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“I thought pirating was supposed to be fun and adventurous..” Atsushi grumbles to themself as they continue to read the same book they’ve been reading on and off for the past..week? They had lost practically all sense of time all while they avoided the upper deck and ended up laying around in their bed for most of the day. They had nearly every single word memorized, every page and even what the translation notes said..which was unfortunate since it was just a book filled with pirates of old bragging about how they had seen all these places and killed all these people. It disgusted Atsushi to read about such people, but there wasn’t much else to read. It’s not like the greatest and most feared ship on the ocean had a library that was down the hall. They had already asked that question then gotten laughed at. They weren’t about to ask about something like that again, at least not until after all the jokes about them finally were forgotten. They were dying to read another book, something new and fresh, for a while now, but apparently, most of the pirates on board couldn’t read, except for the rare few. Because of it, books weren’t something that was kept on board and was now causing Atsushi to question their own damn sanity.”I’m sure there’s other reasons why books aren’t kept on ships..” They say without thinking while they reread about a pirate explaining in just a bit too much detail about a person he had beheaded. It made them shiver every time they put themself in the pirates shoes and tried to imagine doing such a thing. “Maybe I should go into Chuuya’s quarters and see if he has a book I could read. I need something..Or at least if he doesn’t have anything, he’s always fun to talk to.” They mutter to themself before pausing and sighing. ‘And now I’m talking to myself.’ They rub the bridge of their nose and slips their boots back on. ‘Perhaps I can see if I can reread the Brethern’s code..maybe that’ll be helpful since the Government is so determined to bring pirates everywhere.’ They look out the window then sighs when they see pretty much nothing. The water looked like an odd color, but they convinced themself that it was just a trick of the light and nothing else.
Last they asked, it had been about three days since the ship and its crew arrived in Fyodor Dostoyvsky’s locker to retrieve Dazai, who seemed to have lost even more of his already low sanity and wasn’t exactly happy to see them again..which they guess they could understand. He wasn’t exactly a sight for sore eyes either. Either way, once Chuuya had managed to convince Dazai to get back on board..someone’s ship? They were still confused as to who’s ship the Peal actually was, but they weren’t about to open that can of worms by asking. That seemed like far more trouble than it was worth. Once everyone was on board, the crew set off to heaven knows where. Atsushi surely didn’t know and was simply keeping most of their questions to themself as to not cause anymore fights.
(One night during dinner, Atsushi had asked Ryunosuke how they were going to get back to the land of the living. It wasn’t until after a massive outbreak of the crew shouting and Chuuya then shouting back to calm everyone down were they finally let in on the fact that the captain(s?) had no idea and hadn’t told the crew yet. They had never seen Chuuya so willing to strangle them before since meeting him and had promptly excused themself to bed so as to not cause anymore problems by accident.)
The unknown of how to get back home certainly hadn’t been helping them try and restore conversation with Ryunosuke, as he pointedly refused to speak to them. Ever since setting sail, Ryunosuke had said maybe a handful of words to them and wouldn’t even come to bed with them anymore. Previous days of constant subtle affection (or at least the two liked to think it was subtle) and engaging conversations had been now brought to a dead, agonizing stop with a somber silence coming from them both when they were in the same room together. It was eating them alive as to why he was so upset with them when they hadn’t even felt like they had done anything wrong! They figured that it was most likely because of them sacrificing Dazai to Fyodor’s Kraken, but they had plenty of reasons of doing so..if he had only asked them about it. In their mind, it was going to save themself, their love and the crew, and guess what happened? Exactly what they thought would! They all lived..except for Dazai, which ended up causing this trek just to get him. Who knew Dazai was actually this important to cause Ryunosuke being forced to steal some sort of sacred maps while Chuuya and themself went to ask one of his friends for a crew and ship.
It was safe to say, however, that they didn’t exactly regret being the one to get Dazai to be killed, but they were starting to feel like they should, which was troublesome just to even think about. “That stupid man.” They mutter under their breath as they slip on their coat then goes above deck. Immediately, they could see a difference from the water now compared to what it was just a few minutes ago.
