Ow! Wan!”
“You’re not dreaming,” Wan says. “Now answer me. You like me. What does that mean?”
“I want to be your boyfriend?”
“But what does that mean?” Wan presses. “I’ve never had a boyfriend.”
Beer chews the inside of his lip, his fingers picking obsessively at the seam of the blanket. Wan covers Beer’s hand with his, stilling his nervous worrying, and waits for him to gather his thoughts.
“I would make you breakfast in the morning, and we would go to school together. And we would eat lunch together and wait for each other after class so that we could go home together. And we would get dinner and study together and do laundry and clean up and sleep together. And on the weekends we would make plans, like go to the mall together or watch a movie.”
“So everything we already do,” Wan points out.
“But it would be different,” Beer says slowly, like he’s trying to talk and think at the same time. “Because you would be mine, and I would be yours.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’d spend more time with me than with anyone else.”
“I do that anyway.”
“You couldn’t date other people.”
“I’m definitely not dating other people either.”
“You’d let me kiss you.”
Wan bites back a smile. “I already said you could.”
“And maybe we could do more than kiss,” Beer says, his voice barely louder than a mumble.
Wan wants to reach out and touch Beer’s red ears, but he settles instead for squeezing his hands, still trapped under his.
“Thank you,” Wan says.
Beer’s head snaps up in surprise. “For what?”
“For explaining it to me. Sounds like being just friends would be a lot more change than being boyfriends. So I agree.”
“You agree,” Beer says slowly, questioningly.
“Let’s be boyfriends.”
Wan leans forward, to seal the deal with a kiss, but Beer puts a hand up in between them, his fingers resting lightly on Wan’s mouth.
“Are you sure?” Beer asks, his eyes searching Wan’s. He hates the doubt on Beer’s face. “Do you even feel that way about me?”
Wan pulls Beer’s hand away from his mouth and leans in closer so that he can whisper, “I jerked off in the shower last night thinking about you.”
“Wan!”
This time Beer blushes all the way down his neck. Wan leans in to press his nose against the flushed, warm skin of Beer’s jaw and inhales his familiar scent.
“Be serious, Wan.”
Wan hides his smile into the side of Beer’s neck. “I am serious.”
Beer finally gives in with a sigh, wrapping his arms around Wan and giving him the biggest, softest hug. They sway together in each other’s arms a few times, before Beer lies down, bringing Wan with him and gathering him in close. Wan closes his eyes, feeling more relaxed than he has in days. This, right here, is exactly where he belongs.
“I thought you were scared about what would happen if we broke up.”
Wan shakes his head, which conveniently allows him to snuggle in closer. “You’re just not allowed to break up with me.”
“Oh, but you’re allowed to break up with me?”
Beer’s chest is nice and rumbly when he talks. Wan likes cuddling with him a lot. Maybe change isn’t so bad after all.
“No, silly. I’m not breaking up with you, so if you don’t break up with me, then we’ll be together forever and there’s nothing to be scared of.”
Beer huffs a laugh that tickles the hair across Wan’s forehead. He likes that too. He wants to be this close to Beer all the time.
Beer places a finger under Wan’s chin, tilting his face up.
“So we’re boyfriends then?” Beer asks.
He looks happy and scared all at once. Wan can relate, but for once, he’s decided to listen to the happy part and not let the scared part get in the way. Now that he knows the scared part is going to cost him Beer.
“Yes,” Wan answers. “Boyfriends.”
And then Wan finally gets the kiss he was looking for, and it’s even better than he remembered.