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Pretend for a moment, you never died. Pretend for a moment, you were never trapped in a school as your fellow students murdered each other. Pretend for a moment, you went to Hope’s Peak Academy and it was a normal school and no one died and you all graduated and lived happily ever after.
Pretend for a moment, that last bit actually happened. Pretend for a moment, you didn’t fall in love with another student. Pretend for a moment, you don’t love him so much your heart hurts just thinking about it. Pretend for a moment, when you graduated you really did live happily ever after and you kept in contact with your everyone else and didn’t just throw yourself into your work and ignored the outside and you did have friends and you weren’t lonely and you didn’t think of him all the time and pretend pretend pretend.
Pretend for a moment, it’s not three days from your thirtieth birthday. Pretend for a moment, you have friends to celebrate it with. Pretend for a moment, you’re looking forward to a celebration. Pretend for a moment, your celebration won’t be drinking alone in a bar. Pretend for a moment, you don’t drink a little too much. Pretend for a moment, you’re happy.
Pretend for a moment, you’re not walking through the market. Pretend for a moment, you’re not completely alone and frowning at the overly-touchy couples because it’s improper. Pretend for a moment, it doesn’t make you lonelier. Pretend for a moment, you’re never lonely. Pretend for a moment, as you’re walking through the market you don’t see a flash of bleached hair. Pretend for a moment, you don’t see those broad shoulders you remember so well from your youth. Pretend for a moment, you aren’t able to recognize him anywhere after all these years. Pretend for a moment, that doesn’t make you feel pathetic. Pretend for a moment, you aren’t pathetic.
Pretend for a moment, he doesn’t turn around and lock eyes with you. Pretend for a moment, the smile that crosses his face when he isn’t so beautiful your heart just shatters. Pretend for a moment, your feet aren’t stuck in place and you’re able to turn and run away. Pretend for a moment, he’s not coming towards you and your stomach is in your throat and pretend you’re gone, pretend you’re invisible, pretend the ground will swallow you up so you don’t have to do this.
“Ishimaru!” Pretend for a moment, your stomach doesn’t tie up in knots when he says your name. “Shit, is that you? It’s been forever!”
Pretend for a moment, you can speak. Pretend for a moment, you do more than open and close your mouth and make little squeaking noise in the back of your throat. Pretend for a moment, he isn’t even more handsome than you could have ever imagined. Pretend for a moment, his short hair doesn’t look good on him, pretend you don’t miss his pompadour a little, pretend you’re not glad he still keeps it bleached, pretend you’re not worried about the bandage on his cheek, pretend you’re not staring at his lips and thinking about how much you want to kiss him.
“Oowada-kun.” Pretend for a moment, you’re able to say something besides his name. Pretend for a moment, you don’t almost say aniki. Pretend for a moment, you don’t almost use his given name. Pretend for a moment, you don’t wish you could say his name again and again and forever. Pretend for a moment, you wouldn’t be happy if you could say his name every day for the rest of your life. Pretend for a moment, you have social graces and remember how to hold a conversation. “Oowada-kun, I…”
Pretend for a moment, when he wraps an arm around your shoulders you’re not three seconds away from breaking into tears. Pretend for a moment, you know when it is and isn’t an appropriate time to cry. Pretend for a moment, you have control your emotions. Pretend for a moment, you’re not three seconds away from telling him you love him. Pretend for a moment, when you see Kuwata-san and Fujisaki-san, you’re not jealous. Pretend for a moment, you don’t notice that they’ve grown more attractive over the years and that you’re still not jealous. Pretend for a moment, Fujisaki-san hasn’t grown up to be a beautiful young man and you’re not even the tiniest bit jealous that he gets to spend all his time with Oowada-kun. Pretend for a moment, you were never jealous of Fujisaki-san.
“Hey, Leon! Chihiro! I found Kiyotaka!” Pretend for a moment, that’s not the first time in a long time that you remember someone using your given name. Pretend for a moment, it’s not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. “You remember them, don’t you? We all used to hang out, remember that?”
Pretend for a moment, you give them a proper greeting. Pretend for a moment, you’re not fighting back tears. Pretend for a moment, you don’t feel dizzy. Pretend for a moment, you don’t feel sick. Pretend for a moment, you don’t feel overwhelmed, pretend you’re not about to faint, pretend you’re not about to scream, pretend you know if you’re happy or not, pretend you’re not crying like a child and everyone in the market is staring at you. Pretend for a moment, Oowada-kun—Mondo—isn’t laughing and messing up your hair and pretend that doesn’t make you so happy you don’t care who sees you crying. Pretend for a moment, Chihiro and Leon aren’t laughing too and smiling and pretend that doesn’t make you happier.