It was a change in scenery, which was very much appreciated, but that appreciation did not last long at all when they realized that it was people in the water, not some sort of sea creature like they first thought. ‘And here I was hoping it was night jellies.’ They think to themself with a huff. They continue to watch as the people underwater are followed by people in boats, making them even more confused. They look across the deck and spot their fiance, bringing a small smile to their face even at the sight of him seemingly threatening someone. ‘He’s probably threatening to shoot Kaji in the face right now and he’d still look as handsome as ever while doing it.’ They think to themself dreamily before quietly making their way over to him. They could see his stance change when he realizes someone’s walking over to him then realizing it was just Atsushi. He looked more guarded before, but now he looked more open, more friendly, dare they say. They stand behind him then rests their hand on his shoulder, rubbing it for just a moment before they stop and look out at the water. ‘He didn’t flinch this time.’ They think with a small smile, their smile growing when he raises his hand and instead of pushing them away, rests it on top of theirs. ‘I love you,’ Said his actions and body language, although now it was a bit more guarded since there were more people coming onto deck to watch. They decide to help him be less tense and kiss his cheek. ‘I love you more,’ Was their reply before looking at his face. They could see a faint blush on his cheeks as he looked out at the water. They follow his gaze then slowly rests their head on their hands that were now clasped together.
Thankfully for them, Atsushi didn’t see any face that they recognized as the boats passed by. It looked like there were hundreds, if not thousands of people inside the small boats. The people in the boats didn’t even seem to be aware of the large ship they were floating past, that there were people watching or even where they were. Instead, they kept their eyes straight forward. Some of the boats had two inside, some holding each other, some just sitting shoulder to shoulder as they watched the water with unseeing eyes. There wasn’t a single wound nor blemish on their bodies that could be seen. They looked creepily similar to the dolls they used to play with when they were far younger. The beautiful porcelain dolls with faces built with love and careful not to put a single blemish on the face of the girl they had now created. ‘Yes, that is exactly what they look like.’ They decide, watching as the boat floats out of their view.
It unnerved Atsushi greatly but not as much as the next boat. Two people sat inside and were seemingly lovers from the embrace the two shared. It was eerily similar to the one they shared with Ryunosuke, their hands clasped together and one head on the other's shoulder. They could feel Ryunosuke tense up when he saw the two as well. He turns his head and kisses their forehead. “One day..that will be us. I will not cross onto the otherside without you, my pearl.” He whispers. “I will hold you like I do now as we find a new adventure in paradise.” Atsushi couldn’t help but smile at Ryunosuke’s words as they both watched the lovers in a boat float past. Just like the others on boats, there wasn’t a single blemish or emotion on their faces, just watching the water ahead with doll-like eyes. Unseeing and empty. “Is it strange to say they remind me much of my old dolls?” They ask Ryunosuke, the two watching as a set of twins now floated past, still in their nightclothes but not an ounce of fear on their face. “I would not believe so, my moon, as I would say the very same thing.They look perfect, not an injury or flaw in sight. It unnerves me, if I’m being frank.” Atsushi nods as they listen. “I couldn’t have said it better myself, my ruby. They look..cold. Almost dead..” Ryunosuke nods and holds them just a little bit closer.
“What is this? What is happening to these people..?” Atsushi finally asks as they scan the water a few moments later. Right as Ryunosuke was about to reply back, they sharply gasp. There, in a boat just like the rest, was a face they thought they would’ve never seen again. “Is that..?” They whisper, seemingly lost for words as they step closer to the edge of the ship for a better look. “It is..That’s..What’s my father doing here?” Immediately, Ryunosuke walks over as quickly as he could and stands behind them, pulling them into a hug from behind as he scans the boats as quickly as he could. “Where. Where is he?” He says in a quiet voice, baffled that they could possibly see him here of all places. It took him just a few moments to piece together what he was seeing. “There! He’s right down there!” Atsushi takes Ryunosuke’s hand then points it in their father’s general direction, a smile starting to form on their face.
