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Izuku, frankly, hates dekusdumbbf with a passion that only started exactly six days, four hours, and thirty-one minutes ago.
First of all, Kacchan wasn’t dumb, and the fact that some random Hero Merch user even had the username is a personal affront to him.
Second of all, dekusdumbbf has been thwarting his bids at every turn. Izuku doesn’t even understand how the user even ups the bid so quickly each time. It’s as if there’s some automated bot doing it for them, but Izuku knows that’s impossible considering how strict the Hero Merch website is. (He’s tried it himself to no avail.)
Finally, the stupid username didn’t even make sense considering that they were currently in a bidding war over an extremely rare, limited-edition gold Dynamight standee. Only five of them exist at all, all made for a small charity event at the start of Katsuki’s career, and Izuku had only accepted that he’d never get to own one just because he supposed they went to a good cause. Plus, when he had asked Katsuki back then for one, his boyfriend had only scoffed and said that he had nothing to do with his merch, that’s all on his stupid agency.
Of course, Izuku knew that, but it still didn’t stop him from contacting Katsuki’s entire merch team over the course of nearly two weeks to plead for them to make a standee for him as well. They refused, unfortunately, because apparently if it got out that Izuku had been given a personal one, it’d “lower the stakes of the charity competition and imply that other heroes could ask for their own as well.”
Izuku had thought that explanation was absolutely ridiculous; he wasn’t some random hero, he was Kacchan’s boyfriend.
Now, though, nearly three years later, the standee has been put up for auction. Izuku was angry when he first saw it (how dare one of the winners try to sell off such a limited-edition item?!), but then he read the short description underneath about how the profits would be helping fund the seller's daughter's university education (with her consent) and decided to forgive them.
It wasn’t until after the quick anger and following acceptance that he realized that this was a good thing for him. He’d finally get the Dynamight standee he’s been quite literally dreaming about for years! Sure, he’d be spending a lot of money on it, but it was his birthday coming up anyway, and he’s always believed in self-love and self-sufficiency.
Except, the Actual Worst Enemy of Izuku’s Entire Life—dekusdumbbf—has decided that he should just go and die on his birthday instead. All while mocking his boyfriend.
Izuku isn’t a moron. He had attempted to message the seller as soon as it was listed to see if he could just outright buy it, but they simply replied they were wanting to make as much money as they could to fund their daughter’s education. When Izuku asked how much that was, much to the amusement of the seller, he realized he definitely did not have the funds he needed.
So, Izuku resigned himself to bidding, something that went well for the first four days or so. There were a few other bidders, but they quickly gave up after Izuku basically tripled the bid at every turn.
And, then.
Then, dekusdumbbf doubled Izuku’s bid. Izuku let it slide the first day or two, only rolling his eyes, figuring the bidder would give up like the others. But, after the days went on and the bidder only became more and more persistent, Izuku realized that this would be the true battle of his life. AFO was nothing compared to this.
Despairingly, Izuku stares at the current bid—¥595,227.75—and tries to decide if he should bid right now or later. Usually, he’d use the common tactic of waiting until the last day to bid, but he’s worried that he’ll get mortally injured or something and miss his chance.
He can’t recruit Kacchan to help him either because he knows his awful boyfriend would somehow convince him that the “real thing is better than some dumbass standee, Deku, don’t waste your money on that shit.” He’s right, of course, but it doesn’t mean he wants to hear it.
It’s as he’s contemplating finding dekusdumbbf and tying them up for the next four days so he can’t continue to ruin Izuku’s life that Kacchan arrives home.
“Kacchan!” Izuku exclaims, closing his computer shut and rushing over to greet him. Katsuki smiles at him, soft and fond and everything Izuku adores, before leaning in to kiss him.
“Missed you today,” Katsuki mumbles against his lips. Izuku only hums, finally pulling away to let Katsuki get settled in.
“I always miss you, Kacchan,” Izuku says, beaming at his boyfriend in a way he knows will make him blush and then roll his eyes. Izuku’s grin widens when Katsuki does exactly that.
Izuku lets Katsuki get changed before they settle on their couch together, Katsuki sighing softly as Izuku slots his boyfriend against him.
“How was work? The brats in line today?” Katsuki mumbles, breath warm and ticklish against Izuku’s skin.
