Work Text:
Dime Novel
Sometimes Hell truly turned out to be the most annoying place ever, and Mammon was tired of the eternal power struggles. But as the King of Greed, he ruled over a vast empire of wealth and treasures and had many duties to perform. His ring was not only a symbol of abundance but also a monument to avarice. Every gemstone, every coin, and every artifact ever lost or stolen eventually found its way back to Mammon’s treasure chambers. Yet despite his immense wealth and boundless influence, there was something that meant even more to Mammon. Namely, Greed’s greatest and most precious treasure: his mate Bernard.
Bernie was a special demon, whose soul, trapped in a robotic body, was deeply connected to the King of Greed.
Lately, Mammon often had to travel to expand his riches and keep the affairs of his ring running. During this time, Bernie stayed in their magnificent home, the Golden Tower, a large fortress deep in the center of the ring. Unlike Mammon, Bernie had no passion for wealth. He was a reserved dreamer who preferred to spend his time creating content for the Hellnet, trying out new recipes, and listening to music. Something all of Greed admired him for. Mammon was reluctant to leave him alone for long and preferred to take Bernie everywhere he went. But this was not always possible, and for Bernie’s safety, he preferred to leave him behind in certain cases. Too often his precious gem had been injured... However, Bernie had recently discovered a new hobby that seemed to make the waiting time easier for him... namely reading. What books exactly Mammon did not know, but they had to be special stories since he guarded them like a treasure. It seemed a bit strange to him, but as long as his gem could escape into the world of fantasy while Mammon was away, he had no objection.
**
The smoky sky of Greed shimmered in countless shades of green as Mammon stepped through the doors of his tower. His long black coat billowed behind him as he entered the foyer, holding his heavy briefcase full of new contracts he had signed during his last business trip. All in all, it had been a successful trip, and he was proud of his achievements. This month, Greed was strong in the Ring.
"King Mammon, welcome back!" called Larson, who managed the tower in his absence, bowing deeply. Mammon nodded curtly. His thoughts were already with Bernie, whom he wanted to see and embrace again after the long time apart.
He quickly crossed through the elevator doors of his tower and went up. Nervously, he tapped his foot and glanced at the large golden watch on his wrist, counting the seconds until he reached his apartment. As soon as the doors opened with a PING, he dashed out, past golden statues, sparkling chandeliers, and the expensive furnishings of the living room. He tossed his coat and briefcase carelessly onto the large leather couch. At that moment, only one thing mattered to him: Bernie. He finally reached the music room, Bernie’s favorite spot, but he paused when he found the room empty, his excitement faltering. Where was his cheeky little robot? One by one, Mammon searched the rooms and eventually found him... in their lush bedroom decorated in green and gold tones.
There Bernie sat, nestled in a deep, fur-covered armchair, intensely reading a book. Mammon could see his eyes flying over the pages, and he was thoughtfully chewing on his thumb—one of his endearing tics. Mammon smiled at the sight and cleared his throat, but there was no reaction. Not even when he approached, casting a shadow over his face.
“Bernie, I’m back,” he said finally in a gentle yet firm voice. Bernie jumped at that, snapped the book shut, and hid it behind his back.
“Oh! You are already back! W-Welcome!” he stammered, making Mammon frown and step closer.
“What are you reading again?” he asked curiously.
Bernie hastily shook his head, still trying to hide the book.
“N-Nothing!” he replied evasively. “Just a novel!”
But Mammon was not so easily fooled. He crossed his arms suspiciously and smirked. Then he made a quick move, tipped the chair, and grabbed the book. Bernie gasped in horror and reached for the novel.
“No! Don’t! It is mine!”
“And it will stay that way. I just want to see what scandalous thing you’re hiding from me.”
“It is nothing! Really! Give it back!”
But Mammon didn’t oblige. He skillfully dodged Bernie’s hands and held the book high above his head. Whatever it was, Bernie was making quite a fuss about it. It must be a particularly good book. Especially if he missed the moment of Mammon’s return for it…
“Then let me see,” he joked and scrutinized the book more closely. It looked surprisingly cheaply produced. Almost homemade, with a cheesy cover showing a crown and a few screws on a table draped in silk... the title was no less pathetic, and Mammon had to laugh. “The King and His Squire?? Bernie! I’m shocked! What kind of trash are you reading?” Chuckling, Mammon flipped through the pages and stopped short... because on the pages he found his name. And Bernie’s name!