“He’s come back! He’s back for us, for me!” They say happily. “Oh, I can’t believe it! He told me he wouldn’t solve any more of my issues the next he would see of me! I cannot believe he changed his mind! Ryunosuke, we’re back! We’re home! I can’t wait to be home!” They turn around to face their love with a blinding smile.
The last time they had seen their father and spoken to him was when he attempted to save them from the death they had been convicted of. Punishment for loving a man who was a pirate. Punishment for befriending not only a pirate, but a well known pirate and punishment for considering themself a man and wearing clothing for a man and not for them. It had been one slap in the face by the next. And it all happened on their wedding day, the day that they were supposed to be happy and in love but instead was in shackles and yelling declarations of love to their soon-to-be husband. They had been so close, but they still had to wait longer to be able to proudly call themself the wife of Akutagawa Ryunosuke and call themself Akutagawa Atsushi. Soon, but not that day. Thrown into jail on their wedding day, they had expected to be left there for dead. They had expected their father to show up, but not do what he did. They thought he was going to taunt them, spit on them then tell them to toss their filthy pride aside and go to the gallows where they belonged. Where animals such as themself are put to rest and finally rid the town of the curse of being around their existence.
But he didn’t.
No, instead he unlocked their cell and comforted them. He wiped away their tears and told them that he was going to make everything alright, so they didn’t need to worry. He then helped them up and grabbed their arm before pulling them out of their cell, away from the mocking cat-calls of the perverted men and the cold, unforgiving cell and back to the safety that their father brought. Only in public were they safe from being harmed when by their fathers side. He always scared everyone away and kept them safe. They had hated it when they were younger but grew to appreciate it. He threw his once terrifying coat over their shoulder and explained the plan they knew wasn’t going to work as the two walked quickly to the nearby carriage that father must’ve put there in advance. The two had argued about the plan all the way to the carriage until they stopped when father shouted that he refused to watch them walk to the gallows. He had then pushed them into the carriage and was forced to listen to them shout arguments back about how this wasn’t making their chances of going to the gallows any better.
(After being stolen by pirates then finding a passion out at sea, they had learned pretty quickly that if you didn’t use your words to stand up for yourself, you’re just going to get walked all over. The first time they had snapped back against their fathers words, there was a glimmer of surprise mixed with pride. It was the first time he had praised them for talking back, for saying what they felt was right. What they didn’t know, however, was during their ride to the informant, their father was smiling while they shouted at him for him to stop and let them both come up with a better plan. He knew then and there that his child was going to be fine without him for whatever was to come. He knew they were just going to run off with the pirates and cause more trouble, but he didn’t care. He had seen how happy they were when he had seen just a brief glance of them pirating with the rest of those misfits. He knew that was their place, not in some fancy building.)
Atsushi wasn’t too sure as to what happened after the carriage came to a stop as they had slipped away under the idea of it being able to lead them to safety. They had a feeling it was all a trap and besides, they had someone they needed to talk to..especially with their gun. It was the least they could do after their wedding was ruined due to the commander. All in all, the conversation had gone far better than expected, especially since they got to leave with their life. After that, they had gone out to find Jack and had been on the water ever since.
..It was odd, but for the first time in their life, they felt a glimmer of excitement to see their father. Yes, he had hurt them..very badly. The abuse he forced onto them was practically torture but they had lived. It didn’t matter that the torture would’ve broken anyone, it made them strong, in a twisted way. It was thanks to him that they now knew that they could live being stabbed by the stick in the fire not once, but numerous times.
(They had told that story to Ryunosuke one night when they were too awake to sleep but too sleepy to do anything. The two were shirtless and were pointing out scars to each other when Ryunosuke’s thumb landed on the raised scars that still looked full of puss. He had asked what the story behind that was. Atsushi saw that with each word they spoke, the anger in Ryunosuke’s eyes grew until he couldn’t take anymore and silenced them with multiple kisses. The rest of the night was of Ryunosuke kissing every inch of their body, silencing them with a kiss each time they asked what he was doing. They had never felt so loved in all their life. They had spoken it aloud by accident and were embarrassed as to doing such a thing. Right as they were about to apologize, Ryunosuke told them that he would do whatever he could until the end of time to make them feel just as loved or even more loved than they do in this moment.)