Laughing, Izuku starts to trail his fingers down and up Katsuki’s arm, tracing his scars. “They were a handful today, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. Asahi and Haru are in some kind of argument, so the class has taken sides. Were we that dramatic as teenagers, Kacchan?”
“You know damn well we were.” Katsuki snorts.
Izuku laughs again. “What about you? You’re home a bit late—paperwork?”
Katsuki grumbles, shuffling so more of his face is pressed against Izuku’s neck. Izuku loves him so, so much. It’s almost overwhelming sometimes, knowing that your home is tucked away into a single person.
“One of our civilians was a grouchy, old idiot. You’d think we were asking him to move out or some shit, rather than just obtain his information for his property damage insurance.” Katsuki sits up then, moving so nearly every part of their body is touching, and he throws an arm over Izuku’s shoulders. Izuku sighs at the contact, finally letting some of the tension he felt from his stupid bidding war ease. “You okay?” Katsuki asks. Apparently, his lingering tension is obvious to Kacchan as well.
“Just some stupid bidding war on the Hero Merch website. Trying to win your—” Izuku swallows. “Uhhh, I mean, I’m trying to win a… Tsukuyomi lamp. Kind of ironic, right?”
Izuku has never seen a lamp dedicated to Tokoyami in his life, but he almost wants one now.
“You’re such a fucking nerd,” Katsuki mutters, but he leans in and presses a kiss against Izuku’s neck anyway, and Izuku lets himself fall into the feeling.
Who cares about dekusdumbbf right now anyway? He has the Actual Pro Hero Dynamight to cuddle with, after all. He bets stupid dekusdumbbf doesn’t have that. Plus, there are still four more days for Izuku to snatch it from the would-be thief. dekusdumbbf is nothing compared to the legendary alldynamight (even if Izuku is on an alternate account so that Katsuki doesn’t find out he’s bidding).
Just over two days later, Izuku begins to mourn his relationship with Kacchan, wondering if his boyfriend will still want to be with him if it means visiting him in prison. Izuku never thought he’d become a murderer, but dekusdumbbf is testing him like none other when the user places yet another bid that is almost twice as much as the current one. Izuku is going to seriously have to start budgeting his funds soon. Maybe he’ll take on a few loans.
“Why do you look like that? Does your meal taste like shit?” Katsuki asks, frowning at him as Izuku scowls at the restaurant’s terribly decorated wall, ignoring his kitsune udon in favor of scolding himself for wanting to wish a terrible life on some random Hero Merch user. Seriously, is this how far he’s fallen?
“Hmm?” Izuku mumbles, focusing on Kacchan again. Katsuki glares at him.
“That wall prettier than me or some shit? What are you thinking?”
“Nothing is prettier than you, Kacchan.”
Predictably, Katsuki’s glare is quickly accompanied by a beautiful red blush, and Izuku smiles lightly at him.
“So, pay attention to me then!”
Izuku giggles. “Alright, Kacchan. Didn’t know you were so needy today.”
“You fucking—”
Two days, eight hours, and 19 minutes later, Izuku loses the bid to dekusdumbbf. He stares in horrified shock as his own Hero name stares back at him, but before he can start miserably crying or contemplating the end of his own life, he’s distracted by the excited yell he hears from their bedroom. Izuku is currently situated at their kitchen table, grading papers in between his furious bidding war, but Kacchan’s been lounging on their bed, watching videos or reading.
“Kacchan?” Izuku asks, standing up to see why his partner sounds like a child on their birthday. Ugh. Birthdays. Izuku’s is officially ruined this year, all because of stupid dekusdumbbf. He’s starting to hate his own boyfriend just for the mere sake of it. Who even is a fan of Hero Deku nowadays anyway? He’s been out of commission for nearly six years now.
Whatever. Izuku hates them anyway. He hopes they enjoy their Dynamight standee in hell.
Sighing, Izuku scolds himself again as he opens the door to see Katsuki lying down on his stomach, grinning at his computer, feet up and moving excitedly.
Izuku’s bad mood dissipates almost instantly. Grinning helplessly at the sight, Izuku moves to join him on the bed, closing his eyes as he wraps his arms around Katsuki’s legs, pushing them down so he’s spooning them.
Kacchan huffs. “You’re not even going to cuddle me down here where it’s normal? You’re just going to cling onto my legs like a freak?”