Wait!
Mammon began to read, his eyes widening in shock. It was an erotic love story where he and Bernie were the main characters! The words were full of passion and intimacy that even made Mammon blush. What the heck...?
He quickly closed the book again and discovered the author’s name on the cover: Larson. None other than Mammon’s personal assistant. A demon known for his sharp mind... not his literary skills.
“Larson wrote this?!” Mammon exclaimed, a mixture of outrage and suspicion in his voice. “What bullshit is this? How dare he write such a thing!?”
Bernie swallowed nervously before meekly admitting, “ W- Well... I commissioned it…”
Mammon stared at him speechlessly.
“YOU commissioned THIS? You allowed others to write about our lives!?”
“Technically, they are not writing about our lives...! It is about a king and his squire... who get closer in an abandoned cabin in the woods after being attacked by bandits~” He got a dreamy look, and Mammon’s jaw dropped. Was he serious?! That’s what he imagined?!
“Urg, Bernie! Don’t dodge the issue! You know exactly what I mean!”
“I-I just wanted something to remind me of you when you a re away,” Bernie justified himself, raising his hands placatingly. “These stories are my way of coping with your absence…”
Mammon was torn, caught between anger and disbelief. Of course, he was happy that Bernie missed him. It was the same for him... but that he resorted to these perverted pulp novels? And even commissioned them? From Larson of all damons?!
“This is too much! I can’t allow our private life to be laid out so openly. So that’s it! No more kings and squires!”
Bernie’s eyes widened in horror, and he approached Mammon, trying to grab the book Mammon held out of reach.
“No! You don’t understand! These stories are important to me. They-they... um... give me comfort and make the time without you bearable. Please don’t take that away from me.”
“Comfort?! Bernie, that’s pornography!”
Bernie’s circuits hissed at that, and his face turned as red as if it would explode.
“It is not! Not entirely, at least. S-See it as a tribute! We are known and loved here in Hell. People like us as a couple. And... they write stories about us.”
That was like a slap in the face, and Mammon let his shoulders drop.
“They do WHAT?! Are you saying this isn’t the only one?!”
“This is the only one! At least in printed form.”
“And what does that mean?!”
Bernie hesitated, looking terribly nervous as he shifted from foot to foot, tugging at his top. Then he sighed and looked aside sheepishly.
“Larson told me about it... I caught him reading such a story. On the Hellnet. It is called fanfiction... people write stories about all sorts of things. And... and some about us. They call us ‘Bermon’,” Bernie explained timidly, while Mammon slowly but surely felt the ground slipping from under his feet, not knowing what to get more upset about.
“So there are... countless SUCH stories about us out there?”
“Oh yes!” A sudden gleam appeared in Bernie’s eyes, but Mammon couldn’t share his enthusiasm.
“Many are harmless. But some... are very stimulating.” Dreamily, Bernie placed his hands on his face, and a pang shot through Mammon’s chest.
What did these stories give Bernie that Mammon couldn’t? He didn’t like the whole matter, but he also saw how much Bernie loved these pulp novels. Which only meant one thing to Mammon. He had to get to the bottom of it and find out what was so appealing about them.
“I think it’s just smut,” he said finally, handing Bernie the book. “I felt exploited and abused! And that you read such things is beyond me! To read what fantasies others have about you is...!”
“Very enticing!” Bernie completed his sentence, a red flicker appearing in his eyes. Mammon left that uncommented.
“If you say so... I won’t forbid it. But I will have a serious talk with Larson!” And maybe commission a book from him myself. But Mammon kept that thought to himself for now. Maybe he would just cut off Larson’s head for this disgusting audacity! And he needed to do some research. In Hellnet... there had to be something about it... that Bernie enjoyed so much. Whatever was spreading in the Hellnet, he had to know about it!
Mammon took Bernie’s hand, kissed it, and squeezed it. Bernie smiled gratefully and hugged Mammon, which snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Thanks! That means a lot to me. M-Maybe we could even read a book together sometime...,” he casually suggested, tugging at Mammon’s shirt, but Mammon saw through the innocent facade of this suggestion and snorted.