So when they looked their father in their eyes and saw the usual look of displeasure mixed with anger, they couldn’t help but smile. It felt so right, like..home. The rage that seemed to live inside of their father was a beast that they feared yet didn’t feel right by being away from it. They knew it didn’t sound very healthy, but that was all they had known. There had to be love inside of that raging beast.
“We’re not back yet, Atsushi..” Dazai says quietly, making their smile falter. Determined, they slowly stepped away from Ryunosuke and started to follow after the boat that held their father.
“Father! Father, look me in my eyes! It’s your son! It’s me, can’t you see me?! I’ve got the same dreadful hair and eyes! The beast-like ones, remember!” They cry out even louder than before, waiting for the figure to respond. ‘Beast-like’ was something he had always called them. From their eyes, their hair, their weight even, it was always thrown at them. It was always things he wanted them to change but yet they couldn’t. In the past, when they had called themself his boy or his son, he would resort to violence to put them back in their place. “You belong in the woman’s position,” He would say. “I am simply helping you prepare for when you will have a husband who won’t be as merciful as I am to you. Remember this. Remember how I struck you until you bled then cleansed you like you were still a child.” It had messed with their head years ago, but slowly, Ryunosuke had pulled them out of that mindset that they deserved to be beat for everything and must be to simply live. Even before they confessed their love to each other, he had been so kind to them. It was something they weren’t sure if they could ever live without.
It was a few long minutes before the man finally looked over at Atsushi, seemingly in a daze. “Beast-ful?” He asks, his voice nearly being carried away in the wind from how quiet it was. Atsushi was able to catch it somehow and was smiling once more at him finally speaking back. “Yes! Yes, that’s me! Can’t you see it? My hair is just as ugly as before!” They yank a little bit on the long tail that was left after an unfortunate attempt at a haircut at the beginning of all of this. They could feel Ryunosuke’s hand slowly start to play with their hair, almost like he was trying to reassure them that nothing about them was ugly just without using words. It made them relax for a moment.
It didn’t deter them though, not when their father finally looked at them, a look filled with regret and one that Atsushi certainly wasn’t expecting. “Atsushi..Are you dead?” He calls out, finally finding his voice. Atsushi shakes their head quickly, trying to find their voice as quickly as they can. “I’m alive! I swear, I’m alive! Everything you did for me wasn’t all for nothing!” They shout back, holding onto the nearby ropes as they trail after their father and get just a bit further away from Ryunosuke.
For the first time in their life, their father smiled at them…almost lovingly. It caught them off guard. ‘Is this a dream? This must be..’ They think to themself. “I think I am..” Father calls out, pulling them from their thoughts while the smile stays on his face. ‘This is real..and this isn’t just another nightmare..’ Atsushi’s face falls into a look of pure horror. “No! No, you can’t be! You have to be alive, please don’t lie!” Father just chuckles softly, nothing like the laugh they would occasionally hear. It sounded more..real. Not as forced or faked as usual. They couldn’t decide on if it was his behavior or how tired he looked that creeped them out so much. “There..there was a chest, Atsushi. It’s something they guarded and held in very high regard. They were desperately protecting it. There’s always at least two people watching over it, protecting it as if it mattered more than anything. It was very odd looking..nothing like the chests we had back home, Atsushi. It’s important to them. If it’s taken, they would crumble. Atsushi, are you listening to me? You must listen to me. My words mean more than the air you breathe right now.” Atsushi nods again, tears starting to fill their eyes. “I’m listening, I swear to it! Please, come aboard and you can tell me! You can hit me for running away, too! I deserve it, don’t I? Anything, please! Just come aboard!” They pleaded, holding onto the rope next to them even tighter so they didn’t slip and fall. Their hands were trembling so badly, they could’ve sworn it was shaking the whole rope they clung to pathetically. They just needed him to come with them. They needed him to shout at them, to feel his calloused hands on their skin. Slapping them, grabbing their hair or pulling them by their arm, they didn’t care! They needed it, craved it. They had done far too much wrong and needed to be put into their place.