“You’re the one who’s head is at the foot of the bed, Kacchan,” Izuku murmurs. He tilts his head down a bit so he can see Katsuki’s cute smile directed towards him. “Why are you so happy anyway? Did you watch something funny? Did you win something?”
His boyfriend closes his computer, untangling himself from Izuku so he can set it on his bedside table before returning to the bed, this time changing positions so his head is on the pillow alongside Izuku’s. Izuku’s smile broadens just a bit more when he sees how pleased Kacchan looks right now.
“Damn right I won something. I always win.”
“You’re the best, Kacchan,” Izuku replies, suddenly so exhausted. He closes his eyes again; he’s sure dekusdumbbf will appear as some horrible entity in his dreams tonight, taunting him for losing his only chance at true happiness. In the end, though, he has Kacchan. And, when Katsuki seems to sense his sad mood, reaching out and tucking Izuku against his chest, Izuku realizes that he’ll always have his Kacchan.
Why should he care about some stupid, really special limited-edition beautiful gold standee of his gorgeous and amazing boyfriend anyway?
As the days pass, getting closer and closer to his birthday, Izuku, unfortunately, can’t help some of his casual moping. It’s just that he tried so hard, and he’s been wanting this standee for years, and he was Dynamight’s boyfriend, didn’t that earn him some kind of right to his merch?
Izuku knows he’s being a dramatic baby about it, but a part of him almost wants to reach out to dekusdumbbf and see if the bidder is some kind of fan of his, and Would they be willing to sell the standee to Izuku instead, since they’re such a big fan? Don’t they want to make him happy?
Woefully, that feels somewhat like bribery or manipulation of some kind so Izuku doesn’t act on it.
Katsuki notices his dejected mood instantly of course, pointing it out constantly with either a shit-eating grin on his face or a worried expression, both of which make Izuku stop acting like a child and simply love his boyfriend for who he is.
Izuku will move on, he knows. He’s just allowing himself some time to mope! Just like he did the first time he lost this standee. He’ll get over it once his birthday arrives, he decides. There. A time limit to his sorrow. Nothing better than that.
His birthday arrives with all the fanfare that his friends have been promising for weeks now. They hold a party in the early afternoon, ending it with a Hero-themed trivia quiz (which Izuku, of course, wins). Katsuki makes him all his favorite foods and snacks, and his friends all give him the most perfect gifts. Izuku didn’t have the happiest birthday celebrations growing up, something that Kacchan knows inherently, which is why he always does the most to make sure Izuku has the Perfect Birthdays.
It's not something Izuku needs from him at all, but it makes Katsuki happy so it makes him happy, too.
Plus, Kacchan really is very good at planning his birthday parties.
After their friends all leave, they spend the day inside, watching one of Izuku’s favorite movies with homemade sweet popcorn. They make out between scenes, and talk about their plans of moving into a bigger home one day, and, finally, Kacchan makes him a gorgeous dinner that ends with Izuku straddling Katsuki and kissing him so hard it leaves slight bruises on Katsuki’s lips.
Kacchan always gives him his birthday presents at the end of the day, wanting to make sure Izuku doesn’t get “distracted” from the actual day itself because he’s too busy fawning over the gifts themselves. Izuku always tells him that he sure does think highly of himself.
So, settling on their bed, Katsuki commands him to wait patiently as he takes out an intricately wrapped rectangular box from the highest shelf in their closet. Izuku had noticed the present two days ago, but he knew Katsuki wasn’t trying to hide it or anything—Izuku would never open a present early anyway; he wanted Kacchan’s plans to go as perfectly as they could.
Katsuki’s face is flushed when he holds out the box for Izuku to take. Izuku tracks the way he swallows, almost nervous.
“Okay, so… this present seems a bit weird on my end, but I know that your nerdy ass will love it. It’s just,” Katsuki lets out a small groan, “fucking embarrassing, okay? But you’re embarrassing and I love you, which makes me even more embarrassing, I guess, I don’t know. Just. Happy birthday, Izuku.”
Izuku stares at him for a few seconds, amused by how insane Kacchan is acting right now, but when Katsuki pointedly looks from Izuku to the present, Izuku takes the hint and finally opens it.
And… right there in his hands is the limited-edition gold Dynamight standee that Izuku’s been secretly tearing up over for losing every single day since The Incident happened.
Dekusdumbbf.
Izuku’s actual boyfriend, Bakugou Katsuki, AKA Pro Hero Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight.