Pretend for a moment, Mondo doesn’t still remember your birthday. Pretend for a moment, that doesn’t make you stupidly happy. Pretend for a moment, you’re done being a foolish love-sick child. Pretend for a moment, he doesn’t rope you into celebrating with everyone. Pretend for a moment, you give an actual protest. Pretend for a moment, you’re not scared to death. Pretend for a moment, you have any idea of what to do. Pretend for a moment, going out to a bar is a good idea. Pretend for a moment, you don’t freak out about whether you should invite them over or not because you apartment isn’t a mess and looking at it every day doesn’t make you hate yourself a little more. Pretend for a moment, you don’t hate yourself.
Pretend for a moment, you give a proper farewell instead of Mondo doing all the talking. Pretend for a moment, you aren’t so busy thinking about him you nearly miss your stop on the subway home. Pretend for a moment, the first thing you do when you’re home isn’t shove your hand down your pants and think about how beautiful Mondo isn’t. Pretend for a moment, afterwards you don’t cry. Pretend for a moment, you’re a decent human being. Pretend for a moment, you don’t want to die a little more each day. Pretend for a moment, you’re not dead already on the inside.
Pretend for a moment, it’s not the day of your birthday and you’ve already thrown up once. Pretend for a moment, you can actually focus at work. Pretend for a moment, you don’t contemplate skipping work for the first time in your entire life. Pretend for a moment, it’s not really tempting. Pretend for a moment, you’re not watching the clock every minute. Pretend for a moment, you don’t bolt out of the office when it’s time to leave. Pretend for a moment, this isn’t the first time you haven’t stayed late. Pretend for a moment, you’re not a little scared at how happy you’re feeling.
Pretend for a moment, you don’t arrive at the bar 45 minutes before everyone else. Pretend for a moment, you don’t throw up in the bushes on the way there. Pretend for a moment, you don’t order a beer to calm your nerves. Pretend for a moment, you don’t order two. Pretend for a moment, you’re not so excited you could faint when you see everyone come in. Pretend for a moment, you aren’t three seconds away from crying. Pretend for a moment, as soon as Naegi holds his hand out to you, you don’t pull him into a hug and sob into his shirt. Pretend for a moment, seeing everyone again isn’t the greatest thing to happen to you in the past ten years. Pretend for a moment, it isn’t three minutes later, and you’re still not crying. Pretend for a moment, your happiness isn’t shattered like glass when Mondo and Chihiro come in. Pretend for a moment, you’re not hyper aware of the hand on Chihiro’s shoulder, his back, his head. Pretend for a moment, you’re not looking for any sign that could verify or deny their romantic relationship. Pretend for a moment, you’re still not completely pathetic.
Pretend for a moment, tonight isn’t one of the greatest nights of your life. Pretend for a moment, that doesn’t terrify you because you know tomorrow will be the same as yesterday. Pretend for a moment, you’re not clawing desperately at this one twinkle of happiness because you’re life isn’t in shambles. Pretend for a moment, you can stop hating yourself long enough to be happy. Pretend for a moment, you’re still not watching Chihiro and Mondo’s movements out of the corner of your eye. Pretend for a moment, you’re not inching closer and closer towards Mondo as the night goes on. Pretend for a moment, it’s not completely obvious. Pretend for a moment, it has nothing to do with how much you drank. Pretend for a moment, no one is eyeing how many drinks you’ve had. Pretend for a moment, you give a shit. Pretend for a moment, alcohol doesn’t make you act like a delinquent. Pretend for a moment, Mondo isn’t so close and so beautiful and so fucking perfect you’re completely drunk off him and the alcohol has nothing to do with it. Pretend for a moment, when he pulls you into a one-armed hug you don’t inhale with your face against his chest. Pretend for a moment, he doesn’t smell wonderful. Pretend for a moment, you’re still not obvious. And pretend, pretend, pretend so hard, not for a moment, but forever, that when you open your mouth to say “I love you” you don’t throw up instead.
Pretend for a moment, you didn’t pass out. Pretend for a moment, you got back to your apartment all by yourself. Pretend for a moment, you don’t wake up groggy and confused. Pretend for a moment, when you hear the shower on your first reaction isn’t to be upset about how messy your apartment is but to worry about an intruder. Pretend for a moment, you realize you’re only wearing your boxers and sarashi and don’t start hyperventilating. Pretend for a moment, you can decide if your apartment being messy or waking up in your underclothes is worse. Pretend for a moment, neither of those are that upsetting to you. Pretend for a moment, your heart doesn’t stop when the shower turns off and pretend it doesn’t start again when Mondo comes into your room, wet and warm and shirtless. Pretend for a moment, you don’t have to squeeze your legs together and count to ten to calm down. Pretend for a moment, you know if this is a dream or not and you know if you want it to be a dream or not.