“There was a heart, Atsushi,” Father continued, ignoring their desperation-filled pleas and kept looking at them with those lifeless eyes they knew would haunt them in their nightmares once more. “I learned that if you stab the heart, your own must take its place. They rip it out of you and force it into the chest. The Dutchman must always have a captain. Promise me you won’t dare to touch the heart. Don’t search for it, don’t ask about it. You are not strong enough to sail for an eternity, Atsushi. Promise me you won’t do such a heinous thing.” Atsushi nods, taking every word in like they were breathing air, like they needed it to live. “I won’t! I swear, I’ll never touch it! I’m too much of a coward to do that, right? Just come aboard, please! I need you! I need you so badly, come aboard!”
They look around frantically for someone close by or a rope. “Cast a line! Hurry, we haven’t much time!” They shout at Tachihara, who was leaning on the masts’ pole nearby and watching everything fall into place. He snaps into position and nods before quickly looking for a line. Atsushi watches before walking up the ship more, keeping their eyes on their father. “Come with us! Please! You know so much, you’ll be so helpful!” They yell, attempting to rub his ego enough where he would be willing to do such a thing. He couldn’t be dead, it was simply impossible. “You wanted to spread the word of the Lord, remember? I’m sure you’d do wonderful! Just come with us!” They yell before leaping down from the side of the ship and rushing over to Tachihara, snatching the rope from his hands. They then run back over to the edge of the boat and throw one end of the rope as far as they could towards their father. A glimmer of hope sparked when the rope landed right next to him, giving him plenty of the line to grab onto to pull himself back to the boat.
“Take the rope! Take it and come with us, with me!” They shout holding onto the side of the rope they had as tight as they could in anticipation for the sudden weight they would be pulling onboard. They wouldn’t even care if they did it just by themself, but they knew it had to be done. Instead, their father continued to speak, almost like he didn’t see the rope and simply just didn’t care. “Go home, Atsushi..Go home and find someone to settle down with. Start a family and have children until you cannot anymore. Do your God-given right and become the person you were meant to become.” He doesn’t break his gaze from Atsushi, looking straight into their watery eyes as they attempt to hold in their sobs. “Make me proud, Atsushi..Make me more proud of you than I already am.” Atsushi crumbles visibly for a moment as they wipe their face on their sleeve, their unwavering grip on the rope continuing. “Stop speaking! Stop it now! You are being cruel to me! Just take the line and now! Put me in my place, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I don’t know what you would want me to do!” They yell, shaking the rope a little as tears freely roll down their face. They were sad, of course, but they were angry too. He had lectured them so many times about abandoning their post, their place in life, while they grew up and now he thought he could do that too? “You’re being a hypocrite!! Stop being selfish and just take the rope!”
“I love you, my daughter. Be free.” He says as the rope slowly falls off his boat and floated limp in the water.
All the memories of the man in that boat ahead of them flashed in front of their eyes, reviewing each memory as fast as it could manage. They started positive before taking a sharp turn to negative. The time he had carried them home from playing in the garden, personally buying them a beautiful necklace they had been looking at for weeks, sparing their now fiance’s life, saving them and attempting to rescue him..but also beating them for daring to stutter over their words, long lessons after goofing off during a party with another group of girl, denying them meals, burning them not once but multiple times with the poker, forcing them to pour still red coals on their feet. There was still so much negative, it outweighed the positive by a long shot and made it harder to see the positive.
They…They had good memories of him..right? Of him loving and caring for them like he should, looking after his daughter and treating her like a human, but they couldn’t see it. They couldn’t see anything that made them more desperate to get to him. They couldn’t find anything that made him not a risk and a father like the people in their books.
But there was a chance to change that! They just had to save him and maybe, just maybe, he’d thank them and give them the loving memories they craved, maybe even deserved!!