Immediately, Izuku starts crying his eyes out.
“K-Kacchan, I can’t believe , I… I love it, oh my god it’s so much more gorgeous in person, I love you so much, I can’t wait to display it, you’re amazing, Kacchan, I hate you so much.”
Izuku grabs a pillow with his other hand and hits Kacchan's shoulder with it, Katsuki’s eyes widening as he gapes at Izuku. Izuku hits him again and Katsuki’s mouth falls open even more. Izuku wants to fuck him until he can’t think straight. “I hate you! You’re the reason I’ve been contemplating my own morals! I almost went to prison, Kacchan! Prison! ” Izuku hits him again, and Katsuki finally snaps out of it, grabbing his own pillow and hitting Izuku back, making sure not to damage the standee in the process.
“Oi! Watch yourself, Deku, what’s your issue? I thought you’d like it! Haven’t you been complaining for years now how much you wanted this?” Underneath his outrage, Izuku detects the notes of insecurity. Ah.
Izuku puts the pillow down, still crying as he clutches at the box containing the most special of standees to ever exist. He swallows, putting it aside before lurching forward to hug Katsuki tight to him.
“I love it so much, Kacchan. I love you, really. It’s the perfect gift, I swear. I never imagined you’d get this for me… you’re so perfect for me, Kacchan. So good to me. You're always just so good to me.”
All the tension in Katsuki’s body vanishes instantly at the praise, body lax as he gently returns Izuku’s hug, tucking his face into Izuku’s hair and letting out a soft laugh.
“You’re fucking crazy, Izuku. What the hell was that reaction?” He sighs, bringing one of his hands up to ruffle Izuku’s curls. “I’m glad you like it. I can’t believe you’re making me buy stupid ass merch of myself for your birthday. Obsessed with me much?”
Izuku nips lightly at Katsuki’s shoulder, which draws out a pretty gasp for him. Izuku smiles. He sometimes wishes they could live inside each other, their home just one person fit for two.
“Not as obsessed with me as you are, Deku's Dumb BF. How much did you even spend on this again? ¥1,758,662.40 or something? How did you even bid so quickly on it every time?”
Katsuki freezes against his body, which makes Izuku’s smile turn a bit feral. Katsuki pulls away, running a hand through his hair, and Izuku tracks the motion, realizing that if there’s one person he’d ever go to prison for, it will always be Bakugou Katsuki.
“So that’s why you’ve been fucking sulking all week.”
“You’re so mean, Kacchan! I was trying so hard to win it!”
Katsuki smirks at him. “Yeah, well, maybe if you weren’t a little loser, you would’ve. Bet you were trying all on your own just like you always do, right?”
Izuku frowns at him, debating hitting him with the pillow again. He decides on mercy, though, figuring he doesn’t want his prison relationship just quite yet. He thinks about the words instead, hating the annoying smirk on his boyfriend’s face, and then realizes all at once what Katsuki means.
“You… you, cheater. You had people helping you, didn’t you?!”
Katsuki’s smirk grows even more smug. “I employed literally every single one of our friends to help, Deku. I had those shitty extras stationed and working.”
“That’s not fair! It was just me on my end! How am I supposed to win in that case?”
“Maybe now you’ll learn your lesson about taking everything on your own, shitty nerd.”
Izuku huffs, crossing his arms before looking down at the standee and remembering that this belongs to him now. Katsuki got everyone to help him win it, just because he wanted Izuku to be happy. Izuku starts crying again.
“You really are so dumb,” Izuku grumbles through his tears, stomach swooping when Katsuki wipes them away with his hand, “spending that much money when you could have just worked with me to buy it. It was literally just the two of us having that bidding war. How much money did you even waste?”
Katsuki only shrugs, pressing forward to kiss at his teary cheeks. His breath is hot against his skin. “Doesn’t matter. Could’ve been you or some other random loser, I would never have let your perfect present get away from me just like that. Besides,” Katsuki grins against his lips as he catches Izuku in another kiss, “what’s more heroic than paying for some brat’s education? I figured you’d like that, too.”
After Izuku proudly displays the standee in the exact middle of their shelf right there in their living room (Katsuki simply gave him a firm Fuck no when Izuku proposed displaying it in their bathroom), Izuku grabs Katsuki’s hand and leads him back to their bedroom.
He has another present to unwrap, after all.