“Hey, Kiyotaka, you feeling better?” Pretend for a moment, you can say something and not just stare in awe at him. Pretend for a moment, you don’t have a strange urge to just lick him. Pretend for a moment, you can do something, anything, other than drink his form in, other than admire how strong and handsome he is, other than think about all the places you want to kiss and lick and maybe even bite. Pretend for a moment, it doesn’t feel like your whole body is on fire. Pretend for a moment, your hand isn’t going to be in your boxers as soon as he leaves. Pretend, once more, that you are not pathetic.
“You know, I’d punch any other guy who threw up on me.” Pretend for a moment, this is not completely embarrassing. Pretend for a moment, you mind that when he sits next to you he wraps one wet arm around you and the water makes you shiver. Pretend for a moment, your eyes aren’t glued to the trail of hair between his navel and the waist of his pants. Pretend for a moment, you’re not dying to lick that. Pretend for a moment, you’re actually listening to him and not being a gigantic idiot.
“Naegi helped me carry you home; it’s good you don’t live far. Figured it’d be okay if I used your shower after what happened.” Pretend for a moment, the smile uses to show he’s not mad isn’t enough to make you melt. Pretend for a moment, you’re able to form full sentences around Mondo. Pretend for a moment, you have any idea what’s happening. Pretend for a moment, when his face falls and the corners of his mouth turn down in concern it doesn’t make your heart seize up. “You doin’ okay? None of us have heard anything from you since graduation, and you weren’t lookin’ so good tonight… Shit, you outdrank Leon by a mile.” Pretend for a moment, you aren’t angry. Pretend for a moment, you’re not happy. Pretend for a moment, you’re not confused on your feelings. Pretend for a moment, that’s not a common occurrence. “A lot of us live in the area and we’re not hard to find.”
Pretend for a moment, you don’t find it sweet and cute and heart breaking about how much he’s trying to help you. Pretend for a moment, you’re not long past being helped. Pretend for a moment, you don’t know that when he scratches his cheek that means he’s unsure, and you don’t know when he rubs the bridge of his nose he’s embarrassed. Pretend for a moment, you don’t remember all his tells.
“Fuck. I’m not good at this shit. What I’m trying to say is we’re worried about you and we miss you. So stop hiding from us, got it?”
Pretend for a moment, you’re not three seconds away from crying. Pretend for a moment, you’re not three breaths away from screaming. Pretend for a moment, you’re not three words away from ruining any chance you had at happiness.
Pretend for a moment, you don’t do all three at once. Pretend for a moment, you don’t scream into his chest and cry and say I love you I love you I love you until you can’t breathe. Pretend for a moment, you’re not a complete wreck. Pretend for a moment, this really is all a dream and when you wake up it will be the same as yesterday and none of this ever happened. Pretend for a moment, you wouldn’t choose a life of despair over a glimmer of hope. Pretend for a moment, waiting for his next words isn’t the most nerve wracking experience of your life. Pretend for a moment, this isn’t completely exhausting. Pretend for a moment, you’re not completely lost.
“You fucking moron.” Pretend for a moment, his laughter doesn’t make you want to smile. Pretend for a moment, when his arms wraps around you, this isn’t the safest you’ve ever felt. “You shoulda said something. I… Shit, I didn’t think you’d ever love a guy like me. You always called me a delinquent. It’d ruin your reputation to be with a guy like me. So I, shit, I was a dumbass.”
Pretend for a moment, you don’t love him even more. Pretend for a moment, your heart hasn’t swelled up so much it’s nearly burst out of your chest. Pretend for a moment, you don’t want to yell at him for being an idiot, for both of you being idiots, for it taking so long for you two to do anything. Pretend for a moment, you’re not crawling on top of him and trying to kiss him and doing it badly. Pretend for a moment, you don’t fall in love with him all over again every time he laughs. Pretend for a moment, it isn’t okay that your teeth clack together and your noses hit and that this isn’t the single most amazing moment of your life. Pretend for a moment, you’re not shaking in excitement he pushes you down on the futon, you’re not yanking on his pants and kissing every inch of skin you see, your whole body isn’t lighting up in pleasure. Pretend for a moment, that it’s not over before your boxers are even all the way off. Pretend for a moment, that actually matters. Pretend for a moment, it doesn’t end in more laughter and kisses and that everything isn’t wonderful, isn’t perfect, isn’t finally a door opening to something new and exciting. Pretend for a moment, everything isn’t beautiful.
Now stop pretending, because everything is finally good, finally working out, finally looking up. Stop pretending, because now you don’t have to.