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“Aren’t you ashamed ?”
His brother's words ring through his body again and again. Ricocheting through the air of the suddenly cool kitchen. Those words coming out of his brother's mouth felt so alien. Akihiko, ashamed ? He was his brother's pride and joy, he loved Akihiko more than anything in the world … right ?
Or maybe that was no longer true. As Akihiko met his brother's eyes they appeared as glassed over empty pools of black. A recognisable look but one never directed at himself. It was the look he gave the “others”. Akihiko didn’t want to believe it as his body seemed to collapse into itself at the realisation. This couldn’t be him He wasn’t like the others.
Suddenly, with a flash, Akihiko's mind took him to himself as a small child, in the same dark kitchen, but messier, dustier and colder. Loud noises by dark figures that Akihiko couldn’t quite make out, as he pushed himself further and further into the corner of the kitchen, wanting to escape this house, this world, this life.
Until there was light, a warmth enveloping him, two arms, small but strong and dependable picking him and taking him to his bedroom, still slightly scared little Akihiko kept his eyes firmly shut and nestled deep into the figures chest.
Although he couldn’t see, he knew that his brother was with him. Whenever Akihiko got hurt, sad, hungry, tired or happy, his brother was always there with him. To give him whatever he needed. To be whoever he needed him to be.
Even now at midnight, when they both had school the next day, his brother stayed by his bedside making sure his younger sibling went to sleep peacefully.
Akihiko was young, there were still many things about the word he didn’t understand, but one thing he did know was that when the other kids at school talked about their older siblings, they did not sound like Akihiko’s.
Akihiko's brother worked harder and loved Akihiko immeasurably, he was more of a father than a brother. This he knew, it was why he couldn't quite figure out yet.
“Brother” He asked quietly from his pillows
His brother looked at him with eyes still so young yet already so strong and dependable
“Why is our family so different to other people’s, why do you stay and look out for me instead of playing outside with the other big kids ?”
He pulled the sheets further up the smaller figure, tucking in him and ruffling his hair slightly.
“Don’t worry about being different from other people, Akihiko.” He said quietly
“People who are different go on to do great things, as long as we work hard and stay ambitious.”
He got up off the floor walking towards the door
“It’s getting late, you need your sleep, so I’ll wake you up a little bit later for school okay.”
As he watched his brother leave the room. Akihiko pondered over the words, not quite understanding what they meant but kept them close as the rhythm of his brother's footsteps down the hall lulled him to sleep.
The memory lapsed on Akihiko's mind coming so quickly yet leaving in a split second merging into another one
Akihiko held his brother's hand as they walked through the busy Friday afternoon streets. He was still very young, but older than the first memory. Both boys waited in their school uniforms at the bus stop.
Restless, little Akihiko started wandering around the small bus stop, making little games in his head, while his brother stared intensely at a school workbook. As Akihiko walked a little bit further down the road, he got to a new dessert shop, the array of ice creams moulded to look like vibrant animals, Akihiko put his hands on the screen looking in awe, and watched as other kids went in with their parents.
After a few moments of indulgence Akihiko moved away from the window, he knew he wasn’t supposed to ask for things like these, it wasn’t something that his family did, but as he heard the laughter from the store he couldn’t help but feel sad. As soon as the feeling came his brother was beside him, crouching down to his younger brother's height.
“Oh, sorry big brother I shouldn't have wandered off, is the bus almost here ?”
"It’s okay, the bus isn't coming for a while”
He lifted his head towards the shop window
“Would you like one ?”
Akihiko shook his head, knowing that his brother needed to get home to study, not wanting to be a burden. Although as he shook his head his eyes still stayed focused on the shop windows and the vibrant ice cream animals. Noticing his brother's interest, Daiki laughed and shook his head slightly.
“Come on, let's go inside.” The boys entered and Akihiko chose his dessert, whilst he ate at the table Akihiko watched his brother, who didn’t order anything, still intently writing in his book.
“Daiki, don’t you want to eat anything ?”
His brother looked up from the book
“No I’m fine, I need to keep studying”
Yet Akihiko could see how tired his brother was, his voice sounded weak as he spoke even though he tried to conceal it, Akihiko could physically see the sacrifices his brother was making.
“Here” Akihiko said pushing the bowl towards his brother
“Aki-”
“It’s a lot of ice cream anyway.” Not letting his brother finish
“Lets share it”
Memory after memory played itself through Akihiko's mind, of all of the things that his brother had done for him throughout his life. Not having as many friends, or practically any social life because he was looking after Akihiko. Never having a girlfriend. Checking over Akihiko's school work, making him lunch.
It was as if - It was as if he had indebted his whole life to making sure that his little brother was okay, and all that he asked in return was that Akihiko worked hard. That he made something of himself, someone that he could be proud of.
Something so small, so simple, a request not a demand, and yet Akihiko realised that he was selfish. Who was he to slack off and not get good grades, striving to be what his brother wanted, was the least that he could do.
The weight of this realisation crushed him down. Realising what he needed to do Akihiko kneeled down at his brothers, his head reaching the floor hoping that his guilt reached him.
He heard his brother's footsteps stop and turn towards him and once again, like all those years ago the cold kitchen turned warm at his brother's presence, the warmth enveloping him, making him feel safe.
“Akihiko don’t cry, raise your head”
And Akihiko felt his brother's warmth once again, knowing that as long as he stayed on the right path, it would never leave him.