Work Text:
When he wakes up to be greeted by the white hospital ceiling instead of Hell, Kim Dokja feels a tear rolling down his cheek. He couldn’t even do something as simple as ending his own life, and now is left with consequences he can’t deal with. There’s no way his aunt and uncle will pay the hospital bills - instead, they may even kick him out of their house for being ‘ungrateful’ and ‘troublesome.’
… Maybe he can try again. Later, when he’s recovered enough to get out of bed, he’ll once again jump from the top of the hospital. Seeing how it’s higher than his school and how most of his bones have been broken once, it should be easy to die next time. After that, whether it’s hospital bills, his aunt’s curses, or the bullies at school… none of that would be his problems anymore.
Satisfied with his plan, Dokja weakly takes his phone from the bedside table to read a few last webnovels before death. Just for extra irony, he types ‘survival’ into the search bar with shaky fingers, ready to mock whatever naive, idealistic story shows up.
And then Dokja finds it - Three Ways to Survive the Apocalypse, a story with an asshole protagonist whose only redeeming qualities are his good looks, overpowered skills, and overly optimistic determination. He keeps on regressing over and over in a naive hope that something will change, that things will be right ‘this time.’ It’s the exact stupid plot that Dokja scorns, not to mention the author’s poor writing skills.
Yet, something about this story makes Dokja unable to stop reading. Is it Yoo Joonghyuk’s persistence in believing that he’ll eventually be happy one day? Is it the way he keeps protecting his companions no matter how many times they died? Is it the weird, nagging feeling that this story is written for Dokja only, even though he’s merely a speck of dust in the universe and might not even be on the author’s radar?
Dokja doesn’t know for exact, but what he does know is how, after putting the phone down and wiping his tears, he decides to also try one more time.
Just to see the next chapter and how Yoo Joonghyuk will change things in his next regressions. Just to see if there might be some crazy miracle that can help him pay the bills by himself. Just to see how far he can go, even after all this.
Just one more time.
===
The people in his life are really good at making him feel like garbage, scoffs Dokja after leaving another disastrous meeting with his mother in prison.
He doesn’t know why he even bothers coming back at this point, seeing how she never has anything to say. No matter how much he talks about TWSA, about his life, or attempts to fish out some sympathy by complaining about his difficulties, she never responds. All she does is stare at him with that emotionless gaze. Is it disappointment, irritation, or - dare he hope - guilt? He doesn’t know, because she just won’t explain herself.
The ire from this only adds to his existing frustration about flunking his college exam and finding out that he has been outright stationed on the front line. Perhaps this is the universe’s way of telling him that he should just end this - if Dokja is so incompetent that he can’t kill himself, maybe the soldiers from the opposite side can do that for him.
Now that he remembers, Lee Hyunsung was also in the army, wasn’t he? Perhaps that guy would know best about where to shoot to ensure the enemy’s dead - because Dokja will be sure to bare those body parts to his enemies.
That’s what he planned, and yet Yoo Joonghyuk just has to foil it once more in the latest chapter. The bastard has used his own body as a shield to protect Lee Jihye and Shin Yoosung after Lee Hyunsung unfortunately died from a fatal wound. Here Dokja is, trying to make himself a human target board just for the sake of it, while Yoo Joonghyuk is willing to be a meat shield for other people’s sake.
Dokja grits his teeth. He will be careful and make sure to keep himself alive. He will not throw his life away, not when in the future, someone might benefit from it. He will get through the army and go back to college, trying to survive even with a third-grade degree.
One more time.
If Yoo Joonghyuk can keep regressing one more time, so can he.
===
At least the coffee had already cooled before he threw it at me and it only hit my jacket instead of the white shirt, Dokja mumbles while washing his face in the bathroom.
To think that a corporate office could make him feel worse than the literal front line… But then, on the front line, at least he could get an easy death with no more suffering afterward. Here, people constantly look down on him and whisper among each other when he walks by, passive-aggressively telling him that he’s not included in whatever company outing they have, and never helping him with anything. This feels like a frog being submerged in slowly boiling water, aware that it will die but things just go so torturously slow that it can barely prepare for the feeling until it’s too late.
Yoo Joonghyuk may have to deal with bullshits from constellations, nebulae, and demons alike, but at least that guy doesn’t have to suffer in the cold, heartless corporate world where all kinds of drama can arise just from one time you breathe wrong.
… Who is he kidding, chuckles Dokja with no humor. Of course Yoo Joonghyuk’s situation is much, much worse than his own, incomparable even. And the guy is still as determined to find a good ‘ending’ for himself as ever, even when it’s now his 1700th regression as of the latest chapter.