Once more, Atsushi looks around the ship, but this time to find the highest spot on the boat. If they found a good spot to jump, they could climb into his boat and take them both back to the ship! It was a perfect plan and it would practically guarantee he would thank them and praise them!
They could feel the crew’s confused gaze on them as they climbed onto the edge of the ship, rope still in hand. It was only after they started to tie the rope around their waist that the other’s must’ve figured out what they were doing. They distantly heard Nikolai shriek “They must not leave the ship! It means certain doom if they do!” but it didn’t discourage them. In fact, it spurred them on, making them more determined to do this and to do it right before someone could stop them. They tie the rope tight, making sure it hurts to even breath, then look out at the water before tossing some of the slack back so they could climb back on board easier. They looked their father in his eyes and felt that familiar anger burn back up when he wasn’t even looking at them anymore.
“You cannot expect to leave me like this! How cruel can you possibly be?!” They shout, ignoring the rush of footsteps and tugs of the rope around their waist. Only one person touched them physically, hands rubbing their own in an attempt to get them to let go of the rope they were clinging to next to their body.
“Goodbye, Atsushi. Hell will be the only place where you belong. Let your monstrous soul finally give in and burn in the flames of your regret. I’ll see your love for your mother..I’m sure she would dread to hear such a plague is still alive.” Finally, something cruel, something they could latch onto. Something that would stop them from helping a dead man who wished to do nothing with them. They could finally let go of him and his words. “I hate you!” They shout, opening their mouth to say more hurtful words similar to the ones they heard constantly growing up but instead was pulled off the ledge and into the arms of their fiance and safely tucked away into his chest. He watched as they fought to get away before slowly giving up and just sobbing into his arms. Ryunosuke was safe, Ryunosuke was comforting and most importantly, someone who loved them and they loved back.
“I have you. I won’t ever let you go, I swear.” Ryunosuke whispers, rubbing Atsushi’s back as they wail and hug him tight. He looks up with a glare when he hears people walk closer but softens it when he sees it was just Chuuya, Dazai and Nikolai. “Was there even a way?” He asks Nikolai, who had a grim look on his face. He just shakes his head.
“No. He was at peace. His soul just wished to taunt them one last time.” He says quietly.
Ryunosuke stifles a sigh and nods, scooping Atsushi up into his arms and slowly walking them to their quarters. He could tell it was going to be a rough night from the way that Atsushi was crying, however he was prepared to face it all. He was ready to not sleep if it meant being able to comfort them during their nightmares. He slowly sat down on their shared bed then kissed Atsushi’s forehead. “I love you so..” He whispers then slowly takes both of their boots off before laying down in bed, hugging his love close to him. “I’m sorry..” He gently rubs their back then rubs their waist where the rope had been. It had been cut away to make things easier, but a faint red mark could already be seen.
“Please don’t be..” Atsushi weak voice whispered in reply. “I’ve never seen that man express so many emotions in all my life. I think this’ll be what I need to just..give him up.” Ryunosuke nods as he listens, stroking their hair like he would for a cat. He knew it was what Atsushi loved, especially during times like these where they needed comfort more than anything right now. “Just think..soon, we’ll be back and we’ll be able to go wherever we want.” He whispers, watching as they untuck their head from his chest then sniffles with a smile. “Even Tortuga?” They ask, making him snort. “Sure..I’m sure Dazai wouldn’t mind another visit to Tortuga. I don’t understand why you love that island so much.” Atsushi just giggles before yawning quietly. “Get some sleep, my pearl. I’ll never let you go for as long as I live. That I promise.” Atsushi nods and kisses him before snuggling under the covers with him. “Missed you..I love you.” They whisper before dozing off to sleep. He smiles softly and watches them sleep. It felt like just a few minutes but it could’ve been hours before he finally replied.
“I missed you too..and I love you far more.” He whispers under the silence of the night and for just the moon and her stars to hear him. “Rest well..I’ll always keep you safe. I’d give my life for yours..” He smiles then finally closes his eyes and falls asleep. Tomorrow would be rough, he already knew this, but he had a trip to Tortuga to plan with his fiance..and he truly wouldn’t have it any other way.