“You just want to hear me read lewd, naughty things to you because you’re into my voice... admit it. It turns you on.”
The shimmer on Bernie’s cheeks turned deep red and he shook his head in disbelief.
“T-That... is not entirely true,” he mumbled, which made Mammon laugh. He returned the hug, even though he still felt uneasy inside. But for Bernie’s sake, he was willing to make this compromise. A part of him even started to warm to the idea that their love was not hidden but firmly planted in the minds of his fans. That they were officially seen as a couple. It meant fewer rivals for Mammon.
Fanfiction, then.
Perverse and utterly absurd fanfiction.
But so be it.
**
In the following days, Mammon summoned Larson, whom he first chewed out and cut his salary. Not only did he read this trash, probably even at work, but he also dragged Bernie into it! And even made a book out of it! ‘Bermon’. Pah! Mammon had indeed done some research, and what he found out was simply unbelievable!
There were countless stories about the seven Deadly Sins. About them, about their partners, in various versions - and they were all ridiculous trash. And people were getting endlessly into it. They worshipped these false versions of Mammon and his siblings and he didn’t like that they were all drooling over Bernie. Or pairing him with Fizz. Disgusting!!!
But Mammon also understood that this was an expression of adoration. That it fueled their popularity and ultimately brought him more money. So he would continue to allow these wild and ridiculous fantasies. Especially since Bernie, unfortunately, had a point. He had read some of the stories. Some were simply atrocious and far from reality. Others were... interesting.
And one name kept popping up, and soon Mammon realized who was behind it. That demon who sat right at the source.
Larson!
Fucking Unbelievable!
And just as it should be, the sycophant died a thousand deaths when Mammon confronted him. The miserable bastard took advantage of Mammon’s trust! On the other hand, he was otherwise reliable and treated Bernie well. So Mammon let him off with this offense under one condition and eventually, they agreed to start a unique literary project.
“Of course, sir,” Larson said respectfully and wrung his hands. “I’m sure I can write a story that meets both your and Master Bernard’s wishes.”
“I’m convinced of that. And I don’t want to see any disgusting perversions!”
At that, Larson opened his mouth, then closed it again and just nodded. But Mammon didn’t let it go at that and narrowed his eyes.
“Is there something you want to say?”
“With all due respect, Your Highness, and with the utmost respect, but if it’s meant to be a gift for Master Bernard, then... I have some advice.”
“What kind of advice?!”
“Well... regarding Master Bernard’s tastes.”
“I know his tastes better than a spy and voyeur.”
“I don’t doubt that, Your Grace! But... literary tastes can be quite different from... well.” He cleared his throat and wisely chose not to continue. However, he might have a point. What Mammon had read so far confronted him with depths he never would have attributed to Bernie. On the other hand, Bernie had never asked for anything like that. Not even through their Naughty Jar.
Suspiciously narrowing his eyes, he clasped his fingers together and rested his head on his hands.
“I’m all ears…”
**
Even though the whole affair was as embarrassing and disgusting as it could be, Mammon couldn’t help but be curious about what the story would look like in the end. Larson immediately got to work and soon the new manuscript was ready. When Mammon read the finished work, he couldn’t help but be impressed - and again consider beheading Larson. His assistant seemed more and more suspicious to him, and he was no longer sure how to judge him. Or his true motives behind working for Mammon and Bernie.
In any case, he had managed to portray their relationship in a way that was both respectful and deeply moving.
With... porn…
Unbelievable that Mammon had agreed to it, but he wanted to surprise Bernie. And yes, to get back at him a bit, because the book contained not only Bernie’s fantasies but also Mammon’s. As far as he was willing to let Larson in on them. When the story was finished, Mammon was satisfied and decided to surprise Bernie with it one evening.
While his gem sat on the couch in the living room, browsing through some of Mammon’s CDs, Mammon watched him and waited for the right moment. Which wasn’t so easy because watching Bernie was simply delightful. He was delighted with such simple things, almost pitifully so. At the same time, Mammon knew that a wrong word could make Bernie’s red barrel overflow. Something he could well do without right now.