Is it worth it, though? Not for the first time, Dokja finds himself musing this question again. Is it worth it for Yoo Joonghyuk to keep suffering in ruthless scenarios that will never improve for anyone’s sake; or for Dokja to keep working in this company despite knowing that they hate his guts, only hired him in the first place due to being short-staffed, and won’t renew his contract?
He can’t answer, nor can Yoo Joonghyuk answer for him. All that guy does is keep going.
A notification from his phone drags Dokja out of his trance, and he can’t help the broken laughter from his throat when he sees that tls123 has updated a new chapter. As if that’s not enough, they just have to add the note saying that the chapter is extra long today as a thanks to him, for having supported this story for so long.
Trying not to cry and regain composure, Dokja gets back to his office, feeling happy the rest of that day despite being treated as horribly as always.
Maybe he can still try one more time - if only to keep following tls123 and Yoo Joonghyuk to the end.
===
Yoo Sangah was hard-working when he wasn’t. Instead of blaming her life or others when things went wrong, she kept improving herself with an optimistic attitude throughout it all. That’s why she is kept in the company and even promoted when he isn’t.
Dokja understands all of this. He understands that he could’ve been like her as well, had he tried hard enough. But he didn’t, and so all this was the consequence of his own actions.
Yet, he still can’t keep himself from resenting everything - Yoo Sangah, the people at MinoSoft, his bullies, his parents, and himself.
Maybe it’s precisely because of this attitude that he just can’t go far in life.
Just to add icing on the cake, he only has enough money for one month of rent left. Soon, he will be kicked out of the shabby apartment, left to uselessly fend for himself on the streets, and die in some trash dump.
Just like he deserves.
Mustering whatever strength left to thank tls123 in the final chapter they just posted today, Dokja stands up and walks toward the railway.
After all, TWSA, the one thing he looks forward to every day has ended. There’s no more point in keeping this pathetic life going just to delay his inevitable death. It’s time he finished what he started all those years ago.
It’s so late at night now that no one else is at the station, and there’s only one final train. His death shouldn’t cause too much fuss, and cleaning up his body should be quick as well - all they have to do is burn it or throw it to whatever hungry stray dogs out there.
As if on cue, the train is already arriving. Just a few steps and everything will end.
And yet, why can’t he take those few steps? His legs keep shaking in one place, refusing to budge no matter how much Dokja will them to.
The train passes before his eyes, peacefully going to its next destination, and only then do Dokja’s legs move as they bring him slumping down to the ground.
Hot, angry tears blur his vision as he starts screaming, cursing himself for chickening out, for being so cowardly and useless that he still can’t end himself.
He doesn’t know if he’s started having hallucinations at this point, but somehow, a pair of black boots is walking toward him. A man wearing black, looking exactly like how he imagined Yoo Joonghyuk and not at the same time, is shaking his shoulders.
[You can’t end everything here, Kim Dokja. It’s still too early.]
“Why not?!” Dokja sheds more tears as insane laughter escapes his mouth - to think he’s now arguing with his own hallucination of Yoo Joonghyuk. “Do you know how many years I’ve been trying ‘one more time’ since I first found your story? Yet, it never gets better!! What’s the point if all I’m doing is uselessly prolonging my life past its expiration date?!”
Is it just his eyes, or the Yoo Joonghyuk hallucination is also crying? [... My story took 1863 tries to reach its conclusion. The times you tried are nowhere near that long. That’s why it’s still too early, Kim Dokja. You can still keep going.]
How naive. How irritatingly optimistic. This is exactly what that bastard protagonist he knows would say before regressing yet again.
But then…
Why does he still want to believe in those words?
“... But I don’t have the strength to try anymore, Yoo Joonghyuk. Your story has ended. There’s nothing more I can look forward to and get motivated from.” Dokja’s voice is barely above a whisper from sheer exhaustion.
Is he also imagining the warmth from that hand holding his own?
[You can read it again, Kim Dokja. Just because my story has ‘ended,’ doesn’t mean you have to put it down forever.]
The Yoo Joonghyuk hallucination pulls him up with what looks like a desperate expression - from what his tear-filled eyes can see, at least. [Read it again and keep trying. Just one more time. And I’ll always be with you, no matter what.]
Are you really?
Yoo Joonghyuk, can I trust what you say?
Before Dokja can ask those questions, his vision has cleared up, revealing nothing but an empty train station. There’s no black boots and black-clad man, no warm hands squeezing his own tightly, no voice asking him to keep trying.
Yet…
Once again, he wants to believe in those naive words. After all, his life has already hit rock bottom, so there’s no other way than to go up. If it’s already ruined beyond salvage, it can’t hurt to try again.
“One more time,” Dokja whispers to himself, and wonders if he’s hallucinating again when a deep voice replies, sounding like it’s coming from his heart.
[Yes, Kim Dokja. One more time.]