Finally, he cleared his throat and stepped closer, whereupon Bernie looked up. His bell jingled as he looked at Mammon and beamed, holding out a CD to him.
“Say, do you have a second player for this? The old one in the music room doesn’t work anymore.”
“I think the batteries are dead,” Mammon muttered and sat down next to him. Bernie nodded at that.
“Yes, that makes sense. I will replace the batteries. A shame these old songs haven’t been digitized yet. Maybe I should do that? You could sell them as a reissue.”
The thought wasn’t bad at all and Mammon nodded appreciatively.
“Not a bad idea. But not now.” With that, he reached for the CD and set it aside. “I have something for you.”
“Another gift? You shouldn’t give me so many gifts...” Bernie sighed dejectedly, but Mammon was not deterred. He held up the wrapped book and grinned broadly, noticing how excited he was himself.
“You’ll like it,” he tempted, whereupon Bernie pouted and turned into a sulking balloon. Then he shook his head.
“But I don’t have anything for you.”
“That’s unnecessary. Here. I’m curious to hear what you think.” He handed the book to Bernie, who took it with sparkling eyes.
“Thank you,” he said shyly and then began to carefully tear off the paper. Very meticulously, so as not to waste anything, but the longer he had to wait, the more restless Mammon became. When finally the last scrap of paper was gone, Mammon bit his lips and looked at Bernie tensely. Waiting for a reaction.
Because in his hands, Bernie held another book by Larson, with the equally pathetic title: The Werewolf’s Groom. The cover showed a scantily clad young man who looked very much like Bernie and an even less clad man standing behind him, holding him in a tight embrace with his claws. Simply awful! And it looked like Bernie loved it.
He stared at the book in disbelief, let his fingers wander over the surface, and howled loudly inside.
“What... is this?”
“You said you liked those sleazy dime novels, so I talked to Larson and now you have something of high quality. For the lonely hours in my... absence.” Clearing his throat, he winked at Bernie, who shyly bit his lip and hugged the book close.
“Thank you! That means so much to me!”
Mammon smiled and pulled Bernie into his arms.
“Don’t thank me too soon. Thank me after you’ve read it.”
Bernie hesitated at that and raised an eyebrow.
“But your next business trip isn’t for a while. I don’t want to wait that long.”
“And what do you suggest?”
A mischievous grin spread across Bernie’s lips and he shrugged innocently.
“Mmm... I think I have an idea!”
Yes, Mammon had feared that and could already imagine exactly what it was…
*
In the following weeks, Mammon and Bernie found a new routine. Every evening they read a chapter of the book to each other and Mammon gained new respect for Larson. That he had managed to write such a long novel in such a short time, alongside his other duties, was a miracle. Because the book was long. Terribly long. And with every new chapter Mammon had to read aloud, he wanted to sink into the ground with shame.
However, he noticed that Bernie was completely absorbed in this task and really put his heart into it. Which spurred Mammon’s ambition. So he made an effort as well... and whenever an erotic scene came up, the fruits of his hard work showed, because as expected, the combination of erotic scenes and Mammon’s voice turned Bernie on extremely. Which usually ended with a hot night and a far too inspired Bernie.
And the renewed idea of turning Larson into a fucking toad!!
Nevertheless, the stories became a regular part of their lives. Bernie blossomed in it and looked forward to their joint reading sessions, while enthusiastically telling Mammon about other books and stories he had read. Much to Mammon’s chagrin.
But he listened attentively and endured Bernie’s tirades about individual passages, the way their characters were portrayed, and whether he found it realistic or stupid. But in the end, it didn’t matter what Bernie was talking about. Whenever his gem found something to get so carried away with, Mammon was happy. Watching him was wonderfully entertaining, and he didn’t want to take the fun out of it. Especially if it helped him better... cope with Mammon’s absence. In whatever way, because he had a strong suspicion that Bernie wasn’t just reading nicely and obediently... Especially regarding the slightly more spicey chapters.
On the other hand, Bernie wasn’t nice and obedient. He was a clever, cheeky rascal. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. But that’s why Mammon loved him all the more and didn’t want to miss a single day in hell without Bernie and his dazzling smile. No matter what absurdities still awaited them.